Tip for Tuesday – The miracle of life through inappropriate crafting.

Update: You can now purchase your own Beaver Baby!!!! click here

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Today I’m going to teach you how to make a reversible Felt Vagina. Why reversible you ask? Because this isn’t just a vagina, it’s an educational tool used to demonstrate “where babies come from”. Throw your kid one of these, watch them turn it inside out, and voila! -you can skip the whole uncomfortable conversation.

 

She’s ready to push! I see the head! Aww, it’s a boy!

Tutorial steps

 

Step 1:  Go to your local fabric store and purchase various colors of felt, thread, and some fuzzy “hair-like” material.  If you want to personalize your vagina/baby, make sure to select materials based on your skin tone, hair color, and pubes. Take all of your purchases to the cutting counter and click your heels three times while saying,  “please don’t ask me what I’m making, please don’t ask me what I’m making, please don’t ask me what I’m making”. It worked for me.

 

Step 2:  Next you’ll need to cut an oval out of a piece of cardboard to create a template. My oval was about 6×4 inches.

 

Step 3:  Ok, honestly, this is where my tutorial went to shit. I used the oval to cut stuff, I adjusted, I fudged things. In the end, I wasn’t happy with my vagina (yeah, I’ve said that before). The labia didn’t line up with the back of the baby and I forgot to add a clitoris. The clitoris, people!  How could I forget the damn clitoris??!?! Listen, I don’t want to give you crappy, half-assed directions so I need to work on this a bit more and come up with a pattern that you can download. In the meantime, I’ll explain the rest of the process…

 

Step 4: Let’s pretend that you have it all assembled and sewn together.  We’re now going to move on to the “pubic hair application” phase. I thought long and hard about the type of glue I should use to adhere the pubes to the felt. And even after all that thinking, I made a very unfortunate decision…
Today’s science lesson: When super glue is applied to materials made of cotton or wool, it results in a powerful, rapid exothermic reaction and the heat released may cause minor burns or ignite the material. SON OF A BITCH!
Tip: Make sure you cook dinner before doing this step. The “pubic hair” wouldn’t come off my fingers…but it found its way into the grilled cheese.

 

Step 5:  Fingers are burnt, labia is misaligned…this tutorial sucks. Let’s skip to the final product.

TADA!

 

These make great gifts for gender reveal parties, the lucky grandparents, your weird friend from college, or the new mom that has everything, including a sense of humor!

I think I might patent these but I need to come up with a fantastic name. Originally I thought “Vagina Babies” but I feel like it lacks a little something. Do you have any suggestions?

 

UPDATE: After a long and exhausting voting process, VaginaBabies will now be known as BeaverBabies: A vagucational tool (thanks in part to www.somethingclever2point0.com

 

Oh, and check out my next tutorial, C-Section Baby!

And guess what else?!?! Spunky is here!

 

The penis/sperm is the perfect companion to Beaver Babies!

 

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Comments

  1. Lisa says:

    You are crazier than I thought… But oh so entertaining!

  2. Kim says:

    Just hilarious!!! I think you might have hit a gold mine here.

    Names?? Coochie Critters? Pink Taco Tots? Beaver Babies?

  3. Lori V says:

    Wow – you ARE craftier than me! Never in a million years would I have thought of this little tutorial. Could you come up with something that teaches about vasectomy? Cause that would TOTALLY be a good tool for some of the hubbies out there.

    hahahahaa, “Beaver Babies” has my vote!

  4. Dani Ryan says:

    This is BRILLIANT!

    And I think “Beaver Babies” is a pretty awesome name.

    Now THIS is the type of stuff I like to see on Pinterest. :)

  5. omg I need one of these.

  6. Jessica says:

    I was going to suggest pussy people, but I like beaver babies!

  7. Charissa says:

    OMG! Can you please make me one for my upcoming baby shower??!! I LOVE it! And Beaver Babies is awesome! Although Taco tots has my vote also.. It was a hard choice. Everytime I read one of your blogs it just makes me realize just how related we really are!!

  8. LOVE this. Oh boy, if only I still taught school or had this when I used to volunteer on “crafts day” when my son was in elem. If only…it made my day! The miracle of childbirth…

  9. You killed me. Dead. Headline: Woman Dies Laughing.

  10. Sharramama says:

    That is fantastic, but you forgot the placenta pull toy handle!

  11. JLVerde says:

    Crotch Droppings?

    But for some reason the word “prolapse” keeps haunting me. This is so fabulously disturbing I WANT TO MAKE IT (and I already have “pubic hair” fabric in my stash, how convenient).

    What’s this about a giveaway? Will the Crotch Dropping become a Dumpster Baby?

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Do I even want to know why you have faux pubic hair (I’m assuming it’s faux)?

      I love crotch droppings! However, I already announced on twitter that they will now be known as BeaverBabies: A vagucational tool.

      I’m trying to find time to create a decent pattern. Plus I plan to make a few for a giveaway! Please let your friends and family know!

      Thanks for stopping by!

  12. Seriously the funniest thing I have read in, perhaps, forever. You never fail to amaze me with your hilariousness!

    And you will make a fortune with those things!!

  13. OMFG! I choked. This is the best thing I have read all week. ALL. WEEK. I can not express how funny this was.

  14. This is the best not-really-a-tutorial tutorial in the history of all the tutorials in time. I am absolutely dying laughing. And, I totally want in.

  15. Hollow tree ventures says:

    Oh lawdy, I needed that laugh like crazy. You’re some kind of genius. This is, hands down, the best plush vagina tutorial I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. P.S. If you need a good vagina seamstress, I can give you the number for my OBGYN. She did a fantastic job on me, as far as I can tell from up here.

  16. Shay Trashay says:

    BEAVER BABIES!!! Holy shit, this is the grossest thing I have ever seen–and I cannot stop laughing!!! You are a genius…although I might skip the post on the C-section baby dolls…

  17. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love you right now. Did we just become best friends OR WHAT?!

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Yes. Yes we did. And maybe, one day, our periods will sync up and we’ll know it was meant to be. Oh, how I hope!

  18. Lyn says:

    OMG – this is hilarious. Pinterest brought me to this website and I have bookmarked it. We are so much alike!! lol!

  19. Nicole Wright says:

    Haha! Love this; I’m pregnant and my 3 year old niece keeps asking where the baby will come out…this would do the explaining for me!

  20. running mama says:

    I thought I had entered, and then I saw I hadn’t please tell me it’s not to late!

  21. Carissa says:

    I want to make these for everyone I know for Christmas!!

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Great! I have you down for the giveaway contest and I’ll announce when I have the pattern available…still trying to make it understandable:(

  22. How did I miss this when it came out. OMFG. I love you.

  23. Amanda says:

    Beaver Babies is an amazing name. Not sure if I find them terrifying or wonderful, maybe both, lol.

  24. Lorelei says:

    I don’t want a real baby for 2013…I only want a beaver baby!

  25. I’m so making these for the next baby shower I go to.

    That picture of the fake pubic hair super glued to your fingers looked gaggingly like the real deal.

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Hahah! I’m making one for my cousin’s shower this month. Can’t wait to see how the family reacts. Hopefully I’ll have a pattern up soon. Stop back and check.

  26. I am probably going to have to re-read that…I could hardly see straight I was so hysterical after the opening image. I really did not fully absorb all the hilarity that followed. Sweet Jesus, I am so glad you linked this one up on the Blog Hop and brought this into my world.

  27. I just died…..did you make this up???? You are a genius!!!!! Hilarious…

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      I did! Thanks! My mama always said I was a creative thinker. Though I’m guessing she isn’t too proud about this.

  28. Erika says:

    I’d love to see the actually tutorial for this. I would love to make one myself

  29. Beth says:

    Freakin’ hilarious! Now excuse me, I have some stocking stuffers to make!

  30. Julie says:

    OMG! THIS IS HYSTERICAL!! I had no idea super glue would do that!! (Try a product called “Tear Mender”.) I think my children would be extremely disturbed if I presented them with this! EXTREMELY. Although they are in their 20′s now but still.

  31. Renee says:

    Ohmygod you are insane! I’m dying here. Thank you.

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