Dear Kim,

I’ll start off by telling you that I think I might have a mom-crush on you. I just came across your blog and I really appreciate all of your worldly advice.

As for my question: My husband and I seem to be having a bit of trouble with our wine rack that was given to us as a wedding gift a few years ago. I think it is defective but I’ve been unsuccessful with my troubleshooting attempts. The problem is, no matter how many bottles we put in it, it doesn’t seem to hold the wine for more than a few days. I’m really at my wit’s end here, as I’m sure you can imagine. Any advice?

Thanks

Whiny Wino

Dear Whiny,

A mom-crush?! I am sooo blushing right now! Of course, it could be my rosacea acting up again, but I’m pretty sure it’s because of you!

Whiny, by “no matter how many bottles we put in it, it doesn’t seem to hold the wine for more than a few days”, I assume you mean you’re drinking it too quickly. Well, testify, sister, testify!!! Luckily, I can help!

At one time, my wine rack looked like this:

…a pathetic cabinet of rotating bottle loneliness.

Side note: The top wine was a gift from my wonderful brother-in-law, Kevin and his lovely wife, Stacy. The bottom wine was brought to book club by Renee. Renee was reassigned to Chips & Dips.

But my current wine rack is quite a display! It’s always filled and ready for the parrr-tay! …or so it would appear.

How to keep your wine rack full.

Step 1: Purchase your wine and carefully transport it home.

You do have an old car seat dedicated to wine bottle transportation, right?

Step 2: Using your Baby Bjorn (make sure the leg holes are sewn shut), carefully carry the bottles into the house, gently kiss each bottle, then choose which one you’ll sacrifice first. I like to sing “I’m a Little Wine Bottle” during this process:

It’s a very spiritual scene.

Step 3: Drink it.

Step 4: Refill your now empty wine bottle with cranberry juice or water & food coloring.

Step 5: Replace the cork as deeply as you can and cut off the remaining cork. Trust me, those corks are a bitch to get it back in.

Step 6: Color the top of the cork with a Sharpie. I recommend buying them in a variety of colors so you can match the original foil color.

Step 7: Gently slide the bottle back into your wine rack! TADA! A full wine rack through the art of winodermy!

Winodermy- You know how you had your taxidermist stuff your beloved, deceased dog, then sat him next to the kitchen table so it feels like he’s still alive and begging every time you eat your pizza (because pizza was his favorite)? Well, it’s a lot like that but with wine.

 

Whiny, I hope I was able to help you!

But if you meant that your wine rack was actually broken…throw that shit out! You wouldn’t let your child sleep in a recalled crib, so why on earth would you take chances with your wine?

Your friend in wine,

Kim

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