-I don’t like sharing my water bottle with you. You put your lips over the whole opening and when you hand it back to me you’re still connected to it by spittle and there’s pieces of food floating in it. It’s disgusting.
-It was us, your mother and father, who bought you the expensive train table, DSi, Sony Playstation, and vacation to Disney- not Santa. And we want some damn gratitude!
-Sometimes I want to skip the whole bedtime routine. I once peed in the backyard while waiting for the babysitter to put you to bed. I sat on the deck and didn’t come in until she texted me you were asleep.
-Sometimes it grosses me out to hold your hand because I know that you were probably just picking your nose.
-I don’t really “go poopy” 5 times a day. I’m most likely in the bathroom reading Vogue, Cosmo, or Better Homes and Garden while making grunting noises.
-It was me, not that gang of squirrels, that ate your Cheddar Goldfish while you were on the swings. And squirrels can’t shoot acorns from their asses as a form of intimidation, I made that up too.
-The park wasn’t closed for slide resurfacing. I just wanted to go home and take my bra and tight jeans off.
-We really do miss you while we’re on vacation, but just at the very end. During the beginning and middle we’re feeling pretty good.
-Yeah… I knew that vaccine shot was going to hurt. “It’ll feel like a mosquito bite” was total BS so I could get you through the door without making a scene.
-Sometimes I prefer the company of the dog because, even though his breath smells like fish (why?), I never get the feeling that he’s deliberately trying to piss me off. Oh, and he and I sometimes talk about you. It’s his opinion that I should try crate training, the fact that you still occasionally crap your pants disgusts him.
-Being a mother is the most difficult, challenging, and exhausting thing I have ever done in my entire life. But at the same time, you are the the most wonderful and amazing person that’s ever happened to me. There is not one moment spent with you that I would trade for all the gold in the world…except maybe that time you threw up in my face.
What’s your confession? I promise not to tell them until they have children of their own.
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