“How to Quinoa” giveaway! And the winner is…

Quinoa- Win A Signed Copy!

Last week, many of you entered to win the cleverly hysterical book “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter” by Tiffany Beveridge. And let me just say, you, dear readers, offered up some wonderful fashion advice in the comments section. With wisdom like “Don’t mix & match your coffee stains” and “Camel Toe is a Camel NO!”, I’m well on my way to becoming a fashion icon! The only left to do is sit on my shag carpet and wait for the velour tracksuit to come back in style…but I digress…

As promised, the winner of the personalized, signed copy was chosen by Playskool’s Elefun- because shouldn’t all of life’s big decisions be made by a plastic elephant?

Drum roll please…

 

Congratulations to the winner, you’ll be contacted this weekend!

If you’re not the winner, turn that frown upside down and buy the book here!

A Signed Book Giveaway!!!! What Would Quinoa Say?

Here’s an excerpt from an email I recently received:

 

fashion letter
FINALLY! Someone has finally recognized the panache with which I dress my children! About time.

 

wcp242
Just another Saturday on the asphalt catwalk.

 

Encouraged by Valerie’s belief in my god-like sense of style, I immediately began work on a kids’ fashion-backward clothing line.

 

Knowing that I wanted it to be eco-friendly and knowing that I wasn’t about to put a bra on to leave the house, I was able to source most of my materials from the recycling bin located in the back of our garage, next to the chemical fertilizer and under the “Monsanto for President!” signs. I then constructed a few sample dresses from the “non-wine stained” pile, and Trash 2 Sass was born!

 

After a frustrating photo shoot with Ana, I sent the pics to my friend’s Well-Dressed Imaginary Daughter, Quinoa, for feedback.

 

If you don’t know who Quinoa is then you’ve obviously been living under a pile of laundry with limited internet access. Seriously. Quinoa is only the most fashionable toddler ever, first taking Pinterest by storm…then the world, in her new book “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”.
how to quinoa1
“Based on the wildly popular Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter,How to Quinoa will take you on a tour of high fashion hilarity with snapshots and stories from the life of the world’s most influential toddler, plus tips and best practices to transform your own life and wardrobe from snore to roar. Quinoa will show you how to do every thing from raising a superior child to securing a compatible BFF. And from finding your own path to designer happiness to practicing on-trend hobbies like drinking flavored lemonades from mason jars. So, ask yourself this: Are you ready to Quinoa?” Amazon.com
*FYI – Do your kegels before reading this or you may just piss your pants.

 

Quinoa is the brain child (literally) of my friend and author, Tiffany Beveridge. Like really, Tiffany is my friend. Ok, maybe we’re not “our periods are in sync” friends, but we frequently hang out bra-less, and that requires a certain level of comfort, at least on my part.

 

Anywhoo, I sent her my fashion pics and crossed my fingers. This was Quinoa’s response:

 

It’s not uncommon for people to seek Quinoa’s advice for their back-to-school wardrobe. In fact, it shows a certain level of acumen, so Quinoa applauds you for reaching out.

 

News You Can Use:photo (51)
Quinoa loves this nod to the struggling newspaper industry with a simple newsprint shift dress. The cerulean belt is a nice touch. However, Quinoa recommends moving away from the obituary and crossword sections and more towards front page news (a financial scandal story, if possible). The Pop Tart shoes are an interesting choice. And by interesting, Quinoa means wrong. Paper should never be paired with cardboard.

 

It’s In the Bag: photo (50)
As someone who is continually surrounded by a staff of stunningly beautiful mannies and au pairs, Quinoa understands developing innocent crushes on the help but these feelings should be trapped inside. What good could come from splaying your feelings across your chest? This completely gives away the upper hand and before you know it, that “babysitter” you “love” will be asking for things like minimum wage and holidays off. This simply can’t happen. Quinoa recommends destroying the dress and all evidence of its existence.

 

Oh, Quinoa, your advice never lets me down! It never quite builds me up either…

 

Now here’s the exciting part for you, dear reader…I’m giving away a copy of “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”!

 

But wait, there’s more! Because Tiffany is my BFF (Bra-less Friend Forever), she’s offered to sign the book with a personal message to the winner! I shit you not.

 

Who's the most fashionable child ever? Quinoa! Win a signed & personalized copy! The winner will be chosen via Elefun (a battery-operated elephant)...no fancy rafflecopter here!

 

To enter the giveaway, all you need to do is leave a comment with a bit of fashion advice, like this, “If you have saggy boobs, always check their alignment, making sure both nipple are pointing forward.” Honestly though, nothing’s worse than a booby version of lazy eye.

 

Once I have your name, I’ll write it on a tiny piece of paper, stick it down Elefun’s trunk, and have my daughter catch the winner with her butterfly net on Wednesday, August 20th. Yes, it’ll be videoed for authenticity.

 

elefun2
Sadly, how I make all my life choices.

 

Ready, dress, go!

This Season’s Hottest Summer Leg Hairstyles!

 

Spice up your summer with one of these trendy summer leg hairstyles! Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!

 

Tired of the same old ‘do? Are your limb locks looking limp? Well, good news, I’m here to give you some much needed insp-hair-ation! Today, I’ve rounded up some of my favorite summer leg hairstyles, complete with “How To’s” so you can create the look at home and spice up your summer style!

 

1. The Maxi Dress

Oh please, we all know what your leg hair looks like under that maxi dress!

This leg hairstyle is super simple and says “I’m ready for summer fun, daytime or nighttime, ’cause with follicle maintenance on the back burner, I ain’t got nothing but time!”

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Cultivate a “f@ck this bullshit” attitude.

step 2: Shampoo leg hairs.

Step 3: Blow-dry hair using fingers until it’s three-quarters of the way dry, then work in mousse from root to end, tousle and go!

2. The Capri

We all know what your leg hair looks like under those capris!

The Capri is a sassy summertime style for the woman who cares about the appearance of self-maintenance without all that pesky effort. Let your ankles scream “I’m sexy”, while leaving your calves plenty of time to watch Wheel of Fortune.

How to Get the Look:

step 1: Lather leg hairs.

step 2: Shave no more than 6 inches above the ankle.

Step 3: Apply a leave-in conditioner to the remaining hair, then blow-dry with a large round brush.

Step 4: Once hair is completely dry, run a styling cream through to separate strands creating a piece-y texture to prevent stiff hairs from poking through your polyester pants during book club.

step 5: Top the look off with peep toe shoes, painting only the toenails that show.

3. The Bermuda

We all know what your leg hair looks like under those shorts!

For the woman who wants to feel super sexy…but only from the top of the shins down! This style will take you from school drop-off to a romantic dinner for five at Applebee’s!

How to Get the look:

Step 1: Lather leg hairs.

Step 2: Shave from the ankles to that place where you usually cut yourself (also known as the kneecap).

Step 3: Blow Dry.

Step 4: With a medium-barrel iron, curl small sections all over thighs, then break them apart with fingers to create a wavy, imperfect texture. Use a fine-tooth comb to tease at roots then smooth over and comb upward towards the vagina.

4.The Swimskirt

We all know what your leg hair looks like under that swimskirt!

The “Swimskirt” because you’re more of a lawn boy than a bushwhacker

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Lather legs.

Step 2: Put on some Sarah McLaughlin and guzzle a dirty martini.

Step 3: Pull out a brand new razor and shave until you’d rather be “…in the arms of an angel…”

Step 4: Blow dry using a diffuser.

Step 5: Divide the pubic region into a few large sections. Using your biggest curling iron on each ,hold the iron vertically and wrap sections down the barrel—starting at mid-shaft and working your way to the back.

Step 6: Use texturizing balm or wax to separate strands and control fly-aways.

5.The Bikini

you actually took time to shave? how?

Well, well, you smug son-of-a-bitch…you’re the reason my husband says ridiculous things like, “I hear most women don’t french braid their leg hairs.” and goes around dropping hints like, “For the love of all that is good and holy, can’t you PLEASE shave?!”

How to Get the Look:

Step 1: Check the calendar. Is it your anniversary and/or your husband’s birthday? If YES, than continue to Step 2. If NO…umm…are you sure you really want to do this?

Step 2: Making sure the bathroom is clear of *cats, get naked and stand in the middle of an empty tub.

Step 3: Apply generous amounts of Nair to all areas of the lower body, and set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes.

Step 4: While standing there naked, cold, and vulnerable, take this opportunity to reflect on any regrets or bad decision you’ve made in your lifetime (maybe this is one of them?). Now imagine pouring Nair over all of that negativity. Feel it burning along with your skin. Can you smell the bad energy leaving the room? Yes, it does smell an awful lot like sulfur and calcium thioglycolate.

Step 5: Rinse with cool water & pat dry. Now dry your tears.

Step 6: Apply baby powder between your thigh to keep from squeaking when you walk.

*accidentally remove their fur once, and they’ll shit every time they see you put lotion on. Trust me.

No matter which style you pick, make sure to ROCK IT! Now get out there and show the world what you’re made of! (in my case, wine & sarcasm)

Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 - $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

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