پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Exhausted Mothers everywhere, here’s my answer to the horrible Bento Box Fad!

Well, it finally happened, the thing I’ve been dreading…yesterday, my precious daughter rolled off the school bus bitching and moaning about the lack of artistic effort that I’ve been putting into her packed lunches. My first thought, “Oh shit, has she been on Pinterest?” My second thought, “We need to update our parental controls to include Pinterest.”

But no, it seems that some better-than-me mother (who, I guarantee, does have a Pinterest account) has been sending her daughter to school everyday with a lunchbox full of “love” in the form of Disney inspired entrees and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom carrots. And Ana has taken notice. Thanks a lot, lady. Thanks. A. Lot.

According to my daughter, Wednesday’s lunchtime was spent watching little Hayden nibble on Elsa’s certified organic noodle braid, while Ana despondently ate from a zip-lock bag filled with pretzels and an enormous amount of apathy. Her tale of woe was really quite heartbreaking. So, like any guilt-ridden mother, I decided to give this stupid Bento Lunch thing a try.

I promised Ana an Olaf lunch, but when I read the first three ingredients: Japanese Nori noodles, purple seaweed, edible modeling clay, I was all, “Oh heeeellll no!” Packing a lunch should not require me to source food from various specialty shops and craft stores. I haven’t shaved in four days and THAT needs to happen before I start driving around town seeking out cuisine for my 5 year old to throw out.

How’s that Meat Loaf song go?

“I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. Nooooo, I won’t. do. thaaaat.”

But I promised her an Olaf lunch, so it was on to Plan B. Unfortunately, I had no Plan B…at least not until I drank a couple glasses of 2009 Cabernet from the Napa region- that always loosens up my wheels.

And so, exhausted, not-so-perfect mothers everywhere, I’d like to present my “Damn you, Hayden’s mom!” answer to this crazy, expensive, and time consuming lunch fad:

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.

Step 2: Arrange money and tape down

Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw the rest.

Olaf says…don’t “flake” on your test!

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox

 

Screw making little broccoli trees with an “I love you!” tediously carved into their stalks with an X-Acto knife while freebasing your blood pressure pills and trying to remember your insurance provider’s Mental Health co-pay. No thank you. Besides, unlike a scene from The Lion King made out of graham crackers and Russian caviar, my “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Boxes provide the perfect canvas for real communication between you and your child:

 

Confronting potty issues:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox  www.OneClassyMotha.com

Offering friendship advice:

 

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox- www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Calling them out:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

I realize the “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box still requires a minimum amount of effort on your part, which is something I’m normally against, but just think of the look on your child’s face when they open their lunch box and see something like this:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Arachnophobia, cured. “Thanks, mom!”

Ladies, even if your child doesn’t buy lunch, I’m here on my linoleum floor, begging you to step away from the melon baller and to embrace the beautiful quadrilateral simplicity of a square cheese sandwich. After all, you don’t need to win the “MOM OF THE YEAR” title because, as far as your child is concerned, you already have it.

Please send me your “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box pictures so I can pin them to my Pinterest “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box idea board!

Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney World!

Hey there! How was your weekend? Well, we did NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, which I didn’t think was possible- yet here I am, unshowered and in the same yoga pants that I wore to bed Friday night. A true & shameful testament to laziness. But we just got back from a 5 day Disney World vacation, which is the equivalent of walking around the globe 3 times, so can you really blame me?

Instead of sharing my weekend in crappy pics (which would be me sitting on the couch eating nachos), I’m going to share some pics from our trip. But before you poke your eyes out, I’m not sharing “Happiest Place on Earth” park pics, you can go on www.disney.com for that. No, these are a little less than glamorous.

Week in Crappy Pics

When we checked in at the airport, Brian surprised me with a first class ticket…for just me! He was going to be sitting with the kids in our usual “Shitter Row” (last row next to the bathrooms) while I received first class attention.

Hooray! I was so happy!

And then I boarded the plane…

I could tell by his screaming, thrashing, and continuous back arching, little Oliver was not a fan of plane travel…or life. Luckily, wine is complementary in first class and my “I’m going to need a bigger glass.” was met with both sympathy and understanding by the flight attendant.

While drinking my second glass (we still hadn’t left the gate) and making small talk with Oliver’s mother (who struggled to contain him), I thought, “This isn’t so bad” and then I was proven wrong…

DAMN IT, OLIVER!

Wine everywhere, even on the baby. That kid smelled like liquor and rotten soy milk (he’s allergic to dairy), not a pleasant combination.

After rolling around the wet floor and saturating his pants with chardonnay and possibly urine, he climbed into my lap and sucked on the handmade designer pendent hanging around my neck.

But by then I was on my third glass, so I didn’t mind.

Our First Day – Magic Kingdom

She was so excited!

But the moment we entered the park something pissed her off. Maybe the heat? a hangnail? my breathing? Who knows.

Me – “Cheer up. Aren’t you excited to see Mickey Mouse?”

Ana – “No! I DON’T LIKE Mickey Mouse! And I HATE Disney World!”

I heard a sudden and collective gasp from the crowd- this was blasphemy!

Mothers rushed to cover their children’s ears, babies started crying, and men wearing fanny packs shook with newly discovered testosterone.

I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed her and ran. I ran fast and far from the Disney zealots until we reached a watering hole, then I stuck her in it to literally and figuratively cool off. Cinderella dress and all.

I’m pretty sure this was a Disney baptism in disguise because her demons were gone when we dried her off.

Day 2 – Epcot

We met up with my Aunt and cousins to enjoy Epcot’s Food & Wine Festival. Did you really think this trip was all about the kids? hahahaha

Being a responsible adult, I didn’t want to drink and drive Ana’s stroller so I had Collin push her around.

And she made him her stroller beotch!

Day 3 – Typhoon Lagoon Water Park

Yeah…no pics here. But trust me when I tell you that we (except Brian) snorkeled with Leopard Sharks, Sting Rays, and various fish. Ana was all about it, Collin needed a little convincing though:

Collin: So what’s in there?

Me: Leopard sharks and sting rays. It’s totally safe.

Collin: Oh, ok.

Collin: Wait a second…how did that Steve Irwin guy die again?

Me: Um…oh look, there’s Donald Duck!

Day 4 – Animal Kingdom

Animal Kingdom was great! But the real highlight was this:

The cops pulling us over on our way home.

Brian: Oh, great. I think they got me speeding

Kim: Nah, it was the red light you ran.

Brian: It could have been the illegal u-turn.

The policeman walked up:
Police Officer: I stopped you because your taillights aren’t working

He ended up giving us a warning because it was a rental car and we didn’t know how to use the headlights, and we were clearly clueless idiots.

But the best part of the whole thing was watching Brian’s parents slowly passing us by in their car, his dad shaking his head and his mom’s face pressed against the window, worried that her little boy was going to the slammer.

Day 5 – Hollywood Studios

Collin conquered a few rides that he refused to ride last time we were here.

And Ana was ecstatic to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse live as it featured all of her favorites, Sophia, Doc McStuffins, and Jake & the Neverland Pirates.

It was wonderful to see all the children clapping and dancing to the opening song. But then they announced technical difficulties and parents began quietly shitting their pants.

Thankfully, it was back up and running in less than 3 minutes. If it had lasted any longer, I’m convinced the kids would have stormed the stage.

Departure

We were sad to leave but, at the same time, we couldn’t walk one more mile, ride one more ride, or apply anymore Gold Bond medicated powder (we were all out).

How was our flight home? Well, no first class ticket for me BUT I was thrilled that we weren’t stuck in shitter row again! Our seats were actually located in the middle of the plane this time. What a nice change 🙂

Then I sat in my seat…

My “middle of the plane” seat was next to the “middle of the plane” toilet. Are your kidding me?! Here’s my view:

Remember this: there’s only one thing worse than Shitter Row, and that’s…Shitter Alley.

How was your weekend?

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 

Have you read about the worst Halloween costume ever? No? Then you gotta head over to The Shitastrophy! She’s absolutely nuts!

 

My Saturday Morning

As I lay there dreaming of puppies and kittens, I was awakened by something being shoved up my nose and a voice saying “Eww, smell my finger, it stinks!”

Needless to say, I snapped my head away so quickly that I pulled a muscle in my neck. Thanks Ana, I now require warm up exercises to check my side view mirrors when driving.

I yelled “beat it, kid!” and pulled the covers over my head.  I had to get back to my flowery meadow where kittens play soccer with balls made of yarn and puppies work the concession stand selling hot dogs…hot dogs.  Hahaha, dogs selling dogs!Subconscious, you’re a freakin genius!

But moments later Collin came into my bedroom complaining of how hungry he was.  He was getting on my damn nerves with cries of  “I’m seriously starving”, “I’m going to die if I don’t eat”, and my favorite “My body is starting to shut down”. This went on for hours- it was sooo annoying!

I eventually went downstairs and found him sitting at the kitchen table holding a fork and sucking in his stomach so that his ribs were showing. I firmly (bitchingly) told him I wasn’t his slave and he could have fed himself if he was so damn hungry (though I didn’t say “damn” because I don’t curse in front of my kids…not that they can hear anyway).

Collin- “But we don’t have anything to eat”

Me- “Oh really, is that right? We only have a whole refrigerator full of stuff you could feed yourself with.”

Collin – “Like what?”

Me- (opening the refrigerator and looking in) “you could have had…umm

(tip: a mother must never lose a battle of wits no matter how much BS you to need to pull out of your ass to win)

…umm.. pickles, salami, mayo, limes…no wait, those limes are for my margaritas, don’t touch them. But everything else is totally edible.”

We both knew I was full of crap…what we really had was a refrigerator full of condiments, expired lunch meats, and bacterial yogurt that makes you poop 10x a day.

Mental notes:

go to the grocery store

clean out the fridge

tell Ana to keep her hands out of her pants

 

After he ate he must of felt bad about the whole thing because he offered to feed the dog.

 Me- “No thanks,Mr.Bojangles already ate.”

Collin- “What? When?” looking confused

Me- “Earlier. He seemed hungry so I jumped out bed, fed him, and made your sister a 3 egg omelet with toast. Then I went back to sleep. Why do you think I was so tired?”

Of course It wasn’t true, but it had the desired effect of pissing him off.

Passive-Aggressive Tactics

Me- 1

Collin- 0

 

Around 10:30am I met a couple of the girls down at the lake for a 5 mile run. Hahaha, I know, right! No way in hell was I able to do a 5 mile run- but as my family always says, I’d go to a shit eating contest if I could go alone. It’s one of my mottos along with “Half-assed is better than no ass” and “There’s no “i” in team but there is an “m” and an “e”” (I think you heard me use that last motto here.)

These girls were no joke, wearing their running gear, complete with multiple distance tracker thingies and an iPhone velcroed to their arm. I assumed we would slowly warm up by walking for the first 2 miles while discussing hairstyles, boys, and our periods. Nope, I got a “let’s go!” and they started running. WTF? STARTED freakin running! I threw my iPhone in my cleavage and prayed I had enough boobage to keep it there.

I managed to keep up with them for what felt like hours but what was actually a half mile. Then I got side tracked when I saw the cows at the nearby farm lined up at the fence. I waved to them like I usually do when I pass, but I didn’t get much of an acknowledgement. They didn’t recognize me without my car.

Is that you Kim? Did your car break down?

Sometime during the first mile I lost sight of the girls. Good riddance. They were only a reminder of how much I sucked. So I texted them the following message:

And that’s what I did. They invited me to go running with them again next weekend. I laughed and slipped each one a $20 and said “if my husband asks, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And there’s another $20 in it for you if you stop by the lake afterwards to give me believable details of our run “.

There are a lot of things I can do…

1. Give a cat CPR and bring him back from the dead. (And he still hated me.)

2. Open a wine bottle with only a screw and pliers.

MacGyver with a drinking problem.

3. Roller skate backwards after 3 beers (but not before).

We have it on video if anyone needs proof.

but I cannot run 3 2 1 mile to save my life! That’s ok, I’ll just pretend I did and continue to sit by the lake.

Please take a moment to acknowledge my shaved ankles.

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