پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

The Worst Way To Meet Your Neighbors

The Worst Way To Meet Your Neighbors

 

 

I kept meaning to meet our new neighbors, like REALLY meet them. You know, have a conversation, maybe invite them over for wine, show them around the area, etc. Something other than the casual wave in passing.  Unfortunately, months went by and the opportunity never presented itself-  meaning either my house was a mess or I wasn’t wearing a bra (both of these things have admittedly held me back from a deep and rich social life).  However, Ana has struck up an almost obsessive friendship with their 8 year old daughter, Emily.  They flutter back and forth between our homes, going from one make-believe game to the next. I can only hope little Emily lacks the critical eye of a child accustomed to fine housekeeping.

Well guess what?  I finally met them last Sunday. Let me set the stage for this beauty of a meeting.

 

 

FRIDAY

A few neighborhood parents & their teens were hosting a weekend fundraising sleepover camp at our clubhouse, sleepover optional. Ana was super excited, so she and I stayed home while Brian and Collin went to the beach. Truth be told, I was the most excited. Ana in camp all weekend, husband and child#1 at the beach. In the days leading up, visions of me slowly walking the aisles of Marshalls while sipping a Starbucks Mocha Latte became all I could think about.

5PM, we arrived at camp. I was almost giddy.

 

Ana: I’m not staying here. Let’s go home.

 

I’m not gonna lie, at that moment everything in my world went black.

Reaching out into the darkness, patting the head of the little girl who had just crushed my solace seeking soul, “There there, let’s not be rash.  You LOVE everyone here. There’s your babysitter, there’s your friend, everyone’s doing crafts, and they’ll probably order pizza later. And if they don’t I’ll buy out the Dominos down the street and have one delivered to you every hour. How’s that sound?”

Ana: I’m scared. I don’t want to stay here, I want to go home.

Me: You need to be brave and give it a chance. Trust me, you’ll have so much fun! It would be a shame to miss it. What if we leave tonight but try again in the morning?

Ana: I’m not coming back.

Concerned parents were now gathered around. I smiled and said, “Excuse me while I give her some loving words of encouragement.”

Kneeling down, I pulled her pissed off face close to mine and whispered sweetly:
“I swear on Bunny (holding her lovie tightly by the neck) you WILL go to camp or YOU WILL spend the entire weekend in your room. So it’s THIS or staring at your bedroom walls for the next 48 hours.”

Standing up and smiling. “So what do ya think? Feel ready to give it a try?”

She gave it a try, and I went home and listened to the silence until 9PM when it was time to pick her up.

 

 

SATURDAY

Saturday morning was a thing of beauty! She was thrilled to go to camp, and even said she might stay overnight. I wasn’t holding my breath, but the thought was intoxicating.

After dropping her off, I did my first workout in months, PLYO FIT EXTREME, then I kept the momentum going by cleaning out the foyer closet.  It took 4 hours to clean that damn closet. 4 hours, people. foooouuuurrrr hours! It’s not even a big closet (4×4) but it does have some serious height of which I have taken full advantage.  Trust me, shit was all stacked up Jenga style. Looking through coat pockets for receipts, I was able to date the bottom layer of crap back to 2005. I even came across a baby tooth…or cat tooth…or broken Tic Tac, I can’t be sure. I just threw it in a memory box and kept moving.

After gathering a very large donation pile, I put everything in the car and headed to my first stop, Marshalls!

As I stepped out of the car, and my legs collapsed like snapped rubber bands, I thought of an important tip:

If you haven’t exercised  in months, a workout with the word EXTREME in it might not be the DVD for you. Especially if it’s in all caps.

Holy Crap! It’s like my muscles needed those last 4 hours to really digest what I had done to them, and then they were all like “OH HELL NO! WE’RE SHUTTING THIS SHIT DOWN.” And I was all “No, no, please. We’re done exercising! I just need you to get me to the clearance shoe section and back!”

Bless them, they did. Barely.

I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the couch watching my legs lock up.

Around 6 PM I received a text from our sitter:

Ana says she wants to stay overnight at camp with me.

 

I couldn’t believe it, I had the whole evening to myself!

Most of it was spent trying to get up the stairs.

Once I was upstairs, it seemed kinda quiet, like really quiet. Then I realized what it was, Ana’s little crackhead hamsters weren’t on their squeaky wheel. So I checked on them.

D.E.A.D.

Both of them! How the hell…why…both?  I sat there examining the scene like a forensic detective. One was inside their little house, while the other laid in the doorway. A domestic dispute? Did Sparkles say he was running out for a pack of cigarettes, but Pinky knew he had no intentions of coming back?

I was beyond upset. Not because they were dead, everyone knew I despised them, but because they died mysteriously while home alone with me.

Know any good lawyers?

I put them in a Ziplock bag with a tiny murder/suicide note and stuck them in the garage. Then I stayed up all night rehearsing the ‘circle of life’ speech I’d have to give Ana in the morning.

 

 

SUNDAY

I cried as I came down the stairs that morning. No, not because of the hamsters, but because every muscle from my neck down was screaming. Five hundred dollars and 12 years later, my Lamaze breathing techniques finally came in handy.

After picking Ana up from camp, I army crawled into the kitchen and delivered the terrible news. I expected sobs and screams asking the universe to grant her “just one more day with them”. Instead, her reaction was what I’d call underwhelming. Some brief ‘sad eyes’ and then “Can I go play with Emily?”

“Sure. I guess we can bury them later?” And off she went.

Around noon Ana walked in from the garage.

 

Me: Where’s your friend?

Ana: Oh, she’ll be right back. She just went to show her dad my hamsters.

Me: YOUR DEAD HAMSTERS!?!? NOOOOOO!

 

I shuffled as fast as I could into the foyer. Through the windows on either side of our door, I saw Emily skipping across our lawn, smile on her face, Ziploc bag full of dead hamsters in her hand, murder/suicide note visible.

“EMILY! COME BACK, COME BAAAAACK!” I screamed through double-pane glass.

She couldn’t hear me and my knees wouldn’t bend beyond a 30 degree angle. So I did the only thing I could do, I put on my bra and waited.

Not surprisingly, it only took 10 minutes before I was meeting our new neighbors.

The dad appeared in my garage and started casually sweeping his eyes around the room, no doubt looking for more dead animals in baggies. The mom stayed a little farther back.

 

Me: Hi! I’m soooo sorry Ana sent your daughter home with dead hamsters.

Him: Oh, um, don’t…um…don’t worry about it.

Me: It’s just that we haven’t had a chance to bury them yet and she thought they were interesting. She thought maybe you’d find them interesting. I explained to her that we don’t send our friends home with dead animals. I think she gets it now.

Him: Well, they…um… looked peaceful?

Me: Ha. Yeah. Oh, and that murder/suicide note? Just a joke.

Him: Ha…so how did they both die at the same time?

Me: Heyyy, could I offer you both some wine? Or maybe show you around the area?

 

And now my goal is to convince these people that we’re actually a very normal suburban family. And I think I can do it too….until the day they Google “felt pajamas” and it auto corrects it to “felt vaginas” which will then lead them to this blog.

 

 

__________________________________________

You guys HAVE to check out my newest sponsor, Hey Duckee!  They have the MOST ADORABLE things at the MOST AFFORDABLE prices!!!

Whether you are searching for the latest fashions and trends in clothing and accessories, cool gadgets, fun décor or helpful learning tools for your ducklings, Hey Duckee has it all! Your little hatchlings will be the envy of all the other ducks in the nest!

HeyDuckee_200x200_3

Weekend in Crappy Pics (Disney World – Part 4)

The Weekend in Crappy Pics - Disney 2014, family vacation is not always a fairy tale.

Ok, so I HAVE to do this Disney vacation wrap-up. No, really, because this blog is the only record my family will ever have of this trip…or of anything we ever do. How screwed up is that?

In 20 years:

Collin’s kids: Dad, where are all the pictures from when you were little?

Collin: Well, let me just pull up your grandmother’s blog…

Maybe I should create scrapbooks, you know, like a normal mother? Or maybe stop sewing felt vaginas?

But I digress…

Day 5 – Epcot

All you need to know about Epcot is that their World Showcase is not real. I mean, I know it’s not real real, but as it turns out, the products they sell ARE NOT EVEN FROM THE COUNTRY YOU’RE IN!

For example, the kids loved playing with the instruments displayed in Africa, so I thought to myself, “Candy Ass, you should buy the darlings a tambourine so you’ll have something valuable to take away when they start acting up.” (TIP: Always be prepared to deprive them, otherwise, they hold the upper hand.) 

epcot2

So I picked up the African tambourine and…

photo 3 (14)

HECHO EN MEXICO?

HECHO EN MEXICO?  

So let me get this straight, we visit Africa, in America, to buy a tambourine made in Mexico? UGGGHH. I wanted nothing more than to push that Mexican musical cart right through boring Norway and into the base of the Mayan temple!  …and then buy another margarita, seeing as I was back in Mexico. But I didn’t, so it was on to Japan…

epcot1

 Yup- Japan gifts, made in China.

Oh well, at least I knew the shit in China would be real. And it’s not like you can find “Made in China” products just anywhere, so there’s that.

 

Day 6 – Disney Quest

Ah, Disney “The 5 story video game place that we get into for free with our park tickets and our kids would have been happier just to stay here all 6 days” Quest.

Because our family is extremely competitive and hates to lose, we spent most of our time playing in KidQuest, the gaming zone designed for children ages 2-7.

Here’s Brian kicking a tiny game’s ass as a group of preschoolers form around him, some in awe, others crying, one offers to buy the next round of juice boxes:

photo 4 (8)

Sure, setting the high score in the kiddie area might be a boost to our self esteem, but it’s entering the winning initials “A.S.S.” that we truly live for.

 

After Leaving Disney Quest, we walked over to the Lego store…

disneyquest1

where Ana played until the kid in the black jacket sneezed into the Lego bowl then fished around for his cough drop.

 

After generously coating everyone with hand sanitizer, we headed to a nearby Irish restaurant for dinner.

Much to our delight, they had dance performers throughout the meal and, at one point, they invited children to come up.

Here’s Ana performing:

Disney Quest2

I had two chocolate martinis made with Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Martini #1 – “Look at her, she’s a natural!”

Martini #2 – “You know, I’m signing her up for Irish dance lessons the moment we get home because she really seems to enjoy it, you know? I bet she could get a scholarship, you know?”

Day 7 – Heading Home

During our trip, the stroller we’ve had since Collin was a baby, broke. I wanted to cry.

I know it sounds stupid, but I felt horrible knowing I’d have to leave it behind. This wonderful apparatus, this, this, godsend, this beautiful stroller, it restrained my children for many years, allowing me to do some really special things, things like peeing in public stalls, trying on clothes in handicap dressing rooms, and walking through various mall parking lots wondering where the hell my car was.

So it was with tremendous grief that I carried the stroller into the rental unit’s garage and, amid the screams of “MOM WHERE ARE YOUUUU?”, said my final goodbyes.

photo 2 (15)

 

And then I put it down.

photo 3 (11)

If I’m honest with myself, Stroller had been struggling for years. It really was the most humane thing to do.

Farewell, good friend, farewell.

 

The Airport

Apparently, airport security does this new thing where they ask your kid who you are to them, and you have to stand there with your mouth shut hoping they’ll say “My mom” and not “She must be my kidnapper because my real mother would have bought me that Mickey Mouse pin from the gift shop”.

But either way, this security measure is truly unfortunate for us, as Ana tends to clam up when put on the spot.

After she met his third request of “Who is this lady?” with yet another shrug and blank stare, I began to panic. My mouth smiled at her like ‘aren’t you being super silly’ but my eyes, my eyes screamed, ‘SAY MOTHER! SAAAY MOOOTHERRR! SAY IT!’ In that moment, I realized that there’s a fine line between trying to get your kid to claim you and looking like a child trafficker coercing your abductee to lie, and I was walking it.

Finally, “She’s my mom?”

A question? She phrases it in the form of a question?!?! Oh, Jesus, I’m going to the big house.

I guess sick of us wasting his time, the security officer decided that was good enough and let us go. No cavity search required.

And as we were about to board the plane, the last thing I heard on our vacation was this announcement,  “Attention  passengers, we are paging Joe Momma…paging Joe Momma. Would Joe Momma please come to the courtesy desk?”  HAHAHAHA, that’s a classic!

 

 

 

.

If you’re bored, go back and read Disney, Part 1 here

Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (pt.3)

weekendincrappypics

 

In case you missed the last couple posts, Disney (Part 1) and Disney (Part 2), I’m continuing our Disney trip with some more crappy pics.

 

Day 3 – Hollywood Studios

As you know, Frozen is all the rage right now, and nowhere in Disney is that more apparent than Hollywood Studios.

First we had to see the Frozen sing-a-long musical…which was AWESOME!

[embedit snippet=”frozen-sing-a-long”]

 

Then we moved like cattle to a building that contained EVERYTHING and ANYTHING Frozen. Though I couldn’t find the feminine product line-  a bloated Elsa on the box, with sled shaped pads and tampons dangling from her castle like icicles.

 

Ana swore she had to have this t-shirt-

photo 1 (20)

 I swore I would NOT pay this price-

photo 2 (21)

so we distracted her with something shiny and free. Snow.

Welcome to Wandering Oaken’s Frozen Snowground, where it’s always 40 degrees, and you delightfully slip and slide on recycled slush while wearing shorts.

photo 3 (15)

 

 

Brian screaming over “Do You Want to Build a Snowman”: Oh my god, how long do we have to stay here?

Collin: Can we go?

me: It’s timed, so I think 5 minutes maybe?

Collin: Can we go?

me to cast member: How long do they play in that cold stuff?

Collin: Can we go?

cast member: 15 minutes.

me: oh..no..no..no..no…. (my visible breath swirling into the shape of a dagger before plunging into my heart)

Collin: MOM! That little girl just hit me in the face with an iceball!

 

Who knew Hell would be so cold?

 

 Day 4 – Blizzard Beach

photo 1 (17)

Sadly, this was the only photo I was able to take all day because I had to leave my phone in the locker. But if I did have my camera, this is what I would have captured…

1. Brian losing our locker key in the Lazy River. He spent a half hour with security, breaking into our locker and relocating our belongings.

2. Brian then losing our Disney Gift Card (which we had just loaded with money) on Runoff Rapids. They had to close the ride and call a diver in to retrieve it. Thankfully, the ride was configured in such a way that those waiting in line at the top were unable to see why it was stopped. “I wouldn’t volunteer you’re the reason.” was the advice given to us by the attendant.

3. Me and my mother-in-law ordering a drink from the bar at 2 pm because it had already been a long day.

 

Trick or Treating in Celebration, FL

 

Ah, Celebration, Fl, the idyllic little town that Disney built.

Judging by the small number of homes with lights on, it seems that most of these residences are used as vacation homes. But the ones that did give out candy went fantastically overboard!

Our little Elsa, even found an Anna and Kristoff!

anahalloween

 

But here’s the weird thing…see that gate on their front porch? Almost all of the homes had them, like they were keeping us “out-of-towners” at a safe distance, off their porches and away from their breakables.

For a moment, I considered I might be paranoid, but then we came upon “jail house” where they pointed rifles and threw candy at us over a barbed wire fence.

photo 2 (16)

Something tells me this was a multifaceted design choice.

 

NEXT UP: Epcot and Disney Quest, then home…click here

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (part 2)

weekendincrappypics

If you read my last post, then you know we just returned from Disney and that I have a bunch of crappy pics to share with you. But rather than bore you with perfectly staged pictures of my children (I actually don’t have any) in front of charming characters, I’m sharing a few of our crappier highlights…or low-lights, if you will.

Day 1 – The Magic Kingdom

disney24

“Kids, move a little to your right. I’m having trouble getting both the manhole and the trashcan in the picture.” is what I must have said.

Heading over to the Speedway ride:

photo 1 (19)

Collin begged me to let him drive…with me as his passenger. Tired of arguing with children, I agreed. After all, it’s on a track, how bad could he be?

Answer: VERY BAD

We were all over the road! Back and forth, forth and back, necks snapping, brains scrambling. I’m surprised the camera didn’t vibrate out of my hand.

How can he be this awful? I asked myself.

Then I turned to my right…

photo 2 (14)

 “What? I’m driving with my knees. Isn’t that how dad does it?”

Day 2 – Animal Kingdom

Ahh, the majestic elephants of the safari tour…

photo 4 (10)

 who Ana completely ignored after circling the Elephant in her animal identification book.

photo 3 (16)

Turns out Ana’s not so much a “live in the moment” person as she is a “where’s the next freakin’ animal, so I can cross it off my list, receive my completion badge, and shove my superiority in my brother’s face” personality.

Me: Look, Ana! It’s a meerkat doing back flips off a dancing giraffe!

Her: If it’s the reticulated giraffe of Somalia, I already circled it. NEXT.

I wanted to pitch that damn book down a watering hole but, sensing my annoyance, she held it tightly.

After the safari, Collin convinced me to go on the rapids ride with him. You know, the one where you’re forced down and buckled into a warm, wet seat before it even begins? Well, just as we were about to head down the river, a giant bamboo branch cracked and fell from the trees behind us, smacking our 12 person raft as we passed. So they stopped the ride. For a long time. A very long time.

photo 5 (1)

While the Disney “cast members” ran in circles and took turns beating the cracked branch with a pool skimmer, my observation skills were kicking into high gear on our vessel.  For example, I learned that Gloria and Dwayne were in couples therapy, which was obvious, given the amount of air-quote “I feel” statements they were throwing around while arguing over Dwayne’s choice of not wearing a rain poncho. Gloria “felt” he was acting like a macho asshole. She also “felt” that his “stupid wet ass” would regret it when everyone saw through his white shorts, and why did he “feel” the need to wear white shorts anyway? Dwayne “felt” like she was being a “huge bitch” about the whole thing. And I “felt” like their therapist failed to fully explain the purpose of the “I Feel” exercise.

When Animal Kingdom closed at 5 pm, we drove to the nearby idyllic town of Celebration, a white picket fence community originally created by Disney.

One of the town’s churches was having a pumpkin patch fundraiser, meaning all the pumpkin sales and any donations would go to a local women’s shelter. I suggested we make a donation since there was no way we were lugging a pumpkin through the airport. But noooo, Ana begged for a pumpkin, a huge ass pumpkin, and Brian gave in seeing as how we’d be in Disney on Oct. 31 and “she won’t have a real Halloween this year”    Won’t have a real Halloween this year?   Seriously? Who is she, Tiny Tim?

photo 1 (18)

I should mention that moments before this picture was taken (and almost every moment leading up to it), Brian was bathing our kids in hand sanitizer and anti-virus prayers. The result…

Me, taking the picture: Ready? 1…2…3…

Brian: Cheese!

Collin: Cheese!

Ana: EEEEBOLA!

I, and everyone around me, was horrified.

More pics on the next post. Oh we’re not done…

Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: