I hope your family’s having a wonderful holiday break, and that you’re not hiding under a pile of dirty laundry somewhere because you figure that’s the last place your children would look.

*Learn to make your own UnderCova Motha Laundry Blanket here.

I realize I haven’t posted in over 2 weeks (I feel pretty crappy about that. Did you miss me? I missed you.) but I swear I have a good reason…

BOOM!

It’s a playhouse under the basement stairs! No, it’s not entirely finished yet, but my goal was to have it habitable by Christmas Eve and I did it!

*Life Tip- Keep your goals low and you’ll never fail.

Just before presenting every little girl’s dream to Ana, I carefully applied sunblock to my face, neck, and arms, anticipating that I’d soon be basking in the bright light radiating from within her joyous heart.

After the sunblock soaked in, I lured her down into the basement with the promise of a Christmas present. She seemed really excited for about 3 minutes and then went back upstairs

It’s now 5 days after Christmas and I swear I’ve spent more time flossing my teeth than she has in that god forsaken playhouse.

“Go down in the basement by myself? No way, that’s too scary.” 

She’ll probably use it when she’s 16…to hide her drugs and other things I’ll be too naive to believe she’s doing.

Anywhoo, let’s catch up. Here are some highlights from the past two weeks:

Yes, I was pulled over by the police…in my neighborhood.  Here’s what happened: as I was turning onto our street, a policeman was turning out and I saw him look at my windshield. Knowing that my inspection sticker was expired, I batted my eyelashes, smiled, and vigorously waved.  I was the middle-age equivalent of  a 20 year old wearing a low cut shirt to distract the bouncer from taking a closer look at her fake ID. We’ve all done it.

Unfortunately, he turned around and threw his lights on. Shit. But I’d be damned if I was going down in front of a nosy neighbor’s house. Determined to make it to my own driveway, I put on my hazard lights and kept driving..and driving…and driving. He probably wondered where I was taking him.

When he approached my car, I smeared on some lip gloss and gave the performance of my life:

Script excerpt from “Housewives of the Suburban Slammer”:

With a look of vulnerability and confusion, Kimberly bites her lower lip and says in a husky voice ,”Expired, you say? But how? Why? Oh my goodness, thank you for telling me officer.” 

It must have been Oscar worthy because he let me off with a warning.  Not impressed? Did I mention they were 6 months expired?

On Christmas Eve, we had my family and Brian’s family over for drinks, appetizers, and to exchange gifts. We even exchanged gifts with Mr.Bojangles. We gave him this bone…

…and in exchange, he shit on our rug. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM…IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY. Ho Ho Ho.

Christmas morning was absolutely perfect! Well, our video camera damaged our dvd so that’s how we’ve decided to remember it.

Once Brian figured out the camera problem, he proposed we re-wrap everything and do it all over. Umm, no- there’s no way I was reopening this…

It’s a wine cork.

And this weekend, we took the kids to see “Frozen”. Initially, Ana didn’t want to go but Brian promised her Sno-Caps.

She’ll do anything for chocolate. Remind me to sign her up for an intense Stranger Danger course.

After the movie, we wiped our tears and went to a nearby brewery/restaurant for dinner, where I enjoyed a flight of their seasonal  microbrews – GASP! Yes, I cheated on my beloved wine. Shhh

We were sitting at one of those stupid high top tables (honestly, who seats kids at a high top in the bar area?), when I noticed Ana rocking and shaking her legs.

Me: Ana, do you have to go potty?

Ana: No

Me: Well, I have to go reeaaalllyy bad. Want to come with me?

Ana: Ok, I’ll try.

When we returned from the bathroom (where Ana peed like a racehorse), we scaled our mountain high seats and I noticed mine was wobbly.

Brian: How’d it go?

Me: Fine. My stool’s loose.

Brian: What the hell?!

Me: I know, right? Oh my god, Brian, how embarrassing would it be if it just dropped from under me…in front of everyone? Hahahaha!

Brian, with a horrified expression: Stop it! Just stop it! Do you even hear yourself?

And that’s when I realized we were talking about two different things.

So tell me, how have you been? How were your holidays? (hint: I’m specifically looking for stories of humiliation- those are my favorite)