It’s Bento Box Season, Bitches!

Well moms, school’s in full swing and you know what that means, it’s BENTO BOX SEASON! That’s right, right now your Pinterest feed is blowing up with this year’s most breathtaking and creative lunches, their step-by-step instructions reassuring you that all you need to pull off this piece de resistance is the artistic skills of Picasso, the kitchen utensils of Martha Stewart, and the ability of a Whole Foods purchasing agent to secure a steady source of edible modeling clay. No biggie.

Last year, as you may remember, I was introduced to the Bento Box craze when my darling Ana came hightailing it off the bus wondering why her sandwich was two squares of whole wheat, while little Hayden’s was shaped into snowdrifts as part of a lunchboxscape her mom designed based on the movie Frozen. Holy shit. What?

I googled the trend. Then my brain shut down from overload.

“Ana, when I can check ‘Get a Shower‘ off my to-do list with any type of regularity…” throwing baby powder in my hair to soak up the grease, “…that’s when I’ll make an Elsa out of Japanese Nori noodles. At this point, I’m thinking college.”

Later that night, guilt ridden by the lack of specialness my little snowflake felt, but still being me (lazy), I came up with the perfect solution for our family:

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.

Step 2: Arrange money and tape down

Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw a special message.

It’s as easy as that!

Today, I’d like to share with you some of my new designs for the 2015-2016 school year.

This was a First Day favorite…

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

A little hygiene reminder is always a good idea.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Don’t be a sucker!

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Did you know 9 out of 10 junkies said glue was their gateway drug?

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

…or maybe it was heroin?

Just in case.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Asking the tough questions isn’t always easy…

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

…but saying “I Love You” is.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

You can gather more lazy lunch inspiration from our 2014-2015 school year HERE or visit the “I Ain’t Got Time For That, Here’s Some Lunch Money” Bento Box Pinterest Board.

And please leave a tip or comment sharing  any of your ideas with me, for I am just one lazy motha, but with many lazy mothas, imagine all the things we can avoid accomplishing together!

Exhausted Mothers everywhere, here’s my answer to the horrible Bento Box Fad!

Well, it finally happened, the thing I’ve been dreading…yesterday, my precious daughter rolled off the school bus bitching and moaning about the lack of artistic effort that I’ve been putting into her packed lunches. My first thought, “Oh shit, has she been on Pinterest?” My second thought, “We need to update our parental controls to include Pinterest.”

But no, it seems that some better-than-me mother (who, I guarantee, does have a Pinterest account) has been sending her daughter to school everyday with a lunchbox full of “love” in the form of Disney inspired entrees and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom carrots. And Ana has taken notice. Thanks a lot, lady. Thanks. A. Lot.

According to my daughter, Wednesday’s lunchtime was spent watching little Hayden nibble on Elsa’s certified organic noodle braid, while Ana despondently ate from a zip-lock bag filled with pretzels and an enormous amount of apathy. Her tale of woe was really quite heartbreaking. So, like any guilt-ridden mother, I decided to give this stupid Bento Lunch thing a try.

I promised Ana an Olaf lunch, but when I read the first three ingredients: Japanese Nori noodles, purple seaweed, edible modeling clay, I was all, “Oh heeeellll no!” Packing a lunch should not require me to source food from various specialty shops and craft stores. I haven’t shaved in four days and THAT needs to happen before I start driving around town seeking out cuisine for my 5 year old to throw out.

How’s that Meat Loaf song go?

“I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. Nooooo, I won’t. do. thaaaat.”

But I promised her an Olaf lunch, so it was on to Plan B. Unfortunately, I had no Plan B…at least not until I drank a couple glasses of 2009 Cabernet from the Napa region- that always loosens up my wheels.

And so, exhausted, not-so-perfect mothers everywhere, I’d like to present my “Damn you, Hayden’s mom!” answer to this crazy, expensive, and time consuming lunch fad:

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.

Step 2: Arrange money and tape down

Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw the rest.

Olaf says…don’t “flake” on your test!

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox

 

Screw making little broccoli trees with an “I love you!” tediously carved into their stalks with an X-Acto knife while freebasing your blood pressure pills and trying to remember your insurance provider’s Mental Health co-pay. No thank you. Besides, unlike a scene from The Lion King made out of graham crackers and Russian caviar, my “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Boxes provide the perfect canvas for real communication between you and your child:

 

Confronting potty issues:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox  www.OneClassyMotha.com

Offering friendship advice:

 

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox- www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Calling them out:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

I realize the “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box still requires a minimum amount of effort on your part, which is something I’m normally against, but just think of the look on your child’s face when they open their lunch box and see something like this:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Arachnophobia, cured. “Thanks, mom!”

Ladies, even if your child doesn’t buy lunch, I’m here on my linoleum floor, begging you to step away from the melon baller and to embrace the beautiful quadrilateral simplicity of a square cheese sandwich. After all, you don’t need to win the “MOM OF THE YEAR” title because, as far as your child is concerned, you already have it.

Please send me your “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box pictures so I can pin them to my Pinterest “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box idea board!

Craigslist: Absurd Inspiration (my favorite kind)

I don’t know about you, but now that my kids are back in school, I finally have some time to focus on my favorite hobby, Craigslisting.

As a creative writer with a flair for the ridiculous (recent feedback includes: “There’s something seriously wrong with you.” & “Maybe it’s time to up your meds?”), I often find inspiration while drinking coffee/wine in my king sized bed and reading some of the crazy ass things people post on Craigslist. I can’t help it, I just love it! They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me say, “Whaaat…the…hell? BRIAN! BRIAN! GET IN HERE, YOU GOTTA READ THIS ONE!”

To see some of my favorite ads, click here.  It’ll pop you over to the VERY clever Something Clever 2.0  where I’m blogsitting from my bed while the fabulous & funny Jenn is in NY consciously avoiding muggers.

 

 

 

 You likey?  Then could you please hit my banner?  That sounded creepy, didn’t it? sorry.

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

First Day of Preschool! Free At Last! (for 3 hrs)

First Day, no jitters.

Today was Ana’s first day of preschool and we were both so excited we peed our pants, twice. Don’t worry, we were wearing princess pull-ups. The whole 1/2 mile ride to school she kept saying “Are we there yet? This is taking forever!” I had to agree, the ride was excruciatingly long. But to help pass the time I made a mental list of all the things I can do between the hours of 9am and 12pm, without a 3yr old.

The list was something like this:
1. Get a mani/pedi

2. Pity other mothers battling with small children.

3. Sit and shit in silence (I’d take either really)

4. Concentrate on anything

5.Get a pap smear

6. Get a 30 min shower (because I can, not because I’m that dirty)

7. Watch Jerry Springer (is that still on?)

8. Walk past toy aisles

9. Not be referred to as “Poopy Stinkybutt” or “Pooper Buttstink” in public (her new nicknames for me)

10. Curse out loud and often

11. Not be someone’s bitch

12. Not have to use this god awful impossible-to-maneuver grocery cart.

The bane of my existence.

13. Write without having to stop and tell someone to put their clothes back on.

When we got there, she ran inside and barely gave me a second glance. Most mothers would have been hurt but I was just fine. She’s confident and she apparently has her own mental list of things she can do without me between the hours of 9am and 12pm.  I don’t blame her, I can be a drag with all of the “let the cat out of the cabinet” and “get your finger out of your butt” demands.
The first thing I did, which I didn’t want to do, was exercise at the gym. Normally I would have headed to the nail salon but I really need to work off those summer margaritas and nachos. However, I had big plans for after my class. Big, big plans. (I was going to wander around Marshall’s)

As I was leaving the gym, I stopped in the bathroom. And, ugh. I unexpectedly got my Aunt Flo. Frantically searching my purse, I thought I saw a tampon- turns out it was a cheese stick. Right shape, wrong absorbency. So I had to go all the way back home.  Once I got home I decided to eat an omelette for breakfast and chocolate chips for an after breakfast dessert. Yes, I worked out then I ate like a pig, because a day without self sabotage is…well,somebody else’s day.
There’s always tomorrow.

If you liked this then you’ll really appreciate these parenting tips!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: