Motha’s Log: Snow Day #576
6:00 am– Just received the call that school is cancelled again. I lay here in the quiet darkness and wonder…how do those white flakes, which fall directly from the depths of Hell, not immediately melt? Maybe that’s what rain is, snowflakes that stayed in hell a little too long?
7:43 am – Dehydrated from the crying.
8:00 am – Judging by their energy level, the kids are hopped up on a combination of Pop Tarts and adrenaline…and a shared belief that today’s the day they’ll finally succeed at driving me over the edge. I hear plans being made.
8:59 am – They’ve built an elaborate fort using couch cushions and three of my now emptied laundry baskets. Clothes are everywhere and my favorite black bra is currently waving on their flag pole. I asked them to take it down but they couldn’t hear me over their new national anthem “Oh, say can you C-cup…”
9:42 am – Ordered a new bra on Amazon.com and signed up for Amazon Prime. I think it’s a good investment considering it gives me free 2-day shipping, free streaming movies, free kittens, free…dear god I’m losing my mind.
10:05 am– I was quietly huddled in the corner of the bathroom when one of them slipped this under my door:
Funny…I don’t feel sick.
11:13 am – I’ve spent the last hour testing different hiding-in-plain-sight methods, and charting & comparing their effectiveness.
Method#1 – Covering myself head-to-toe in aluminum foil and pressing my body against the stainless steel refrigerator.
Method#2 – Dressing in all black and curling my body around our black dog, syncing my nervous panting with his.
Method#3 – Safety pinning random pieces of laundry to my pajamas and blending in with the clothes strewn around the room.
Method#4 – Smearing 1 hour bronzing cream all over my body then laying on a bronze colored couch…and not breathing.
I’ve created a bar graph to illustrate my results:
[embedit snippet=”hiding-graph”]
12:17 pm – Bought my airline ticket for my trip to Florida next month. Instead of buying it as a “round trip”, I bought 2 “one-way” tickets.
12:23 pm – Printed out and showed the kids my “one-way” ticket to Florida. Told them I plan on flying away and never coming back.
1:13 pm – The way they’re jumping on the exposed couch springs like olympic trampolinists, tells me they’ve recovered from the shock of my impending abandonment. I am both proud and saddened by their resilience.
2:25 pm – The 4 year old has convinced me to take 10th Anniversary Edition Holiday Barbie out of the packaging so she can see if she’s wearing any underwear. I’m a little curious myself.
2:38 pm – Barbie is NOT wearing underwear. Can’t blame her, panty lines are a bitch.
2:48 pm – It only took 10 minutes for Barbie to lose all of her collector’s value. So long, college tuition.
4:12 pm – It seems that “Baby” is the new F-word. For the last hour they’ve been screaming things like:
“You’re a BABY!”
“Go BABY yourself, BABY!”
“You son-of-a-BABY!”
“MOM! He called me a baby!”
4:48 pm – I can’t take it anymore! I told them both to kiss my “baby” and hid.
[embedit snippet=”snow-day-movie”]
9: 16 pm – Imma all outa tequilaaaaa—————wahhhh
