On Friday, I bought a bathing suit.

Hot, right?

It covers up my stretch marks, looks sexy, provides full coverage, and doesn’t fit.

That’s right, it doesn’t fit…yet.

You see, Brian and I are going to Mexico this Spring, and this is my healthy eating/mega exercise/sexy “goal” bathing suit, which is actually kinda ridiculous considering where I rank on the sexiness scale. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna look like someone shoved Hello Kitty into a Catwoman costume.

Friday afternoon, I learned that Ana’s class has been discussing future career choices.

Apparently, Ana told her teachers that when she grows up she wants to teach gymnastics…to CATS. When they told her that wasn’t possible, she came home, locked herself and the cat in her room, and set out to prove them wrong.

She gave the cat a “9” for form but only a “7” for landing. Ironic, considering cats always land on their feet.

On Saturday, we went to Collin’s first day of Spring flag football…only we were a day early. Here’s Brian walking back to the car all pissed because I got the day wrong.

To be fair, it’s not the first time I’ve done that. Or even the fourth.

Seeing how our morning schedule had opened up, we headed to the mall where we ate in the godforsaken food court. I HATE the food court with a passion! The chaos, the crowds, the crap food. HATE IT!

Ana loves it. Chaos, crowds, and crap food seem to be her “thang”.

Next, we went to Costco where I saw this awesomeness:

WOOHOO!

We live in a lake community, and every Spring I swear I’m going to buy one of these. Just look at those Oasis Island models, floating around, enjoying life, playing “I Never”, while some inattentive teenager watches their little model kids on shore. That’s the life for me!

Mark my words “THIS WILL BE MY YEAR!” I just have to go back to Costco without Brian; he doesn’t support my dream.

Saturday night was nice, but chilly. We put Ana to bed then lit a fire on our deck…our wooden deck…next to our wooden house with a wooden roof. I like to think of us as good people who make bad choices.

After about 5 minutes, Collin came out to join us, wearing only a t-shirt and pair of shorts. So I sent him back in to get his coat on. Ana, wide awake and listening, decided to come out too. After she finished bragging about remembering her coat, I sent her back in for pants.

On Sunday morning, we went to the gym and Brian & I did spinning. The lady next to him was hacking it up so Brian, ever the germaphobe, moved his bike waaay too close to me.

He spent the next 45 minutes pointing out every word that had even a hint of sexual innuendo – “push it” “increase your load” “harder, faster” “let’s do it”, you name it.

Next, we finally went to Collin’s flag football.

Upon approaching the field, I noticed there were barely any kids on the team. My heart sank…not for Collin, for me. As a Parasite Parent, a shortage of kids means fewer families sitting around the sidelines, lowering my chances of finding another set of parents with the right qualifications (pets, other kids, new games, etc) to entertain my kid for the whole horrible hour! Who the hell was going to be my Host Family? Shit, shit shit!

And then this happened:

And the angels sang.

Sunday afternoon, we sprinted to the movie theater to see the Muppets Most Wanted movie.

And when I say “sprinted”, I mean busted our asses to get there early! Brian was on us like a drill sergeant, all screaming in our faces like “Let’s go go go go! MOVE IT! THAT THEATER’S GOING TO BE PACKED! DO YOU WANT TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW, STRAINING YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR MUSCLES FATIGUE AND YOUR MOMMA HAS TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP? DO YOU, PRIVATE? DO YOU?”

This was the theater when we arrived:

Look at that crowd.

Brian and the kids LOVED the movie. Me…meh, I’d give it 2 Milk Duds.

How was your weekend?

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