Tips for Tuesday! Show the world you love your pets…almost more than your children.

November 12, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Do you treat your pets like they’re your children? Do you dress them in holiday sweaters for the family photo? Do you refer to yourself as “mommy” or “daddy”? Did you attempt to breastfeed them as a puppy/kitty but quickly realize their teeth were way too sharp?

ME TOO!

And are you sick of so called “friends & family” treating your special little fur baby like some kind of animal?

ME TOO!

Honestly, there’s nothing sadder than looking into my dog’s soulful eyes and witnessing disappointment when his grandmother refuses to chew her leftovers before offering it to him. Mom, flank steak is tough, and Buddy shouldn’t be expected to work that hard for his nourishment.

Why can’t society understand that we just want them to extend the same common courtesies to our pets as they would our children? It really hurts me when they don’t. For example:

On Mr. Bojangles’ 7th birthday, no one called or sent so much as a card.

“Can I wish for my testicles back?!”

And my Facebook status “Buddy is finally housebroken!” received exactly ZERO comments or Likes.

“We’re almost out of poop bags.”

When Roxy finally faced her fear of sharks, everyone said, “Big deal. A shark’s just an over-sized fish, and cats love fish.” If it were Ana, I bet they would’ve been super impressed before calling the Department of Youth & Family Services.

Don’t worry, you’re more afraid of them then they are of you. Oh wait that’s wrong…

And can you believe this insensitive hairdresser threw away Blaze’s “first curl”?

“Sorry we’re late, we kept running in circles.”

Well, last year, when Buddy was neutered and NOT ONE PERSON came to visit him in the animal hospital (he was there for 3 long hours), I realized I needed to send a message to everyone that entered our home.

I took down all the family photographs in our house and replaced them with commissioned portraits of our pets- because nothing says “I really love my pets” more than removing pictures of your children.

These gorgeous works of art now line our foyer…

Original art: 1621-22 Peter Paul Ruben- Anne of Austria

 

original art: www.historum.com

 

and above our fireplace…

He’s the only one that doesn’t piss or crap on my carpet, hence the best spot.

 

Hopefully our little darlings will start getting the respect and attention they deserve. After all, we love them almost more than our kids…

I said “almost”, settle down.
 

BONUS: If you send me a picture of your fur baby, I MIGHT find the time to create a custom crappy portrait for you! FOR FREE!

Leave a comment then email your pic to Kim@oneclassymotha.com. For artistic guidance, please include your pet’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

PS- Don’t be picky OR have expectations of high/ medium quality. As Ana says “You get what you get and don’t get upset” Sadly, she doesn’t follow her own advice.

6 Comments Filed Under: Tips Tagged With: , , ,

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

November 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Thank you, dear veterans, for your service and sacrifice!

Today is Veteran’s Day. Consequently, it also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I left Ana in the gym daycare and went home to eat eggs.

Want to feel better about your parenting? Then read this.

And now, crappy pics!

On Friday night, Brian and I put the kids into Kid’s Night Out at the gym, and went out to dinner.

Remember how Collin HATES Kids Night Out because he’s usually the oldest kid there and he’s forced to color cardboard magic wands or create macaroni art?  Well, this Friday wasn’t much better…

STORY TIME! I’m pretty sure “I hate my parents” was running on his mental loop.

Can you believe he never asked us if we enjoyed our meal?  So rude.

Saturday morning, much to even our surprise, we went to the gym as a family. Brian took a Spin class while Collin and I ran/walked 3 miles, and Ana went into Child Care (she held onto the car keys so we couldn’t forget her). Afterwards, we headed back home to shower, passing a park along the way.

Ana: Can we go to the park?

Brian: Not right now.

Ana: But I want to!

Brian: It’s shut down…um…someone pooped on the slide.

Collin: Oh right, I heard that on the news today. They said it’s smeared everywhere!

Me: Well, that stinks! Get it?

HAHAHAHA! Everyone laughed at my pun except Ana….

Saturday night, we went to Costco, Kohls, and then out to an Italian Restaurant for dinner.  Oddly, we were the youngest diners there and the most fashionably dressed…

After dropping a mint on fatty food all weekend, I decided to cook a nice healthy dinner Sunday Night…

That was stupid.

After dinner, I decided that I really, really, really, wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.  I should mention that we haven’t used the fireplace in 3 years because, well…ANA.  Now that she’s 4, I’m almost confident that she most likely won’t fling herself  full force into the “pretty light”.  But the first step was to open the flue and inspect…

By the way, I have a chimney sweep scheduled to come on Thursday.  That’s right, I’ve waited 3 years to light it, yet I couldn’t wait 4 more days. I imagine I’m a very frustrating person to live with.

Here’s some of the crap I pulled out myself…

Then, not knowing what could be living in our chimney, we held our breath and lit it.

And it worked! No one (or nothing) died in the making of this fire!

Then we all sat around it, ohhing and ahhing like cavemen until the last ember went out….

That was my favorite part of the weekend.

How was your weekend?

 

Need any tips on How to Supersize Your Engagement Ring? My girl Alyson, over at The Shitastrophy, has you covered!

7 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics Tagged With: , , , , ,

Free Advice Friday! Sorry, Pam.

November 8, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

*no leopards were harmed in the making of this review. But I did receive free shoes. 

Remember this question?

Dear Kim,

I was thinking about getting a part time job, something that I can do for extra money but still be here when my kids get home from school. Any advice or ideas?

Thanks,

Pam in Brokeville, OH

If so, then you know I gave Pam some pret-ty bad advice. I know, I know…big surprise. I encouraged her to get a job picking lice off the infested heads of strangers, told her to pair all of her outfits with animal print shoes, then I sent her a pair of ballerina flats in salmon (the fish, not the color) instructing her to wear them to her next interview.  I’m told the interview was a bust.  But I still stand by the virtues of animal print shoes…especially chameleon.

Well, shortly after publishing that letter, Fibi & Clo (an online boutique & direct sales company) sent me the most gorgeous pair of Leopard print ballerina shoes ever!

Here they are:

and here they are with bunions:

Aren’t they adorable?! They’re luxurious, classy AND super comfy!

*I’d like to stop right here and take a moment to point out how bony and malnourished my feet appear in this photo.  But before you start worrying about me, let me reassure you that I’m eating a diet exceedingly rich in trans fats, carbs, and red dye #3- everything from the ankle up is nice & plump…and red.

You probably can’t tell by looking at the photo but they’re made with beautiful, soft mohair; it looks like real leopard fur!

*Confession: Sometimes, when I’m feeling anxious or sad, I sit criss-cross applesauce and stroke both shoes until the dark cloud passes- like pet therapy but without the animal poop.

So……

Dear Pam,

If you’re still reading my blog (highly unlikely), I’d like to amend my advice….

If you want a great, flexible part-time job, you should throw away your lice comb and check out Fibi & Clo.  They combine some of my most  favoritist (I will not let you change that, auto-correct) things: beautiful shoes, hanging out with girlfriends, & making money!  Oh, and they have jewelry too!

At a minimum, ditch the salmon shoes and buy a better looking (and smelling) pair here!

Love,

Kim

PS- Please come back to me, Pam.

If you’re starting to work on your holiday list, don’t forget to check out my sponsor GiftsForYouNow.com!  They have a ton of personalized gifts, many under $25- perfect for your kid’s teacher, the bus driver, or the lady that waxes your hoo-ha.

5 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: , , , ,

Tips for Tuesday! Photograph Tips, evoking real emotions.

November 5, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

So you may have noticed that I didn’t post a Weekend in Crappy Pics yesterday (let’s pretend you care), that was either because:

A. Something secretive happened over the weekend and I can’t talk about it

or

B. Nothing happened over the weekend and I literally have nothing to talk about.

 

You decide.

 

Anyway, I’m working on a super duper writey thingy this week which has taken all of my free time (9:00 pm-9:30 pm)…and my brain cells, so today I give you a repost. BUT I can almost guarantee that most of you haven’t read it. What’s that called, “New to You”?

Besides, with the holidays approaching, I thought you could use some photography tips. Enjoy!

 

___________________________________________________

 

 

I’ve received several comments and questions regarding my pictures. Many readers want to know how I manage to capture the perfect expression in each of my photos. So today, I’m going to share my secret with you.

The trick is to know your subject on a deep psychological level. Know what motivates them and what saddens them.  Know their hopes, their dreams, their fears. Basically psychoanalyze them for vulnerabilities. If they’re not family or close friends you’ll either need to stalk them or have them fill out a questionnaire prior to photographing.

The good news is, it’s pretty easy to get someone to smile….

“Hold that up and we’ll buy a puppy!”

But you have to choose the perfect statement to capture the subtle nuances of almost any other emotion…

Depression

“That wasn’t good enough. No puppy for you.”

Despair

“Santa is dead.”

Crushing Guilt

“Santa’s autopsy came back. Turns out the stress of your toy demands killed him.”

Processing Disgust

“Your sister just sneezed on that.”

This technique works on animals too.

WTF?

“The vet called. She said you’ll die if you keep eating cat shit.”

This look was accomplished by standing in the corner and loudly yelling at the photographer to “hurry up! We have an appointment to get his testicles cut off after this”.

That was actually true. But we sang “Jingle Balls” on the ride over to lighten the mood.

My suggestion, is that you create a bank of go-to phrases capable of evoking every emotion. Also, get a second job because your children’s therapy sessions may prove to be expensive. But hey- great pics are priceless!

 

 

After reading this, I strongly suggest you head over to my sponsor,  The Shitastrophy, she’s offering a free After-Halloween Candy-Holic evaluation & intervention (which may or may not be her stealing your candy). 

6 Comments Filed Under: Tips
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