Free Advice Friday! My period is always late!

Dear Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom of 3 children (all under 6) and I can’t imagine having another one, I’m pretty much at my sanity threshold as it is.  The problem is, my period is frequently late and when that happens I TOTALLY FREAK OUT! I’m debating about asking my husband to get a vasectomy. What’s your opinion?

Thanks,

Late Lucy

Dear  Lucy,

If you’re certain you’re done having children then I say ask for the vasectomy.  But be aware, men consider a vasectomy to be a type of sexual currency.  That’s right Lucy, after his “ticket gets punched”, he’ll shove his big hairy arm in your face and wait there expectantly until you present him with a wrist band good for unlimited rides on the “love train”.  And guess what? That damn wristband never expire. Ever.

source www.nationalticket.com

BUCKLE UP

EXPECTANT MOTHERS SHOULD NOT RIDE

REMOVE LOOSE ARTICLES BEFORE BOARDING

REMAIN SEATED AND HOLD ONTO THE BAR

NO SINGLE RIDERS

Can you handle that kind of commitment?  If not, then I say skip the vasectomy and resolve the period issue.

Based on a lifetime of my shitty experiences, here are 5 ways to ensure that your period arrives on time:

1. Wear white pants – Ivory, Eggshell, Pearl, it doesn’t matter, any shade of white will do. I suggest pairing your white pants with a blue top; at least you’ll appear patriotic.

2.  Plan a vacation around your period due date – You don’t actually have to go on the trip, but you will need to plan it in enough detail that the universe believes it’s happening. The universe loves to crap on a great vacation. (*packing your bags will improve results)

3.  Swim with sharks/ Camp with bears – Basically put yourself in any situation in which having your period would be life threatening condition.

4  Go hiking without a tampon – Not any old hiking, this must be “miles from civilization and we have no phone signal” hiking. (*I recommend bringing along a leaf identification book)

5. Plan a date night – This technique works best if you haven’t had sex with your husband in weeks.  Because when Mother Nature hears a booty call, she answers it, “Wrong number, bitch!”

Lucy, these techniques have yet to fail me- and I’m sure, with proper execution, you’ll find them to be as equally effective. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you lots of luck…and no more kids.

XOXO,

Kim