We’re back from Mexico, and I’m 3 pounds lighter! How did that happen? No clue. Maybe it was that one day I exercised, or my all-liquid diet (margaritas), or the slimming effect of dysentery. Whatever it was, it made me love Mexico even more!

“Te amo, Mexico!”

A few days ago, a friend emailed me asking about our trip. Somehow, I was able to capture the essence of our vacation in a few run-on sentences:

Vacation was great! I was bitten by a spider who, I’m pretty sure, injected her eggs under my skin,we were chased by security guards protecting the Mexican Secretary of State who was responsible for the recent capture of “El Chapo”, the kingpin of the Mexican Drug Cartel, I had a TON of yummy margaritas, and the sights were absolutely breathtaking! Oh, AND I found the mother spider this morning, as I was unpacking my luggage. They’re orphans now.

So let’s get on with some crappy pics!

Our resort, The St. Regis in Punta Mita, was GORGEOUS! As in, “We could never afford this! Thank you, Brian, for winning this awesome work incentive trip. And now I have to be “extra nice” to you, don’t I?”

Just take a look at our shower/bathtub area:

And that’s just the bathing area! There’s still a toilet area, a sink area, and a walk out shower area! All wonderful places to enjoy a margarita while wondering if a wooden ladder full of towels would fit into your 3 ft x 2 ft shower stall at home.

Our room was so big that they even had one of those “You Are Here” maps like you find at the mall.

Thank goodness the “You Are Here” map was on the door to tell us that we were standing in front of the door. Without it, we may have spent the entire week opening and closing closets, never quite sure how to exit. That would have been HORRIBLE.

Once we found our way out of the room, we headed to the pool…the elevated infinity pool!

The Infinity Pool, where my cries of “why can’t everyday be like this?” go on and on, forever and ever.

It was at some point during this day that I acquired that nasty bug bite.

Bitten twice or fang marks? You decide.

This pic was actually taken a week afterwards. My friend took it while offering some “you might want to get that checked out” advice. Nah, I’m too excited to see what develops and/or hatches.

The following day, we decided to take a walk along the beach.

We eventually reached a point where the beach ended, there was nothing but waves hitting the rocks.

Brian: Should we turn around?

Me: Why? I say we keep going.

Brian: Looks a little dangerous.

Me: Oh, pah-leez

And so we kept going.

Look, Ma! No common sense!

Little did we know that federal security would soon have us in the exact same position.

As we rounded a corner, the beach opened up again…and the guards closed in.

Guard: (shooing me away with his hand like I was some sort of peasant…which I essentially was.) Leave! Leave this beach! GO! GO!

Me: Hey there! Hola, senior! Por favor, muy bieno tacos!

Guard: GO!

Me: Good sir, do you know who I am? I am a guest of the St. Regis and…

Guard: Get away! (shooing me again)

I thought to myself, ‘Hmm, he does not seem impressed. I doubt he’d let me use his bathroom.’

As we were leaving, I snapped this picture of the rude guy retreating.

Then we spent the next 10 minutes looking over our shoulders, waiting for them to confiscate my iPhone.

Guess what we found on our way back…

If they really want people to see that sign, they need to make it taller than my ankle…or maybe place some complementary nachos around it.

Luckily, we didn’t find out until later that the government dude staying next to us has a drug cartel target on his back…it might have ruined the tranquility of the trip.

On Monday, determined to embrace the culture, I convinced Brian to visit an authentic, non-touristy, Mexican surfing town.

Oh, it was authetic alright, complete with taco stands, rotted produce being sold out of broken down trucks, and dogs playing & shitting in the street.

It was all very charming…until you notice that the ice in your margarita is melting, and remember that you’re not supposed to be drinking the water…or eating the food…and suddenly you feel sick and sense your body revolting because this could have all been avoided if you had just embraced your obnoxious standards and ordered a bottle of Perrier or even Fuji.

Until the Congo has several 5-star resorts to choose from, we’ll never be a world travelers.

While we were sad to leave Mexico (it’s truly our most favorite place, so far) we were eager to hug our kids and pets, and listen to the question “Whaddya get me?” on a loop until we had a chance to unpack. Speaking of unpacking, I pulled a sports bra out of my suitcase and look who I found…

Momma Spider!

Damn right, I threw that sports bra in the toilet!

I swear she hitched a ride in my luggage because I’m probably carrying her babies. Like I said, they’re orphans now. Don’t worry, I’ll raise them like my own and tell them about their real mother when they’re old enough to know the truth. In the meantime, can you take a close look at this spider and help me identify it? It’s always nice to put a name with a face. Plus it might be important to the doctors when my paralysis kicks in.

Is it me or does it have a claw?

.

Check out my girl, Shauna Lynn, over at Freckles and Curse Words!

Do you think women are catty & bitchy? Well, she’s calling BULLSHIT on you!

Love it!