https://www.oneclassymotha.com/

I returned to the gym today

As I approached the check-in desk

My gym has this neat little check in system, when you scan your key tag and it’s your birthday it’ll play happy birthday. I thought this was a cool feature until I returned to the gym after months of lazy gluttony. Fear that it would play () an intervention.

Now as I stood there, ready to check in, I panicked. Would my key card set off not the Happy Birthday Song that I found festive or would it play something along the lines of “Baby got back”?

On the bike, I could feel my body rebel “I thought we agreed to just eat nachos and not do this shit anymore” “you wat to increase your heartrate bitch, you got it!”

Yoga, pigeon pose. I thought she said pigeon toes which really upset me bc I had to wear braces as a child to correct my inwardly pointing feet. Unfortunately, they were left on too long and I now walk like a duck.

Drove to the health food store, purchased detox tea, local raw honey, organic rainbow carrots, and radishes. I’m still not sure why I bought radishes.

Before the shower, I decided to weigh myself. Usually this ritual is only preformed, first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, after a bowel movement, when the moon is aligned with earth in such a way to reduce the gravitational effects.

On Friday, my children

hair salon

“Why are we here? I don’t want to go here! I like the other place better!”

“No you don’t. This is where we came last time and you loved your hair.”

“NOOO, I liked the way the lady at Great Clips did it.”

“NOOO, the lady at Great Clips screwed it up and we came here to get it fixed. Remember the “Mushroom Head” incident?”

Mushroom Head. Ah yes, that struck a nerve, the memory sent shivers through his body.

brian’s text

Pick up eyeglasses

I can’t see that well, it’s like everything is wobbly. Not wanting to spend my whole day at the optometrist. Let’s give a week, if you’re still running into poles we’ll come back.

Yogurt place.

self-serve, dealing with my kids, I dispense the yogurt, I put on the toppings, I beg my children to make decisions while they breath over 100 toppings, I put on the hot fudge from a sticky container while getting it all over my sleeves, I put it on the scale, I grab the spoons & napkins, I place everything on the scale, I hand the guy my credit card, then HE hands me back my card and gestures to HIS tip jar. HAHAHAHA! Here’s a tip buddy.

Pet store

Ana wants a mouse. And I sound like Jack Nicholson ” you cant handle a mouse”. After inspecting, researching, and holding several rodents, we narrow it down to the Chinese Drawf Hamster, the lazy, don’t give a of the hamster world. Which I find ironic considering how industrious the chinese are.

https://www.oneclassymotha.com/2026/04/15/11599/

Starting diet – cutting back on alcohol. I’m told by the neighbors that the recycle guy thinks I’m away in rehab

I stood in the gym lobby trying to muster up the courage to check-in after 6 looong, fattening months of exercise avoidance and consistent carb consumption.

Slowly approaching the front desk, mostly because the extra 10 pounds in my ass had reduced the speed at which I move,

Up until this point, I always loved the little “Happy Birthday” song the computer played whenever a member’s key card was scanned on their birthday. It’s like some invisible gym entity was cheering,”Welcome back, Friend! Look at you working hard on your birthday! YOU LOOK MARVELOUS!” But now, as I held out my bar code with shaky hands, now I wondered if that electronic son-of-a-bitch was capable of other songs.

Fully expecting to hear crude acoustical version of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A Lot, I

*BEEP*

Nothing. Well, nothing except a “Don’t I know you?” look by the desk guy. I’ll take it.

“Bike to Mat would be a great class to ease your way back in.” my friends said.

“A half hour of spinning and a half hour of hot yoga. How hard can that be?” they said.

And here’s what the instructor said,”OK, LISTEN UP PEOPLE! WE ONLY HAVE A HALF HOUR TO SPIN WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO WORK EXTRA HARD TO PACK A 50 MINUTE WORKOUT INTO 30 MINUTES! LET’S GO!” …or Maybe those werent her exact words, but that’s what I took away from it.

On the bike, I could feel my body rebel “I thought we agreed to just eat nachos and not do this shit anymore” “you wat to increase your heartrate bitch, you got it!”

Yoga, pigeon pose. I thought she said pigeon toes which really upset me bc I had to wear braces as a child to correct my inwardly pointing feet. Unfortunately, they were left on too long and I now walk like a duck.

Drove to the health food store, purchased detox tea, local raw honey, organic rainbow carrots, and radishes. I’m still not sure why I bought radishes.

Before the shower, I decided to weigh myself. Usually this ritual is only preformed, first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, after a bowel movement, when the moon is aligned with earth in such a way to reduce the gravitational effects.

https://www.oneclassymotha.com/2026/04/15/11593/

Look at it, all cloudy with urine.