I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!
I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.
First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!
Apothic White Blend 2012 - $9.99
Winemaker’s Notes: Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.
Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET! One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!
But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:
Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet. But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:
Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!
1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?
2. Why lie on some of the bottles?
and 3. How dare they!
After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.
But then this tragedy unfolded:
No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!
“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”
But I drank it anyway, and you know what? It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.
I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!