Tips for Tuesday! Parasite Parenting

In honor of the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, it was a no brainer to re-post this beach bound tip that was helpful to so many last year. You’re welcome.

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After seeing my photo…

…some of you have expressed an interest in how you too can locate a surrogate family to play with and entertain your young children while you relax on the beach. Here are the recommended steps you should take to weasel your kids into another family’s fun:

PARASITE PARENTING at the beach

 

1. Location, Location, Location

Choosing the right spot on the sand is crucial for creating an afternoon of lackadaisical parenting.

Things to look for in an ideal location:
- Sit right next to or behind a landmark (i.e. Lifeguard Stand, “Danger” sign, or one of those really obnoxious sun tents that could double as a homeless shelter in the off season). Point these out to your kids so they’ll have an easier time finding you when the host family leaves. And mark my words, they will leave when they realize what’s happening.

-Always choose to sit near a family that is digging a hole. Whether they’re digging to China or digging a hole to drop a body in later, it doesn’t matter. It just needs to be a hole that your child will wander into and want to stay in for the long haul. However, it’s very important that the hole is being dug by the father and his children, not the mother. It’s been my experience that fathers start a hole and then become obsessed with making it bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper. They have a stick-to-it-ness that mothers don’t. I think it’s some sort of vagina-envy-but-with-a-hole thing.

*Side note: today’s father disappeared underground and only came up when he found a blue crab and bones of questionable origin. The kids were fascinated by both.

 

2. Maintain an Appearance of Effort

If the other family gets a whiff of your shirked parental duties they’ll shut your kid out. They’ll claim it’s because they want to spend “quality time” alone with their own kids, but really they’re just pissed because you’re more clever (clever-er?) than they are. To avoid this you have to do a bit of work. But don’t worry, this can be carried out between martini refills and chapters of your Fifty Shades of Grey.

Do the following:

- You should occasionally (about every 30 min) approach your child and spray sunblock on him/her while saying, “Honey, why don’t you come back to our blanket and brush up on math problems, or maybe snack on some edamame?”
*If your kid follows you back then I can’t relate to you- and I bet we’re not friends.

- You MUST wave to the other parents at least once, shrug, and mouth the words “she loves you”. Make sure to follow it with a look that says “Yikes, I’m so sorry”.

- Drop off crackers, gum, juice boxes, shovels, and buckets at the edge of the hole – basically help your kids set up shop so that they have no reason to come back before the sun goes down. On your way back to your chair say to the dad “Great Job! I’ll be over here on my iPhone looking up Guinnessworldrecords.com for the deepest beach hole. I’ll let you know what I find. Though the internet has been really slow today. Weird.”

 

By following the above steps you should be able to read a book, play UNO, get a tan, or brush up on your bartending skills, all with little interruption. That reminds me of my last point…pack drinks in a quality thermos as it’s vital that you keep your beverages ice cold. I can’t stress this enough! Sure, a quality thermos costs more than a repurposed Turkey Hill Iced Tea container but it’s worth the investment. No one wants to drink a warm margarita while watching another mom plead with your child to stop throwing sand in her eyes- it’s a buzz kill.

Find my parenting tips to be helpful and well researched? No? Could you click here anyway?…thanks! PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted!…and I’ll love you a little bit more.
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Comments

  1. Kim, I am so bowing to you on this advice and seriously I so need to find a surrogate family for my gang, lol!! Thanks for the advice and definitely put a smile on my face this morning!!
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Vulnerabilities & I Am Not Perfect!My Profile

  2. PJ Greetings says:

    Too funny! So, this is what the family last weekend must have read when I found 3 additional kids in with our brood.. :)

  3. Love. You’re so fucking brilliant.
    nothingbythebook recently posted…Tongues off my FacebookMy Profile

  4. Your post is both hilarious and genius.at the same time. Not that I can use your tips, but I now recognize, we are the other family on the receiving side . :P
    Practical Mama recently posted…My “The Blog Workshop Online Conference” experienceMy Profile

  5. Dani Ryan says:

    Brilliant!
    Dani Ryan recently posted…What weekends are really like when you’re a momMy Profile

  6. Shay says:

    “…and snack on some edamame…” Brilliant! Haha. I have a friend who’s going out of town and, without thinking, went grocery shopping just a few days ago. She came over and dropped off a whole bunch of food at our house that would have otherwise been wasted. The hubs called and I told him about it and he goes, “Let me guess…a bunch of organic shit? She knows I like my stuff better with chemicals.” That’s just how we roll…haha
    Shay recently posted…What’s My Motherfcking Name?My Profile

  7. Erika says:

    This cracked me up! And reminded me of a time when we went camping and while setting up our camper and campsite our daughter joined the campers next to us to play. When we finished and put out dinner she informed us she’d already eaten…with them. HA!

  8. Alison says:

    haha, this is great advice. I will practice this often. ;)
    Alison recently posted…The Bechdel Test and why I hate every movie I loveMy Profile

  9. Love. The last line was the absolute best.
    One Funny Motha recently posted…SchooledMy Profile

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