پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

One Classy Holiday Letter, 2017!

Happy Holidays! It’s December, and I bet you’re thinking to yourself “Wow, this year really flew by!” Yeah, not so much for me. Turns out getting a puppy in the cold darkness of January and sleeping only 4 hours a night until June-ish, makes for a pretty drawn out 2017.

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But things are good now. Allie Oop is 14 months old and such a sweetie! Whenever someone says ‘I want a puppy’, I no longer run away screaming, “NOOO, DON’T DO IT! ENJOY YOUR LIFE!”  Now I just run away.

In February, we found a sitter for the dog and actually ventured out of the house to eat at Fogo de Chao in Philly and to take in a show.

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I couldn’t tell you the name or theme of the show, but I can tell you that Fogo de Chao’s all-you-can-eat salad bar has a wheel of aged Parmesan the size of an end table! And they let you shave as much off as you want! No Off-Broadway production has ever moved our family to tears quite like that hunk of cheese did.

We tried going outdoors in March, but the weather wasn’t ready yet.

In April, we went to an all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana for Spring Break. Before leaving, I read that the resort was known for high pressure timeshare tactics and that we should avoid the sales people with their promise of spa services in exchange for listening to a pitch. I wasn’t concerned because the Sweds would never fall for that! Yet, just twenty-four hours after landing, there we were, holding two FREE FACIAL vouchers and proud members of a Holiday Vacation Club. Coincidentally, Ana turned 9 that week, so we handed her the contract and said “Happy Birthday!” since we could no longer afford a gift.

View from the negotiation tactics room.

View from the negotiation tactics room.

Day 2 of that trip had us in a “what have we done?” stupor. Day 3 was googling HOW TO GET OUT OF A TIMESHARE and learning all about International Consumer Law. On Day 4, suffering from regret and sleep deprivation, I returned to the cattle room filled with other suckers and demanded a refund. I was quickly rushed into a small, dimly lit backroom where I engaged in some broken Spanish Federal Law smack talk. It was intense, and at times I wondered if my dead body would float or sink when they threw it in the ocean. But to my surprise, 45 long minutes later we were refunded our full purchase price and I was set free. Days 5 & 6 were used for drinking and reflecting. Day 7 we decided to buy a beach house and never leave the country again.

May was all about looking for a beach house on Realtor.com and cheering on the return of warm weather.

In June, Brian was awarded a work incentive trip for 2 to an all-inclusive resort in…wait for it…PUNTA CANA. I smiled when he told me, but I wanted to cry. What if we bought another timeshare? Worse yet, what if I agreed to be someone’s drug mule, swallowing balloons of cocaine for a free French Manicure and eyebrow wax? In light of our previous trip, this was now plausible. But free is free, and so we went. Thankfully, we only made eye contact with the bartenders and we had a great time!

That month, we also took Collin to his first real concert to see U2!!! Brian purchased General Admission tickets so we could get as close to the stage as possible. Collin loved it! But he requested that next time we buy seated tickets, allowing him to relax with his snacks. Kids these days…

In July, we bought the perfect beach house for our family. As ‘cold weather intolerant’ people, better suited for living on the equator than in the Mid-Atlantic, we’re forced to pack in all outdoor activities between June and Mid-October. And that’s what we did this summer. Lots of crabbing, swimming, kayaking, and walking. And, oh the bike trails! Compared to hilly Pennsylvania, the flat biking trails of the Delaware shore are a dream. In fact, we felt safe enough to take the training wheels off Ana’s toddler-sized bike, and it turns out she can ride. Probably could for YEARS. “Look ma, no hands!”

The beginning of August was spent drinking fresh-squeezed margaritas on the beach at dusk while watching Collin skim board and Ana dig deep holes up to her neck. But then I read several horror stories about sand collapsing in on people, so by the end of August she was relegated to digging a thousand shallow holes up to her ankles. Not as much fun, but safer and takes just as long.

Digging to China

"Remember the time mom let us almost die?!" - My kids 20 years from now.

“Remember the time mom let us almost die?!” – My kids, 20 years from now.

In September, Ana started travel soccer and Collin began his second year of middle school football. And just like that, our lives became hectic again.  Fun, but hectic. It was this month that we also had to put down our old 3-legged dog, Buddy. I’ll admit, Buddy wasn’t the best family dog. He was a grumpy canine who had little interest in anyone that wasn’t ‘Kim’. But I miss the little guy. And when I’m feeling particularly sad, I like to keep his memory alive by re-telling stories about the time he bit everyone in the family except for me.

I miss you Buddy! ...no one else does, so you were right to bite them.

I miss you Buddy! …no one else does, so you were right to bite them.

In October, Collin turned 14, Allie Oop turned 1, and we took a trip to Florida. It was the first time the kids flew Southwest Airlines and Ana is still raving about it. Not only did the flight attendant make balloon animals but, as Ana said holding up the barf bag printed with the words FOLD DOWN TWICE AND SECURE WITH TWIST TIE, “They even have crafts!”.

Art is everywhere you look!

Art is everywhere you look!

That week was spent visiting family and trekking around Disney World. We also attempted to go to Universal Studios but only got as far as buying the tickets. Can you believe our credit card was charged $759 for 4 one-day passes!?!? It cost SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE DOLLARS! We walked in shock from the ticket booth to the ticket taker, stopping just 5 feet from his outstretched hand. Here was our crossroads. Brian and I stood motionless, staring at each other with pained expressions, both wondering how to justify this expense. And when Ana announced that she would NOT be going on any rides because “they’re scary”, I ran over to the customer service desk and began refund negotiations despite the “no refunds” sign. It was Punta Cana all over again. And like Punta Cana, we thankfully got our money back.

After I got our money back, I made them take a picture at the entrance anyway. They were not happy.

After I got our money back, I made them take a picture at the entrance anyway.  Technically, we were there. They were not happy.

With our beach trips officially over in November, Brian and I resumed our weekend date nights, which meant eating without children at every good BYOB in the area. Collin is finally old enough to babysit Ana at night, and they’re both more than happy to gorge on delivery pizza from Friday-Sunday. Life is good.

So far December has been spent minimizing our outdoor exposure and watching reruns of Caribbean Life on HGTV. Pretty unproductive. However, Allie’s been very busy. So far, she’s chewed up 5 harnesses, 4 Comcast remote controls, and finished off the couch that Mr. Bojangles started when he was alive. So, if you come to visit you might want to bring a folding chair.

We have managed to make a couple trips back to the beach this month. In fact, the family picture on our holiday card is from this year’s Bethany Beach Christmas Tree lighting. We took several ok pics in front of the tree, then we each voted on which one to use.  Ana lost.

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For Christmas this year:

Ana wants either a chinchilla, a bearded dragon, or a chameleon (no, no, and no). And she wants you to put our card straight into your trashcan.

Collin wants an iPhone X (good luck, kid), sneakers, and Call of Duty (shh, I got him the next best thing, Call of DOODIE.)

I can't wait to make it ring as he's opening it. Hahaha! Maybe I really am the worst mother ever.

I can’t wait to make it ring as he’s opening it. Hahaha!
Maybe I really am the worst mother ever.

Brian wants nothing but love and devotion from his family…because “things cost money”

I want someone else to wrap the gifts.

Allie Oop wants a refill on couch pillows, she’s almost out.

Roxy the cat…well she’s still peeing outside the litter box, so not being at an animal shelter is her gift.

As this year is coming to a close, we want to say thank you for being a part of our lives. Whether near or far, yesterday or yesteryear, you are always in our hearts. May your 2018 be filled with an abundance of love, laughter, health, and happiness.

Love,

Brian, Kim, Collin, and Ana

Weekend in Crappy Pics (Disney World – Part 4)

The Weekend in Crappy Pics - Disney 2014, family vacation is not always a fairy tale.

Ok, so I HAVE to do this Disney vacation wrap-up. No, really, because this blog is the only record my family will ever have of this trip…or of anything we ever do. How screwed up is that?

In 20 years:

Collin’s kids: Dad, where are all the pictures from when you were little?

Collin: Well, let me just pull up your grandmother’s blog…

Maybe I should create scrapbooks, you know, like a normal mother? Or maybe stop sewing felt vaginas?

But I digress…

Day 5 – Epcot

All you need to know about Epcot is that their World Showcase is not real. I mean, I know it’s not real real, but as it turns out, the products they sell ARE NOT EVEN FROM THE COUNTRY YOU’RE IN!

For example, the kids loved playing with the instruments displayed in Africa, so I thought to myself, “Candy Ass, you should buy the darlings a tambourine so you’ll have something valuable to take away when they start acting up.” (TIP: Always be prepared to deprive them, otherwise, they hold the upper hand.) 

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So I picked up the African tambourine and…

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HECHO EN MEXICO?

HECHO EN MEXICO?  

So let me get this straight, we visit Africa, in America, to buy a tambourine made in Mexico? UGGGHH. I wanted nothing more than to push that Mexican musical cart right through boring Norway and into the base of the Mayan temple!  …and then buy another margarita, seeing as I was back in Mexico. But I didn’t, so it was on to Japan…

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 Yup- Japan gifts, made in China.

Oh well, at least I knew the shit in China would be real. And it’s not like you can find “Made in China” products just anywhere, so there’s that.

 

Day 6 – Disney Quest

Ah, Disney “The 5 story video game place that we get into for free with our park tickets and our kids would have been happier just to stay here all 6 days” Quest.

Because our family is extremely competitive and hates to lose, we spent most of our time playing in KidQuest, the gaming zone designed for children ages 2-7.

Here’s Brian kicking a tiny game’s ass as a group of preschoolers form around him, some in awe, others crying, one offers to buy the next round of juice boxes:

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Sure, setting the high score in the kiddie area might be a boost to our self esteem, but it’s entering the winning initials “A.S.S.” that we truly live for.

 

After Leaving Disney Quest, we walked over to the Lego store…

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where Ana played until the kid in the black jacket sneezed into the Lego bowl then fished around for his cough drop.

 

After generously coating everyone with hand sanitizer, we headed to a nearby Irish restaurant for dinner.

Much to our delight, they had dance performers throughout the meal and, at one point, they invited children to come up.

Here’s Ana performing:

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I had two chocolate martinis made with Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Martini #1 – “Look at her, she’s a natural!”

Martini #2 – “You know, I’m signing her up for Irish dance lessons the moment we get home because she really seems to enjoy it, you know? I bet she could get a scholarship, you know?”

Day 7 – Heading Home

During our trip, the stroller we’ve had since Collin was a baby, broke. I wanted to cry.

I know it sounds stupid, but I felt horrible knowing I’d have to leave it behind. This wonderful apparatus, this, this, godsend, this beautiful stroller, it restrained my children for many years, allowing me to do some really special things, things like peeing in public stalls, trying on clothes in handicap dressing rooms, and walking through various mall parking lots wondering where the hell my car was.

So it was with tremendous grief that I carried the stroller into the rental unit’s garage and, amid the screams of “MOM WHERE ARE YOUUUU?”, said my final goodbyes.

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And then I put it down.

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If I’m honest with myself, Stroller had been struggling for years. It really was the most humane thing to do.

Farewell, good friend, farewell.

 

The Airport

Apparently, airport security does this new thing where they ask your kid who you are to them, and you have to stand there with your mouth shut hoping they’ll say “My mom” and not “She must be my kidnapper because my real mother would have bought me that Mickey Mouse pin from the gift shop”.

But either way, this security measure is truly unfortunate for us, as Ana tends to clam up when put on the spot.

After she met his third request of “Who is this lady?” with yet another shrug and blank stare, I began to panic. My mouth smiled at her like ‘aren’t you being super silly’ but my eyes, my eyes screamed, ‘SAY MOTHER! SAAAY MOOOTHERRR! SAY IT!’ In that moment, I realized that there’s a fine line between trying to get your kid to claim you and looking like a child trafficker coercing your abductee to lie, and I was walking it.

Finally, “She’s my mom?”

A question? She phrases it in the form of a question?!?! Oh, Jesus, I’m going to the big house.

I guess sick of us wasting his time, the security officer decided that was good enough and let us go. No cavity search required.

And as we were about to board the plane, the last thing I heard on our vacation was this announcement,  “Attention  passengers, we are paging Joe Momma…paging Joe Momma. Would Joe Momma please come to the courtesy desk?”  HAHAHAHA, that’s a classic!

 

 

 

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If you’re bored, go back and read Disney, Part 1 here

Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney World!

Hey there! How was your weekend? Well, we did NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, which I didn’t think was possible- yet here I am, unshowered and in the same yoga pants that I wore to bed Friday night. A true & shameful testament to laziness. But we just got back from a 5 day Disney World vacation, which is the equivalent of walking around the globe 3 times, so can you really blame me?

Instead of sharing my weekend in crappy pics (which would be me sitting on the couch eating nachos), I’m going to share some pics from our trip. But before you poke your eyes out, I’m not sharing “Happiest Place on Earth” park pics, you can go on www.disney.com for that. No, these are a little less than glamorous.

Week in Crappy Pics

When we checked in at the airport, Brian surprised me with a first class ticket…for just me! He was going to be sitting with the kids in our usual “Shitter Row” (last row next to the bathrooms) while I received first class attention.

Hooray! I was so happy!

And then I boarded the plane…

I could tell by his screaming, thrashing, and continuous back arching, little Oliver was not a fan of plane travel…or life. Luckily, wine is complementary in first class and my “I’m going to need a bigger glass.” was met with both sympathy and understanding by the flight attendant.

While drinking my second glass (we still hadn’t left the gate) and making small talk with Oliver’s mother (who struggled to contain him), I thought, “This isn’t so bad” and then I was proven wrong…

DAMN IT, OLIVER!

Wine everywhere, even on the baby. That kid smelled like liquor and rotten soy milk (he’s allergic to dairy), not a pleasant combination.

After rolling around the wet floor and saturating his pants with chardonnay and possibly urine, he climbed into my lap and sucked on the handmade designer pendent hanging around my neck.

But by then I was on my third glass, so I didn’t mind.

Our First Day – Magic Kingdom

She was so excited!

But the moment we entered the park something pissed her off. Maybe the heat? a hangnail? my breathing? Who knows.

Me – “Cheer up. Aren’t you excited to see Mickey Mouse?”

Ana – “No! I DON’T LIKE Mickey Mouse! And I HATE Disney World!”

I heard a sudden and collective gasp from the crowd- this was blasphemy!

Mothers rushed to cover their children’s ears, babies started crying, and men wearing fanny packs shook with newly discovered testosterone.

I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed her and ran. I ran fast and far from the Disney zealots until we reached a watering hole, then I stuck her in it to literally and figuratively cool off. Cinderella dress and all.

I’m pretty sure this was a Disney baptism in disguise because her demons were gone when we dried her off.

Day 2 – Epcot

We met up with my Aunt and cousins to enjoy Epcot’s Food & Wine Festival. Did you really think this trip was all about the kids? hahahaha

Being a responsible adult, I didn’t want to drink and drive Ana’s stroller so I had Collin push her around.

And she made him her stroller beotch!

Day 3 – Typhoon Lagoon Water Park

Yeah…no pics here. But trust me when I tell you that we (except Brian) snorkeled with Leopard Sharks, Sting Rays, and various fish. Ana was all about it, Collin needed a little convincing though:

Collin: So what’s in there?

Me: Leopard sharks and sting rays. It’s totally safe.

Collin: Oh, ok.

Collin: Wait a second…how did that Steve Irwin guy die again?

Me: Um…oh look, there’s Donald Duck!

Day 4 – Animal Kingdom

Animal Kingdom was great! But the real highlight was this:

The cops pulling us over on our way home.

Brian: Oh, great. I think they got me speeding

Kim: Nah, it was the red light you ran.

Brian: It could have been the illegal u-turn.

The policeman walked up:
Police Officer: I stopped you because your taillights aren’t working

He ended up giving us a warning because it was a rental car and we didn’t know how to use the headlights, and we were clearly clueless idiots.

But the best part of the whole thing was watching Brian’s parents slowly passing us by in their car, his dad shaking his head and his mom’s face pressed against the window, worried that her little boy was going to the slammer.

Day 5 – Hollywood Studios

Collin conquered a few rides that he refused to ride last time we were here.

And Ana was ecstatic to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse live as it featured all of her favorites, Sophia, Doc McStuffins, and Jake & the Neverland Pirates.

It was wonderful to see all the children clapping and dancing to the opening song. But then they announced technical difficulties and parents began quietly shitting their pants.

Thankfully, it was back up and running in less than 3 minutes. If it had lasted any longer, I’m convinced the kids would have stormed the stage.

Departure

We were sad to leave but, at the same time, we couldn’t walk one more mile, ride one more ride, or apply anymore Gold Bond medicated powder (we were all out).

How was our flight home? Well, no first class ticket for me BUT I was thrilled that we weren’t stuck in shitter row again! Our seats were actually located in the middle of the plane this time. What a nice change 🙂

Then I sat in my seat…

My “middle of the plane” seat was next to the “middle of the plane” toilet. Are your kidding me?! Here’s my view:

Remember this: there’s only one thing worse than Shitter Row, and that’s…Shitter Alley.

How was your weekend?

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Have you read about the worst Halloween costume ever? No? Then you gotta head over to The Shitastrophy! She’s absolutely nuts!

 

Tips for Tuesday! Try it before you buy it!

Today marks the first day of our family’s stay-cation! We’ve never actually taken a “vacation” where you drive around your house looking for interesting things to do. All of our car trips usually land us in the Costco parking lot, so I’m not sure if I’m capable of planning this right. Here’s what I have so far:

Day 1: Car shopping for Brian.

Day 2: We’ll strip the kids of all electronics, watch the detox set in, then send them on an 8 hr. tour of a working Amish farm.

Day 3: Visit local pet shops instead of the zoo because the zoo is too far and I have an eyelash extension appointment at 6:30 pm.

Day 4: Hershey Park. We’ll eat our weight in chocolate then blissfully throw it up on various rides.

Day 5: Pitch a tent and camp in our yard…specifically in the part of our yard occupied by the family room. And by “tent” I mean pillow fort.

Day 6: Clean up the yard day. This is where they can really show off some of those awesome agricultural skills they learned on Day 2!

 

I’m still finalizing our matching stay-cation outfits which are totally necessary, they make it easier to find one another in a crowd, like at the car dealership’s “Fall Back Into Savings” sale event.

As Brian and I were preparing for Day 1 (car shopping), my “Try It Before You Buy It” tip came to mind. So today, I’m re-sharing it with you! Oh, and please leave me some stay-cation ideas of your own as we don’t have Day 7 planned yet. Trust me, my kids would be ever so grateful.

 

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I’m a firm believer of the old adage “try it before you buy it”, and I don’t care what it is. Ice cream shop, ask for a spoon. A wine bar, ask for a sip. A book store, read a chapter while sitting in their bathroom stall. A restaurant,…well, you can’t really ask the chef to prepare a bite for you (that would be weird), but what you can do is look around the restaurant for someone eating what you’re thinking of ordering, and ask for a taste. However, DO NOT take more than 1 bite, people get all possessive about their food.

Yesterday, I decided to head out to research some of our upcoming household purchases. We’re currently in need of a stainless steel refrigerator, some outdoor furniture, and a new toilet for the upstairs bathroom. By the way, Brian won’t agree with any of this. His motto is: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, learn to live without it.

So I bribed Ana with the promise of purchasing a “cooperation” toy, and we drove out toward Lowes. On our way there, I called Dominoes and ordered a pizza for delivery.

Pizza Guy: Your address?

Me: Lowes, the Outdoor Living department. Second table on your left.

That’s right, I ordered a pizza. Why, you ask? Because we love to spend our summer evenings eating outdoors, I rarely cook, and TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

Ana and I both loved the look and feel of the tiles, however, I found that the uneven surface made my wine glass wobble a little bit, making me extremely uncomfortable. Granted, the customers gawking at us didn’t help. I bet this is how celebrities feel when they’re eating out.

After lunch we walked over to the appliance section to see if the leftover pizza and wine would fit in the stainless steel refrigerator that I had my eye on.

Damn it, the wine won’t fit. I guess it’s not meant to be GE.

 

HOLY SHIT! A dedicated wine holder! Wrap it up!

 

After eating and storing our food (and my wine) in our new fridge, it was time to check out the toilets.

Ana says “Urine for a real treat with this toilet seat! It’s Craptastic!”

 

It took her 5 toilets before she finally settled on this one- So remember, TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

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