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The Weekend in Crappy Pics – The scariest phone call of our lives…

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On Friday night, we put the kids into Kid’s Night Out at the gym and headed to fancy seafood restaurant for dinner.

As a self-confessed hypocrite, I enjoyed eating my freshly caught fish while glaring at the “horrible” woman callously executing lobsters behind me.

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“Look at her, no regard for life!”  *nom nom nom*

It was while Brian was in the bathroom that my cell phone rang and we received the scariest call of our lives. It was the gym.

A young Kid’s Night Out counselor informed me that Ana had hit her head on the pool…

that her head was bleeding…

that she couldn’t follow the life guard’s finger…

that an ambulance was on its way.

no no no, this can’t be happening.

Surprisingly, I asked very few questions, not even bothering to clarify exactly what her condition was. I suppose, in my mind, if he didn’t offer that information it was because either he didn’t know the answer OR it was so awful that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me. I knew if I had any chance of holding it together, I couldn’t risk hearing the worst. So instead, I focused on the logistics – How long ago? What Hospital? Where’s Collin? Is someone riding with her?

On the way to the hospital, Brian peppered me with questions that most normal people would have thought to ask (How did it happen? How bad is her head? Was she unconscious? Who got her out of the water?). But all I could do was to sit frozen in time, repeating the phrase “I don’t know.” In fact, the only thing I did know was that we had to get to the hospital before the ambulance did. We had to be there waiting for her.

It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to arrive…then to pull in…then to back up. I wanted to scream! I found myself gravitating towards the ambulance doors before it even had a chance to come to a complete stop.

As soon as one of the paramedics opened the door, he smiled at me and said “She’s fine. She’s watching Peppa Pig.”

Breathe.

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We’re still unsure what happened, as no one but Ana’s friend saw what happened. But according to her, a little girl threw something across the pool and it struck Ana in the head.

I’ll tell you what, that little girl has a hell of an arm on her because they needed a staple to close the wound.

On Saturday, we did absolutely nothing, except light a fire, cuddle, and feel grateful.

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On Sunday, we did the exact same thing. Plus we watched Frozen.

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and I taught Ana a new word…

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Today, get this…Ana has a fever, a virus she no doubt caught from Kids Night Out. Normally I’d say “Poor girl, she can’t catch a break”, but honestly, we’re all feeling pretty damn lucky.

How was your weekend? Hopefully not as dramatic as ours.

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

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So you know how I’ve been super SAD lately (Seasonal Affective Disorder), given that I live where Hell has actually frozen over? Well, I was super happy this past weekend…in sunny Florida…again!!!

I’m still coming out of a margarita/sunshine/feeding-my-fat-face haze, so I have little doubt that this edition of Weekend in Crappy Pics will come across as more disjointed than usual. Please bear with me. (For real, I accidentally drove Ana to her brother’s school this morning. They wouldn’t take her.)

 

On Wednesday, (yes, I know my title is ‘The Weekend in Crappy Pics”, sue me) Brian left for a work conference in Orlando, Fl.

On Thursday, I headed to the airport to catch the next plane out.

While standing in the security line, an announcement was made for a passenger to meet with one of the security officers.

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OOOHHHH, a drug-sniffing dog! DAMN, it’s going to be a drug bust!!!!

I was so excited about witnessing a little ‘Breaking Bad’ action going down before me, yet a bit nervous about the possibility of getting caught in a shoot out. The last time I remember feeling so conflicted was when I had to drink a 2009 Caymus Special Selection Cabernet from the Napa region out of a red solo cup.

Officer: Sir, please go back to the luggage check-in, they found something in your luggage.

Guy: Was it my Creme Brulee torch?

WTF? Who the HELL brings a creme brulee torch on vacation? Better yet, who, in this day and age, brings a torch on a plane? Anyway, the guy came back to the line and informed everyone that he chose to throw away his creme brulee torch instead of taking it back to his car because “I have a ton of them at home.” ???

Anyhoo, I finally got on the plane only to realize that I was surrounded by flying newbies, and not the excited kind…

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They were so intertwined, they couldn’t even get their drink trays down. But I had no problem with mine…

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Good thing I had that drink too, because when we hit an air pocket, the 5 year old behind me yelled “We’re goin dooooown!” and the lady next to me dove into her boyfriend’s lap and started hyperventilating. That’s when I decided to rent “Gravity” and tune out everyone around me.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why would you watch an awesome 3-D movie like Gravity on one of those tiny headrest tv’s?” or you could be thinking, “Why the hell would you watch a movie about things going wrong in space while you’re on a plane? Would you go on a cruise and watch the Titanic?” Yeah, I probably would.

But here’s why…

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See how the space station is shaking in that pic…we actually had plane turbulence during that scene! 3-D? More like 4-D!

Plus, I had a barf bag handy.

After arriving in Orlando, I knew Brian was going to be unavailable all day so I rented a car, drove to my favorite little town, bellied up to a bar, and had a nice blackened Mahi-Mahi sandwich and beer.

It’s no secret that I attract some of the most “interesting” people. This guy included…

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I learned a lot from him that day:

1. To boil any and all water before drinking or bathing in it, otherwise I will become forgetful and my insides will rot.

2. To avoid breathing in black mold and consuming rust (I kinda knew this one)

3. Only buy a house if the front and back doors line up, so that air can flow through the house.

Luckily my leg had fallen asleep and I had to stick around a few minutes longer or I would have missed this gem…

4. If I’m going to drink and drive, I should do it during the day because at night there are less people on the roads, increasing my odds of getting caught.

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After arriving at the hotel, Brian pointed out a gift bag that was left at his door. It contained a bunch of promotional information that appeared to be tailored towards the Restaurant & Hospitality industry, including conference materials.

Me: I think this was delivered to the wrong room. We should probably return it.

Brian: Really? Because it included this bottle of wine *holding up a bottle*

Me: I…I could be wrong.

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On Friday morning, I looked out of our window and saw the most spectacular thing ever!

Me: Oh my god! Brian! Get over here! They have these little white things roaming around the golf course! I think they’re like Roomba vacuums but for cutting the grass! Brilliant! (I began to wonder if these were available through retail channels or if they were strictly for commercial use)

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Brian: Jesus Kim, put on your glasses. They’re birds.

Wildlife and glasses have never been so disappointing.

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Friday afternoon and evening was spent shopping, checking out the gulf coast of Florida (beautiful!), and visiting my family.

On Saturday, Brian and I headed over to Epcot, where we were free to drink and eat ourselves around the world.

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The people watching was just a perk…

Me: Man, that kid’s really wailing!

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Brian: She’s probably crying over that outfit her parents stuck on her.

Brian: Hey, check out those solar system pants.

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Me: I bet guys walk up to her and say “Show me Uranus”. High five!

On the day of our marriage, who knew “Until death do us part” would be a total misconception? We’ll still be together even after death…in hell.

Here’s the crazy part…as we were people watching, we were actually being people watched! By this lady:

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Lady: Excuse me, are you two dating?

Me: Um, no. We’ve been married for 13 years.

Lady: Really? Well I’ve been sitting here observing you for a while (’cause that’s not weird) and I have to say, the way he just stares at you when you talk, well, he’s just so madly in love with you! I wish my husband would look at me like that, so intently. It’s like when Brad Pitt watches Angelina Jolie. I though for sure you were on a date.

Me: Aww, thanks.

Lady to Brian: Has anyone ever told you that you have bedroom eyes?

Brian: Thanks. I really have no idea what to say to that, but thanks.

The conversation went on and on about bedroom eyes and circled back to Brad & Angelina again and again. When we left, I was feeling pret-ty good about our relationship…and then Brian said, “From the moment she sat down, I KNEW she wanted to get our attention and strike up a conversation. That’s why I made sure to keep my eyes focused on you. It almost worked.”

Someday he’ll learn to leave well enough alone.

Sunday, we flew home.

They say it might snow on Thursday.

Brian says I looked depressed today.

I don’t want to talk about it.

How was your weekend?

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Weekend in Crappy Pics!

 

One word: SNUGGLES

Friday afternoon, Ana’s classroom bear, Snuggles, came home with her.

Apparently, it was our responsibility to show Snuggles a good time AND to return him in one piece on Monday morning. I had my concerns…

I was beyond stressed. Honestly, I’d rather her bring home a newborn baby as they seem to leave a bad taste in Bo’s mouth.
 
Friday night, we took Snuggles to a dive restaurant that I was dying to try because “You shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, Brian.”

But when the waitress escorted us to a room reeking of bleach and registering a frosty 50 degrees, I thought to myself, “Oh shit, this ain’t no Pulitzer Prize.”

Luckily, our meal had some “Huh, this isn’t bad.” along with a few “Try these, they’re kinda good.” moments.

On Saturday, Collin went to a 6 hour birthday party. Yes, 6 hours. And the rest of us did nothing, nada, zip, zilch, except sit around and snuggle with Snuggles.

On Saturday night, we invited Brian’s mom over for dinner (pizza). After dinner, we were sitting around the family room, enjoying a roaring fire, drinking some wine, and someone pointed out this game…

It had to be Brian’s mom because it’s been sitting there since Christmas 2012 and we’ve yet to acknowledge its existence. Even Mr. Bojangles walks around it.

So we played the game,

then put it back in the corner until next year.

On Sunday, it was 10 degrees with the wind chill. TEN DEGREES, PEOPLE! And Ana informed me that we had to take Snuggles to Smith Park because her teacher said that’s his favorite thing to do. Well, I explained to Ana that, as a bear, Snuggles was meant to eat and hibernate this time of year, and that maybe her teacher is trying to push her own agenda onto Snuggles.

“Shouldn’t we honor Snuggles’ natural instincts by eating leftover pizza and napping instead?”

“No.”

So I did what any good mother would do…I took her and that damn bear to the park. I also did what any selfish mother would do…I underdressed her so she’d freeze within minutes of arriving.

“Mommy, I can’t feel my hands. Can we go home now?”

Yes, it’s hard to hold the monkey bars when your fingers won’t bend. Mwahahahahaha!

Oh, and check out the static electricity generated by a cold, dry, plastic slide…

I still think Snuggles would have rather hibernated.

How was your weekend?

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

On Friday night, we were supposed to be celebrating Collin’s birthday by shooting zombies with paintball guns while riding on the back of a military vehicle, but Mother Nature had to shit all over our plans with rain.
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So instead, we had an impromptu house partaaay in our basement.

After guzzling a Cosmopolitan for emotional support, I opened the basement door and was immediately assaulted by blaring music, disco lights, and the stench of a thousand camels. It was like a frat party without the alcohol & hooking up. …I miss college (sigh)

I only made it halfway down the steps before turning around and swearing not to return until I either had another Cosmo or everyone left. And in an attempt to be somewhat responsible, I chose the latter…

The Aftermath

 

In their defense, it was my idea to write on the wall- I’m repainting the basement anyway (notice the big ass blue sample). HOWEVER, I totally meant for them to write “Happy Birthday” messages, I wasn’t prepared for:

 

Stick it to the man?

It’s not my fault unicorns poop?

Apparently, my fake dog shit party favors were entirely appropriate for his crowd.

 

On Saturday, Collin’s school had a Fall Festival. To give the appearance of being a contributing member of our community, I decided at the last minute to volunteer for the Crazy Hair booth. When signing up, I thought to myself, “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), you’ve spray painted tons of furniture, it’s probably just like that.” Except Candy Ass forgot that furniture doesn’t carry head lice. No wonder the position was open.

 

At least Ana seemed excited about it:

But somewhere in those 3 minutes she changed her mind…but I said, “Too damn bad.”

 

Sunday was Collin’s actual birthday and I served him breakfast in bed,-homemade waffles! We also had the following conversation:

 

Me to Collin: We can go anywhere you like for dinner.

Brian: (pulling me aside) Whoa whoa whoa! We just spent a crap load of money on a party and a Nintendo 3DS, now we’re spending money on a nice dinner?

Collin: I want to go to Taco Bell!

Brian: Great idea! Anything for you, buddy!

 

Cheapest birthday dinner ever!

How was your weekend?

 

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