Spicy Cucumber Margarita Recipe! ….and it’s “relatively” low-cal!

spicy cucumber margarita



Do you remember my post on Monday, where I told you that I was obsessed with creating the most perfect and somewhat healthiest margarita on the planet, and that my family went the entire weekend without warm food or motherly love while I obsessed over my newest obsession?



I don’t mean to suggest that this recipe is the end-all-be-all, but last night I dreamt that I had to give a presentation on something that changed my life…I gave a this margarita demonstration.

Spicy Cucumber Margarita


8 ounces blanco or silver tequila (clear)

4 limes

1 cucumber

1 orange

1 jalapeno

2 T agave syrup



1. pour 8 oz of tequila in a pint glass, slice & de-seed the jalapeno, then throw it in the tequila and muddle. Strain tequila into a pitcher and set aside.

2. cut each lime in half and completely juice those suckers. pour into the pitcher.

3. cut orange in half and juice it until you get 1/2 cup. pour into the pitcher.

4. juice the cucumber. pour into pitcher.

“How do I juice a cucumber?” you ask. Ok, this is where my ‘special’ kind of thinking really shines.

Simply shove a 1 inch cucumber slice into a lime carcass, juice it & repeat!

juice a cucumber

I’m trying to be humble here, but damn…I’m a goddamn genius!

5. add 2 tablespoons of agave nectar to the pitcher.

6. Make a wish, blow a kiss, and shake that pitcher with unbridled passion! (I guess now’s a good time to suggest you use a pitcher with an airtight lid.)

7. Serve on the rocks with a salt & cayenne rim & enjoy!

8. Sing my praises.

I did the math, and by using fresh juices and eliminating the Triple Sec, this yummy margarita will only set you back 35 calories an ounce! Of course, you could save more calories by using less tequila, but that’s just ridiculous. I’d rather forgo dinner.


After you’ve poured yourself a spicy margarita, check out Freckles and Curse Words…she’ll walk you through a woman’s depressing but hilarious bra continuum! I’m in the full-supportive bra stage. waaaahhhh

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

On Friday, Brian received change from a New Jersey tollbooth, then came straight home to boil his hands.


Friday night, I spent the majority of the evening creating the perfect spicy cucumber margarita, meanwhile my family wondered when or if they’d get dinner.


On Saturday, I was motivated by the warm weather to Nair my legs.

wcp232 nair

The directions said to leave it on my hair for 3-6 minutes but, like well established trees, I knew that their roots ran deep…very very deep.  So about twenty minutes later, when the smell of burnt skin and shame became unbearable, I rinsed it off only to find what looked like snow angels carved into my lady bits. That shit gets EVERYWHERE.

Later, I made another batch of margaritas.


 That afternoon, I took those margaritas over to our neighbor’s new lake property…


You know how you shouldn’t drink & drive? Well, I can’t imagine drinking & scaling great heights should be encouraged either.

wcp233 hill1

On Sunday, we went to my mother’s house to celebrate my nephew’s first birthday.  Everyone seemed to have forgotten that it was an ice cream cake, until a puddle had formed and the sides were landsliding off.

wcp234 cake

About 15 minutes after taking this picture, the cake slid off the tray, forcing me to catch it with my bare hands! Some say I was a hero that day. But if truth be told, saving fattening food is nothing more than an involuntary response for me, like breathing or drinking wine.

Then I went home and made some more margaritas.


Recipe to come on Wednesday!

How was your weekend?

Looking for a special PERSONALIZED GIFT? Check outwww.GiftsForYouNow.com for awesome ideas!

Check out this adorableness! 


Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

As you may know, I simply adore oaky chardonnays which, according to fou-fou wine forums, pretty much makes me the white trash of the wine world. Ok, maybe not “loves white Zinfandel” or pronounces Merlot as “Mer-LOT” wine trash, but wine trash none-the-less. Well guess what? They can suck it!

Today, I give to you my current fave…muirwood

Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco, 2012 – $12.99


Winemaker’s Notes

 A full-bodied Chardonnay with a generous helping of Golden Delicious apple and buttered pear flavors. Savory and delicious on its own; an apple-stuffed pork loin would be an ideal food pairing.


Liquor World forum reviews

“When Chardonnay comes to mind people generally think of medium/light bodied wines that don’t have overbearing tastes. This wine just has way to strong an Oak taste and is not an overall satisfying taste for most drinkers.” – Polar Vortex   Too strong an oak taste? Oak taste not satisfying for most drinkers? SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, Polar Vortex! You (and the weather you were named after) can go to Hell.

“I don’t know why the words citrus or tropical are in the description, but if you like a heavier fully bodied chardonnay, this one is worth a try and won’t break the bank. It has a very nice finish that doesn’t leave you wanting a glass of water later, but rather you are content with the flavor of the wine lingering on your pallet.  Usually, I enjoy a white wine but then find myself getting something else to drink later.” – Cab Clown I was right there with you, Cab Clown…but when you got to the part about drinking water instead of wine, quite frankly, I became disoriented and confused. I also felt some anger surfacing.

“You know I almost hate to do this cause when you hit a winner like Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco you almost want to keep it hush hush it’s THAT GOOD. Kim Crawford used to be my go to Char in the 10 buck club but not now. ~~Waves~~ good bye to Kimmy.”  - AdMan  Oh SNAP, AdMan! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Kimmy.


Kim’s Notes: Plump, smooth, and round…everything I imagine an Italian mother to be.

Unlike Polar Vortex, I didn’t find the oak taste to be overbearing.  In fact, I loved it IN SPITE of it not having a super oaky flavor. This is the kind of wine you could drink all night…until you realize that the bottle’s almost gone, so then you cork it and put the last 2 ounces back in the refrigerator just so you can tell yourself “If I had a drinking problem, I would have finished it.” You can trust me on this, I’ve sampled it A LOT.

Pairs well with pork rinds and menstrual cramps.

Are you about enter the 10th Circle of Hell this week? You know, bathing suit shopping.  If so, don’t do it without reading this hilarious story first! www.FrecklesAndCurseWords.com

The Weekend in Crappy Pics



On Friday, we went to a fancy Japanese restaurant for dinner. Given that Ana was rushed to the hospital last weekend while Brian and I were out to dinner, we decided to take the kids with us.

Once we arrived at our destination, it was apparent that the parking situation sucked. Hungry and not wanting to be late for our reservation, we ended up parking in a grocery store lot with signs everywhere that clearly stated “Parking for Acme Customer’s Only. All Others Will Be Towed.”

“They won’t tow us.” said Brian

And then we got out of the car.

wcp227 towtruck

And then we all shit our pants.

Then we got back into the car and drove away.

But on our third twirl around the city streets, we realized that the tow truck wasn’t waiting for violators…it was there to help some poor humiliated fool….

wcp220 cartow

(Of course, it had to be a blonde. Listen, if you’re always doing stupid shit, do me a favor and dye your hair brown. I’m tired of the stigma.)

So then we drove back into the Acme parking lot, and I vowed to buy toilet paper after dinner…just in case Karma was listening.

It was a beautiful restaurant, very posh, very urban, very NOT KID FRIENDLY. How do I know this? Well…

1. When we walked in, a patron paused mid dirty joke, took one look at our kids and said “That’ll be a $5 cover charge.” while another diner mumbled, “Great, there goes ‘Happy Hour’.” (yes, he used air quotes)

2. When ordering:

Me to waiter: “Do you have a kid’s menu?”

Waiter: “No.”

Me: “Um…ooookay…she’ll have the Kobe sausage on some sort of bread shaped into a bun, with ketchup instead of mustard aoili, and a side of Duck Fries without the duck. Oh, And a small milk.”

Waiter: “I’m not sure we have milk, but I’ll check.”

Me: “If not, just bring her some coffee creamer and I’ll dilute it with the $10 artesian spring water.”


I should have memorized my friend Jenn’s (somethingclever2point0.com) “Should I Bring My Baby to This Restaurant” Flow Chart. Read it, save yourself from being “those assholes”.

On Saturday, I put on a new pair of yoga pants…and to my horror I realized that they required a considerable amount of leg shaving above the ankle. Something I wasn’t prepared for this early in the season.

wcp222 shave zone

For a moment, I considered shaving just between the lines, but then I was like “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), don’t be so goddamn lazy.” I ended up doing the whole rectangular area.

After the gym, we drove around the neighborhood for a good 15 minutes, waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses to pass our house.


When we arrived home, I found myself staring at the staple in Ana’s head…

Yes, I was given strict instructions to take the staple remover tool to her follow-up doctor’s appointment for “staple removal”, but as a crafter and hardcore DIY-er, I couldn’t help but think “How hard can it be?” And after watching a 1:53 minute YouTube video, I felt completely qualified.

wcp228This won’t hurt a bit, I bet my dead cat’s life on it.

No sooner did I have it pulled out…”ding-dong”. It was the missionary. Apparently, he was making a second pass.

On Sunday, we played a game of 4-square in our driveway while Brian bitched about no one following the rules, like he’s on a 4-Square League or something. Then we took a family walk to the park.


Look at that outfit. It practically screams “Hooray! My mom no longer gives a shit!”

Upon returning home, I made a healthy & delicious meal for my family, including this homemade pesto that I blended myself….


Want to know what the secret ingredient is? Wooden spoon.

wcp225 spoon

Seeing as it had a tip prior to going into the blender, it was most likely pureed.

Of course, I served it to my family without telling them, they’d never eat it if I did. Besides, they need their fiber.

Throughout the meal, Brian kept saying things about my pesto, like “It’s missing an ingredient.” and “It needs something else.” So I kept replying with things like “Oh, yeah? What WOOD that be?” and “Really? I WOODEN think so.” Unfortunately, he wasn’t in a position to appreciate my cleverness, so all I could do was to laugh on the inside…and not eat the pesto.

How was your weekend?


Looking for a special PERSONALIZED GIFT? Check outwww.GiftsForYouNow.com for awesome ideas!


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