On Friday night, we were supposed to be celebrating Collin’s birthday by shooting zombies with paintball guns while riding on the back of a military vehicle, but Mother Nature had to shit all over our plans with rain.
So instead, we had an impromptu house partaaay in our basement.
After guzzling a Cosmopolitan for emotional support, I opened the basement door and was immediately assaulted by blaring music, disco lights, and the stench of a thousand camels. It was like a frat party without the alcohol & hooking up. …I miss college (sigh)
I only made it halfway down the steps before turning around and swearing not to return until I either had another Cosmo or everyone left. And in an attempt to be somewhat responsible, I chose the latter…
In their defense, it was my idea to write on the wall- I’m repainting the basement anyway (notice the big ass blue sample). HOWEVER, I totally meant for them to write “Happy Birthday” messages, I wasn’t prepared for:
Stick it to the man?
It’s not my fault unicorns poop?
Apparently, my fake dog shit party favors were entirely appropriate for his crowd.
On Saturday, Collin’s school had a Fall Festival. To give the appearance of being a contributing member of our community, I decided at the last minute to volunteer for the Crazy Hair booth. When signing up, I thought to myself, “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), you’ve spray painted tons of furniture, it’s probably just like that.” Except Candy Ass forgot that furniture doesn’t carry head lice. No wonder the position was open.
At least Ana seemed excited about it:
But somewhere in those 3 minutes she changed her mind…but I said, “Too damn bad.”
Sunday was Collin’s actual birthday and I served him breakfast in bed,-homemade waffles! We also had the following conversation:
Me to Collin: We can go anywhere you like for dinner.
Brian: (pulling me aside) Whoa whoa whoa! We just spent a crap load of money on a party and a Nintendo 3DS, now we’re spending money on a nice dinner?
Collin: I want to go to Taco Bell!
Brian: Great idea! Anything for you, buddy!
Cheapest birthday dinner ever!
How was your weekend?
Wants some funny? Visit my girl Alyson over at The Shitastrophy! Trust me, she’s on a roll with bad baby names!