This Season’s Hottest Summer Leg Hairstyles!

 

Spice up your summer with one of these trendy summer leg hairstyles! Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!

 

Tired of the same old ‘do? Are your limb locks looking limp? Well, good news, I’m here to give you some much needed insp-hair-ation! Today, I’ve rounded up some of my favorite summer leg hairstyles, complete with “How To’s” so you can create the look at home and spice up your summer style!

 

1. The Maxi Dress

Oh please, we all know what your leg hair looks like under that maxi dress!

This leg hairstyle is super simple and says “I’m ready for summer fun, daytime or nighttime, ’cause with follicle maintenance on the back burner, I ain’t got nothing but time!”

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Cultivate a “f@ck this bullshit” attitude.

step 2: Shampoo leg hairs.

Step 3: Blow-dry hair using fingers until it’s three-quarters of the way dry, then work in mousse from root to end, tousle and go!

2. The Capri

We all know what your leg hair looks like under those capris!

The Capri is a sassy summertime style for the woman who cares about the appearance of self-maintenance without all that pesky effort. Let your ankles scream “I’m sexy”, while leaving your calves plenty of time to watch Wheel of Fortune.

How to Get the Look:

step 1: Lather leg hairs.

step 2: Shave no more than 6 inches above the ankle.

Step 3: Apply a leave-in conditioner to the remaining hair, then blow-dry with a large round brush.

Step 4: Once hair is completely dry, run a styling cream through to separate strands creating a piece-y texture to prevent stiff hairs from poking through your polyester pants during book club.

step 5: Top the look off with peep toe shoes, painting only the toenails that show.

3. The Bermuda

We all know what your leg hair looks like under those shorts!

For the woman who wants to feel super sexy…but only from the top of the shins down! This style will take you from school drop-off to a romantic dinner for five at Applebee’s!

How to Get the look:

Step 1: Lather leg hairs.

Step 2: Shave from the ankles to that place where you usually cut yourself (also known as the kneecap).

Step 3: Blow Dry.

Step 4: With a medium-barrel iron, curl small sections all over thighs, then break them apart with fingers to create a wavy, imperfect texture. Use a fine-tooth comb to tease at roots then smooth over and comb upward towards the vagina.

4.The Swimskirt

We all know what your leg hair looks like under that swimskirt!

The “Swimskirt” because you’re more of a lawn boy than a bushwhacker

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Lather legs.

Step 2: Put on some Sarah McLaughlin and guzzle a dirty martini.

Step 3: Pull out a brand new razor and shave until you’d rather be “…in the arms of an angel…”

Step 4: Blow dry using a diffuser.

Step 5: Divide the pubic region into a few large sections. Using your biggest curling iron on each ,hold the iron vertically and wrap sections down the barrel—starting at mid-shaft and working your way to the back.

Step 6: Use texturizing balm or wax to separate strands and control fly-aways.

5.The Bikini

you actually took time to shave? how?

Well, well, you smug son-of-a-bitch…you’re the reason my husband says ridiculous things like, “I hear most women don’t french braid their leg hairs.” and goes around dropping hints like, “For the love of all that is good and holy, can’t you PLEASE shave?!”

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Check the calendar. Is it your anniversary and/or your husband’s birthday? If YES, than continue to Step 2. If NO…umm…are you sure you really want to do this?

Step 2: Making sure the bathroom is clear of *cats, get naked and stand in the middle of an empty tub.

Step 3: Apply generous amounts of Nair to all areas of the lower body, and set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes.

Step 4: While standing there naked, cold, and vulnerable, take this opportunity to reflect on any regrets or bad decision you’ve made in your lifetime (maybe this is one of them?). Now imagine pouring Nair over all of that negativity. Feel it burning along with your skin. Can you smell the bad energy leaving the room? Yes, it does smell an awful lot like sulfur and calcium thioglycolate.

Step 5: Rinse with cool water & pat dry. Now dry your tears.

Step 6: Apply baby powder between your thigh to keep from squeaking when you walk.

*accidentally remove their fur once, and they’ll shit every time they see you put lotion on. Trust me.

No matter which style you pick, make sure to ROCK IT! Now get out there and show the world what you’re made of! (in my case, wine & sarcasm)

Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 - $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

This is your Arachnid on Drugs

I’m sorry I haven’t had fresh stuff for you lately, but when I’m not busy breaking up bitch-fights between the kids, I can be found in the bathroom wiping my daughter’s ass. No really, her fiber intake must be off the charts. It’s In.Cred.Ible. (She just interrupted my writing to tell me she has to poop again. I shit you not. WTF?)

But despite my time struggles, I’ve managed to watch this unbelievable video over and over and over and over and over and…hmm, maybe if I stopped watching it, I’d get some writing done? No matter, I NEED to share it with you now! If you’ve already seen this video, then you know exactly why I felt compelled to post it.

Hold on to your crack pipe…

*Keep in mind, this video’s over 7 years old so the footage may be a little crappy, but the message is more relevant today than ever.

Welcome to Camp Cheapo! Why pay for summer camp when you can have your own crappy one?

Camp Cheapo- Day 1

In an attempt to curtail our household spending, I opted not to send my kids to a real camp this week. The way I see it, the money can be better spent on hair foils, manicures, and a much needed bikini wax or two. And to ease my guilt I decided to hold my own camp- I mean jeez, we own a Slip N Slide and an assortment of bandaids, how hard can it be?

On Day 1, we started with an 11am camp meeting (Camp Cheapo starts late), made a run to Kmart for supplies (Camp Cheapo is unprepared- hey, we’re not the Boy Scouts), knocked on doors to recruit more campers (Camp Cheapo encourages last minute participation), then immediately broke our hose so we had to borrow the neighbor’s (Camp Cheapo is resourceful).

The first activity (slip n slide) began at 2pm. I quickly concluded that using dish detergent to slick the surface was a bad idea.

Next we moved onto the Shaving Cream fight. Brian had warned me that it might burn their eyes. Nothing I could do about that, but I did buy the Aloe version so at least it would soothe their impending sunburn.


They had a great time...until the fiery sensation travelled from their eyeballs to their brains, forcing us to hose off and pack up.

While I was printing the words to our closing song, KIMbaya (Like Kumbaya, but in my honor), Brian asked me if I had been drinking. Not yet, Brian, not yet...

 

Read Day 2, then feel sorry for me.

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