The Weekend in Crappy Pics: The Amy Schumer Tour

Weekend in Crappy Pics: Amy Schumer Tour

 

I love me some Amy Schumer, so when I heard she was coming to town I quickly snapped up two tickets, one for me and one for Brian (unless he pissed me off in the weeks leading up to the show, in which case they’d go to my bff).  And, of course, I screwed up the purchase…

First, a few words about me. I grew up in Delaware, a state so tiny that if you stood in the middle and stretched your arms out reallll wide, you’d touch the Atlantic Ocean with your right hand and the Maryland border with your left (look at a map and tell me Delaware’s not the single-wide trailer of states). So anytime you hear there’s an event happening in Delaware, you rarely ask yourself “Hmmm, will this require hotel accommodations?”

So as a newbie Pennsylvania resident, when given the choice of three PA locales, it went like this,”I have heard of these cities. I have seen signs for these cities. I’ll pick Wilkes-Barre because it is on a Saturday night. Saturday nights are fun.” Done. And then I spent the next 3 hours researching laundry detergents.

About a week ago, Brian asked me, “Which show are we going to?” and I replied, “Wilkes-Barre. I like Saturday nights.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Kim, that’s in the Pocono mountains!” Then I spent the next 3 hours researching hotels.

 

Saturday

About 30 minutes into our drive I had to pee. Brian asked “Can we try to get a little farther before stopping?” sure. sure.

An hour later, my fully distended bladder was experiencing a slow pulsating burn causing me to moan and writher in my seat. Brian, slurping up the last of his Starbucks Green Tea, announced, “Just 10 more miles.”      you son of a….

As soon as he put his empty cup down, I took it to the backseat, set on getting him a “refill”.

Weekend in Crappy Pics

A Venti Pee Tea, coming right up sir!

And that’s when he decided to stop at the nearest travel center.

I wasn’t sure I could make it across the parking lot so I had him pull up to the door. As I began running for the doors in a hunched-over Quasimodo gait, he stuck his head out the window and yelled  ‘WE HAVE A PEE-ER!  WE HAVE A PEE-ER! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, SHE’S GOING TO BLOW!”

 

At 1:30 pm we arrived at our hotel, The Woodlands. I have to say, they have a great marketing team because the outside didn’t look half as good as it did on the internet. But the inside was lovely and the entire rear of the complex faces a river, offering a picturesque view from every room…except ours. Apparently the “Amy Schumer Package” gives you a bottom floor closet overlooking the parking lot.

Just pass the luggage through the window, it's quicker.

Just pass the luggage through the window, it’s quicker.

Our dinner reservation at the hotel’s Japanese Restaurant wasn’t until 4:30 pm, so we decided to kill some time before dinner by pre-eating.

Breaker Brewing Company

Breaker Brewing Company

What a cool find! Like a diamond in this quiet coal mining town. (diamond, coal mining town – see what I did there)

Knowing our second dinner was only 2.5 hours away, we limited ourselves to a turkey panini with gouda and blackberry-jalapeno jam, a seafood cheese dip, and a bunch of micro-brews.

Breaker Brewing CoIMG_1004

Then we headed back to our pantry-sized room to get ready for dinner.

Brian was sooo hoping that with a name like “Shogun”, the Japanese Restaurant would have a gong to announce our arrival. Sadly, they did not. Not even a little souvenir one on the hostess stand.

Shogun_-Japanese_Restaurant_Logo

We ordered some delicious sushi, and I washed it down with a margarita…an orange margarita tasting of Tropicana. I guess that’s how they do it in Japan.

Reached my daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

Reached my daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

6 p.m., time for the BIG surprise. “Guess what, Brian?! We’re not driving the 1.2 miles to the stadium. Nope, we’re going to squish ourselves into the hotel shuttle and be shoulder-to-ear with the other ‘Amy Schumer Package’ guests! YAY!”

He tried to reason with me:

– 1.2 miles isn’t that far

– parking is only $10

– strangers will cough on us

– blah, blah, blaaaah.

Umm, the shuttle drops us off right at the door so I don’t have to walk across 2 miles of asphalt while the 35 degree mountain air kills my soul. I think I’ll risk the cooties.

And you know what, the shuttle was the best! Dirty Dan (not his birth name) was our driver, telling us some of the raunchiest jokes. Brian initially rolled off the van laughing, but then he turned to me looking all serious and said,”You know, those were some great jokes but he better be careful, he could have easily offend someone.” Yes Brian, Amy Schumer fans are real pearl clutchers.

We entered the stadium, grabbed a couple beers, then quickly found our seats.

I like to take pictures of pictures that tell me I can't take pictures. It makes me feel badass.

I like to take pictures of pictures that tell me I can’t take pictures. It makes me feel badass.

Then we met the couple next to me. A 30 year old woman and her 65 year old father, who happened to be a gynecologist. But of course.

They were a chatty pair. And when they were parched from talking SO much, the father got up to seek out some beer. And that’s when the daughter moved over to take her father’s seat next to me.

She told me all about her life- her hopes, her dreams, her failures, her attempts to follow in her father’s footsteps without riding his coattails. It was all very Lifetime Movie-ish. And every 30 seconds she’d interrupt her own story with, “Hmm, I hope my dad’s ok. I should have gone with him. I hope he doesn’t get lost.” Finally I blurted out, “Relax, if he can find his way around a vagina, he can find his way to a beer and back.”

“I like you” she said. Then shit got weird.

A few minutes before the show started, I said to Brian, “I need to use the bathroom. Where is it?” Before Brian could answer me, I received a tap on my leg from my new BFF, who was now two seats over because her father had indeed found his was back, “I need to go too. But let’s do Kegels until we can’t hold it anymore, then we’ll go together. Ok?”  She added a wink for effect.

Lots of questions.

  1. WTF?
  2. How long had she been reading my lips?
  3. Kegels until we can’t hold it anymore?!? Who does that?
  4. What kind of sadistic gynecological shit was she into?

Having flashbacks of the Allentown Travel Center and merging it with my all-time favorite movie Dirty Dancing, I hissed, “NO ONE PUTS BLADDER IN A CORNER!” and left her Kegeling ass there.

Luckily, the show started when I returned. And as the lights dimmed, I could feel her eyes burning into my chubby cheeks, signaling the death of our friendship.

Amy was crass, gross, raunchy – basically awesome! However. How.Ever. a large part of her set was spent discussing vaginas, mostly about how they could all use a deep cleaning. Usually that wouldn’t bother me, but when you’re sitting next to a 65 year old male gynecologist who keeps nudging you in the arm, nodding his head, and whispering in your ear“Tell me about it!”, “You’re not kidding!”, and my favorite “Oh my god, you can’t EVEN imagine!”, it kinda makes you shift in your seat contemplating your hygiene regimen and wondering “Am I doing enough?”

After the show, Brian and I took the hotel shuttle to the Mohegan Sun Casino where we wandered into yet another comedy show. We arrived just as the main act was beginning.

No vaginas here.

No vaginas here.

It wasn’t until the end, when they were raffling off the big, big prize, “Free tickets for a future show!”, that we realized we had inadvertently snuck in.

BAD.ASS.

After our illegal viewing of the show, we hung around the casino long enough for me to consume 4 chocolate martinis and an skunky Heineken before heading back to the hotel.

Did I mention the hotel called me 3 days before our trip to let me know they were hosting a Fraternity? Just a “heads up” they said. “I’m sure you won’t even know they’re there” they said. And that might have been true except:

Brian and I walking down the hall at 2 a.m.

Brian: “OMG, a skunk got in here! He must have entered from the parking lot.”

Me: “Dammit. I knew we should have upgraded to a higher floor”

20-ish year old guy walks by us giggling

Brian: “Woo-wee! That poor guy got sprayed.”

Me: “He got sprayed BIGTIME! You know, I heard tomato juice takes the…”

quick flashback of a hazy, smoke-filled college apartment, everyone laughing while I re-stack the Jenga tower wondering what’s so funny

“…wait…a…minute…that ain’t no skunk…”  (it was pot. they were smoking pot.)

We’re so incredibly naive. We should just take a cardboard box and fill it with cheap booze, spare car keys, and a stamp embossed with our signatures on it, and give it to our son on his 15th birthday. Save him the trouble.

 

SUNDAY

We woke up around 10 am, surprisingly not hung over, and made our way over to Bob Evans where I set up shop. Seriously, breakfast is MY MEAL. Brian is always incredibly embarrassed as I order, substitute, shift, omit, and request various food items until a perfect balance of salty, sweet, and savory has been achieved without the use of pork or beef. And then I take about 10 minutes to pre-butter, pre-cut, and pre-syrup everything.  My motto: once eating commences, there shall be no reason to pause.

After an exhausting breakfast, we headed home, admiring the beauty of the mountains, reflecting on the fun we had together, and feeling pretty darn grateful for another of my geographical screw ups.

 

Tell me, have you seen Amy Schumer on tour yet? If so, what did you think? And did you sit next to a gynecologist?

Weekend in Crappy Pics (Disney World – Part 4)

The Weekend in Crappy Pics - Disney 2014, family vacation is not always a fairy tale.

Ok, so I HAVE to do this Disney vacation wrap-up. No, really, because this blog is the only record my family will ever have of this trip…or of anything we ever do. How screwed up is that?

In 20 years:

Collin’s kids: Dad, where are all the pictures from when you were little?

Collin: Well, let me just pull up your grandmother’s blog…

Maybe I should create scrapbooks, you know, like a normal mother? Or maybe stop sewing felt vaginas?

But I digress…

Day 5 – Epcot

All you need to know about Epcot is that their World Showcase is not real. I mean, I know it’s not real real, but as it turns out, the products they sell ARE NOT EVEN FROM THE COUNTRY YOU’RE IN!

For example, the kids loved playing with the instruments displayed in Africa, so I thought to myself, “Candy Ass, you should buy the darlings a tambourine so you’ll have something valuable to take away when they start acting up.” (TIP: Always be prepared to deprive them, otherwise, they hold the upper hand.) 

epcot2

So I picked up the African tambourine and…

photo 3 (14)

HECHO EN MEXICO?

HECHO EN MEXICO?  

So let me get this straight, we visit Africa, in America, to buy a tambourine made in Mexico? UGGGHH. I wanted nothing more than to push that Mexican musical cart right through boring Norway and into the base of the Mayan temple!  …and then buy another margarita, seeing as I was back in Mexico. But I didn’t, so it was on to Japan…

epcot1

 Yup- Japan gifts, made in China.

Oh well, at least I knew the shit in China would be real. And it’s not like you can find “Made in China” products just anywhere, so there’s that.

 

Day 6 – Disney Quest

Ah, Disney “The 5 story video game place that we get into for free with our park tickets and our kids would have been happier just to stay here all 6 days” Quest.

Because our family is extremely competitive and hates to lose, we spent most of our time playing in KidQuest, the gaming zone designed for children ages 2-7.

Here’s Brian kicking a tiny game’s ass as a group of preschoolers form around him, some in awe, others crying, one offers to buy the next round of juice boxes:

photo 4 (8)

Sure, setting the high score in the kiddie area might be a boost to our self esteem, but it’s entering the winning initials “A.S.S.” that we truly live for.

 

After Leaving Disney Quest, we walked over to the Lego store…

disneyquest1

where Ana played until the kid in the black jacket sneezed into the Lego bowl then fished around for his cough drop.

 

After generously coating everyone with hand sanitizer, we headed to a nearby Irish restaurant for dinner.

Much to our delight, they had dance performers throughout the meal and, at one point, they invited children to come up.

Here’s Ana performing:

Disney Quest2

I had two chocolate martinis made with Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Martini #1 – “Look at her, she’s a natural!”

Martini #2 – “You know, I’m signing her up for Irish dance lessons the moment we get home because she really seems to enjoy it, you know? I bet she could get a scholarship, you know?”

Day 7 – Heading Home

During our trip, the stroller we’ve had since Collin was a baby, broke. I wanted to cry.

I know it sounds stupid, but I felt horrible knowing I’d have to leave it behind. This wonderful apparatus, this, this, godsend, this beautiful stroller, it restrained my children for many years, allowing me to do some really special things, things like peeing in public stalls, trying on clothes in handicap dressing rooms, and walking through various mall parking lots wondering where the hell my car was.

So it was with tremendous grief that I carried the stroller into the rental unit’s garage and, amid the screams of “MOM WHERE ARE YOUUUU?”, said my final goodbyes.

photo 2 (15)

 

And then I put it down.

photo 3 (11)

If I’m honest with myself, Stroller had been struggling for years. It really was the most humane thing to do.

Farewell, good friend, farewell.

 

The Airport

Apparently, airport security does this new thing where they ask your kid who you are to them, and you have to stand there with your mouth shut hoping they’ll say “My mom” and not “She must be my kidnapper because my real mother would have bought me that Mickey Mouse pin from the gift shop”.

But either way, this security measure is truly unfortunate for us, as Ana tends to clam up when put on the spot.

After she met his third request of “Who is this lady?” with yet another shrug and blank stare, I began to panic. My mouth smiled at her like ‘aren’t you being super silly’ but my eyes, my eyes screamed, ‘SAY MOTHER! SAAAY MOOOTHERRR! SAY IT!’ In that moment, I realized that there’s a fine line between trying to get your kid to claim you and looking like a child trafficker coercing your abductee to lie, and I was walking it.

Finally, “She’s my mom?”

A question? She phrases it in the form of a question?!?! Oh, Jesus, I’m going to the big house.

I guess sick of us wasting his time, the security officer decided that was good enough and let us go. No cavity search required.

And as we were about to board the plane, the last thing I heard on our vacation was this announcement,  “Attention  passengers, we are paging Joe Momma…paging Joe Momma. Would Joe Momma please come to the courtesy desk?”  HAHAHAHA, that’s a classic!

 

 

 

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If you’re bored, go back and read Disney, Part 1 here

Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (pt.3)

weekendincrappypics

 

In case you missed the last couple posts, Disney (Part 1) and Disney (Part 2), I’m continuing our Disney trip with some more crappy pics.

 

Day 3 – Hollywood Studios

As you know, Frozen is all the rage right now, and nowhere in Disney is that more apparent than Hollywood Studios.

First we had to see the Frozen sing-a-long musical…which was AWESOME!

 

Then we moved like cattle to a building that contained EVERYTHING and ANYTHING Frozen. Though I couldn’t find the feminine product line-  a bloated Elsa on the box, with sled shaped pads and tampons dangling from her castle like icicles.

 

Ana swore she had to have this t-shirt-

photo 1 (20)

 I swore I would NOT pay this price-

photo 2 (21)

so we distracted her with something shiny and free. Snow.

Welcome to Wandering Oaken’s Frozen Snowground, where it’s always 40 degrees, and you delightfully slip and slide on recycled slush while wearing shorts.

photo 3 (15)

 

 

Brian screaming over “Do You Want to Build a Snowman”: Oh my god, how long do we have to stay here?

Collin: Can we go?

me: It’s timed, so I think 5 minutes maybe?

Collin: Can we go?

me to cast member: How long do they play in that cold stuff?

Collin: Can we go?

cast member: 15 minutes.

me: oh..no..no..no..no…. (my visible breath swirling into the shape of a dagger before plunging into my heart)

Collin: MOM! That little girl just hit me in the face with an iceball!

 

Who knew Hell would be so cold?

 

 Day 4 – Blizzard Beach

photo 1 (17)

Sadly, this was the only photo I was able to take all day because I had to leave my phone in the locker. But if I did have my camera, this is what I would have captured…

1. Brian losing our locker key in the Lazy River. He spent a half hour with security, breaking into our locker and relocating our belongings.

2. Brian then losing our Disney Gift Card (which we had just loaded with money) on Runoff Rapids. They had to close the ride and call a diver in to retrieve it. Thankfully, the ride was configured in such a way that those waiting in line at the top were unable to see why it was stopped. “I wouldn’t volunteer you’re the reason.” was the advice given to us by the attendant.

3. Me and my mother-in-law ordering a drink from the bar at 2 pm because it had already been a long day.

 

Trick or Treating in Celebration, FL

 

Ah, Celebration, Fl, the idyllic little town that Disney built.

Judging by the small number of homes with lights on, it seems that most of these residences are used as vacation homes. But the ones that did give out candy went fantastically overboard!

Our little Elsa, even found an Anna and Kristoff!

anahalloween

 

But here’s the weird thing…see that gate on their front porch? Almost all of the homes had them, like they were keeping us “out-of-towners” at a safe distance, off their porches and away from their breakables.

For a moment, I considered I might be paranoid, but then we came upon “jail house” where they pointed rifles and threw candy at us over a barbed wire fence.

photo 2 (16)

Something tells me this was a multifaceted design choice.

 

NEXT UP: Epcot and Disney Quest, then home…click here

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (part 1)

weekendincrappypics

 

We just returned from a fun and EXHAUSTING week at Disney World, and I have a ton of crappy pics to share with you…but just not today, I was up ALL night with Ana. Blah. Unfortunately, along with her new stuffed animals, t-shirts, and Mickey ears, Ana flew home from Florida with a sad little fever. The entire flight was spent with me silently pleading with her to not tell surrounding passengers about both her fever and that her favorite place to visit was Africa (in Epcot). “Just pick one to talk about. Not both.”

Anyway, before I attempt to nap, I thought I’d share at least one pic, our very first pic in Disney. It sets the “crappy” bar pretty high.

photo 1 (13)

To truly appreciate the level of crappiness happening here, let’s break this photo down by asking a few composition related questions:

Is there a trash and/or sewage element incorporated into the picture’s focal point?

disney1

Yes there is. Both, in fact!

Does the background contain a random person inexplicably laying on the asphalt?

disney6

Why, yes it does. And it appears she’s receiving a back massage because why not? We’re in America.

Does the subject(s) appear to have the exact opposite of a relaxed and natural stance?

disney4

I’d say so. I can’t imagine it gets more rigid than this.

And finally, does the subject’s expression make you ask “WTF? Is he passing a Lego?”

disney 5It does…it certainly does.

Read Disney- Part 2 here

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Did you get your BAD ASS t-shirt from  Imagination T’s yet? Get it today!

back mommy

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