Tips for Tuesday- A “Never” list for you to print out.

Last night, I reflected on some of the “Never” things that I’ve learned in 2012.  I’ve decided to compile a list for you, a tip sheet if you will, that you can print out and stick in your wallet or put on your fridge. Now these tips aren’t bullshit tips like “never put a fork in the microwave”, you should really know that by now.  No, these are things that you probably had no clue about. I wish I had this list a year ago:(

I’ve already written about many of these, and I’ll link them to the corresponding posts so you can gain a little more insight if you’d like.  Others, I may or may not write about in the future, it depends upon how badly I want to forget they every happened.

So memorize this list and never screw up again!  Oh, and I’ve attached the Chicken Breast post at the end for you to read, because if I can prevent just one dinner tragedy from happening then I’ve done my job. Yeah, not really.

 

2012 Never List

Never apply crazy glue to cotton or wool (Boom! combustion)

Never shake a can of shellac (thanks Amy)

Never use a magic sponge eraser to wash your car, it removes your paint.

Never haphazardly apply Nair.

Never get a spray tan during a rainstorm, you will look like a tan zebra.

Never, if your foot is asleep, walk behind a handicap person who’s using crutches.   You’ll be limping and dragging your foot and it’ll be assumed that you are mocking them.

Never throw runny dog crap into a bush.  Some of the crap will slide off of the branches, causing the branches to snap back and fling the remaining poop back at you.

Never feed petting zoo animals directly from your mouth while at the State Fair because it’s against their rules.

Never bury a hermit crab unless you are absolutely sure it’s dead and not just molting.

Never buy chickens to raise in your spare bedroom for the purpose of egg production.  It doesn’t make economical sense.

Never cut a red wire. Just don’t.

Never forget your child in the gym daycare, write it on your hand!

Never use your car to flatten chicken breasts no matter how much quicker you think it’ll be. (see below)

_____________________

I was developing a Tip for Tuesday that didn’t go quite as planned. Wait- that was an understatement, it went horribly wrong. But because I believe one can learn from both success and failure equally, I will share my embarrassment with you.

Consider this a “Don’t try this” Tip for Tuesday.

I was making a delicious chicken dish that I have made several times before. The recipe requires me to pound my chicken breast to 1/8 of an inch thick. If you’ve done this before you know what a bitch this can be.  Ten minutes and one numb hand later,  I managed to get only 1 flattened. I still had 6 more to go. I thought surely there must be an easier way. And as a think-outside-the-box kinda girl, I thought I had the most brilliant idea ever! (spoiler alert- I was wrong)

Here are the steps I took:

1. Place chicken breasts between two large pieces of wax paper.

2. Carefully slide the breasts into a garbage bag, then double bag with another garbage bag.

“Why can’t you be like other mothers?”

3. Keeping the trash bag o’ chicken horizontal, slide it onto a cookie sheet and transport outside.

4. Place the garbage bag on the ground in front of your car wheel, removing the cookie sheet.

5. Gently roll over the bag with your car while asking your kids if you’re “on it yet’. forward, reverse, forward, reverse, etc.

6. Sadly hear the bag pop  and watch chicken breasts fly onto the driveway.

7. Place chicken breasts in the trash with the dog’s poop bag (because he crapped when he heard the pop).

8. Order pizza

I would have never mentioned this to Brian but I accidentally left the cookie sheet in the driveway and he demanded an explanation. Plus, Collin taped the whole thing on his iTouch to show his friends. He called it a “FAIL”.

I hope my experience prevents you from making the same mistake (because you know you would have tried it eventually).

 

 

Comments

  1. I love you so, SO much….

  2. OMG!!! That’s HYSTERICAL!!! lmao If I was still a carnivore, I would have gone out and tried this even though it turned out badly! Just to scare the dog!!!

  3. Shay Trashay says:

    Once again, I must ask: What the HELL is wronng with you??!! Hahahaha, I love it. You’re right; I might have tried it myself one day.

  4. This has YEARS worth of good tips. Maybe you could try closing a car door on one chicken breast at a time? Obviously I’ve learned a lot.

  5. I’m fucking crying over here. Tears streaming down my face, and I think I might have dislocated a rib. Or possibly a kidney…

  6. Dani Ryan says:

    I. Love. You.

    (But not in a kinky way, so it’s okay)

  7. Your husband says:

    What’s going on…. A lot of your readers are saying they love you. Should I be jealous or excited? I see the foot asleep one is directed at me? It really was asleep

  8. Stacey says:

    I’m totally annoyed on your behalf that the chicken thing didn’t work…IT SHOULD HAVE WORKED, DAMMIT!!!!

    Seriously, that sound like the type of thing I would do, except I would have rinsed the chicken off and never told my son he ate driveway chicken until after dinner was over. Not that the threat of driveway cooties would stop him for eating anything.

    Excellent list! If they had taught us all that shit in high school, maybe adulthood would have not required so much liquor

  9. Pizza should really ALWAYS be the answer…to everything :)

  10. Teri says:

    I’ll file that under ‘It sounded like a great idea at the time’. And this one cracked me up

    ‘Never bury a hermit crab unless you are absolutely sure it’s dead and not just molting.’

  11. Oh Dear God in Heaven. You are freakin damn funny. “Am I on it yet?” I can just picture this hilarity in my mind. And thank you for this very informative public service announcement. ‘

  12. shortmama04 says:

    Hmmmmmm – if the car was too big, how about the riding mower?

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