پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

One Classy Holiday Letter 2018

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Happy Holidays!!! I can’t believe another year has flown by! 

In an attempt to justify having two mortgages, we spent last New Year’s Eve at our beach house in front of a fire, hunkered down under too many blankets, and proceeded to eat copious amounts of food while sporting leisure wear with elastic waistbands. We didn’t know it then, but the gluttony of that evening would set the tone for the rest of the year. I can only hope next year’s holiday letter starts off with our family’s favorite Paleo recipe and our cult-like obsession with CrossFit.

February was exactly like January, only colder. And despite knowing it would spell certain doom for our planet, we spent every day collectively yearning for an acceleration to global warming. Ideally, we’d like to feel like we’re in Florida without actually moving to Florida.

In March, Brian was awarded a work incentive trip to Hawaii!!! We unbundled the children and told them the good news, “Kids, you’re going to see the sun again!” After a grueling 13-hour flight (I’ve had babies in less time), we spent a week driving around the entire Big Island of Hawaii. And let me tell you this, Hawaii is beautiful but deadly. On our drive we encountered several signs: Danger! Falling Rocks, Heavy Fog for the Next 8 Miles (and yes, we couldn’t see for 8 miles), Banana Virus Quarantine (OMG. Had we eaten bananas?), Slippery Rocks. Climb At Your Own Risk. People Have DIED, and my favorite, a sign on the public beach that read, “WARNING! Former Military Training Area. Unexploded Grenades May Be Present”. Needless to say, we did not encourage the kids to dig for sand crabs.
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By the time we arrived at Volcanoes National Park to see Hawaii’s Kilauea Volcano, Ana was so traumatized that she refused to get out of the car. She had to be pulled from the vehicle yelling, “It’s going to explode!!!!”  We told her to stop being so dramatic.

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It exploded 49 days later.  

According to the Smithsonian:

The eruption has forced the evacuation of thousands of people, and 700 homes have been destroyed by lava flow. Clouds of toxic “laze,” which is formed when blazing lava hits the ocean water, posed an acute health threat. Much of Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, which has been hit by 18,000 earthquakes in the past month alone, has shut down.

I still say she was being overly dramatic.

In the beginning of April, Ana had a palate expander put in her mouth in preparation for braces. It’s basically a modern-day dental torture device that spaces her baby teeth farther and farther apart with every crank. She hated it, but adjusted quickly. On the 20th, she turned 9. Her party was held at the roller rink and, in lieu of gifts, she asked her friends to bring canned dog food to be donated to a local animal rescue. I was so proud of her selflessness. And at the end of a fun but exhausting day, I smiled at my kind-hearted, animal-loving girl and she smiled back, sliding a slice of birthday cake between her two front teeth.

Ahh yes, May.

“There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose times has come” – Victor Hugo

And on Memorial Day, the time had come to debut my 15 ft x 12ft x 10 ft inflatable pink flamingo raft. Collin, understandably nervous, helped me inflate it, while Brian hid indoors and Ana went to gather her friends. We then docked it next to my neighbor’s fancy boat, creating the most wonderful juxtaposition on the water – Class vs Trash.

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We loaded it up with bottled water, sunscreen, life preservers, kayak oars, neighborhood kids, and after tethering it to the dock with 50 feet of rope, we set sail. After about 5 uneventful minutes, we got bored and someone yelled, “CUT THE ROPE!” (it could have been me) and so I did. That’s when we discovered that kayak oars are about as useful as wet noodles when trying to steer a thousand pounds of floating poultry. Despite our frantic paddling to reach the dock, the current took us in the opposite direction. Neighbors, who had originally come out to take incriminating pictures to present at the upcoming homeowners meeting, soon realized we needed rescuing. Ropes were thrown, along with curses, and we were pulled in. Her maiden voyage lasted all of 15 scary minutes. She was then deflated and packed away, as were my dreams for her.

In June, Collin started his first job at Candy Kitchen! We were so proud of him! It just so happens that Candy Kitchen was my first job at the beach, and I regaled him with stories, including the time I lost a red Lee Press-On Nail in the Swedish Fish. He said he already heard that story from management and added, “You’re the reason we have to wear food safety gloves. Thanks a lot.” I’m also the reason they need a doctor’s note when calling out on Memorial Day weekend with claims of being in a coma. But I kept that to myself.

Most of July was spent at the beach. I can’t remember the kids doing anything of significance, but I know for a fact that Brian perfected his margarita recipe, complete with fresh lime juice. You know how a cat comes flying at the sound of a can opener? That’s me when he starts up the juicer, running from anywhere in the house at breakneck speed. It’s probably the only fitness program that I have any chance of sticking with.

In August, Brian and I went back to one of our favorite resorts for our 17th anniversary, the Rosewood Mayakoba in Playa Del Carmen.  I wish I could tell you we did something exciting like zip-lining or scuba diving but the truth is, that vacation was a competition to see who could do nothing the longest. We both won.

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Just before Labor Day, Ana entered 4th grade and Collin started high school. Ana LOVES her teacher and classmates, recess is her favorite subject, pigs are her favorite animal, and she’s still tearing it up on the soccer field. Collin joined the high school football team and stands at 5’11”. That’s all I know about him as he only dispenses information on a need-to-know basis. We’re starting to suspect he considers us a source of embarrassment.

In September our master bathroom was renovated. Despite walking around a 6ft double vanity, stacks of subway tile, and chrome plumbing fixtures sitting in the middle of our living room for 3 months, Brian seemed completely caught off guard by this project. But to be fair, I may have led him to believe the living room was just a very elaborate three-dimensional vision board – I know how he hates change.

October was nothing but football and soccer. Collin turned fifteen and went to his first Homecoming dance – we took formal pictures in the new master bathroom as it’s now the best room in our house.

Whenever there wasn’t a football or soccer game in November, we snuck away to the beach. Unfortunately, this caused us to miss our neighborhood block party, which was a rare opportunity to find out why our neighbor no longer speaks to us.  We don’t doubt we did something to deserve it, it’s just the not knowing which thing we did that’s killing us. Unlike our beach neighbors, where we’re fairly certain it was the flamingo debacle.

*If you’re reading this letter you aren’t that neighbor. So, do me a favor, don’t call and offer to tell me why you hate us.

In December, our homeowner’s insurance paid to replace our dilapidated, untreated cedar roof due to “wind damage”. We were thrilled! For once, mother nature and complete owner neglect conspired together to work in our favor. Now we just need a little tornado debris to break every crappy window in our home…

As far as Christmas preparations go, it’s December 21st and the tree is up but not decorated, unopened Amazon Prime boxes litter our house, and I still haven’t sent out our holiday cards. It’s going swell.

As for gifts, this year I’m just going through everyone’s rooms collecting and rewrapping last year’s presents that were never touched.  Shhh…someone’s about to get flash cards for the third time.

As this year is coming to a close, we want to say thank you for being a part of our lives. Whether near or far, yesterday or yesteryear, you are always in our hearts. May your 2019 be filled with an abundance of love, laughter, health, and happiness.

Love,

Brian, Kim, Collin, and Ana

One Classy Holiday Letter, 2017!

Happy Holidays! It’s December, and I bet you’re thinking to yourself “Wow, this year really flew by!” Yeah, not so much for me. Turns out getting a puppy in the cold darkness of January and sleeping only 4 hours a night until June-ish, makes for a pretty drawn out 2017.

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But things are good now. Allie Oop is 14 months old and such a sweetie! Whenever someone says ‘I want a puppy’, I no longer run away screaming, “NOOO, DON’T DO IT! ENJOY YOUR LIFE!”  Now I just run away.

In February, we found a sitter for the dog and actually ventured out of the house to eat at Fogo de Chao in Philly and to take in a show.

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I couldn’t tell you the name or theme of the show, but I can tell you that Fogo de Chao’s all-you-can-eat salad bar has a wheel of aged Parmesan the size of an end table! And they let you shave as much off as you want! No Off-Broadway production has ever moved our family to tears quite like that hunk of cheese did.

We tried going outdoors in March, but the weather wasn’t ready yet.

In April, we went to an all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana for Spring Break. Before leaving, I read that the resort was known for high pressure timeshare tactics and that we should avoid the sales people with their promise of spa services in exchange for listening to a pitch. I wasn’t concerned because the Sweds would never fall for that! Yet, just twenty-four hours after landing, there we were, holding two FREE FACIAL vouchers and proud members of a Holiday Vacation Club. Coincidentally, Ana turned 9 that week, so we handed her the contract and said “Happy Birthday!” since we could no longer afford a gift.

View from the negotiation tactics room.

View from the negotiation tactics room.

Day 2 of that trip had us in a “what have we done?” stupor. Day 3 was googling HOW TO GET OUT OF A TIMESHARE and learning all about International Consumer Law. On Day 4, suffering from regret and sleep deprivation, I returned to the cattle room filled with other suckers and demanded a refund. I was quickly rushed into a small, dimly lit backroom where I engaged in some broken Spanish Federal Law smack talk. It was intense, and at times I wondered if my dead body would float or sink when they threw it in the ocean. But to my surprise, 45 long minutes later we were refunded our full purchase price and I was set free. Days 5 & 6 were used for drinking and reflecting. Day 7 we decided to buy a beach house and never leave the country again.

May was all about looking for a beach house on Realtor.com and cheering on the return of warm weather.

In June, Brian was awarded a work incentive trip for 2 to an all-inclusive resort in…wait for it…PUNTA CANA. I smiled when he told me, but I wanted to cry. What if we bought another timeshare? Worse yet, what if I agreed to be someone’s drug mule, swallowing balloons of cocaine for a free French Manicure and eyebrow wax? In light of our previous trip, this was now plausible. But free is free, and so we went. Thankfully, we only made eye contact with the bartenders and we had a great time!

That month, we also took Collin to his first real concert to see U2!!! Brian purchased General Admission tickets so we could get as close to the stage as possible. Collin loved it! But he requested that next time we buy seated tickets, allowing him to relax with his snacks. Kids these days…

In July, we bought the perfect beach house for our family. As ‘cold weather intolerant’ people, better suited for living on the equator than in the Mid-Atlantic, we’re forced to pack in all outdoor activities between June and Mid-October. And that’s what we did this summer. Lots of crabbing, swimming, kayaking, and walking. And, oh the bike trails! Compared to hilly Pennsylvania, the flat biking trails of the Delaware shore are a dream. In fact, we felt safe enough to take the training wheels off Ana’s toddler-sized bike, and it turns out she can ride. Probably could for YEARS. “Look ma, no hands!”

The beginning of August was spent drinking fresh-squeezed margaritas on the beach at dusk while watching Collin skim board and Ana dig deep holes up to her neck. But then I read several horror stories about sand collapsing in on people, so by the end of August she was relegated to digging a thousand shallow holes up to her ankles. Not as much fun, but safer and takes just as long.

Digging to China

"Remember the time mom let us almost die?!" - My kids 20 years from now.

“Remember the time mom let us almost die?!” – My kids, 20 years from now.

In September, Ana started travel soccer and Collin began his second year of middle school football. And just like that, our lives became hectic again.  Fun, but hectic. It was this month that we also had to put down our old 3-legged dog, Buddy. I’ll admit, Buddy wasn’t the best family dog. He was a grumpy canine who had little interest in anyone that wasn’t ‘Kim’. But I miss the little guy. And when I’m feeling particularly sad, I like to keep his memory alive by re-telling stories about the time he bit everyone in the family except for me.

I miss you Buddy! ...no one else does, so you were right to bite them.

I miss you Buddy! …no one else does, so you were right to bite them.

In October, Collin turned 14, Allie Oop turned 1, and we took a trip to Florida. It was the first time the kids flew Southwest Airlines and Ana is still raving about it. Not only did the flight attendant make balloon animals but, as Ana said holding up the barf bag printed with the words FOLD DOWN TWICE AND SECURE WITH TWIST TIE, “They even have crafts!”.

Art is everywhere you look!

Art is everywhere you look!

That week was spent visiting family and trekking around Disney World. We also attempted to go to Universal Studios but only got as far as buying the tickets. Can you believe our credit card was charged $759 for 4 one-day passes!?!? It cost SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE DOLLARS! We walked in shock from the ticket booth to the ticket taker, stopping just 5 feet from his outstretched hand. Here was our crossroads. Brian and I stood motionless, staring at each other with pained expressions, both wondering how to justify this expense. And when Ana announced that she would NOT be going on any rides because “they’re scary”, I ran over to the customer service desk and began refund negotiations despite the “no refunds” sign. It was Punta Cana all over again. And like Punta Cana, we thankfully got our money back.

After I got our money back, I made them take a picture at the entrance anyway. They were not happy.

After I got our money back, I made them take a picture at the entrance anyway.  Technically, we were there. They were not happy.

With our beach trips officially over in November, Brian and I resumed our weekend date nights, which meant eating without children at every good BYOB in the area. Collin is finally old enough to babysit Ana at night, and they’re both more than happy to gorge on delivery pizza from Friday-Sunday. Life is good.

So far December has been spent minimizing our outdoor exposure and watching reruns of Caribbean Life on HGTV. Pretty unproductive. However, Allie’s been very busy. So far, she’s chewed up 5 harnesses, 4 Comcast remote controls, and finished off the couch that Mr. Bojangles started when he was alive. So, if you come to visit you might want to bring a folding chair.

We have managed to make a couple trips back to the beach this month. In fact, the family picture on our holiday card is from this year’s Bethany Beach Christmas Tree lighting. We took several ok pics in front of the tree, then we each voted on which one to use.  Ana lost.

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For Christmas this year:

Ana wants either a chinchilla, a bearded dragon, or a chameleon (no, no, and no). And she wants you to put our card straight into your trashcan.

Collin wants an iPhone X (good luck, kid), sneakers, and Call of Duty (shh, I got him the next best thing, Call of DOODIE.)

I can't wait to make it ring as he's opening it. Hahaha! Maybe I really am the worst mother ever.

I can’t wait to make it ring as he’s opening it. Hahaha!
Maybe I really am the worst mother ever.

Brian wants nothing but love and devotion from his family…because “things cost money”

I want someone else to wrap the gifts.

Allie Oop wants a refill on couch pillows, she’s almost out.

Roxy the cat…well she’s still peeing outside the litter box, so not being at an animal shelter is her gift.

As this year is coming to a close, we want to say thank you for being a part of our lives. Whether near or far, yesterday or yesteryear, you are always in our hearts. May your 2018 be filled with an abundance of love, laughter, health, and happiness.

Love,

Brian, Kim, Collin, and Ana

One Classy Holiday Letter, 2016!



Happy Holidays! Though, at the rate I’m moving, this letter may not reach you until late January…in that case, Happy Valentine’s Day.

2016 kicked off with Collin diving into the Atlantic Ocean for the Bethany Beach Polar Plunge on New Year’s Day. While he flapped around in the arctic waters, we huddled on the sand, wind whipping around us, and wondered “Why didn’t we just make a donation from the warmth of our couch?” Even our 3-legged dog with a coat as thick as my post-Christmas waistline looked miserable.

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While winter is typically a hibernation season for our family, there were some notables.

  • Ana started soccer for the first time, unleashing her inner beast and developing a ‘win at all costs’ attitude that we’ll need to keep an eye on.
  • We were grateful to inherit a back-saving snow blower from my father. After the first major snowfall, we hooted & hollered around that thing like cavemen discovering fire.
  • Collin went sledding exactly once.
  • Brian had surgery (he calls it MAJOR surgery) to repair a torn meniscus in his left knee. And just how did he get a torn meniscus? Here’s an excerpt from last year’s holiday letter: “Brian began playing pick-up basketball at the gym twice a week. It’s a bunch of kinda in shape 40 year olds trying to compete with a bunch of really in shape 18 year olds.”  That’s how.
  • Just as we were about to lose our winter minds, Brian won a work incentive trip to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas! He and Ana swam with the dolphins, Collin split his time between the river ride and the Starbucks located in the hotel lobby, and I lay on the beach listening to couples argue over the cost of their bar bill “$24 for a margarita, Debra! Seriously? Wait a second…oh my god, you ordered two?!”

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In the spring, when the ground thawed out a bit, we reemerged.

Ana turned 7 in April. She continued on with soccer but also added intense tree climbing to her leisure activities. The heights she climbed scared me, but it was mostly her traveling through the neighborhood, placing our Squatty Potty stool around the base of Maple trees, that really made me want to cover my eyes. 

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Collin joined a local NFL Flag Football League, and we’re proud to say his team finished the season undefeated! However, their champion status was never acknowledged at the awards ceremony. It seems that until you’re old enough to pay taxes, EVERYONE’S deemed a winner.

Brian and I took a nice impromptu trip to the Poconos area to see Amy Schumer at the Mohegan Sun Arena. I say “impromptu” because I was in charge of purchasing the tickets and I’m terrible at geography.  Brian: Which arena are we going to tomorrow? Me: Somewhere in Wilkes-Barre. That’s near Philly, right?     It’s not.    Turns out it was almost 3 hours away. Who knew Pennsylvania was so big?

This summer was all about the beach and FUNLAND! Mostly Funland. Brian and the kids had a “we must win every stuffed animal even if requires dipping into the college fund” obsession. They were like trophy hunters, always on the search for a new animal to add to their collection. I’m surprised the summer didn’t end with each of them wearing a necklace made of teddy bear ears.

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The kids started school in the fall. Collin turned 13 (a teenager!!!), got braces, and joined the 7th grade middle school football team where he proceeded to get a concussion that gave him a pass on homework for over two weeks. I’m not entirely sure he regrets the concussion. Ana, still into soccer and working on developing her fan base, entered 2nd grade. She loves her teacher, hates the homework. Brian returned to basketball and tore his other meniscus.

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This December we went on a cruise from Miami to Belize, Roatan, Costa Maya, & Cozumel.  Our most memorable moment was visiting the Gumbalimba Animal Preserve in Roatan and having tons of little capuchin monkeys climb all over us and pick our pockets on behalf of their trainer. The cutest little thieves you ever did see.

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This year’s wish lists:

Ana – live puppy, live kitten, live horse, to have her American Girl doll’s limbs reattached.

Collin – every rated M video game he can’t have, cashier’s check/money order

Brian – for me to stop touching the thermostat, massage chair

Kim – Carb of the Month Club, tapeworm, peace on earth

As this year is coming to a close, we want to say thank you for being a part of our lives, whether near or far, yesterday or yesteryear, you are always in our hearts. May your 2017 be filled with an abundance of love, laughter, health, and happiness.

Love,  

Brian, Kim, Collin, & Ana

The Weekend in Crappy Pics: The Amy Schumer Tour

Weekend in Crappy Pics: Amy Schumer Tour

 

I love me some Amy Schumer, so when I heard she was coming to town I quickly snapped up two tickets, one for me and one for Brian (unless he pissed me off in the weeks leading up to the show, in which case they’d go to my bff).  And, of course, I screwed up the purchase…

First, a few words about me. I grew up in Delaware, a state so tiny that if you stood in the middle and stretched your arms out reallll wide, you’d touch the Atlantic Ocean with your right hand and the Maryland border with your left (look at a map and tell me Delaware’s not the single-wide trailer of states). So anytime you hear there’s an event happening in Delaware, you rarely ask yourself “Hmmm, will this require hotel accommodations?”

So as a newbie Pennsylvania resident, when given the choice of three PA locales, it went like this,”I have heard of these cities. I have seen signs for these cities. I’ll pick Wilkes-Barre because it is on a Saturday night. Saturday nights are fun.” Done. And then I spent the next 3 hours researching laundry detergents.

About a week ago, Brian asked me, “Which show are we going to?” and I replied, “Wilkes-Barre. I like Saturday nights.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Kim, that’s in the Pocono mountains!” Then I spent the next 3 hours researching hotels.

 

Saturday

About 30 minutes into our drive I had to pee. Brian asked “Can we try to get a little farther before stopping?” sure. sure.

An hour later, my fully distended bladder was experiencing a slow pulsating burn causing me to moan and writher in my seat. Brian, slurping up the last of his Starbucks Green Tea, announced, “Just 10 more miles.”      you son of a….

As soon as he put his empty cup down, I took it to the backseat, set on getting him a “refill”.

Weekend in Crappy Pics

A Venti Pee Tea, coming right up sir!

And that’s when he decided to stop at the nearest travel center.

I wasn’t sure I could make it across the parking lot so I had him pull up to the door. As I began running for the doors in a hunched-over Quasimodo gait, he stuck his head out the window and yelled  ‘WE HAVE A PEE-ER!  WE HAVE A PEE-ER! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, SHE’S GOING TO BLOW!”

 

At 1:30 pm we arrived at our hotel, The Woodlands. I have to say, they have a great marketing team because the outside didn’t look half as good as it did on the internet. But the inside was lovely and the entire rear of the complex faces a river, offering a picturesque view from every room…except ours. Apparently the “Amy Schumer Package” gives you a bottom floor closet overlooking the parking lot.

Just pass the luggage through the window, it's quicker.

Just pass the luggage through the window, it’s quicker.

Our dinner reservation at the hotel’s Japanese Restaurant wasn’t until 4:30 pm, so we decided to kill some time before dinner by pre-eating.

Breaker Brewing Company

Breaker Brewing Company

What a cool find! Like a diamond in this quiet coal mining town. (diamond, coal mining town – see what I did there)

Knowing our second dinner was only 2.5 hours away, we limited ourselves to a turkey panini with gouda and blackberry-jalapeno jam, a seafood cheese dip, and a bunch of micro-brews.

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Then we headed back to our pantry-sized room to get ready for dinner.

Brian was sooo hoping that with a name like “Shogun”, the Japanese Restaurant would have a gong to announce our arrival. Sadly, they did not. Not even a little souvenir one on the hostess stand.

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We ordered some delicious sushi, and I washed it down with a margarita…an orange margarita tasting of Tropicana. I guess that’s how they do it in Japan.

Reached my daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

Reached my daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

6 p.m., time for the BIG surprise. “Guess what, Brian?! We’re not driving the 1.2 miles to the stadium. Nope, we’re going to squish ourselves into the hotel shuttle and be shoulder-to-ear with the other ‘Amy Schumer Package’ guests! YAY!”

He tried to reason with me:

– 1.2 miles isn’t that far

– parking is only $10

– strangers will cough on us

– blah, blah, blaaaah.

Umm, the shuttle drops us off right at the door so I don’t have to walk across 2 miles of asphalt while the 35 degree mountain air kills my soul. I think I’ll risk the cooties.

And you know what, the shuttle was the best! Dirty Dan (not his birth name) was our driver, telling us some of the raunchiest jokes. Brian initially rolled off the van laughing, but then he turned to me looking all serious and said,”You know, those were some great jokes but he better be careful, he could have easily offend someone.” Yes Brian, Amy Schumer fans are real pearl clutchers.

We entered the stadium, grabbed a couple beers, then quickly found our seats.

I like to take pictures of pictures that tell me I can't take pictures. It makes me feel badass.

I like to take pictures of pictures that tell me I can’t take pictures. It makes me feel badass.

Then we met the couple next to me. A 30 year old woman and her 65 year old father, who happened to be a gynecologist. But of course.

They were a chatty pair. And when they were parched from talking SO much, the father got up to seek out some beer. And that’s when the daughter moved over to take her father’s seat next to me.

She told me all about her life- her hopes, her dreams, her failures, her attempts to follow in her father’s footsteps without riding his coattails. It was all very Lifetime Movie-ish. And every 30 seconds she’d interrupt her own story with, “Hmm, I hope my dad’s ok. I should have gone with him. I hope he doesn’t get lost.” Finally I blurted out, “Relax, if he can find his way around a vagina, he can find his way to a beer and back.”

“I like you” she said. Then shit got weird.

A few minutes before the show started, I said to Brian, “I need to use the bathroom. Where is it?” Before Brian could answer me, I received a tap on my leg from my new BFF, who was now two seats over because her father had indeed found his was back, “I need to go too. But let’s do Kegels until we can’t hold it anymore, then we’ll go together. Ok?”  She added a wink for effect.

Lots of questions.

  1. WTF?
  2. How long had she been reading my lips?
  3. Kegels until we can’t hold it anymore?!? Who does that?
  4. What kind of sadistic gynecological shit was she into?

Having flashbacks of the Allentown Travel Center and merging it with my all-time favorite movie Dirty Dancing, I hissed, “NO ONE PUTS BLADDER IN A CORNER!” and left her Kegeling ass there.

Luckily, the show started when I returned. And as the lights dimmed, I could feel her eyes burning into my chubby cheeks, signaling the death of our friendship.

Amy was crass, gross, raunchy – basically awesome! However. How.Ever. a large part of her set was spent discussing vaginas, mostly about how they could all use a deep cleaning. Usually that wouldn’t bother me, but when you’re sitting next to a 65 year old male gynecologist who keeps nudging you in the arm, nodding his head, and whispering in your ear“Tell me about it!”, “You’re not kidding!”, and my favorite “Oh my god, you can’t EVEN imagine!”, it kinda makes you shift in your seat contemplating your hygiene regimen and wondering “Am I doing enough?”

After the show, Brian and I took the hotel shuttle to the Mohegan Sun Casino where we wandered into yet another comedy show. We arrived just as the main act was beginning.

No vaginas here.

No vaginas here.

It wasn’t until the end, when they were raffling off the big, big prize, “Free tickets for a future show!”, that we realized we had inadvertently snuck in.

BAD.ASS.

After our illegal viewing of the show, we hung around the casino long enough for me to consume 4 chocolate martinis and an skunky Heineken before heading back to the hotel.

Did I mention the hotel called me 3 days before our trip to let me know they were hosting a Fraternity? Just a “heads up” they said. “I’m sure you won’t even know they’re there” they said. And that might have been true except:

Brian and I walking down the hall at 2 a.m.

Brian: “OMG, a skunk got in here! He must have entered from the parking lot.”

Me: “Dammit. I knew we should have upgraded to a higher floor”

20-ish year old guy walks by us giggling

Brian: “Woo-wee! That poor guy got sprayed.”

Me: “He got sprayed BIGTIME! You know, I heard tomato juice takes the…”

quick flashback of a hazy, smoke-filled college apartment, everyone laughing while I re-stack the Jenga tower wondering what’s so funny

“…wait…a…minute…that ain’t no skunk…”  (it was pot. they were smoking pot.)

We’re so incredibly naive. We should just take a cardboard box and fill it with cheap booze, spare car keys, and a stamp embossed with our signatures on it, and give it to our son on his 15th birthday. Save him the trouble.

 

SUNDAY

We woke up around 10 am, surprisingly not hung over, and made our way over to Bob Evans where I set up shop. Seriously, breakfast is MY MEAL. Brian is always incredibly embarrassed as I order, substitute, shift, omit, and request various food items until a perfect balance of salty, sweet, and savory has been achieved without the use of pork or beef. And then I take about 10 minutes to pre-butter, pre-cut, and pre-syrup everything.  My motto: once eating commences, there shall be no reason to pause.

After an exhausting breakfast, we headed home, admiring the beauty of the mountains, reflecting on the fun we had together, and feeling pretty darn grateful for another of my geographical screw ups.

 

Tell me, have you seen Amy Schumer on tour yet? If so, what did you think? And did you sit next to a gynecologist?

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