florida

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

March 10, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

So you know how I’ve been super SAD lately (Seasonal Affective Disorder), given that I live where Hell has actually frozen over? Well, I was super happy this past weekend…in sunny Florida…again!!!

I’m still coming out of a margarita/sunshine/feeding-my-fat-face haze, so I have little doubt that this edition of Weekend in Crappy Pics will come across as more disjointed than usual. Please bear with me. (For real, I accidentally drove Ana to her brother’s school this morning. They wouldn’t take her.)

On Wednesday, (yes, I know my title is ‘The Weekend in Crappy Pics”, sue me) Brian left for a work conference in Orlando, Fl.

On Thursday, I headed to the airport to catch the next plane out.

While standing in the security line, an announcement was made for a passenger to meet with one of the security officers.

OOOHHHH, a drug-sniffing dog! DAMN, it’s going to be a drug bust!!!!

I was so excited about witnessing a little ‘Breaking Bad’ action going down before me, yet a bit nervous about the possibility of getting caught in a shoot out. The last time I remember feeling so conflicted was when I had to drink a 2009 Caymus Special Selection Cabernet from the Napa region out of a red solo cup.

Officer: Sir, please go back to the luggage check-in, they found something in your luggage.

Guy: Was it my Creme Brulee torch?

WTF? Who the HELL brings a creme brulee torch on vacation? Better yet, who, in this day and age, brings a torch on a plane? Anyway, the guy came back to the line and informed everyone that he chose to throw away his creme brulee torch instead of taking it back to his car because “I have a ton of them at home.” ???

Anyhoo, I finally got on the plane only to realize that I was surrounded by flying newbies, and not the excited kind…

They were so intertwined, they couldn’t even get their drink trays down. But I had no problem with mine…

Good thing I had that drink too, because when we hit an air pocket, the 5 year old behind me yelled “We’re goin dooooown!” and the lady next to me dove into her boyfriend’s lap and started hyperventilating. That’s when I decided to rent “Gravity” and tune out everyone around me.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why would you watch an awesome 3-D movie like Gravity on one of those tiny headrest tv’s?” or you could be thinking, “Why the hell would you watch a movie about things going wrong in space while you’re on a plane? Would you go on a cruise and watch the Titanic?” Yeah, I probably would.

But here’s why…

See how the space station is shaking in that pic…we actually had plane turbulence during that scene! 3-D? More like 4-D!

Plus, I had a barf bag handy.

After arriving in Orlando, I knew Brian was going to be unavailable all day so I rented a car, drove to my favorite little town, bellied up to a bar, and had a nice blackened Mahi-Mahi sandwich and beer.

It’s no secret that I attract some of the most “interesting” people. This guy included…

I learned a lot from him that day:

1. To boil any and all water before drinking or bathing in it, otherwise I will become forgetful and my insides will rot.

2. To avoid breathing in black mold and consuming rust (I kinda knew this one)

3. Only buy a house if the front and back doors line up, so that air can flow through the house.

Luckily my leg had fallen asleep and I had to stick around a few minutes longer or I would have missed this gem…

4. If I’m going to drink and drive, I should do it during the day because at night there are less people on the roads, increasing my odds of getting caught.

After arriving at the hotel, Brian pointed out a gift bag that was left at his door. It contained a bunch of promotional information that appeared to be tailored towards the Restaurant & Hospitality industry, including conference materials.

Me: I think this was delivered to the wrong room. We should probably return it.

Brian: Really? Because it included this bottle of wine *holding up a bottle*

Me: I…I could be wrong.

On Friday morning, I looked out of our window and saw the most spectacular thing ever!

Me: Oh my god! Brian! Get over here! They have these little white things roaming around the golf course! I think they’re like Roomba vacuums but for cutting the grass! Brilliant! (I began to wonder if these were available through retail channels or if they were strictly for commercial use)

Brian: Jesus Kim, put on your glasses. They’re birds.

Wildlife and glasses have never been so disappointing.

Friday afternoon and evening was spent shopping, checking out the gulf coast of Florida (beautiful!), and visiting my family.

On Saturday, Brian and I headed over to Epcot, where we were free to drink and eat ourselves around the world.

The people watching was just a perk…

Me: Man, that kid’s really wailing!

Brian: She’s probably crying over that outfit her parents stuck on her.

Brian: Hey, check out those solar system pants.

Me: I bet guys walk up to her and say “Show me Uranus”. High five!

On the day of our marriage, who knew “Until death do us part” would be a total misconception? We’ll still be together even after death…in hell.

Here’s the crazy part…as we were people watching, we were actually being people watched! By this lady:

Lady: Excuse me, are you two dating?

Me: Um, no. We’ve been married for 13 years.

Lady: Really? Well I’ve been sitting here observing you for a while (’cause that’s not weird) and I have to say, the way he just stares at you when you talk, well, he’s just so madly in love with you! I wish my husband would look at me like that, so intently. It’s like when Brad Pitt watches Angelina Jolie. I though for sure you were on a date.

Me: Aww, thanks.

Lady to Brian: Has anyone ever told you that you have bedroom eyes?

Brian: Thanks. I really have no idea what to say to that, but thanks.

The conversation went on and on about bedroom eyes and circled back to Brad & Angelina again and again. When we left, I was feeling pret-ty good about our relationship…and then Brian said, “From the moment she sat down, I KNEW she wanted to get our attention and strike up a conversation. That’s why I made sure to keep my eyes focused on you. It almost worked.”

Someday he’ll learn to leave well enough alone.

Sunday, we flew home.

They say it might snow on Thursday.

Brian says I looked depressed today.

I don’t want to talk about it.

How was your weekend?

Looking for a special PERSONALIZED GIFT? Check outwww.GiftsForYouNow.com for awesome ideas!

3 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: crappy pics, epcot, florida, people watching, weekend

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Or Valentine’s without my family…in sunny Florida.

February 18, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday, I left my husband and children behind, and flew to sunny Florida with my mother to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin for the weekend.

After landing, we rented a car and headed out on a 1.5 hour ride to my aunt’s house. About an hour into our drive, we stopped at Applebee’s for a bite.

Hostess: “Hi! Are you celebrating Valentine’s today?”

Umm,no.

Manager coming to our table: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Are you two sharing this special day together?” *wink*

What?! She’s my mother!

Oddly, the age thing bothered me more than the lesbian assumption. Did my mom look super younger or did I look super older?

Waitress: “Are you here for a romantic Valentine’s Day lunch?” Christ, people. “If so, we’re offering a 2 for 1 drink special.”

Me: “Why yes, yes we are!”

It wasn’t until I was enjoying my first celebratory Margarita that it occurred to me, this was the first Valentine’s Day, in 10 years, that I could eat my chocolate without fear of being interrupted to wipe someone’s ass. It’s the little things.

No sooner had we entered my Aunt’s house, when we were turned around and pushed out the door in search of a bar. Sadly, it seemed that most places only served beer and wine…

It only took us 2 hours to find one that could make a Manhattan.

After downing some drinks and grease in the form of onion rings, hush puppies, and conch fritters…

we rode around the city in search of some happening nightlife. Naturally, we started here:

The Budget Inn Lounge!

It was everything we expected…and more.

My aunt suggested we try another place:

Aunt C: “We could check out Boomers. I haven’t been there in a while, but I remember they played Oldies music.”

My Cousin: “Why’d you stop going?”

Aunt C: “I heard it got rough. I even read about a few shootings there.”

Me: “Oh pah-leez, they play OLDIES music for god’s sake. How dangerous can it be?”

We pulled in:

We pulled out.

At the end of the night, we found ourselves in the Loony Bin.

The symbolism is not lost on me.

Upon returning to the house, my Cousin Carla presented us with Valentine’s gifts. She’s so very sweet like that.

My gift:

knowing how much I love “chewy wine”…

My mother’s gift:

knowing how much she loves…umm…still not sure what to make of this…

you know I was sooo jealous.

Gotta love the warning on the back:

On Saturday, we went Goodwill-ing.

Goodwill-ing (gud-wil-ing)- verb- hitting up every Goodwill in a 20 mile radius because nothing makes you more excited than finding a deal on something you’ll never use.

I don’t know if you’re aware, or even care, but a Goodwill located in an affluent town is like eating at a seafood restaurant situated next to a fishing dock- the quality don’t get no better.

And when we came across a Goodwill that was having a 50% off sale, holy hell, I had to buy a second-hand Michael Kors 100% cotton t-shirt just to absorb my joyous tears.

Did you notice the camera shy lady with the pie pan?

Afterwards, we went to an expensive seafood restaurant, because saving a buck on used flower vases totally justifies dropping $200 on dinner.

On Sunday, we drove to a local Flea Market.

Believe me when I say there’s nothing more relaxing than walking around and looking at affordable & useless junk. It’s cheaper than a yoga membership.

Unfortunately, this particular flea market was kind of a let down.

I wasn’t looking to purchase old magazines,

or jewelry made out of dead butterflies,

or salt & pepper shakers held by skulls…

I was, however, thinking I might buy a nice home fragrance oil. But which scent to choose…

Lilac? Too flowery

Ocean Breeze? Too Summery.

Orange? Yuck.

It took me a while, but I eventually narrowed it down…

Next, we went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond where I was determined to buy an As Seen On TV Genie Bra, despite them being hung 10 feet above my head. Why, Bed, Bath & Beyond, why?

I approached customer service and informed them of my little problem, and they immediately sent someone over.

My husband was happy to hear that my bra was thoughtfully selected by a 25 year old guy.

Upon returning home, we made homemade Bailey’s Irish Cream for happy hour.

Then we ended our trip by eating out at Applebee’s, exactly as we had started it.

Oh, and researching Florida homes for sale.

How was your weekend?

2 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: florida, pics, Trip, valentine's, weekend

Florida Trip – Day 3 w/ more crappy pictures.

March 18, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

As promised, here’s day 3 of our Florida trip. I’m sure you’ve been biting your nails just waiting. So where was I? Oh yeah, day 3 of our Florida trip (you can read the other days here & here).

We left Tampa in our teeny tiny rental car and headed to Orlando- the first stop, our hotel.

Apparently, my period was due, only I didn’t know it until I stood at the hotel check-in desk questioning my “that’s just humidity I’m feeling down there” theory. Well, humidity doesn’t ruin your new, fancy underwear. Bad scene guys, bad scene.

*Tip: Always keep tampons in your suitcase! Thank goodness I follow my own tips.

After settling in and “cleaning up”, we drove to our favorite little town, Celebration, Fl. As we were entering the town, we came to a road where we had to turn right or left.

Brian: What do you think? Should we go right or left?

Me: I think we screwed this up last time. I say right.

Brian: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, definitely right.

So we went right…

“…definitely right”

So after making a u-turn, we arrived in this adorable “white picket fence” community and did some shopping! Ok, I did some shopping, Brian sat on a lot of benches and took pictures.

About halfway into my shopping expedition, I developed this crippling headache- but damn it, I’m no quitter! I asked Brian if he happened to have an aspirin. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a plain, white pill that he was “pretty sure” was an aspirin. Pretty sure? Shouldn’t you be sure about that kind of shit before offering it?

Swallowing that pill required a lot of trust…and as an avid watcher of Dateline with Keith Morrison, I developed a whole episode in my head while debating what to do:

Keith Morrison: “They seemed like a happy couple by all accounts. Friends described them as a fun couple who got along, enjoyed spending time together, and constantly doted on one another (silly friends). That’s why, what happened in the winter of 2013, in the picturesque community of Celebration, shocked everyone. A loving, caring, beautiful, wife’s life was cut short by poison! Their “celebration” had ended.”

On the real show, this pic would be split apart for effect.

They would title the show “Little White Lies, Little White Pill”

So what did I do? I took a picture of that pill and emailed it to my mother…just in case. When I swallowed it, Brian smiled and I crossed my fingers.

I was still alive when my headache went away, so that’s good. He made me apologize for doubting him.

After shopping, we went to the Columbia Restaurant for dinner. We love this place!

It was a lovely dinner…until I used the restroom.

*I want you to keep in mind that I was wearing flip flops (the reason for stating this will be obvious in a second).

So I’m in my stall, sitting on a toilet seat (lined with toilet paper like my momma taught me), when this lady enters the stall next to me. Suddenly, I hear this high-pressure, watery gush! It was like a damn cork popped and champagne was going everywhere. Only, it wasn’t champagne, it was this lady’s urine! OMG! She’s a hoover-er* and she missed! She missed! She missed! (*squatting over a toilet to pee)

WAAAHH! Her urine bounced and splashed onto MY foot! I wanted to cry but instead I held real still, partly from the shock but also because I wanted to save her the embarrassment. That’s right, she peed on my foot and I was concerned about her feelings.

So as I sat frozen, she grabbed some paper towels from the sink area, threw them down, and smeared it around with her size 7 Reebok sneaker. Oh yes, I paid close attention to that shoe so that I could identify the culprit later.

As soon as she vacated the restroom, I ran to the sink and proceeded to wash my feet, my shoes, my memory of the whole disgusting thing. And of course, as I had my foot hoisted in the air, a staff member walked in. I explained to her what happened, down to the Reebok. Her mouth said “Oh, that’s so awful!” but the look in her eyes said, “Let’s drop the act, we both know it was you.”

We had Bread Pudding for dessert, it was great.

AAAAAAGHGHHGH! A LADY PEED ON MY FOOT!

9 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: celebration, columbia, dateline, florida, keith morrison, urine

Florida – wine, cigars, & doggie style

March 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Today, I’m sharing my Florida vacation (days 1 & 2) through photographs. And if you didn’t read about our flight, you can check it out here (if you care or you’re extremely bored).

_______________

Brian was scheduled to be in meetings all of Wednesday afternoon and evening, so I drove out to Madeira Beach to meet up with my aunt, uncle, and cousin.

If you know me, you won’t be surprised to hear that I got lost. A trip that should have taken me 40 minutes at the most, took me almost 1.5 hrs, and that’s with the GPS. Honestly, when it comes to highways, exits, routes, signs, ugh, forget it! I need directions like “Hang a right at the Target. Follow that road until you get to the store where you bought those cute little headbands, then make another right. When you come to your third liquor store – the one that offers free tastings every Friday, veer to the left. It’ll be on the right, next to the house with the ugly pink shutters.”

So when my directions said “Exit in 1.5 miles, toward Boward County/Steel Rd (Rt. 76N)”, I naturally ended up in a strip club parking lot…

We’re not in Kansas anymore, boobies.

When I finally arrived, we headed out to a little French restaurant.

The Gulf Bistro

As the “guest of honor”, my family asked me to choose the wine for our table. Oh jeez, the pressure- I know jack-shit about French wine.

Me to the owner: What wine would you recommend?

French Owner: Well, what will you be having for dinner?

Me: I’m not sure yet.

French Owner: What kind of wine do you like?

Cousin Carla: Something foxy, yet unassuming.

French Owner: … ?

Me: What does that even mean? Isn’t that a contradiction?

Cousin Carla: I don’t know! I’m just trying to think of some adjectives.

Aunt Charline: Carla, let Kim do the ordering. She’s the expert, she writes wine reviews. (hahaha- bad cheapo wino reviews!)

French Owner: Oh really?!

– ok, so now the french lady is all impressed and thinks that I’m a wine aficionado. Then this happens…

French Owner: Well, what kind of wine do you like?

Me: I like chewy wines.

French Owner: …. ?

Because she looks confused, I assume there must be a language barrier- so I try this…

Me: You know, something chewy that you can really sink your teeth into (I start making chewing motions and grunting).

Me: But I want it to be smooth and soft like a child’s well-loved blankie

I say this while slowly rubbing my napkin up & down my cheek. Then, for emphasis, I close my eyes and smile softly, like I’m in a far off dream. When I open them, she has a disgusted look on her face.

Me: Red. I like red.

Later, I got myself caught in the fringe curtains that separate the dining room from the bathroom.

After dinner we headed to the Daiquiri Shak, where we drank and watched Cousin Carla’s very talented friend, Jeremy Thomas, perform.

[embedit snippet=”jeremy”]

Then we moved on to…dum dum duuum….El Loco Cigar & Wine Bar.

Don’t worry, we didn’t inhale.

We had a great time here! We talked about a smorgasbord of topics, including face lifts, cats, and the existence of God- sometimes all in the same sentence. We also met interesting folks, like the gentleman who sent us these cigars (I’d rather a Cabernet) and Doug of Doug’s Doggie Style grooming…

Doug’s Doggie Style Grooming….a business he can stand behind. Man, I crack me up!

Around 12:30 am we headed back to the condo to get some much needed sleep. Did I mention that I planned on staying the night? Yeah, I forgot to tell Brian that too.

The next morning we dropped Carla’s pirate hat off at her house….

Don’t you just hate it when you forget your pirate hat at your mother’s house?

Then we went shopping, where I scored a bracelet for…wait for it…c’mon guess….91 cents! Can you believe that shit!? It was an expensive store too! Clearance on top of clearance, baby!

And on our way out of town, I stopped in the middle of the road and snapped a picture this church…it looks just like a chicken! Do you see it?!

An egg-cellent church to attend!

My aunt calls it “Chicken Church”- where the congr-egg-ation flocks to worship. You may have seen this church recently, as I posted it on my blog’s Facebook page and it went viral. The national media picked up on it and the pic has been everywhere, from Yahoo news to the Huffington Post. Sadly, my little blog was not given any credit:( Instead, I’m referred to as “the photographer”, which I guess is kinda a compliment because my pictures are usually crap.

Later that night, Brian and I went to dinner where a lady peed on my foot. I’ll tell you about that later this week.

5 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: chicken church, cigars, doggie style, florida, madeira beach, vacation

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Or Valentine’s without my family…in sunny Florida.

Florida Trip – Day 3 w/ more crappy pictures.

Florida – wine, cigars, & doggie style

Click here for the list!

choose a category, any category…

Looking for something?

In case you missed it…

Who’s the most fashionable toddler ever? Quinoa, of course! Order it today!

Follow https://www.oneclassymotha.com/