Friday night, I took Collin to his football practice, but I couldn’t tell you how he did because I spent the entire two hours wondering who our Jesse Pinkman was texting and if there was meth in that backpack.
On Saturday, Brian had a cigar event starting a noon,
which meant I had to take Collin to his football game….with Ana. Can I just say that even with the helmet, shoulder pads, water bottle, cleats, etc., Collin requires waaay less shit for a football game than Ana.
Here, I’ve taken the liberty of emptying her “game bag” for you:
After plopping down her pink princess chair, she got to work displaying her goods in an attempt to capture potential playmates, not unlike the clever alligator snapping turtle who uses its worm-shaped tongue to lure unsuspecting prey.
Collin’s game ending up being a deee-saster, with his team losing 21-6. The other team was all business…all brutal business.
At one point, five players were sitting on the bench with injuries.
After football, we drove to the area’s largest indoor Farmer’s Market to shop and grab some lunch.
We weren’t in the building 5 minutes when I saw something so horrific that it caused me to simultaneously clutch my chest and shit my pants….Ana was about to enter a ceramics shop!
Wanting to stop her, but realizing that my typical “DON’T DO IT!” might startle her, making the shelves to go down like dominoes, I quickly adopted an approach one might use to talk a would-be jumper down from the Brooklyn Bridge.
Me: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, Ana, You don’t want to go in there, it’s so dusty.
Ana: Yes I do.
Me: Well, how’s about we first take a picture of you in front of the beautiful ceramics?
Ana: Ok. Then we go in?
Me: Of course we do, silly!
Me: Ok, now move a little to your left…a little more…one more step…GRAB HER, COLLIN!
On Sunday, I dropped Ana off at birthday party over at my friend’s house. I would have stayed, but the forethought she put into the adorable DIY decorations and activities was making me extremely nauseous. So I left and had sushi while Ana designed a 100% certified organic cotton tie-dye t-shirt and created a modernistic painting on canvas depicting the evolution of idealistic love existing within the vacuum of the My Little Pony social hierarchy.
After the party, I took her fishing…fishing for compliments. She showed that painting off in every store we went into:
the wine store (sounds classier than “liquor store”)…
the craft store (this is where she expected the compliments to really fly)
and Staples, where the cashier failed to recognize the not-so-subtle way she was waving the painting around, forcing her to throw it on the conveyor belt and ask, “Do you like it?” She was disgusted by his ignorance, but took the compliment anyway.
How was your weekend?
