Remember my list of the “things I can do while my daughter is in morning preschool“? Well, I haven’t accomplished any of them, none, nada, zero, not even #3! My schedule goes like this, after I drop her off I go to the gym and after that I only have time to run one lackluster errand before it’s time to turn around and pick her up.

So yesterday I decided I was going to wake up at 5:30 A freakin M and go workout thereby giving me my 3 well-deserved hours back. When the alarm went off I opened one eye and saw it was still dark. This can’t be right.  Of course I hit snooze and went back to sleep. Who doesn’t? The next time the alarm went off I dreamt that the mysterious banker from Deal or No Deal offered me $30,000 if I agreed to turn off the alarm, stay in bed, and not go to the gym. I took the deal. And every time my snooze alarm resounded he would up the offer.  It was up to $125,000 when I realized what was happening, my own subconscious was turning against me and trying to sabotage my efforts. She plays dirty. So I sat up, slapped my alarm, and said,”No Deal, Bitch!”

By the time I finally got out of bed I knew I was too late for spin class but I was determined to get some kind of workout in. I would reclaim those 3 preschool hours for myself, oh I would!

The gym was surprisingly crowded- who are these people? Apparently there’s this whole subculture of people that go to the gym in the morning…when it’s still dark. I had this “parallel universe” feeling that I can’t explain. I scouted out an elliptical and started to set up.

I put my iPod up in the holder and reached into my bag to grab my water bottle, only it wasn’t my water bottle I pulled out, it was my perfume- CanCan by Paris Hilton. And before you  judge me on my perfume choice, I have to defend it by saying that it smells really good, like sexy cotton candy good.  If you liked going to carnivals as a kid or if funnel cakes make you horny, I think you’ll like this.

Now if you’ll remember, last week I searched my Mary Poppins purse for a tampon and found a cheese stick instead. So having my perfume bottle but forgetting a water bottle was like, WTF? What the hell is wrong with me and my organizational skills?  When I start trying to pay for things with drink coasters, just lock me up.  Of course I looked in my purse and I had no money for the vending machine and the cafe was closed. Oh, and I had forgotten my towel. I WILL workout, I WILL!

However, given my lack of preparation, it became obvious that I would need to modify my activity level. It was obvious, right? So I spritzed myself with some perfume, got on the elliptical, and put the Black Eyed Peas on my iPod. Unfortunately, after 5 minutes I had to switch to Barbra Streisand  because I was working up too much of a sweat (remember,towel-less). So I exerted minimum effort for about 40 mins (while weeping and moving to “Papa can you hear me…”) until my lips cracked from dehydration. Afterwards, I wandered over to the cafe (fyi- it opens at 7am) and charged a very large coffee to my account, because nothing is healthier than a large caffeinated beverage after a dehydrating workout.

I came home, drank my coffee in silence (everyone was still sleeping), then made breakfast for the kids. Lovely! Then I realized that Collin was starting violin lessons that afternoon at school and we didn’t have a violin for him to play. Yup, forgot to rent one. ugh.

After everyone went to school nothing went as planned (and by “as planned”, I mean my plans to have no plans). Luckily, I was able to locate a violin to rent at a nearby music store. They set it aside for me and I rushed right down to pick it up. I had a violin in one hand and a music stand in the other when trying to leave the store,  I had to do that awkward exit where you turn around and push the door open with your butt. I turned around, made a very witty comment to the teen behind the counter, and pushed the door with my butt, it didn’t budge. So I stood there facing the kid, laughing at my own joke, and repeatedly smacking the door with my ass…over and over again.  He kept saying something because his lips were moving but I couldn’t hear him over my laughter (my comment really was genius). Finally I quieted down in confusion and I heard, “Ma’am, that door is locked”, “Ma’am, use the other door”, “Ma’am, it’s still locked”. Basically, I looked like a real unfunny asshole holding a violin.

Next I had to go to the grocery store, which thankfully did not leave me embarrassed.  Then I dropped Collin’s violin off at the school office. After all that BS it was time to pick Ana up at preschool. Damn it!  All that effort to wake up at 5:30 A freakin M and I still wasn’t able to accomplish #3 on my list!