Well, we made it here without a speeding ticket…only because I drove.

Brian and I agreed that the hotel room is a little dated and a bit crap. Of course, this is coming from us, the same people who opted to stay home and face the eye of the hurricane rather than check in at the Red Roof Inn. We are total hotel snob bitches and I blame this on Brian’s company. Through his work we have been very fortunate to stay in some beautiful places, places that we could never afford. As a result, we’re the epitome of “champagne taste on a beer budget”. Damn them for ruining us! (I totally love them for ruining us- thumbs up)

Anyway, after check-in I decided to change my perspective and to be thankful that we had a free place to stay. It’s really not that bad, in fact, the salmon walls cast a flattering hue on my otherwise pale skin.

Once we settled in, Brian headed out to a meeting and the kids & I walked to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum. Oh yeah! I love me some crazy and I have no problem paying $17.99 to see it.

Turns out, most of the items displayed by Ripley’s are just replicas of the real items. They didn’t state this but I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t the real crown of Princess Diana velcroed to the carpeted wall.

I didn’t mind the fake jewels, but I was a little disappointed that the New Guinea Death Mask might be covered with faux skin instead of the real skin whipped from their enemies:(

While there, I did stumble upon a great gift idea for that special man in your life…

Or how about your teenage daughter…

The museum had a lot of interactive exhibits and fun questions for the kids to answer. It was kinda cool because the questions were printed on cabinet doors that were secured to the wall, and the kids could open the doors to check their answers.

Collin loved testing his knowledge and Ana loved being up Collin’s ass- as evidenced by this cabinet door to the forehead…

When we left there we headed over to UNO Pizzeria. Upon entering the establishment Ana located a discarded apple core sitting on a counter.
(picture the following in slow motion)

I turn around to tell her “hurry up”

I see her grab the apple core

I yell, “noooooo!”

She licks it while looking at me out of the corner of her eye

I make a grab for her

She drops the apple *thud*

My lips curl into a ‘someone-just-shit-in-my-mouth’ position

I hiss “don’t evvvveerrr do that again!”

I looked around to see if anyone noticed my Typhoid Mary. No one made eye contact with us but they all stopped eating. We had been shunned.

After lunch we headed back to the hotel to relax for a bit (if you consider kids screaming at each other and me screaming at them for screaming at each other as relaxation. It’s all I know).

When Brian returned to the room he wanted to go out to dinner, no one else did. But we went because we’re good to him like that.

We decided to eat at the Cheesecake Factory and walked about 2 blocks in the freezing cold to get there. Once we were seated (after some hiccups, kids crying, a DSi falling on the floor, etc.) things were going pretty smoothly when Ana announced that she pissed her pants. FYI, the Cheesecake Factory Scotch-guards their seats, I could tell by the way the urine beaded up. Fortunately, I had a spare pair of underwear and pants in my purse. Unfortunately, the pants looked like they were part of a circus act…and she was already wearing a polka dotted shirt. Ugh. Couple that with the gash on her forehead- she was a mess.

On our walk back to the hotel the kids played tag next to the harbor’s fenceless edge. Honestly, I have to imagine people fall in there all the time, how could they not? Yet all I could muster was a “careful guys”.

When we got back to the room, I just wanted a glass of wine. That’s all. And I had the bottle in my hand when Ana kicked Collin in the balls. He quickly dropped into the fetal position and I stepped right over him. I wasn’t stopping for nobody until I found the corkscrew . Let the natives settle their own damn differences, I was D.O.N.E. But, oh shit! I forgot the corkscrew! Wtf?!

I started storming the room for any tools I could use to open the bottle. Within minutes I had a screw from the dresser handle, the top of a ballpoint pen, and a pair of tweezers at work. I’m almost certain I resembled a chimpanzee trying to free a banana from jar. I looked pathetic.

Not surprisingly, my Macguyver plan wasn’t working. I started to get dressed to head down to the front desk (Oh yes I was) when I spotted, no, I sensed a corkscrew above the mini fridge. Hallelujah!

Glunk, glunk, glunk, into the glass it went. I took a sip and it psychologically melted my stress away. Ahhh. But I have to tell you, a $30 bottle of wine tastes more like an $8 bottle of wine when it’s sipped from a chipped hotel bathroom glass. Still, better than nothing.

Oh, and my sleep sucked. But that’s another story.

Stay tuned for day #2.