I think I just flew over the Cuckoo’s nest.

I know today is Free Advice Friday but something very disturbing and equally embarrassing happened to me on Wednesday. So naturally, I wanted to share it with you.

*side note: I’m tired and sick with Bronchitis so this story might come across as a bit rambly and full of grammatical errors.

**Auto-correct says “rambly” isn’t a word. I’m not in the mood, auto-correct. NOT. IN. THE. MOOD.

 

When picking Ana up from preschool on Wednesday (which is at our gym), I parked in the temporary lot, locked my car, and ran in to get her. But surprise, surprise, she didn’t want to leave. Oh nooo, she begged and begged to stay and play with her friends. I felt like shit but decided to let her run around for a few minutes in the play area while I sat on a bench, zombiefied. After 20 minutes and a lot of threatening, she finally emerged from one of those damn hamster tunnels ready to leave. But when I reached for my car keys…they weren’t there. Oh, shit. I emptied all my pockets, checked Ana’s backpack, lunch box (you never know), her classroom, the front desk. Nothing. I must have locked them in the car. Son of a bitch!

My friend Amanda– “Do you have a spare key?”

Me– “I do!” Said with enthusiasm.

Amanda– “Where is it?”

Me– “Umm…in my locked car.” Said with the opposite of enthusiasm.

Amanda– “Do you think you have another key at home? I can drive you there.”

 

When we arrived at my house I looked in vain for an extra key, hoping and praying. But nope, no key. So we drove back to the gym in silence, both of us wondering what kind of asshole leaves their spare car key IN the car. I’m pretty sure it takes a special kind of asshole.

Remembering I had Road Side Assistance through my cellular phone provider, I called customer service and they transferred me to a lady who couldn’t understand a word I said because we had a bad cellular connection. Is “irony” the right word, here?

After a painful 10 minute conversation in which I had to spell everything, “That’s A as in apple, K as in kill me now…'”, she assured me that Pop-A-Lock would be there shortly. So we headed to the cafe and ordered a smoothie while waiting for the Pop-A-Lock guy to call. And that’s when I noticed a funny look on Ana’s face.

Me– “Ana? What’s going on?”

Ana– *funny look/turning red/eyes bulging*

Me– “Ana? Do you need to poop?”

Ana– whispering like that kid in The Sixth Sense “I can’t move or it’s going to come out.”

Faster than you can say “bowel movement”, I picked her up (somehow she remained in a frozen squat position), rushed her to the bathroom and plopped her ass on the toilet.

Ana – “I can’t go.”

WTF?

Ana– “It’s going to hurt.”

And in the middle of my threats, brides, begging, words of encouragement, etc., the phone rings. It’s the Pop-A-Lock guy and he’s waiting next to my car. Of course he is.

Me to Ana– “The man’s at my car so suck it back up, we gotta go! C’mon!”

I got her off the toilet, put her coat on, and walked her back to my girlfriend who was sitting in the cafe.

Me– “The guy’s out there. Can you watch her?”

Amanda– “Sure.”

I wanted to add “…and she might shit her pants.” but a statement like that usually requires some elaboration and I was kinda in a hurry.

I was rushing through the gym lobby, heading out the doors, when something told me to look down at my right hand. And I saw this…
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My car keys were in my hand.

In. My. Hand.

INMYHAND!

How the hel…????? What the fuc…????????

At that moment, every fiber of my being wanted to believe in unicorns, fairies, witches, Santa, basically anything magical- because if magic doesn’t exist then I was going bat shit crazy.

You don’t understand. Those keys were not in my possession earlier. I had emptied all my coat pockets, I had no purse, I was wearing yoga pants with zero pockets, I even left Ana’s backpack and lunch box at the house when I went back looking for another key. I had nothing but a jacket and a cell phone! So where did the keys come from? And how did they get in my hand?

I’m pretty sure I had a glimpse of Dementia that day, and Dementia is ugly, my friends.

I told Amanda that I found them in Ana’s coat pocket, which I’m not even sure is true, but it’s the only thing I could think of. After all, I was holding her jacket against me while she played and I was holding it again in the bathroom minutes before finding them IN MY HAND…so I probably slipped them in there? Right?

But here’s the part that freaks me out the most: At some point between the bathroom and the cafe, I purposefully reached for those keys. Meaning, that deep down I knew where they were. Was I really so mentally distracted that the part of me responsible for unconscious bodily functions like breathing & blinking, stepped in and said “Jesus, do I need to do everything around here? Hang on, Lungs, I need to find this bitch’s keys.”

So what did I do about the Pop-A-Lock guy?

I ran outside, saw him about to shove a long metal rod down my car window, and yelled “STOP!” all dramatic like. Then walked over with a cool “Here, let me get that for you.”, opened the car door, grabbed my wallet, and paid him.

 

Please, someone, tell me something like this happened to you so I know I’m not going crazy. Unless something like this happened to you and you did go crazy- keep that shit to yourself.

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Comments

  1. Kim Edborg says:

    This is my favorite story by far….LMAO!!!

  2. Wow – that is quite a memory lapse. I have had moments, but normally they involve are large amount of beer. I would change this story up to you were on some serious pain meds or something…
    The Shitastrophy recently posted…When Adult Birthday Parties Go WrongMy Profile

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Um…this did NOT make me feel better!!! How about you switch up your response to some made-up story about driving off with a stranger’s car or something?

  3. I once spent almost the whole time I was on the phone with my friend’s mom, looking for my phone. But at least that has an explanation. Your instance, on the other hand, makes no sense. Put that one in the x- files!
    Erin recently posted…Is He Crawling Yet? Is He CRAWLING Yet? Is He Crawling YET? IS HE CRAWLING YET?!?My Profile

  4. We often lose something for days, weeks, months, only to find it exactly where it was supposed to be. It wasn’t there before. But it’s there now. I have no explanation for it, so it must be magic.

  5. I did a spit take to “hang on, Lungs, I need to find this bitch’s keys.” Loved this. haha. I’ve done this way too often. Mostly with my glasses. Can’t find them. They’re on my head. Can’t find them. They’re on my face. Just last night I tore the apartment apart looking for a book that I’d LIFTED UP to see if IT was under it. Aargh. Maybe someday I’ll stumble across my mind. Now let me go pour orange juice in my cereal.
    Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. Potty Training, Part the SecondMy Profile

  6. This. Was hilarious! And totally something I would do. Hmmmm… let’s see, a little different but there was the time I flooded the bathroom washing something by hand and walking out of the room without turning off the sink, hit a pipe next to our driveway and caused a front-lawn geiser, dropped my engagement ring down the bathroom sink (got it back, thank god for that “U” pipe at the bottom, flushed my car keys down the toilet at the nail salon (did not get those back and had to send the plummer to my house to get my extra set of keys because my husband was home with our infant daughter and I had the car with the car seat).

    Sigh… I think we could be pretty good friends!
    Charlene Ross recently posted…Proud Mamas and Amazing KidsMy Profile

  7. So funny!!! I can totally see that happening! It really makes you think what is going on in your head! Thanks for the laugh and I am glad you found your keys!

  8. What the??? How the hell??? Dementia is ugly. You got it. It’s also hilarious…when it’s not happening to you!! This is truly one of the best “mommy is insane” stories ever.
    Just so you know you’re not alone in coo-coo town: I once left the keys in my car, with the car RUNNING, in a parking garage while at work one day. All day. Somehow no one stole it and I didn’t even have kids then so I have zero excuse for what happened. Maybe I am just BSC!? Nah.
    Allie Burdick recently posted…It Takes A Village To Get Your Tonsils OutMy Profile

  9. So. I have been reading your blog forever, but have never commented because I am a lazy ass stalker. Anywho- Last month I drove my daughter to school like any normal day. When I got home (at 8:30 am) I wrestled my lunatic three year old into the house and holed up for the rest of the day to scrub my bathrooms and make a nutritious dinner. Well, damn. I just spilled a little wine while typing that. Turns out the universe doesn’t want me lying to total strangers. After a day filled with Jake and the Effing Neverland Pirates, US Weekly, and yoga pants, I grabbed the lunatic and headed back to the car to pick up the 5 year old from school. At 2:00 pm I walked out of my house to discover that I has pulled into the driveway, unloaded all of the shit that you need to transport two first world children over five miles, and never bothered to turn off my car. It had been running for over six hours. I did everything but shit my yoga pants the whole three miles to the gas station. I swear I would have hiked for a little unleaded regular rather than call my never did anything stupid in his life husband. I still haven’t told him that. Keep it to yourself, okay? For the record, at least you were sick. I was right as rain- just stupid and apparently really in a rush to see what that Kardashians had been up to.

    • One Classy Motha! says:

      Oh Meagan, thanks so much for sharing that! I need to hear more of those stories!

      And did you read the other comments? Allie did the same thing as you!!!

  10. “Was I really so mentally distracted that the part of me responsible for unconscious bodily functions like breathing & blinking, stepped in?” Um, yes. This type of shit happens to me aaaall the time. Maybe not as bad b/c I haven’t had to call the Pop-A-lock guy, but I have developed a kind of low-grade dementia since giving birth to my first. There’s just too much going on all the time that we can’t keep in in our heads anymore. Yesterday, as I’m waiting for the doctor to call b/c the night b/4 I had such severe back pain that I had to drop to my knees & my husband wanted to take me to the hospital, but I wanted to wait & call the dr. the next day, the dentist called about my appointment that was at that very minute. Shit. I explained I got distracted b/c of my back pain so I had to reschedule the already rescheduled appointment, and the day she wanted reschedule it to I couldn’t do b/c the appointment was for the same time my son had an appointment w/ another doctor, which had already been rescheduled so I couldn’t reschedule that again. It’s just crazy out there. PLUS, you were really sick. If we can’r cope w/ all the demands on a good day, how can we be expected to on a bad one? Don’t fault yourself.
    One Funny Motha recently posted…Another Tuesday Another TweetMy Profile

  11. That’s hilarious! I have never done that with keys, but I once frantically searched high and low for my cell phone while I was talking on it. Freaked me right out!!!

  12. Hilarious! I once looked for my keys to go to work for about 45 minutes. I gave up and had to get a ride to work. When my husband came home for his lunch break, he called me at work and wanted to know why my keys were in the refrigerator.

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