Free Advice Friday – The perfect pet does exist.

Dear Kim,

My kids have been asking for a pet for the last 2 years. I think they’re ready for the responsibility. What kind of animal do you think would make the best “first pet”?

Laurie in Pettingham, AL

 

Dear Laurie,

I understand your desire to have your children learn about the responsibility and sense of companionship that comes with pet ownership. Studies show that when a child cares for an animal it can help them to become a more empathetic and nurturing person in an otherwise cruel world. Just don’t get a bird. My bird Petey was a total dick.

Laurie, I’ve had newts, fish, crabs (fresh water, not pubic), iguanas…basically all sorts of aquarium pets and they’ve all had the same thing in common, they smell like ass. And not normal ass, the kind of ass that takes three bowls of all beef chili. Don’t do it.

And don’t be fooled by cute bunnies or rodents, they just leave little turds around the house which you’ll always think are spilled chocolate chips until you’ve tasted them.

We currently have two dogs and a cat. What a mess. Mr. Bojangles has continual diarrhea flare ups which I believe is linked to him using the cat’s litter box like some kind of walk up sushi bar. And our three legged dog, Buddy, has me sewing felt vaginas to pay for his anal gland surgery. (click here to buy a Beaver Baby)

I swore I would never get another animal again. Then a couple months ago Ana was crying about wanting another pet. I kinda figured this was coming because she kept killing the ants I gave her. In her defense, she was only trying to pet them.

The first and last time she would pet Timmy.

I got to thinking about what kind of pet would be best for our family and I that’s when I brought home Rickalick, our invisible dog. The kids didn’t buy it at first but then I explained to them “just because you don’t see the invisible fence doesn’t mean it’s not there”. Then I let them hold the dog collar and walk through it. They couldn’t argue with my logic.

Rickalick is great. He never barks. The kids can take him for walks off leash because he never leaves their side. They spend hours in the backyard throwing balls for him to chase (he doesn’t like to fetch). And late at night, he and I curl up with a glass of Cabernet and some cheese…and he doesn’t steal my damn food when I get up to pee (Mr. Bojangles, you suck).

Of course, continuously convincing the kids they have an invisible dog is not without some effort. At least once a week I have to bring dog poop into the house and put it on the carpet. “Bad Rickalick, bad dog”. Then I make one of the kids clean it up since it’s their pet. And once a year we take him to our vet who gives our invisible dog a very visible bill for wasting his time.

Having Rickalick is really starting to pay off. Kids in the neighborhood are asking for their own invisible dog, so we’ve adopted some more dogs and have started a breeding center in our downstairs powder room, called I.D.I.O.T.S. (Invisible Dog Institute Of Total Suckers). We’re hoping to have them weaned and potty trained by spring.

Rickalick with the neighborhood kids. We couldn’t get him to smile.

Laurie, I’ve enclosed an adoption form along with an outline of our fees. If you’re interested in an invisible dog for your family just mail it back in with a deposit, preferably a cashier’s check.

Good Luck,

Kim

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Comments

  1. I think we’ve had just about every pet under the sun. Including the two “don’t worry mom, they’re both girls” gerbils that became 22 in a very short time.

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      We had two mice like that when I was younger. I took the knocked up one back to the pet store. I still feel bad about that to this day.

  2. Stacey says:

    The invisible dog is genius!! And I kind of want one now

  3. Robin says:

    I’d go with an invisible cat. They’re much less work. Although you still have to deal with cat allergies. My husband is allergic to all kinds of cats, visible and invisible.

    On second thought, we’ll just go with pet rocks.

  4. Dani Ryan says:

    When my sister and I were kids, my parents bought us each a rabbit. A couple of days in, my Dad started separating them repeatedly because he used to catch them fighting. It wasn’t until university that I realized what was really going on and, in a drunken stupor, I called my Dad to ask the truth. Yup, they really are horny little animals, and as they were both male, my Dad felt we were too young for the explanation. ;)

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