Tip #1 – Greeting Cards
A couple of weeks ago, I gave awesome advice to Valerie about creating her own greeting cards out of construction paper and markers (Never crayons. Crayons say “I don’t give a shit about you, that’s why I’m not writing with anything permanent”). Since then I have received emails from readers stating that they don’t possess the talent nor the desire to create their own clever and offensive verses. Pity. But for these people I have a terrific tip, Modification.
The first thing you need to do is to collect a cheap assortment of greeting cards.
Those black and white cards must of been on clearance.
Don’t spend a lot of money or thought on this. Simply gather any unused cards you can find, from rummage sales, dollar stores, or your grandmother’s basement, and place them in a *reusable grocery bag.
*I like to be Eco-friendly when it’s convenient.
Whenever you need a card I want you to close your eyes, reach into your bag, and have someone make a drum roll sound while you pull one out. It’s not unlike the “3 Strikes” game on the Prices Right (except no one’s holding a dildo shaped microphone and you won’t win a car).
Slightly off topic….here’s Brian and I this Halloween, as Bob Barker and a Prices Right contestant:
Spay and Neuter Your Spouse!
Now here’s the amazing part…I guarantee that any card you pull out can be modified to fit your card-giving situation. I give you the following examples:
A birthday card to my brother…
A birthday card to my Mom…or Mother in law
A birthday or valentines day card to my father-in-law. (admittedly a little icky)
Valentine’s Day card for my husband or boyfriend (just kidding Brian)
to my brother in law…
And don’t forget to make changes to the inside of the card as well. Here’s a birthday card brilliantly retro-fitted for Christmas…
Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!
If you follow me on Facebook or twitter you have already heard Tip #2. For those of you that don’t (why the hell don’t you?) here it is…
Dog walking tip:
If your dog craps and you forgot the poop bag, simply insert a large leaf into the poop by its stem. This serves as both a flag to alert other walkers and as an autumn celebration.
*I thought about taking a picture but I know that many people read my blog while eating. You’re welcome.
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