Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 - $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

This is your Arachnid on Drugs

I’m sorry I haven’t had fresh stuff for you lately, but when I’m not busy breaking up bitch-fights between the kids, I can be found in the bathroom wiping my daughter’s ass. No really, her fiber intake must be off the charts. It’s In.Cred.Ible. (She just interrupted my writing to tell me she has to poop again. I shit you not. WTF?)

But despite my time struggles, I’ve managed to watch this unbelievable video over and over and over and over and over and…hmm, maybe if I stopped watching it, I’d get some writing done? No matter, I NEED to share it with you now! If you’ve already seen this video, then you know exactly why I felt compelled to post it.

Hold on to your crack pipe…

*Keep in mind, this video’s over 7 years old so the footage may be a little crappy, but the message is more relevant today than ever.

Welcome to Camp Cheapo! Why pay for summer camp when you can have your own crappy one?

Camp Cheapo- Day 1

In an attempt to curtail our household spending, I opted not to send my kids to a real camp this week. The way I see it, the money can be better spent on hair foils, manicures, and a much needed bikini wax or two. And to ease my guilt I decided to hold my own camp- I mean jeez, we own a Slip N Slide and an assortment of bandaids, how hard can it be?

On Day 1, we started with an 11am camp meeting (Camp Cheapo starts late), made a run to Kmart for supplies (Camp Cheapo is unprepared- hey, we’re not the Boy Scouts), knocked on doors to recruit more campers (Camp Cheapo encourages last minute participation), then immediately broke our hose so we had to borrow the neighbor’s (Camp Cheapo is resourceful).

The first activity (slip n slide) began at 2pm. I quickly concluded that using dish detergent to slick the surface was a bad idea.

Next we moved onto the Shaving Cream fight. Brian had warned me that it might burn their eyes. Nothing I could do about that, but I did buy the Aloe version so at least it would soothe their impending sunburn.


They had a great time...until the fiery sensation travelled from their eyeballs to their brains, forcing us to hose off and pack up.

While I was printing the words to our closing song, KIMbaya (Like Kumbaya, but in my honor), Brian asked me if I had been drinking. Not yet, Brian, not yet...

 

Read Day 2, then feel sorry for me.

PARASITE PARENTING at the beach

Every summer, I offer up this short tutorial on “Parasite Parenting” as a way of giving back to my community. And by “my community”, I mean other exhausted parents.

After you’ve had your “AH-HA! Kim, you’re a genius!” moment, make a point to share this with every parent you know – then pat yourself on the back for joining my “Lazy Humanitarian” club.

 

Parasite Parenting at the Beach

It’s summertime, and for many families that means a trip to the beach. Sadly, taking young kids to the beach is about as relaxing as having a cavity filled while getting a Brazilian bikini wax on sunburnt skin.

Well, last year I said “Enough is enough!” but they kept screaming anyway. So this year, I’ve decided to put my psychology degree to good use by creating a beach environment that allows for the style of parenting I like to call “Parasite Parenting.”

What exactly is Parasite Parenting? It’s weaseling your kids (the parasites) into another family’s fun (the host), while you sit by and do nothing  but watch and relax!

Taking your children to the beach this summer? READ THIS and learn how Parasite Parenting can make it a day of relaxation!

Here’s how it’s done…

 

Step 1. Location, Location, Location

Choosing the right spot on the sand is crucial for creating an afternoon of lackadaisical parenting.

Things to look for in an ideal location:

- Sit right next to or behind a landmark (i.e. Lifeguard Stand, “Danger” sign, or one of those really obnoxious sun tents that could double as a homeless shelter in the off season). Point these out to your kids so they’ll have an easier time finding you when their host family leaves. And mark my words, they will leave when they realize what’s happening.

-Always choose to sit near a family that is digging a hole. Whether they’re digging to China or digging a hole to drop a body in later, it doesn’t matter. It just needs to be a hole that your child will wander into and want to stay in for the long haul. However, it’s very important that the hole is being dug by the father and his children, not the mother. It’s been my experience that fathers start a hole and then become obsessed with making it bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper. They have a stick-to-it-ness that mothers don’t. I think it’s some sort of vagina-envy-but-with-a-hole thing.

*Side note: today’s father disappeared underground and only came up when he found a blue crab and bones of questionable origin. The kids were fascinated by both.

 

Step 2. Send in Supplies

Drop off crackers, gum, juice boxes, shovels, buckets, and cool sand toys at the edge of the hole – basically help your kids set up shop so that they have no reason to come back before the sun goes down. On your way back to your chair say to the dad “Great Job! I’ll be over here on my iPhone looking up Guinnessworldrecords.com for the deepest beach hole. I’ll let you know what I find. Though the internet has been really slow today. Weird.”

 

Step 3. Maintain an Appearance of Effort

If the other family gets a whiff of your shirked parental duties they’ll shut your kid out. They’ll claim it’s because they want to spend “quality time” alone with their own children, but really they’re just jealous of your genius. To avoid this you have to do a bit of work. But don’t worry, this can be carried out between martini refills and chapters of your Fifty Shades of Grey.

Do the following:

- Every 30 minutes, approach your child and spray sunblock on him/her while saying, “Honey, why don’t you come back to our blanket and brush up on math problems, or maybe snack on some edamame?”
*If your kid follows you back then I can’t relate to you- and I bet we’re not friends.

- You MUST wave to the other parents at least once, shrug, and mouth the words “she loves you”, making sure to follow it with a “Yikes, I’m so sorry” look.  If they don’t return it with an, “Oh, no problem” shake of the head then you’ve screwed up somewhere. Revisit steps 1 & 2.

 

By following the above steps you should be able to read a book, play UNO, get a tan, or brush up on your bartending skills, all with little interruption. That reminds me of my last point…pack drinks in a quality thermos as it’s vital that you keep your beverages ice cold. I can’t stress this enough! Sure, a quality thermos costs more than a repurposed Turkey Hill Iced Tea container but it’s worth the investment. No one wants to drink a warm margarita while watching another mom plead with your child to stop throwing sand in her eyes- it’s a buzz kill.

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