Free Advice Friday! Places to quietly cry.

Dear Kim,

I’m the stay at home mother of two young children. Some days I feel like I’m going to go nuts and I just need some alone time to regroup. Do you ever feel like this? If so, what do you do?

Heidi in Crackinupton, FL

 

Dear Heidi,

You’re not alone sister, I often feel that way! I think every mother does at one point or another. What defines us is how we choose to handle the situation. Oh, and by “regroup” I assume you mean “cry”.

Have you tried sitting your children down and explaining to them just how you feel? When using this approach, I find it’s helpful to use examples from children’s literature and television programming. Phrases like “Remember that time Christopher Robin was up Pooh’s ass?” or “Wow, that Caillou is a whiny bitch. Don’t you find that annoying?” can really parallel your feelings and aid your children in grasping the fragility of your mental state.

However, if after talking with them, you find your kids lack either the empathy or the desire to leave you alone, you might want to go with Plan B (which is now my Plan A).

 

Plan B – HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

There are two ways to accomplish this and they both require a little preparation and planning. But trust me, it’s worth it.

 

Method #1 – Undercova Motha (trademark pending)

Supplies:

a twin bed sheet

basket of old clothes

sewing machine

non-toxic glue

Preparation:

Begin leaving large piles of unfolded laundry in the hallway on a regular basis. This step must be done a least one week prior to your first “hide”.

Steps:

1. Lay the twin sheet out on the floor. Sprinkle the clothes liberally across the sheet in a haphazard manner. Rearrange the clothes until only small areas of the sheet can be seen.

*I tend to use more cotton-blend clothing as they breath better than man made fabrics.

2. Once you have the clothes arranged to your liking, tack all the clothes in place with glue. Then, using your sewing machine, go back and reinforce each piece with a few stitches.

*It’s important that you not skip the sewing step- and you’ll want to because you’re exhausted and beat down. But keep in mind, you need this cover to last until your children are well into their teens. Besides, tears stain and your Undercova Motha will need to withstand multiple machine washings.

3. Throw you actual clean clothes in a spare closet. Lay in the hallway covering yourself with your Undercova Motha, curl up in a fetal position, and quietly weep.

This is where I go to be alone.

*refrain from crying to the point of body shudders. Your children will notice their old pj’s moving and the jig will be up.

 

Method #2 – “It’s a Cinch”

Supplies:

33 Gallon black trash bags with drawstring tie.

Preparation:

Tell everyone in the family that you will take on the household responsibility of taking out the trash. Everyday you must leave a full trash bag sitting out in the kitchen or laundry room, throwing it away only when the children go to bed. Much like the preparation for the Undercova Motha blanket, you’ll need to begin this at least a week prior to your first “hide”.

*If you’re the outdoorsy type you can also use this technique in your yard with a bag of leaves.

Steps:

1. Throw your actual bag of trash in a spare closet.

2. Step into a 33 Gallon trash bag and pull the drawstring shut, leaving a small opening for the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

3. Curl up in the fetal position and weep.

Note: keep your hand inside bag.

*use caution when getting out as the tears may create a slippery surface.

Heidi, I hope this was helpful and just the kind of advice you were looking for – because it’s all I got…well, except for the “Panic Room”. You can find those directions here.

See you in bad parenting hell,

Kim

Comments

  1. Yes, the following reference is often heard in my house “Do you see how bossy Ruby is? Well, you sound just like her.” I have often thought of hiding in plain site – but these instructions are priceless!

  2. Shana says:

    Can I say perfect?? Lil Mister is still too young for this..he will just search the laundry pile for me! But I am saving this for a rainy, much older day! LMBO!

  3. Alex says:

    This is priceless! The clothes one can totally work in my house, and lucky for me, now i don’t have to take that bag of too small clothes to the goodwill!

  4. Vanessa says:

    Truly – your “pile of dirty clothes” camo is inspired. I think you should patent it.

    • admin says:

      Yes, I need to get a little TM for it before I start gifting them at Xmas. Btw, read you meno post- loved it but couldn’t leave a comment. I tweeted it.

  5. Mary Faanunu says:

    I have found the best place to hide in my house is behind my husband…the children NEVER look there…

  6. Ha! That Caillou IS a whiny bitch! So many excellent tips, I’m not sure which to try first. Love this!

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