A couple of weeks ago, I received a question from a mother of five kids (Five. Kids. 5, people! Cinco. As in 1,2,3,4,5.) asking me what she should do when she feels overwhelmed by the chaos in her household. She used phrases like “batshit crazy”, “balls to the wall”, and “razzmatazz”? Honestly, the letter read like it might be too late.

Of course, I had the perfect answer for her, only I wrote about it LAST YEAR!

Get your shit together, Hillary! Stop nurturing your kids and start reading my blog archives in their entirety. Jeez.

I guess I wasn’t really surprised that she hadn’t heard of my Undercova Motha (TM pending), because the only people reading my blog back then were friends and family. And seeing as I’ve since embarrassed or pissed most of them off to the point that they no longer read me, today’s repost will come across as new to most of you.

Enjoy! …and, Hillary in Hell, hang in there!

Dear Kim,

I’m the stay at home mother of two young children. Some days I feel like I’m going to go nuts and I just need some alone time to regroup. Do you ever feel like this? If so, what do you do?

Heidi in Crackinupton, FL

Dear Heidi,

You’re not alone sister, I often feel the same way! I think every mother does at one point or another. What defines us is how we choose to handle the situation. Oh, and by “regroup” I assume you mean “cry”.

Have you tried sitting your children down and explaining to them just how you feel? When using this approach, I find it’s helpful to use examples from children’s literature and television programming. Repeating phrases like “Christopher Robin is always up Pooh’s ass.” And “Wow, that Caillou is a whiny bitch.” while displaying “crazy eyes” can really aid your children in grasping the fragility of your mental state.

However, if after talking with them, you find your kids lack either the empathy or the desire to leave you alone, you might want to go with Plan B (which is now my Plan A).

Plan B – HIDING IN THE OPEN

There are two ways to accomplish this and they both require a little preparation and planning. But trust me, it’s worth it.

Method #1 – Undercova Motha (trademark pending)

Supplies:

a twin bed sheet
basket of old clothes
sewing machine
non-toxic glue

Preparation:

Begin leaving large piles of unfolded laundry in the hallway on a regular basis. They’ll get used to seeing it here and will become desensitized to its presence. This step must be done a least one week prior to your first “hide”.

Steps:

1. Lay the twin sheet out on the floor. Sprinkle the clothes liberally across the sheet in a haphazard manner. Rearrange the clothes until only small areas of the sheet can be seen.

*I recommend using mostly cotton-blend clothing as it breaths better than man made fabrics.

2. Once you have the clothes arranged to your liking, tack all the clothes in place with glue. Then, using your sewing machine, go back and reinforce each piece with a few stitches.

It’s important that you not skip the sewing step- trust me you’ll want to because you’re exhausted and beat down. But keep in mind, you’ll need this cover to last you until your children are well into their teens. Besides, tears stain and your Undercova Motha will need to withstand multiple machine washings.

3. Throw your actual clothes in a spare closet. Lay in the hallway, cover yourself with your Undercova Motha, then curl up in a fetal position and quietly weep.

This is where I go to be alone.

*refrain from crying to the point of body shudders. Your children will notice their old pj’s moving and the jig will be up.

Method #2 – “It’s a Cinch”

Supplies:

33 Gallon black trash bags with drawstring tie.

Preparation:

Tell everyone in the family that you’ll take on the household responsibility of taking out the trash. Everyday you must leave a full trash bag sitting out in the kitchen or laundry room, throwing it away only when the children go to bed. Much like the preparation for the Undercova Motha blanket, you’ll need to begin this at least a week prior to your first “hide”.

*If you’re the outdoorsy type you can use this technique in your yard, with a bag of leaves.

Steps:

1. Throw your actual bag of trash in a spare closet…or the trashcan, whatever.

2. Step into a 33 Gallon trash bag and pull the drawstring shut, leaving a small opening for the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

3. Curl up in the fetal position and cry your little heart out.

Note: keep your hand inside bag. Oh, and use caution when getting out as the tears may create a slippery surface.

Heidi, I hope this was helpful and just the kind of advice you were looking for – because it’s all I got…well, except for the “Panic Room”. You can find those directions here.

See you in bad parenting hell,

Kim