The Weekend in Crappy Pics!

So we’re back from staycation and can I tell you, we are not staycation people. People like us need to be out of our environment to really relax. Case in point, on staycation Day 1, I bought two new tires for the front of the car and told Collin that there’s no such thing as Santa. How’s that for quality family time?

I felt really bad about the Santa thing but he kept asking me and begging me. And jeez, he’s 9, it’s about time.

At first, I thought about telling him that Santa died in a chimney fire and that us parents were just picking up where Santa left off. “It was his dying wish.” I’d say. But something told me that might be more damaging to his psyche in the long run…that “something” was probably common sense.

After I told him the truth, he dropped his head and became very quiet. Sorry, but I didn’t take a crappy pic of this moment, I’m not heartless…but it looked a lot like this:

Every time I caught a glimpse of him in the rear view mirror, my heart broke. Oh, did I not mention that we were driving down the highway when I crushed him? Yeah, the whole thing could have been handled better.

After a few minutes I whispered, “Collin? Did I just kill your childhood?” He slowly shook his head no.

Turns out he was glad to know the truth before entering 4th grade. Apparently, last year he was 1 of only 4 kids in his class who still believed, and he vehemently defended the existence of Santa to all of his other classmates. Now he felt like a fool. And how do I know he felt like a fool? Because 1. He told me and 2. I was 1 of only 4 people in the world who vehemently defended Milli Vanilli against lip syncing accusations…until their record skipped mid concert. “Girl you know it’s tru..tru..tru…tru…true”. I do now, Milli Vanilli, I do now.

 

 

The biggest thing we did on our staycation was a day trip to Hershey Park.

 

Once we arrived, we realized Ana thought we were going to “Horsey Park”. Needless to say, she was pretty pissed when she was handed a bite sized chocolate bar and not her very own pony.

 

“Can I ride the horsey now?”

In true One Classy Family fashion, it only took a few minutes for us to make a bad decision. See this game- the one with the gun that shoots a rubber ball using extreme air pressure?

Well someone let Ana play, but I won’t say who.

I swear I saw it happening in my mind seconds before it actually happened. Ana pulled the trigger, the rubber ball hit the edge of the platform, riochetted around, flew back, and hit her in the eye.

“Waaahhhh! I just want to ride a horsey! Waaaahhh”

We decided to stop playing games and moved on to the rides.

I’ve decided that amusement parks are perfect for the busy family, the family that never finds time to sit down and just talk to one another. You know why? Because you spend the whole damn day in a line and by the time you’ve reached a ride you have nothing left to talk about except how you have nothing left to talk about.

“Hey Collin, wanna play ‘Guess How Many Fillings I Have’?” *I have zero- took him forever.

Five hours, 3 rides, and 90% humidity later, the kids were begging to go to the water park. So after changing in a room the size of a broom closet, we headed over to the great big huge wave pool…which was closed because some kid shit in it. He also shit all over our dreams. Thanks, kid.

*I have no pictures of this part of the trip because I had to leave my phone in the locker. You’ll have to paint you’re own mental image.

Consequently, all the other water areas were clogged with 1-hour wait lines BECAUSE THE POOL WAS CLOSED! We stood in the shortest line we could find, and when we were finally at the front, Ana stubbed her toe and it started bleeding everywhere! “Can we go home now?” was said in unison.

On the drive home, we were all disappointed, exhausted, and dry. I wanted to stop here to complain:

“Jesus Christ! That place was ridiculous!”

but Brian said I should write him a formal letter now that we know his address.

The rest of our staycation was more of a stay-in-bed-cation. If we ever do this again, I’m totally hiring a maid to come in for clean up and turn down service.

How was your week?

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Notes from Camp Cheapo- Day 2, Season 2

It’s Camp Cheapo Week! You can read Day 1 here

 

Oh man, I really winged it today. No morning trip to the store, no laying out of equipment, and no idea what we’d be doing. But when the clock struck noon and the garage doors went up, it was GO time! I suspect this is how badass rock bands put on a show.

First up, water balloon basketball. The idea was to gently put a balloon filled with water (not to be confused with a water balloon) in the basketball net, which I had previously tied at the bottom to keep the balloon from falling out. Then one person would stand under the net while everyone else took free shots. Problem was, the damn balloon wouldn’t pop!

Someone suggested throwing darts at the balloon. Not surprisingly, the thought had crossed my mind too, until I remembered that throwing darts above another person’s head probably wasn’t a good idea. The fact that I even entertained this idea makes me think I might need a supervisor to supervise my supervision.

We disappointingly moved on to “Indestructible Bubbles”, made with water, dish soap, corn syrup, and love.

I would say that the adjective “Indestructible” is a huge exaggeration. These were more like “Hold Me Gently” bubbles. I’m guessing it was the love that weakened them.

 

Next up was a cleverly disguised bath that I like to call “Bubble Pool Relays”.

Instruction: You’ll want to fill a baby pool with dish soap, then throw about 100 small plastic toys in there. Have the children divide into two relay teams. At the whistle, the first pair have 15 seconds to fish out as many toys as they can with their feet, the next pair can use their hands, the next use their elbows, etc. Keep cycling through this until they’re all clean from head to toe.

 

*note: while they’re drying off, take the opportunity to shave your legs.

 

Before heading to the pool, we concluded our backyard fun with the awesome Dunk Bucket. They said something about not wanting to do it, but damn it, do you know how long it took me to make that?!!! I’m filling it with snow this winter.

And at the end of the day, this awesomeness happened…

That’s right, sleeping across the couch at 5pm!

READ Camp Cheapo, Day 3

Free Advice Friday! You too can be a winner!

Guess where we are?

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We’re on the boardwalk, Baby, putting my horse racing skills to the test!

And did I kick ass again?  Well, you tell me…

BOOM!
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Please refrain from making fun of Ana’s bad haircut. I’ll bitch about that next week.

I was on fire, my friends!!! And I was reminded that there’s no better time to repost my advice about how to win the Horse Racing game than today! I’ll rehash our vacation later, but until I get back, enjoy this public service FAF (Free Advice Friday)…

 

 

Dear Kim,

I was hoping you could tell me your strategy for winning the horse racing game on the boardwalk. It seems like you dominate it. I’d like to know if you can give me some tips because I’m terrible and can’t seem to win at anything.

Thank you, Amanda in Sucksatgames, PA

Dear Amanda,

I assume you’re referring to my recent victories, here and here.

While some of my competitors would mistake my skill as raw, natural talent, the truth is, I work hard…damn hard. In the off season you’ll usually find me practicing at my state-of-the-art portable training facility. I dedicate no less than 25 hours a week to this sport (oh yeah, it’s a sport). Training is intense and involves mostly nights and weekends, as that’s when the kids are available. Do you have children Amanda?  What about kids in the neighborhood with minimal after school commitments? Find them, they are vital for your success.

When setting up your rolling range (that’s what we in the biz call it) you’ll need at least 3 kids, 3 solo cups, a tennis ball, racing numbers, and an old piece of plywood- that is, if you’re serious about doing what it takes to be a winner.

And by the way Amanda, kids these days are lazy.  Don’t let their cries of “mommy, my knees are hurting” to cut your practices short.  Trust me, if you sprinkled coins along the ground, I bet they’d stay down there all day.

I find if you pay the kids in candy versus money it’s a better deal for both you and their dentist.

Remember Amanda, nothing good happens without hard work. And there’s no “i” in team…but there is an “m” and an “e” so I don’t get the saying.

In any case, dedicate yourself and you too can bring home the cow…

I won! Go cry to your mother junior.

just don’t choose the stupid dog

See you at the races!
Kim

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