valentine’s

On Friday, I left my husband and children behind, and flew to sunny Florida with my mother to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin for the weekend.

After landing, we rented a car and headed out on a 1.5 hour ride to my aunt’s house. About an hour into our drive, we stopped at Applebee’s for a bite.

Hostess: “Hi! Are you celebrating Valentine’s today?”

Umm,no.

Manager coming to our table: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Are you two sharing this special day together?” *wink*

What?! She’s my mother!

Oddly, the age thing bothered me more than the lesbian assumption. Did my mom look super younger or did I look super older?

Waitress: “Are you here for a romantic Valentine’s Day lunch?” Christ, people. “If so, we’re offering a 2 for 1 drink special.”

Me: “Why yes, yes we are!”

It wasn’t until I was enjoying my first celebratory Margarita that it occurred to me, this was the first Valentine’s Day, in 10 years, that I could eat my chocolate without fear of being interrupted to wipe someone’s ass. It’s the little things.

No sooner had we entered my Aunt’s house, when we were turned around and pushed out the door in search of a bar. Sadly, it seemed that most places only served beer and wine…

It only took us 2 hours to find one that could make a Manhattan.

After downing some drinks and grease in the form of onion rings, hush puppies, and conch fritters…

we rode around the city in search of some happening nightlife. Naturally, we started here:

The Budget Inn Lounge!

It was everything we expected…and more.

My aunt suggested we try another place:

Aunt C: “We could check out Boomers. I haven’t been there in a while, but I remember they played Oldies music.”

My Cousin: “Why’d you stop going?”

Aunt C: “I heard it got rough. I even read about a few shootings there.”

Me: “Oh pah-leez, they play OLDIES music for god’s sake. How dangerous can it be?”

We pulled in:

We pulled out.

At the end of the night, we found ourselves in the Loony Bin.

The symbolism is not lost on me.

Upon returning to the house, my Cousin Carla presented us with Valentine’s gifts. She’s so very sweet like that.

My gift:

knowing how much I love “chewy wine”…

My mother’s gift:

knowing how much she loves…umm…still not sure what to make of this…

you know I was sooo jealous.

Gotta love the warning on the back:

On Saturday, we went Goodwill-ing.

Goodwill-ing (gud-wil-ing)- verb- hitting up every Goodwill in a 20 mile radius because nothing makes you more excited than finding a deal on something you’ll never use.

I don’t know if you’re aware, or even care, but a Goodwill located in an affluent town is like eating at a seafood restaurant situated next to a fishing dock- the quality don’t get no better.

And when we came across a Goodwill that was having a 50% off sale, holy hell, I had to buy a second-hand Michael Kors 100% cotton t-shirt just to absorb my joyous tears.

Did you notice the camera shy lady with the pie pan?

Afterwards, we went to an expensive seafood restaurant, because saving a buck on used flower vases totally justifies dropping $200 on dinner.

On Sunday, we drove to a local Flea Market.

Believe me when I say there’s nothing more relaxing than walking around and looking at affordable & useless junk. It’s cheaper than a yoga membership.

Unfortunately, this particular flea market was kind of a let down.

I wasn’t looking to purchase old magazines,

or jewelry made out of dead butterflies,

or salt & pepper shakers held by skulls…

I was, however, thinking I might buy a nice home fragrance oil. But which scent to choose…

Lilac? Too flowery

Ocean Breeze? Too Summery.

Orange? Yuck.

It took me a while, but I eventually narrowed it down…

Next, we went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond where I was determined to buy an As Seen On TV Genie Bra, despite them being hung 10 feet above my head. Why, Bed, Bath & Beyond, why?

I approached customer service and informed them of my little problem, and they immediately sent someone over.