As the Wheels on the Bus go Round and…

first day of kindergarten

 

Ana’s Kindergarten Timeline

day 1 – While on the bus, Ana finds the extra pair of underwear that I packed in her backpack. She then places it on her head and twirls around. Brandon, her seatmate, is wildly impressed and begs to become her boyfriend. She grants him his wish.

day 4 – Ana says Brandon’s been very aloof, staring out the window and not answering her when she calls to him. Determined to avoid a relationship built on neglect and rejection, she starts sitting with quiet Billy. Quiet Billy lets her do most of the talking and that suits her just fine.

day 6 - Today, the bus driver tells Ana that Brandon’s name is really Cameron. Good news: He wasn’t ignoring her, he just didn’t realize she was talking to him. Bad news: Their time has passed, she’s already recommitted herself to quiet Billy. At least, she thinks his name is Billy.

day 8 – She finds herself missing Cameron or, more specifically, missing his appreciation of her toilet humor. But at the same time, she’s equally fond of quiet Billy’s tremendous listening skills. To her, the solution was simple. “You can both be my boyfriend!” she proposes while putting an arm around each.

day 9 – Cameron and Billy sit together, giving Ana the cold shoulder.

 

Me- “You sit by yourself now?”

Ana – “Yeah, Cameron and Billy don’t like me anymore so I had to break up with them.”

Me – “You know, you don’t need a boyfriend…like ever.”

Ana – “I don’t want to talk about it.”

And this is just Kindergarten. Lord help us.

Weekend in Crappy Pics: Labor Day at the Beach

 

You guys, I’m not exaggerating when I say that the ride to the beach was a disaster! Without going into too much detail (because certain family members would AND SHOULD be embarrassed by their behavior), let’s just say that it started with Ana screaming, escalated to others screaming, tapered off with a lot of crying, and ended with a mass silent treatment- everybody not talking to ANYBODY.

LET THE VACATION BEGIN!

Here are a few highlights:

Miniature Golf

Miniature golf began like every other fun-filled family activity, with smiles and good intentions.

photo 1

Then, like every other fun-filled family activity, it quickly unraveled …

ana golf mad

It could have been her ball was the wrong shade of pink, or that I opened her water bottle even though she’s “…A KINDERGARTNER NOW AND NOT A BABY!”  I can’t remember, I just know that we decided to ignore her, hoping she’d get out of her funk.

It was somewhere around hole #12 that I no longer sensed her intense anger trying to ignite my body with the heat of a thousand suns. In fact, I felt nothing but a cool breeze- and that’s how I knew she was gone.

Panicked, we quickly spread out in a familiar and often executed Search & Rescue Arc Formation, sweeping the perimeter and conducting a thorough search as we returned to home base.

At  approximately 1:07 pm, she was found in a roped off area, sitting on a mushroom and contemplating her awful, unfair life.

ana on a mushroom

Lunch Date

My mother-in-law was kind enough to take the kids to the pool so Brian and I could go on a romantic lunch date….apparently with this lady.

lady reading

OMG! The moment we were seated, this lady turns towards me, leans into our table likes she’s about to tell me a secret, and starts reading a book! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’d rather hear the secret.

At one point, our table cloth interfered with her pages.

lady reading3

Do these things happen to other people or do I unknowingly cast some kind of crazy net?

Tennis

Brian’s mom had a tennis date with 2 other players and Brian offered to play as the 4th. He then proceeded to talk smack to his 70 year old competitors, throwing comments like “I’m going to run circles around you!” and “Bring it on, old man!”  His competitiveness has no limits…or tact.

Not so secretly, I was hoping they’d kick his ass, proving that you can’t judge a book by its cover and that age is just a number and all that crap. Unfortunately, he was terrific.

Brian tennis

The Bay

We decided to forgo the Labor Day beach crowd and drove to the bay.

photo 2 (4)

“Hey, this place is great! Why don’t we come here more often? Wait, what’s that smell?”

If you look behind Brian, you’ll notice a pile of dead and decaying horseshoe crabs who had washed on the shore to mate…then die.

Prehistoric ‘sex on the beach”

horseshoe crabs

Funland on the boardwalk

photo 1 (2)

The blur of this picture captures the way Funland makes me feel- chaotically crazed. In fact, I picture Hell as one long carnival ride line, teenagers pushing and shoving while little kids lick rusty railings and drip ice cream on my feet.

But then I look at this face and think “It’s all worth it.”

photo 2 (2)…and then I step in vomit.

On The Way Home

Someone mentioned the word “nuts”, someone else thought they said “donuts”, and suddenly we were using the gps to track down the best donut shops in Dover, Delaware- thus, the 2014 “Fatty Detour” was born.

photo 3 (2)

*Did you know there’s a Dunkin Donuts almost every 2 miles?

“How to Quinoa” giveaway! And the winner is…

Quinoa- Win A Signed Copy!

Last week, many of you entered to win the cleverly hysterical book “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter” by Tiffany Beveridge. And let me just say, you, dear readers, offered up some wonderful fashion advice in the comments section. With wisdom like “Don’t mix & match your coffee stains” and “Camel Toe is a Camel NO!”, I’m well on my way to becoming a fashion icon! The only thing left to do is sit on my shag carpeting and wait for the velour tracksuit to come back in style…but I digress…

As promised, the winner of the personalized, signed copy was chosen by Playskool’s Elefun- because shouldn’t all of life’s big decisions be made by a plastic elephant?

Drum roll please…

 

Congratulations to the winner, you’ll be contacted this weekend!

If you’re not the winner, turn that frown upside down and buy the book here!

A Signed Book Giveaway!!!! What Would Quinoa Say?

Here’s an excerpt from an email I recently received:

 

fashion letter
FINALLY! Someone has finally recognized the panache with which I dress my children! About time.

 

wcp242
Just another Saturday on the asphalt catwalk.

 

Encouraged by Valerie’s belief in my god-like sense of style, I immediately began work on a kids’ fashion-backward clothing line.

 

Knowing that I wanted it to be eco-friendly and knowing that I wasn’t about to put a bra on to leave the house, I was able to source most of my materials from the recycling bin located in the back of our garage, next to the chemical fertilizer and under the “Monsanto for President!” signs. I then constructed a few sample dresses from the “non-wine stained” pile, and Trash 2 Sass was born!

 

After a frustrating photo shoot with Ana, I sent the pics to my friend’s Well-Dressed Imaginary Daughter, Quinoa, for feedback.

 

If you don’t know who Quinoa is then you’ve obviously been living under a pile of laundry with limited internet access. Seriously. Quinoa is only the most fashionable toddler ever, first taking Pinterest by storm…then the world, in her new book “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”.
how to quinoa1
“Based on the wildly popular Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter,How to Quinoa will take you on a tour of high fashion hilarity with snapshots and stories from the life of the world’s most influential toddler, plus tips and best practices to transform your own life and wardrobe from snore to roar. Quinoa will show you how to do every thing from raising a superior child to securing a compatible BFF. And from finding your own path to designer happiness to practicing on-trend hobbies like drinking flavored lemonades from mason jars. So, ask yourself this: Are you ready to Quinoa?” Amazon.com
*FYI – Do your kegels before reading this or you may just piss your pants.

 

Quinoa is the brain child (literally) of my friend and author, Tiffany Beveridge. Like really, Tiffany is my friend. Ok, maybe we’re not “our periods are in sync” friends, but we frequently hang out bra-less, and that requires a certain level of comfort, at least on my part.

 

Anywhoo, I sent her my fashion pics and crossed my fingers. This was Quinoa’s response:

 

It’s not uncommon for people to seek Quinoa’s advice for their back-to-school wardrobe. In fact, it shows a certain level of acumen, so Quinoa applauds you for reaching out.

 

News You Can Use:photo (51)
Quinoa loves this nod to the struggling newspaper industry with a simple newsprint shift dress. The cerulean belt is a nice touch. However, Quinoa recommends moving away from the obituary and crossword sections and more towards front page news (a financial scandal story, if possible). The Pop Tart shoes are an interesting choice. And by interesting, Quinoa means wrong. Paper should never be paired with cardboard.

 

It’s In the Bag: photo (50)
As someone who is continually surrounded by a staff of stunningly beautiful mannies and au pairs, Quinoa understands developing innocent crushes on the help but these feelings should be trapped inside. What good could come from splaying your feelings across your chest? This completely gives away the upper hand and before you know it, that “babysitter” you “love” will be asking for things like minimum wage and holidays off. This simply can’t happen. Quinoa recommends destroying the dress and all evidence of its existence.

 

Oh, Quinoa, your advice never lets me down! It never quite builds me up either…

 

Now here’s the exciting part for you, dear reader…I’m giving away a copy of “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”!

 

But wait, there’s more! Because Tiffany is my BFF (Bra-less Friend Forever), she’s offered to sign the book with a personal message to the winner! I shit you not.

 

Who's the most fashionable child ever? Quinoa! Win a signed & personalized copy! The winner will be chosen via Elefun (a battery-operated elephant)...no fancy rafflecopter here!

 

To enter the giveaway, all you need to do is leave a comment with a bit of fashion advice, like this, “If you have saggy boobs, always check their alignment, making sure both nipple are pointing forward.” Honestly though, nothing’s worse than a booby version of lazy eye.

 

Once I have your name, I’ll write it on a tiny piece of paper, stick it down Elefun’s trunk, and have my daughter catch the winner with her butterfly net on Wednesday, August 20th. Yes, it’ll be videoed for authenticity.

 

elefun2
Sadly, how I make all my life choices.

 

Ready, dress, go!
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