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Today’s tip is “how to get rid of ants in your house”.

We,here at the One Classy household, have recently encountered a little ant problem. Being a natural problem solver (and by natural, I mean it comes easily, not chemical-free), I was confident that I could quickly and efficiently nip this in the bud.

However, I’m sorry to say,  much like my failed Flatten your chicken breasts with your SUV tip, this has a somewhat unsatisfied ending.

Here’s my original tip:

Step 1. Buy some ant bait that promises to kill the Queen.

Step 2. Once she’s dead, usurp her throne as the new Queen.

Step 3. Finally, order your minions to work the fields on one of your nearby ant farms (which you can purchase from Amazon.com).

God only knows what they’ll harvest, but who cares, as long as they stay off your counter tops.

Sadly, my bait didn’t bring any “ants to the yard”.

Brian said we had “foodie” ants and that my cheapo bait was equivalent to a Denny’s at 3 am. To prove his point, he went to the hardware store and came back with some brand name ant mansions that boasted of “2 foods”. I guess some ants are picky?

Well guess what? Even with Raid’s buffet of “2 foods”, they still didn’t come!

I started to think that maybe these traps suffered from an image problem- you know, sterile domes of death aren’t exactly welcoming. It was clear to me that we needed to make them more appealing & “home-like” by providing some of the amenities that today’s ant are looking for.

I give to you…Antville Manor!

ANTVILLE MANOR: offering large lots, picket fences, community pool, and a state of the art workout facility (with a dedicated dirt lifting center). We currently have two models available, perhaps a third if these don’t sell.

As soon as my “OPEN HOUSE” sign went up, this happened…

So you see guys, this is all happening today and I won’t know for a few days if I’m their new queen or not. The anticipation is killing me…and hopefully them.

Hey, if you think I’d make a kind and honest Queen then click this banner please…I said CLICK THE DAMN BANNER!!!

Sunday was our family’s first “Internet Free Day”!

How did we do? Well, frankly, I didn’t have much hope. Here was my social media announcement (as if society cares):

“FYI – We’re doing a family “Internet Free” day tomorrow. If you see me on Facebook, Twitter, or my blog it means shit went all “Hunger Games” over here, and I was the winner. Be sure to congratulate me.”

Our Day

9 am – Collin and I sucked up our last seconds of Internet connection like taking a final hit of oxygen before diving without a tank.

10 am – I saw Collin reading a book and it seemed like he was really adapting…but then he swiped his finger to turn a page and looked confused when it crinkled.

11 am – The whole family pitched in to do some yard work. Holy shit, guys! Did you know that the ground is completely thawed and that grass and crap is actually growing? It’s Spring!

12 pm – I knew the family would need something to get them over the midday hump, sort of like The Patch for nicotine addicts, so I made some mock iPads out of paper. I gave one to each family member, and we tapped our hand-drawn app icons until we felt silly and/or our shakes subsided.

1 pm – We were feeling pretty good. The yard looked fabulous, no one had stepped in dog shit…yet, and we were working great together. Then Collin handed us his landscaping invoice for $38. Wtf!? What had we agreed too? Clearly, we should not be negotiating with our children during an Internet detox.

2 pm – Dum dum duuum. Our first causality. I came down from my shower to find Brian on his iPad. He got all defensive ” I had to look up…” blah blah blah, nothing that couldn’t wait until the end of the day. Then he said “I never said I was definitely doing this” . Mmhmm. To his credit, he quickly put it away.

3 pm – I left and went shopping.

4 pm – Still shopping.

5 pm – Almost done shopping.

5:15 pm – I came home from shopping, hid my “let me forget about the Internet” purchases, and made a low sugar margarita (yeah, still on my diet). Then we all ate dinner and stared at the wall until it was time for bed. The end.

Well, that was an unsatisfied ending, wasn’t it? You’re probably looking for my revelation, my “ah-ha” moment, the way this experience changed our family. Umm, can I give it to you later? I’m writing this with a crayon on the back of our water bill because no one trusts me alone with the computer. My hand is way too tired to go all ‘Oprah’ on your asses.

PSST…love me even a little? You can click this banner every 24 hours (or whenever you stop by) to vote! Thanks! PS- once you click you’ll be taken to another land and you’ll be like “WTF just happened?”. Trust me, you voted just by clicking.