It’s Bento Box Season, Bitches!

Well moms, school’s in full swing and you know what that means, it’s BENTO BOX SEASON! That’s right, right now your Pinterest feed is blowing up with this year’s most breathtaking and creative lunches, their step-by-step instructions reassuring you that all you need to pull off this piece de resistance is the artistic skills of Picasso, the kitchen utensils of Martha Stewart, and the ability of a Whole Foods purchasing agent to secure a steady source of edible modeling clay. No biggie.

Last year, as you may remember, I was introduced to the Bento Box craze when my darling Ana came hightailing it off the bus wondering why her sandwich was two squares of whole wheat, while little Hayden’s was shaped into snowdrifts as part of a lunchboxscape her mom designed based on the movie Frozen. Holy shit. What?

I googled the trend. Then my brain shut down from overload.

“Ana, when I can check ‘Get a Shower‘ off my to-do list with any type of regularity…” throwing baby powder in my hair to soak up the grease, “…that’s when I’ll make an Elsa out of Japanese Nori noodles. At this point, I’m thinking college.”

Later that night, guilt ridden by the lack of specialness my little snowflake felt, but still being me (lazy), I came up with the perfect solution for our family:

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.

Step 2: Arrange money and tape down

Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw a special message.

It’s as easy as that!

Today, I’d like to share with you some of my new designs for the 2015-2016 school year.

This was a First Day favorite…

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

A little hygiene reminder is always a good idea.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Don’t be a sucker!

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Did you know 9 out of 10 junkies said glue was their gateway drug?

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

…or maybe it was heroin?

Just in case.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Asking the tough questions isn’t always easy…

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

…but saying “I Love You” is.

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

You can gather more lazy lunch inspiration from our 2014-2015 school year HERE or visit the “I Ain’t Got Time For That, Here’s Some Lunch Money” Bento Box Pinterest Board.

And please leave a tip or comment sharing  any of your ideas with me, for I am just one lazy motha, but with many lazy mothas, imagine all the things we can avoid accomplishing together!

Exhausted Mothers everywhere, here’s my answer to the horrible Bento Box Fad!

Well, it finally happened, the thing I’ve been dreading…yesterday, my precious daughter rolled off the school bus bitching and moaning about the lack of artistic effort that I’ve been putting into her packed lunches. My first thought, “Oh shit, has she been on Pinterest?” My second thought, “We need to update our parental controls to include Pinterest.”

But no, it seems that some better-than-me mother (who, I guarantee, does have a Pinterest account) has been sending her daughter to school everyday with a lunchbox full of “love” in the form of Disney inspired entrees and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom carrots. And Ana has taken notice. Thanks a lot, lady. Thanks. A. Lot.

According to my daughter, Wednesday’s lunchtime was spent watching little Hayden nibble on Elsa’s certified organic noodle braid, while Ana despondently ate from a zip-lock bag filled with pretzels and an enormous amount of apathy. Her tale of woe was really quite heartbreaking. So, like any guilt-ridden mother, I decided to give this stupid Bento Lunch thing a try.

I promised Ana an Olaf lunch, but when I read the first three ingredients: Japanese Nori noodles, purple seaweed, edible modeling clay, I was all, “Oh heeeellll no!” Packing a lunch should not require me to source food from various specialty shops and craft stores. I haven’t shaved in four days and THAT needs to happen before I start driving around town seeking out cuisine for my 5 year old to throw out.

How’s that Meat Loaf song go?

“I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. Nooooo, I won’t. do. thaaaat.”

But I promised her an Olaf lunch, so it was on to Plan B. Unfortunately, I had no Plan B…at least not until I drank a couple glasses of 2009 Cabernet from the Napa region- that always loosens up my wheels.

And so, exhausted, not-so-perfect mothers everywhere, I’d like to present my “Damn you, Hayden’s mom!” answer to this crazy, expensive, and time consuming lunch fad:

 

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.

Step 2: Arrange money and tape down

Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw the rest.

Olaf says…don’t “flake” on your test!

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox

 

Screw making little broccoli trees with an “I love you!” tediously carved into their stalks with an X-Acto knife while freebasing your blood pressure pills and trying to remember your insurance provider’s Mental Health co-pay. No thank you. Besides, unlike a scene from The Lion King made out of graham crackers and Russian caviar, my “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Boxes provide the perfect canvas for real communication between you and your child:

 

Confronting potty issues:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox  www.OneClassyMotha.com

Offering friendship advice:

 

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox- www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

Calling them out:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

I realize the “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box still requires a minimum amount of effort on your part, which is something I’m normally against, but just think of the look on your child’s face when they open their lunch box and see something like this:

Tired of sculpting carrots and molding eggs into an edible Mona Lisa reproduction? The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box.  #AntiBentoBox - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Arachnophobia, cured. “Thanks, mom!”

Ladies, even if your child doesn’t buy lunch, I’m here on my linoleum floor, begging you to step away from the melon baller and to embrace the beautiful quadrilateral simplicity of a square cheese sandwich. After all, you don’t need to win the “MOM OF THE YEAR” title because, as far as your child is concerned, you already have it.

Please send me your “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box pictures so I can pin them to my Pinterest “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box idea board!

Free Advice Friday! My son’s video games are expensive. Help!

Dear Kim,

I know you have a son the same age as mine, so that’s why I’m asking you this question. My son is always asking for video games, game downloads, and computer games that his friends have so that he can play online with them. He does great in school, plays sports, and does chores around the house so I don’t mind buying him things but it’s getting very expensive. I’d hate for him to not be able to join in with his friends but I can’t keep this up. And it’s not like he’s old enough to work. What should I do?

Advice please!

Misty

 

Dear Misty,

About 8 years ago, my sister-in-law’s uncle’s wife’s friend lived and worked in the small town of Warwick. Most of the town was employed by a factory that made adhesive glue for post-it notes, tape, and stickers. One fateful afternoon, the factory unexplainably blew up, covering the town in a heavy sticky rain. Windshield wipers seized up, birds dropped to the ground, and people stopped in their tracks (mostly because they couldn’t move).

Stuck On You Inc. knew they had a PR emergency on their hands and, in retrospect, regretted their company name.

At first, they tried washing the town with soap and water but their product’s claim of “Super Powerful & 100% Waterproof” turned out to be true. They felt both a sense of pride and a surprised disappointment.

For the next week, Stuck On You Inc. tried everything they could think of, scrapping, smearing peanut butter, spraying acid (that was a very bad idea), nothing worked. Meanwhile, phrases like “I got stuck at work” and “I found myself in a sticky situation” took on a double meaning in Warwick and had to be clarified.

Then one night, a factory executive was watching TV when an infomercial for Goo Gone came on. Having had several tumblers of whiskey, he picked up the phone and ordered 1,000 cases, making him eligible for free shipping & handling and 12 complimentary Sham Wow towels.

7-10 business days later, the townsfolk bonded together (both literally and figuratively) and successfully coated everything in the citrus based Goo Gone. Thankfully, most of the glue was removed but it left Warwick smelling like the bottom of Minute Maid Orange Juice container.

Misty, in memory of this catastrophe, the town actively encourages young residents to set up orange juice stands and to donate their proceeds to the “Great Glue Explosion Fund”. The purpose of this fund is to provide mental health support to those victims still affected by the tragedy, victims like Gloria, whose dog runs away from her whenever she tries to pet him.

“I just want Fluffy to love me again” – Gloria

Misty, in case it isn’t obvious, my advice to you is to tell your son to be grateful he isn’t covered in glue, then have him set up an orange juice stand and use his earnings to buy his own damn video games. And buy Goo Gone, that shit is awesome! *not a sponsored post, but should be. Call me, Goo Gone!

Keep it classy!

Kim

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Free Advice Friday! Dear Kim, I won the lottery…

Dear Kim,

 

I recently won a large amount of money through the lottery. At first I saw it as a blessing but now I feel like my friends and family are using me. Every other day, I receive a call or email from someone asking to “borrow” some money because they think I have it to spare. I want to put this money into savings and I don’t trust that anyone will repay me. I don’t know how to tell them this without ruining relationships. What should I do?

 

Sincerely,

Millionaire Melanie

 

 

Dear Melanie,

 

I know exactly what you’re going through, as something similar happened to me several years ago.

In 1994, I decided I wanted to start my own business, something that required low overhead, minimal skills, and almost zero human interaction. And that’s I how I came up with…

Dingleberry’s Litter Box Service

“We’ve got the scoop on poop!”

I traveled to my clients’ homes and cleaned out their cats’ litter boxes. The only financial investment I had to make was a used produce scale so I could charge by the ounce, and a logo designed by my cousin Eddie (it was a picture of my cat, Skittles, taking a dump while I enthusiastically held a scoop under him. It took 3 weeks and a lot of tuna to get that shot).

As it turns out, Melanie, the stereotype of old ladies owning a shitload of cats is absolutely true. Those crazy cat ladies were the bulk of my business, and I spent most of 1994 surrounded by them, drinking instant Sanka and listening to Elvis records.

Well, one day, while trying to scrape the sides of Snookum’s litter box (I hated that cat, he always crapped on the edge), I received a call from a lawyer.  Apparently, one of my clients had passed away and I was named in her will. Melanie, would you believe she left me her entire coin collection?!!! …pennies, nickles, dimes, quarters, even half-dollars!

But like you, once my family heard that I had thousands of cents in my pocket, they just assumed that I’d pay for everything- wishing wells, bubblegum machines, arcades games, you name it. If it had a coin slot, it was “Kim’s got this”.

So you know what I did? I went straight to the bank, handed the teller all my cents, and traded them in for crisp dollar bills. Then I took those dollar bills and bought a 24-inch color TV from Sears & Roebuck. And that was the end of that! Granted, they started coming over to watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman every Wednesday night, but they never asked for a dime again…or a quarter.

What I’m saying is, you need to invest your money into something, tie it up so that they know it’s not accessible to either lend or spend. Maybe buy yourself a chameleon farm, they’re quiet creatures that blend in with all sorts of shit, you’ll never know they’re there.

Take care, Melanie. And let me know if I can ever help ease your financial burden.

Kim

 

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