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The Vacation in Crappy Pics! Mexico, Drug Cartels, & Margaritas!

We’re back from Mexico, and I’m 3 pounds lighter! How did that happen? No clue. Maybe it was that one day I exercised, or my all-liquid diet (margaritas), or the slimming effect of dysentery. Whatever it was, it made me love Mexico even more!

“Te amo, Mexico!”
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A few days ago, a friend emailed me asking about our trip. Somehow, I was able to capture the essence of our vacation in a few run-on sentences:

Vacation was great! I was bitten by a spider who, I’m pretty sure, injected her eggs under my skin,we were chased by security guards protecting the Mexican Secretary of State who was responsible for the recent capture of “El Chapo”, the kingpin of the Mexican Drug Cartel, I had a TON of yummy margaritas, and the sights were absolutely breathtaking! Oh, AND I found the mother spider this morning, as I was unpacking my luggage. They’re orphans now.

So let’s get on with some crappy pics!

Our resort, The St. Regis in Punta Mita, was GORGEOUS! As in, “We could never afford this! Thank you, Brian, for winning this awesome work incentive trip. And now I have to be “extra nice” to you, don’t I?”

Just take a look at our shower/bathtub area:

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And that’s just the bathing area! There’s still a toilet area, a sink area, and a walk out shower area! All wonderful places to enjoy a margarita while wondering if a wooden ladder full of towels would fit into your 3 ft x 2 ft shower stall at home.

Our room was so big that they even had one of those “You Are Here” maps like you find at the mall.

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Thank goodness the “You Are Here” map was on the door to tell us that we were standing in front of the door. Without it, we may have spent the entire week opening and closing closets, never quite sure how to exit. That would have been HORRIBLE.

Once we found our way out of the room, we headed to the pool…the elevated infinity pool!

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The Infinity Pool, where my cries of “why can’t everyday be like this?” go on and on, forever and ever.

It was at some point during this day that I acquired that nasty bug bite.

wcp250Bitten twice or fang marks? You decide.

This pic was actually taken a week afterwards. My friend took it while offering some “you might want to get that checked out” advice. Nah, I’m too excited to see what develops and/or hatches.

The following day, we decided to take a walk along the beach.

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We eventually reached a point where the beach ended, there was nothing but waves hitting the rocks.

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Brian: Should we turn around?

Me: Why? I say we keep going.

Brian: Looks a little dangerous.

Me: Oh, pah-leez

And so we kept going.

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Look, Ma! No common sense!

Little did we know that federal security would soon have us in the exact same position.

As we rounded a corner, the beach opened up again…and the guards closed in.

Guard: (shooing me away with his hand like I was some sort of peasant…which I essentially was.) Leave! Leave this beach! GO! GO!

Me: Hey there! Hola, senior! Por favor, muy bieno tacos!

Guard: GO!

Me: Good sir, do you know who I am? I am a guest of the St. Regis and…

Guard: Get away! (shooing me again)

I thought to myself, ‘Hmm, he does not seem impressed. I doubt he’d let me use his bathroom.’

As we were leaving, I snapped this picture of the rude guy retreating.

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Then we spent the next 10 minutes looking over our shoulders, waiting for them to confiscate my iPhone.

Guess what we found on our way back…

wcp258If they really want people to see that sign, they need to make it taller than my ankle…or maybe place some complementary nachos around it.

Luckily, we didn’t find out until later that the government dude staying next to us has a drug cartel target on his back…it might have ruined the tranquility of the trip.

On Monday, determined to embrace the culture, I convinced Brian to visit an authentic, non-touristy, Mexican surfing town.

Oh, it was authetic alright, complete with taco stands, rotted produce being sold out of broken down trucks, and dogs playing & shitting in the street.

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It was all very charming…until you notice that the ice in your margarita is melting, and remember that you’re not supposed to be drinking the water…or eating the food…and suddenly you feel sick and sense your body revolting because this could have all been avoided if you had just embraced your obnoxious standards and ordered a bottle of Perrier or even Fuji.

Until the Congo has several 5-star resorts to choose from, we’ll never be a world travelers.

While we were sad to leave Mexico (it’s truly our most favorite place, so far) we were eager to hug our kids and pets, and listen to the question “Whaddya get me?” on a loop until we had a chance to unpack. Speaking of unpacking, I pulled a sports bra out of my suitcase and look who I found…

Momma Spider!

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Damn right, I threw that sports bra in the toilet!

I swear she hitched a ride in my luggage because I’m probably carrying her babies. Like I said, they’re orphans now. Don’t worry, I’ll raise them like my own and tell them about their real mother when they’re old enough to know the truth. In the meantime, can you take a close look at this spider and help me identify it? It’s always nice to put a name with a face. Plus it might be important to the doctors when my paralysis kicks in.

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Is it me or does it have a claw?

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Check out my girl, Shauna Lynn, over at Freckles and Curse Words!

Do you think women are catty & bitchy? Well, she’s calling BULLSHIT on you!

Love it!

Weekend in Crappy Pics

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On Friday, I bought a bathing suit.

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Hot, right?

It covers up my stretch marks, looks sexy, provides full coverage, and doesn’t fit.

That’s right, it doesn’t fit…yet.

You see, Brian and I are going to Mexico this Spring, and this is my healthy eating/mega exercise/sexy “goal” bathing suit, which is actually kinda ridiculous considering where I rank on the sexiness scale. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna look like someone shoved Hello Kitty into a Catwoman costume.

Friday afternoon, I learned that Ana’s class has been discussing future career choices.

Apparently, Ana told her teachers that when she grows up she wants to teach gymnastics…to CATS. When they told her that wasn’t possible, she came home, locked herself and the cat in her room, and set out to prove them wrong.

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She gave the cat a “9” for form but only a “7” for landing. Ironic, considering cats always land on their feet.

On Saturday, we went to Collin’s first day of Spring flag football…only we were a day early. Here’s Brian walking back to the car all pissed because I got the day wrong.

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To be fair, it’s not the first time I’ve done that. Or even the fourth.

Seeing how our morning schedule had opened up, we headed to the mall where we ate in the godforsaken food court. I HATE the food court with a passion! The chaos, the crowds, the crap food. HATE IT!

Ana loves it. Chaos, crowds, and crap food seem to be her “thang”.

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Next, we went to Costco where I saw this awesomeness:

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WOOHOO!

We live in a lake community, and every Spring I swear I’m going to buy one of these. Just look at those Oasis Island models, floating around, enjoying life, playing “I Never”, while some inattentive teenager watches their little model kids on shore. That’s the life for me!

Mark my words “THIS WILL BE MY YEAR!” I just have to go back to Costco without Brian; he doesn’t support my dream.

Saturday night was nice, but chilly. We put Ana to bed then lit a fire on our deck…our wooden deck…next to our wooden house with a wooden roof. I like to think of us as good people who make bad choices.

After about 5 minutes, Collin came out to join us, wearing only a t-shirt and pair of shorts. So I sent him back in to get his coat on. Ana, wide awake and listening, decided to come out too. After she finished bragging about remembering her coat, I sent her back in for pants.

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On Sunday morning, we went to the gym and Brian & I did spinning. The lady next to him was hacking it up so Brian, ever the germaphobe, moved his bike waaay too close to me.

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He spent the next 45 minutes pointing out every word that had even a hint of sexual innuendo – “push it” “increase your load” “harder, faster” “let’s do it”, you name it.

Next, we finally went to Collin’s flag football.

Upon approaching the field, I noticed there were barely any kids on the team. My heart sank…not for Collin, for me. As a Parasite Parent, a shortage of kids means fewer families sitting around the sidelines, lowering my chances of finding another set of parents with the right qualifications (pets, other kids, new games, etc) to entertain my kid for the whole horrible hour! Who the hell was going to be my Host Family? Shit, shit shit!

And then this happened:

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And the angels sang.

Sunday afternoon, we sprinted to the movie theater to see the Muppets Most Wanted movie.

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And when I say “sprinted”, I mean busted our asses to get there early! Brian was on us like a drill sergeant, all screaming in our faces like “Let’s go go go go! MOVE IT! THAT THEATER’S GOING TO BE PACKED! DO YOU WANT TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW, STRAINING YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR MUSCLES FATIGUE AND YOUR MOMMA HAS TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP? DO YOU, PRIVATE? DO YOU?”

This was the theater when we arrived:

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Look at that crowd.

Brian and the kids LOVED the movie. Me…meh, I’d give it 2 Milk Duds.

How was your weekend?

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

On Friday, I began phase 1,272 of my basement re-do project, Painting.

Having purchased the best paint on the market (Benjamin Moore), I thought for sure I’d be putting my feet up and enjoying a yummy cocktail in no time. However, after 1 wall, 3 hours, and 5 coats of Mascarpone White later:

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If you recall Collin’s Birthday party, where I encouraged the kids to write all over the walls because “I’m painting anyway” (and clearly crazy), then you know that I have no one to blame but myself.

wcp25No, of course not. It’s probably my fault.

 

A heavy-duty primer is now on my shopping list.

 

On Saturday, I took Ana to TWO  back-to-back birthday parties. What’s that? Didn’t I take her to one last weekend? Why yes, yes I did. And don’t we have another one this weekend? Why yes, yes we do.

The first birthday was a 2 pm bowling party.

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Then we headed to a 3:30 pm Dance Club birthday party, complete with pounding music, black lights, and an open bar. Just kidding about the open bar. Wish I wasn’t.

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While eating my third slice of birthday cake this week, I did a little math:

25 classmates + birthdays= 25 birthday parties.

Homeschooling never looked so appealing.

 

On Sunday, I spent 6 hours painting the rest of the basement…almost. I sorta ran out of paint and patience.

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Oh, and I’ve decided to continue my DIY wainscoting up the basement stairs because ending this project without a full mental breakdown is not an option. So you can look forward to that.

How was your weekend?

Weekend in Crappy Pics

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I pretty much dragged ass this whole weekend. Sorry but it’s true.

[ INSERT MENTAL PICTURE OF SLOTH HERE] *too lazy to find a non-copyrighted picture

I even thought about skipping my Weekend in Crappy Pics post today but I know you’re all just chomping at the bit to read about our last 48 hours…well, except for Carol R. from Cincinnati, who’s asked me at least 3 or 4 times to remove her from my email list. But you know what I said to Carol? “Carol, Winners never quit me and quitters never win! And you’re a winner, Carol! YOU’RE A WINNER!”

I’m now SPAM to her.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Thursday night is to “blame for my lame”. <— I just made that up. I’ll trademark it later.

Thursday night, I took Brian on a surprise date. It wasn’t a surprise date like “Surprise! We’re on a date.” because date nights require more planning than that, it was more like “Surprise! Can you guess why I brought you to this dive?”

He was looking for clues everywhere.

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he was like:

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and I was like:

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I don’t want to hold you in suspense any longer…we were there to see a very popular comedian in our area, who’s frequently a guest on Brian’s favorite sports radio station. The guy did a bunch of sports humor and sports impressions and sports and sports, and other sports stuff, but it was a BYOB venue so I had a good time.

Afterwards, Brian was all giddy and in good spirits and in no hurry to get home so he suggested that we stop at the pub next door. I had a chocolate martini…then another…then I got all rambly with people about how I used to do custom handbags but had to stop because of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

On our way out, the bartender handed me these:

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Latex gloves. Umm, what?

Turns out, he thought I said I used to do custom handjobs until I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Strangely, I wasn’t as bothered by the “handjobs” misunderstanding as I was baffled by the “custom” part. Is that even a thing? Who’s got time for that??? Anyway, I guess he wanted me to be “careful out there” so that was nice…I think.

When we arrived home, I clumsily paid the babysitter from an enveloped marked “ANA’S BIRTHDAY MONEY” and still came up $5 short.

I handed her the $45 and said, “Ana either needs to get a job or have more birthdays!” Then I laughed and laughed and…worst mom ever.

On Friday, “somebody shoot me” could be heard in the early hours of noon.

And that’s why I didn’t write a Free Advice Friday (for those keeping track at home). My advice would have been something along the lines of “Don’t drink . Ever.” and “Pay the babysitter a little something extra to buy her discretion.” Actually, the latter isn’t a bad idea.

How was your weekend? Tell me you were worthless too, please.

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