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Weekend in Crappy Pics – Disney World!

October 28, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Hey there! How was your weekend? Well, we did NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, which I didn’t think was possible- yet here I am, unshowered and in the same yoga pants that I wore to bed Friday night. A true & shameful testament to laziness. But we just got back from a 5 day Disney World vacation, which is the equivalent of walking around the globe 3 times, so can you really blame me?

Instead of sharing my weekend in crappy pics (which would be me sitting on the couch eating nachos), I’m going to share some pics from our trip. But before you poke your eyes out, I’m not sharing “Happiest Place on Earth” park pics, you can go on www.disney.com for that. No, these are a little less than glamorous.

Week in Crappy Pics

When we checked in at the airport, Brian surprised me with a first class ticket…for just me! He was going to be sitting with the kids in our usual “Shitter Row” (last row next to the bathrooms) while I received first class attention.

Hooray! I was so happy!

And then I boarded the plane…

I could tell by his screaming, thrashing, and continuous back arching, little Oliver was not a fan of plane travel…or life. Luckily, wine is complementary in first class and my “I’m going to need a bigger glass.” was met with both sympathy and understanding by the flight attendant.

While drinking my second glass (we still hadn’t left the gate) and making small talk with Oliver’s mother (who struggled to contain him), I thought, “This isn’t so bad” and then I was proven wrong…

DAMN IT, OLIVER!

Wine everywhere, even on the baby. That kid smelled like liquor and rotten soy milk (he’s allergic to dairy), not a pleasant combination.

After rolling around the wet floor and saturating his pants with chardonnay and possibly urine, he climbed into my lap and sucked on the handmade designer pendent hanging around my neck.

But by then I was on my third glass, so I didn’t mind.

Our First Day – Magic Kingdom

She was so excited!

But the moment we entered the park something pissed her off. Maybe the heat? a hangnail? my breathing? Who knows.

Me – “Cheer up. Aren’t you excited to see Mickey Mouse?”

Ana – “No! I DON’T LIKE Mickey Mouse! And I HATE Disney World!”

I heard a sudden and collective gasp from the crowd- this was blasphemy!

Mothers rushed to cover their children’s ears, babies started crying, and men wearing fanny packs shook with newly discovered testosterone.

I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed her and ran. I ran fast and far from the Disney zealots until we reached a watering hole, then I stuck her in it to literally and figuratively cool off. Cinderella dress and all.

I’m pretty sure this was a Disney baptism in disguise because her demons were gone when we dried her off.

Day 2 – Epcot

We met up with my Aunt and cousins to enjoy Epcot’s Food & Wine Festival. Did you really think this trip was all about the kids? hahahaha

Being a responsible adult, I didn’t want to drink and drive Ana’s stroller so I had Collin push her around.

And she made him her stroller beotch!

Day 3 – Typhoon Lagoon Water Park

Yeah…no pics here. But trust me when I tell you that we (except Brian) snorkeled with Leopard Sharks, Sting Rays, and various fish. Ana was all about it, Collin needed a little convincing though:

Collin: So what’s in there?

Me: Leopard sharks and sting rays. It’s totally safe.

Collin: Oh, ok.

Collin: Wait a second…how did that Steve Irwin guy die again?

Me: Um…oh look, there’s Donald Duck!

Day 4 – Animal Kingdom

Animal Kingdom was great! But the real highlight was this:

The cops pulling us over on our way home.

Brian: Oh, great. I think they got me speeding

Kim: Nah, it was the red light you ran.

Brian: It could have been the illegal u-turn.

The policeman walked up:
Police Officer: I stopped you because your taillights aren’t working

He ended up giving us a warning because it was a rental car and we didn’t know how to use the headlights, and we were clearly clueless idiots.

But the best part of the whole thing was watching Brian’s parents slowly passing us by in their car, his dad shaking his head and his mom’s face pressed against the window, worried that her little boy was going to the slammer.

Day 5 – Hollywood Studios

Collin conquered a few rides that he refused to ride last time we were here.

And Ana was ecstatic to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse live as it featured all of her favorites, Sophia, Doc McStuffins, and Jake & the Neverland Pirates.

It was wonderful to see all the children clapping and dancing to the opening song. But then they announced technical difficulties and parents began quietly shitting their pants.

Thankfully, it was back up and running in less than 3 minutes. If it had lasted any longer, I’m convinced the kids would have stormed the stage.

Departure

We were sad to leave but, at the same time, we couldn’t walk one more mile, ride one more ride, or apply anymore Gold Bond medicated powder (we were all out).

How was our flight home? Well, no first class ticket for me BUT I was thrilled that we weren’t stuck in shitter row again! Our seats were actually located in the middle of the plane this time. What a nice change 🙂

Then I sat in my seat…

My “middle of the plane” seat was next to the “middle of the plane” toilet. Are your kidding me?! Here’s my view:

Remember this: there’s only one thing worse than Shitter Row, and that’s…Shitter Alley.

How was your weekend?

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Have you read about the worst Halloween costume ever? No? Then you gotta head over to The Shitastrophy! She’s absolutely nuts!

 

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Tips for Tuesday! Try it before you buy it!

August 20, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Today marks the first day of our family’s stay-cation! We’ve never actually taken a “vacation” where you drive around your house looking for interesting things to do. All of our car trips usually land us in the Costco parking lot, so I’m not sure if I’m capable of planning this right. Here’s what I have so far:

Day 1: Car shopping for Brian.

Day 2: We’ll strip the kids of all electronics, watch the detox set in, then send them on an 8 hr. tour of a working Amish farm.

Day 3: Visit local pet shops instead of the zoo because the zoo is too far and I have an eyelash extension appointment at 6:30 pm.

Day 4: Hershey Park. We’ll eat our weight in chocolate then blissfully throw it up on various rides.

Day 5: Pitch a tent and camp in our yard…specifically in the part of our yard occupied by the family room. And by “tent” I mean pillow fort.

Day 6: Clean up the yard day. This is where they can really show off some of those awesome agricultural skills they learned on Day 2!

 

I’m still finalizing our matching stay-cation outfits which are totally necessary, they make it easier to find one another in a crowd, like at the car dealership’s “Fall Back Into Savings” sale event.

As Brian and I were preparing for Day 1 (car shopping), my “Try It Before You Buy It” tip came to mind. So today, I’m re-sharing it with you! Oh, and please leave me some stay-cation ideas of your own as we don’t have Day 7 planned yet. Trust me, my kids would be ever so grateful.

 

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I’m a firm believer of the old adage “try it before you buy it”, and I don’t care what it is. Ice cream shop, ask for a spoon. A wine bar, ask for a sip. A book store, read a chapter while sitting in their bathroom stall. A restaurant,…well, you can’t really ask the chef to prepare a bite for you (that would be weird), but what you can do is look around the restaurant for someone eating what you’re thinking of ordering, and ask for a taste. However, DO NOT take more than 1 bite, people get all possessive about their food.

Yesterday, I decided to head out to research some of our upcoming household purchases. We’re currently in need of a stainless steel refrigerator, some outdoor furniture, and a new toilet for the upstairs bathroom. By the way, Brian won’t agree with any of this. His motto is: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, learn to live without it.

So I bribed Ana with the promise of purchasing a “cooperation” toy, and we drove out toward Lowes. On our way there, I called Dominoes and ordered a pizza for delivery.

Pizza Guy: Your address?

Me: Lowes, the Outdoor Living department. Second table on your left.

That’s right, I ordered a pizza. Why, you ask? Because we love to spend our summer evenings eating outdoors, I rarely cook, and TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

Ana and I both loved the look and feel of the tiles, however, I found that the uneven surface made my wine glass wobble a little bit, making me extremely uncomfortable. Granted, the customers gawking at us didn’t help. I bet this is how celebrities feel when they’re eating out.

After lunch we walked over to the appliance section to see if the leftover pizza and wine would fit in the stainless steel refrigerator that I had my eye on.

Damn it, the wine won’t fit. I guess it’s not meant to be GE.

 

HOLY SHIT! A dedicated wine holder! Wrap it up!

 

After eating and storing our food (and my wine) in our new fridge, it was time to check out the toilets.

Ana says “Urine for a real treat with this toilet seat! It’s Craptastic!”

 

It took her 5 toilets before she finally settled on this one- So remember, TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

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Free Advice Friday! What NOT to bring on a romantic vacation.

April 19, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

My husband and I are going to Mexico on our first “adults only” vacation since our kids were born. I’m so excited! I don’t even know what I should pack to make this a special and romantic trip. Do you have any advice?

Por Favor,

Judy

 

 

Dear Judy,

That’s wonderful! I believe that trips, without the children, are necessary for the preservation of the marital relationship. In fact, I used to advise my clients…wait…did I ever mention that I was a marriage counselor for a few weeks?

It was shortly after my WTF greeting card company folded, and I desperately needed some dough for my cat’s third anal cyst surgery. I thought to myself, “Sugar Lips (positive self talk), how can I get Mr. Bojangles to stop licking her ass?” and more importantly, “How am I going to pay for this surgery?”. Then it occurred to me, “I’m married, I have a Bachelors degree in psychology- why not be a marriage counselor?!”

Having just spent a shitload of money on business cards and letterhead for my greeting card company, I decided to name my practice “WTF Greetings Marriage Counseling”. Admittedly, the name created a bit of a buzz in our small Baptist community. And not the good kind of buzz. But I think it was my philosophy that eventually won over the church ladies: “Husbands, admit you’re wrong and you’ll both get along!”

Unfortunately, I believe it was my hours (MWF 2pm-3:45pm) that really killed my business. But hey, Guiding Light wasn’t going to watch itself.

I’m sorry Judy, I seem to have gone off topic. It happens.

Anyway, I’m not going to give you advice on what to pack, instead I’m going to give you advice on a few things NOT to pack. Trust me, this is going to save you embarrassment, money, and time. But mostly embarrassment.

1. Lavender scented bath salts– I don’t care if your pedicure lady swears it’s a “sexy aphrodisiac” for your hotel jacuzzi. Guess what, Xiaoling, customs thought your “sexy aphrodisiac” was a bag of sweet smelling cocaine and they were way too eager to see if I had more.

Riddle: What do customs and dentists have in common? Cavity searches, Xiaoling, cavity searches.

2. Sex toys & kinky lingerie – Whatever you’re into, keep that shit at home! And if you’re traveling internationally…forget it! They’ll open your suitcase in front of the whole plane and toss that crap around like it’s a damn Caesar salad, using “Judy’s lube” as the dressing. *traveler’s tip: hair conditioner and his electric toothbrush will do in a pinch.

3. Sneakers – Hahaha! Pahleeese! Your ass isn’t working out! Save the luggage space for a sombrero and some maracas.

4. A screwdriver– Don’t ask. just know mine was confiscated.

5. Sweet pics of your kids – Ugh. I guarantee, after 3 margaritas and a Kamikaze chaser, you’ll take one look at those “cherubs” in the photo and call home drunk. And during your drunken “I miz my baaabies” conversation, you’ll say something stupid like “Lawd knows, I didn’t mean to gets knocked up wid you, but I’m soooo glad I did!” Trust me, Judy, that phone call was nothing but a big fat therapy bill.

 

Judy, I hope you take my advice to heart. Remember, you can always buy something you forgot, but you can never forget anything you brought.

 

Adios!

Kim

 

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Florida – wine, cigars, & doggie style

March 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

 

Today, I’m sharing my Florida vacation (days 1 & 2) through photographs. And if you didn’t read about our flight, you can check it out here (if you care or you’re extremely bored).

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Brian was scheduled to be in meetings all of Wednesday afternoon and evening, so I drove out to Madeira Beach to meet up with my aunt, uncle, and cousin.

If you know me, you won’t be surprised to hear that I got lost. A trip that should have taken me 40 minutes at the most, took me almost 1.5 hrs, and that’s with the GPS. Honestly, when it comes to highways, exits, routes, signs, ugh, forget it! I need directions like “Hang a right at the Target. Follow that road until you get to the store where you bought those cute little headbands, then make another right. When you come to your third liquor store – the one that offers free tastings every Friday, veer to the left. It’ll be on the right, next to the house with the ugly pink shutters.”

So when my directions said “Exit in 1.5 miles, toward Boward County/Steel Rd (Rt. 76N)”, I naturally ended up in a strip club parking lot…

 

We’re not in Kansas anymore, boobies.

 

When I finally arrived, we headed out to a little French restaurant.

The Gulf Bistro

As the “guest of honor”, my family asked me to choose the wine for our table. Oh jeez, the pressure- I know jack-shit about French wine.

 

Me to the owner: What wine would you recommend?

French Owner: Well, what will you be having for dinner?

Me: I’m not sure yet.

French Owner: What kind of wine do you like?

Cousin Carla: Something foxy, yet unassuming.

French Owner: … ?

Me: What does that even mean? Isn’t that a contradiction?

Cousin Carla: I don’t know! I’m just trying to think of some adjectives.

Aunt Charline: Carla, let Kim do the ordering. She’s the expert, she writes wine reviews. (hahaha- bad cheapo wino reviews!)

French Owner: Oh really?!

 

– ok, so now the french lady is all impressed and thinks that I’m a wine aficionado. Then this happens…

 

French Owner: Well, what kind of wine do you like?

Me: I like chewy wines.

French Owner: …. ?

Because she looks confused, I assume there must be a language barrier- so I try this…

Me: You know, something chewy that you can really sink your teeth into (I start making chewing motions and grunting).

Me: But I want it to be smooth and soft like a child’s well-loved blankie

I say this while slowly rubbing my napkin up & down my cheek. Then, for emphasis, I close my eyes and smile softly, like I’m in a far off dream. When I open them, she has a disgusted look on her face.

Me: Red. I like red.

 

Later, I got myself caught in the fringe curtains that separate the dining room from the bathroom.

 

After dinner we headed to the Daiquiri Shak, where we drank and watched Cousin Carla’s very talented friend, Jeremy Thomas, perform.

[embedit snippet=”jeremy”]

 

Then we moved on to…dum dum duuum….El Loco Cigar & Wine Bar.

Don’t worry, we didn’t inhale.

We had a great time here! We talked about a smorgasbord of topics, including face lifts, cats, and the existence of God- sometimes all in the same sentence. We also met interesting folks, like the gentleman who sent us these cigars (I’d rather a Cabernet) and Doug of Doug’s Doggie Style grooming…

 

Doug’s Doggie Style Grooming….a business he can stand behind. Man, I crack me up!

Around 12:30 am we headed back to the condo to get some much needed sleep. Did I mention that I planned on staying the night? Yeah, I forgot to tell Brian that too.

 

The next morning we dropped Carla’s pirate hat off at her house….

Don’t you just hate it when you forget your pirate hat at your mother’s house?

 

Then we went shopping, where I scored a bracelet for…wait for it…c’mon guess….91 cents! Can you believe that shit!? It was an expensive store too! Clearance on top of clearance, baby!

 

And on our way out of town, I stopped in the middle of the road and snapped a picture this church…it looks just like a chicken! Do you see it?!

 

An egg-cellent church to attend!

My aunt calls it “Chicken Church”- where the congr-egg-ation flocks to worship. You may have seen this church recently, as I posted it on my blog’s Facebook page and it went viral. The national media picked up on it and the pic has been everywhere, from Yahoo news to the Huffington Post. Sadly, my little blog was not given any credit:( Instead, I’m referred to as “the photographer”, which I guess is kinda a compliment because my pictures are usually crap.

 

Later that night, Brian and I went to dinner where a lady peed on my foot. I’ll tell you about that later this week.

 

 

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