Dear Kim,
Now that both my children will be in school full time, I plan to go back to work this fall. I recently started looking for a job. I noticed that you’re now expected to tell employers your asking salary instead of them telling you what the position pays. I’ve been out of the work force so long that I’m not sure I feel confident enough to ask for the salary I really want. How do I begin to build my confidence?
Gina in Meekington, MO
Dear Gina,
It seems to me that you need to get a set of balls! Honestly Gina, learning to juggle can do wonders for your self-esteem.
But if you don’t have a local Juggling/Circus school nearby (boo!), there are other ways to work on your confidence level.
What you really need to do is to practice your negotiating skills. Start small with interpersonal relationships: the babysitter wants $10.00 an hour, you offer $7.00, your husband wants sex, you say “not tonight but maybe tomorrow”, you’re getting a bikini wax, make her throw in a free upper lip. Trust me Gina, your confidence will build quicker than the dust on your sex toy collection!
Next, move on to negotiations within the corporate world. Gina, it’s imperative that you’re constantly on the look out for any opportunity that allows you to sharpen this skill. Take this sign, for example…
“A penny for your thoughts”
…and my subsequent letter to them:
Dear WSFS,
I rode by your bank the other day and noticed that you’re currently offering to pay your customers a penny for their thoughts. While I’m highly flattered that you would place any value on my thinking, I’m equally insulted by their estimated worth. A penny? For ALL of my thoughts? Granted, I have a lot of bullshit going on up there, but a penny?
So after stopping at the bakery, tanning salon, and liquor store, I headed over to Citizen Bank where I met with a nice man named Chad. After listening to some of my sample thoughts on religion, politics, and home decor, Chad assured me that his bank was prepared to offer me a penny PER thought! That’s almost like 5 times what you’re willing to pay! I’m going to need you to beat that.
Here’s just one of the gems that the lucky bank can expect from me:
“I bet a picture of a naked woman on the front of the toilet tank would motivate a man to put the seat down.”
Boom!
And I have plenty more where that came from!
WSFS, I need to hear a strong counteroffer by midnight tonight (12am EST), otherwise Citizen bank will be the proud owner of ALL of my thoughts (or as many as it takes to afford one of those cute capuchin monkeys).
Sincerely,
Kim
www.oneclassymotha.com
Gina, with practice, you’ll soon feel confident enough to demand the salary you deserve!
Sincerely,
Kim
www.oneclassymotha.com
P.S. Don’t go with National Bank. The huge sign in their lobby says “We want your two cents!” In my opinion, asking your customers for money is no way to run a business.
*DISCLOSURE: The above thoughts are the disappointed property of WSFS Bank.
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