Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (pt.3)



In case you missed the last couple posts, Disney (Part 1) and Disney (Part 2), I’m continuing our Disney trip with some more crappy pics.


Day 3 – Hollywood Studios

As you know, Frozen is all the rage right now, and nowhere in Disney is that more apparent than Hollywood Studios.

First we had to see the Frozen sing-a-long musical…which was AWESOME!


Then we moved like cattle to a building that contained EVERYTHING and ANYTHING Frozen. Though I couldn’t find the feminine product line-  a bloated Elsa on the box, with sled shaped pads and tampons dangling from her castle like icicles.


Ana swore she had to have this t-shirt-

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 I swore I would NOT pay this price-

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so we distracted her with something shiny and free. Snow.

Welcome to Wandering Oaken’s Frozen Snowground, where it’s always 40 degrees, and you delightfully slip and slide on recycled slush while wearing shorts.

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Brian screaming over “Do You Want to Build a Snowman”: Oh my god, how long do we have to stay here?

Collin: Can we go?

me: It’s timed, so I think 5 minutes maybe?

Collin: Can we go?

me to cast member: How long do they play in that cold stuff?

Collin: Can we go?

cast member: 15 minutes.

me: oh..no..no..no..no…. (my visible breath swirling into the shape of a dagger before plunging into my heart)

Collin: MOM! That little girl just hit me in the face with an iceball!


Who knew Hell would be so cold?


 Day 4 – Blizzard Beach

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Sadly, this was the only photo I was able to take all day because I had to leave my phone in the locker. But if I did have my camera, this is what I would have captured…

1. Brian losing our locker key in the Lazy River. He spent a half hour with security, breaking into our locker and relocating our belongings.

2. Brian then losing our Disney Gift Card (which we had just loaded with money) on Runoff Rapids. They had to close the ride and call a diver in to retrieve it. Thankfully, the ride was configured in such a way that those waiting in line at the top were unable to see why it was stopped. “I wouldn’t volunteer you’re the reason.” was the advice given to us by the attendant.

3. Me and my mother-in-law ordering a drink from the bar at 2 pm because it had already been a long day.


Trick or Treating in Celebration, FL


Ah, Celebration, Fl, the idyllic little town that Disney built.

Judging by the small number of homes with lights on, it seems that most of these residences are used as vacation homes. But the ones that did give out candy went fantastically overboard!

Our little Elsa, even found an Anna and Kristoff!



But here’s the weird thing…see that gate on their front porch? Almost all of the homes had them, like they were keeping us “out-of-towners” at a safe distance, off their porches and away from their breakables.

For a moment, I considered I might be paranoid, but then we came upon “jail house” where they pointed rifles and threw candy at us over a barbed wire fence.

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Something tells me this was a multifaceted design choice.


NEXT UP: Epcot and Disney Quest, then home…

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (part 2)



If you read my last post, then you know we just returned from Disney and that I have a bunch of crappy pics to share with you. But rather than bore you with perfectly staged pictures of my children (I actually don’t have any) in front of charming characters, I’m sharing a few of our crappier highlights…or low-lights, if you will.



Day 1 – The Magic Kingdom


“Kids, move a little to your right. I’m having trouble getting both the manhole and the trashcan in the picture.” is what I must have said.

Heading over to the Speedway ride:

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Collin begged me to let him drive…with me as his passenger. Tired of arguing with children, I agreed. After all, it’s on a track, how bad could he be?

Answer: VERY BAD

We were all over the road! Back and forth, forth and back, necks snapping, brains scrambling. I’m surprised the camera didn’t vibrate out of my hand.

How can he be this awful? I asked myself.

Then I turned to my right…

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 ”What? I’m driving with my knees. Isn’t that how dad does it?”

Day 2 – Animal Kingdom

Ahh, the majestic elephants of the safari tour…

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 who Ana completely ignored after circling the Elephant in her animal identification book.

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Turns out Ana’s not so much a “live in the moment” person as she is a “where’s the next freakin’ animal, so I can cross it off my list, receive my completion badge, and shove my superiority in my brother’s face” personality.

Me: Look, Ana! It’s a meerkat doing back flips off a dancing giraffe!

Her: If it’s the reticulated giraffe of Somalia, I already circled it. NEXT.

I wanted to pitch that damn book down a watering hole but, sensing my annoyance, she held it tightly.


After the safari, Collin convinced me to go on the rapids ride with him. You know, the one where you’re forced down and buckled into a warm, wet seat before it even begins? Well, just as we were about to head down the river, a giant bamboo branch cracked and fell from the trees behind us, smacking our 12 person raft as we passed. So they stopped the ride. For a long time. A very long time.

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While the Disney “cast members” ran in circles and took turns beating the cracked branch with a pool skimmer, my observation skills were kicking into high gear on our vessel.  For example, I learned that Gloria and Dwayne were in couples therapy, which was obvious, given the amount of air-quote “I feel” statements they were throwing around while arguing over Dwayne’s choice of not wearing a rain poncho. Gloria “felt” he was acting like a macho asshole. She also “felt” that his “stupid wet ass” would regret it when everyone saw through his white shorts, and why did he “feel” the need to wear white shorts anyway? Dwayne “felt” like she was being a “huge bitch” about the whole thing. And I “felt” like their therapist failed to fully explain the purpose of the “I Feel” exercise.


When Animal Kingdom closed at 5 pm, we drove to the nearby idyllic town of Celebration, a white picket fence community originally created by Disney.

One of the town’s churches was having a pumpkin patch fundraiser, meaning all the pumpkin sales and any donations would go to a local women’s shelter. I suggested we make a donation since there was no way we were lugging a pumpkin through the airport. But noooo, Ana begged for a pumpkin, a huge ass pumpkin, and Brian gave in seeing as how we’d be in Disney on Oct. 31 and “she won’t have a real Halloween this year”    Won’t have a real Halloween this year?   Seriously? Who is she, Tiny Tim?

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I should mention that moments before this picture was taken (and almost every moment leading up to it), Brian was bathing our kids in hand sanitizer and anti-virus prayers. The result…

Me, taking the picture: Ready? 1…2…3…

Brian: Cheese!

Collin: Cheese!


I, and everyone around me, was horrified.



More pics on the next post. Oh we’re not done…


The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney 2014 (part 1)



We just returned from a fun and EXHAUSTING week at Disney World, and I have a ton of crappy pics to share with you…but just not today, I was up ALL night with Ana. Blah. Unfortunately, along with her new stuffed animals, t-shirts, and Mickey ears, Ana flew home from Florida with a sad little fever. The entire flight was spent with me silently pleading with her to not tell surrounding passengers about both her fever and that her favorite place to visit was Africa (in Epcot). “Just pick one to talk about. Not both.”

Anyway, before I attempt to nap, I thought I’d share at least one pic, our very first pic in Disney. It sets the “crappy” bar pretty high.

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To truly appreciate the level of crappiness happening here, let’s break this photo down by asking a few composition related questions:

Is there a trash and/or sewage element incorporated into the picture’s focal point?


Yes there is. Both, in fact!

Does the background contain a random person inexplicably laying on the asphalt?


Why, yes it does. And it appears she’s receiving a back massage because why not? We’re in America.

Does the subject(s) appear to have the exact opposite of a relaxed and natural stance?


I’d say so. I can’t imagine it gets more rigid than this.

And finally, does the subject’s expression make you ask “WTF? Is he passing a Lego?”

disney 5It does…it certainly does.

Read Disney- Part 2 here


Did you get your BAD ASS t-shirt from  Imagination T’s yet? Get it today!

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Free Advice Friday! My kids wakes up at 5 AM! Help!

Dear Kim, My son is a total A-hole. He has decided 5:00 am will be the new wake up time and shrillingly yells and stomps all over that it’s “wake up time” In. Every. Room. He’s 2 1/2. Brother 4, sister 5. Is there any rule somewhere, either for or against, plopping them in front of the TV and letting the crew of Paw Patrol take the lead while I pretend to watch/snooze on the couch for another hour?? I’m pretty sure this isn’t a pediatrician approved way for my kids to start the day but somewhere in the mom book, just for a a few months, is there an emergency pass?? Tell me there is!!

Dear Kim,

My son is a total A-hole. He has decided 5:00 am will be the new wake up time and shrillingly yells and stomps all over that it’s “wake up time” In. Every. Room. He’s 2 1/2. Brother 4, sister 5. Is there any rule somewhere, either for or against, plopping them in front of the TV and letting the crew of Paw Patrol take the lead while I pretend to watch/snooze on the couch for another hour?? I’m pretty sure this isn’t a pediatrician approved way for my kids to start the day but somewhere in the mom book, just for a a few months, is there an emergency pass?? Tell me there is!!

Mourning my sleep in Minnesota



Dear Mourning,

Yes, there is a rule, it’s called the “Do whatever the hell you need to do to be a somewhat healthy & functioning parent” rule. For me, that means completely dressing my 5 year old for school, THE NIGHT BEFORE. She totally drags ass in the morning, and I was about to go bonkers insane before coming up with this questionably brilliant solution. Here she is getting ready for bed:

“Nightie-night! It’s going to be a cold one tomorrow.”

ana snowCome 8:15 am, I just stick a Pop Tart in her mouth and roll her to the bus stop.

What I’m trying to say is, if your sanity rests on plopping your 2 year old in front of the TV so you can snooze for another hour, then GO FOR IT!  Besides, TV isn’t all bad- how do you think my kids learned their letters and numbers? Me? Ha! All the credit goes to Sesame Street. Of course, they now sound like Count von Count, “Vun, Doo, Thrrrree! Mommy bought thrrrree bottles of wine! ah…ah…ah…”  An unfortunate side effect, but we’re looking into speech therapy.

But if damaging your child’s developing brain with television is a real concern, then might I suggest toys? Yes, toys.  Go to a thrift shop, purchase a bunch of crappy toys, disinfect them until your hands bleed and the bleach makes your skin translucent, then put a new toy in your darling’s room each night while he’s sleeping.  In the morning, he’ll be so into the new toy that he’ll totally forget about his carefully crafted plans of mental and emotional domination.

This appeared in Ana’s room after one particularly exhausting evening:


Do you have any idea how long it takes to color a house that big? At one point, she didn’t leave her room for a week, and we almost missed her bitching.

Mourning, I hope I’ve given you some encouragement and/or solutions to help turn your little A-hole into a little Angel. TV, toys, coloring books, whatever you need to do, do it! Oh, and make sure to hook a Clapper up to your television- no reason you should get out of bed.

Now put on Paw Patrol and get some rest!



I’d like to send a BIG SHOUT OUT to my newest sponsor Imagination T’s!

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