Today we had a fancy breakfast in the hotel restaurant. And by fancy, I mean breakable china and tapestry covered chairs which I’m guessing weren’t Scotch Guarded. I was nervous about it but the kids did alright; nothing was broken and nobody pissed themselves. I call that a success.

After breakfast we made the 1/2 mile trek to the National Aquarium, it was crazy freezing. And the whole walk was filled with Collin bitching about not taking a cab.

If you’ve never been to the National Aquarium in Baltimore I highly suggest you go, it’s an awesome place! Except they don’t have penguins or sea otters. I was way pissed about the sea otters ’cause I loooove sea otters. I swear, if I could keep one for a pet I would.  I’d name him Timmy and hand feed him cans of sardines while he floated on his back in my jacuzzi tub. He’d never have to smash open another clam again as long as I was around.  I would give him the life his parents never had.

That’s right Timmy! A lifetime supply of shucked oysters!

Despite the absence of penguin & otter, we had a really great time.  The only thing that marred the trip was maybe Ana’s foot getting stuck under a revolving door*.

*she also got stuck in the aquarium’s 4-D movie theater seat, it folded with her in it. But that’s small potatoes in our world so I won’t expand.

Something told me I should have carried her through the revolving door…it was the sign that said “Warning, Carry Small Children Through the Revolving Door”.

Anyway she got ahead of me and jumped in the door with Collin. I was about to enter behind them but a mother and son stormed in front of me. Ok, maybe they didn’t ‘storm’ but this is my story.

So this little boy pushes the door much too hard and fast causing Ana to trip and fall. I expected her to get right back up but she just sat there crying, essentially trapping her and Collin in the revolving door. So he starts banging on the glass door, fogging it up and mouthing the words ‘Help me’, while I’m yelling for Ana to “Please get up! Keep moving!”  But she doesn’t. In fact, her screaming starts to escalate as she pulls on her leg. Then I see it, holy shit, her foot is somehow stuck UNDER the revolving door!

I rush over and try to push her foot back under but it won’t budge. People start to crowd around and begin shouting out helpful ideas “pull the door” “push harder” “cut the leg off”. Finally I hear “take the shoe off”. Ding Ding Ding, I think we have a winner. But the problem was I couldn’t reach the top of her shoe. So I begin giving Collin directions through the glass.  Man oh man, I felt like I was in one of those movies where the pilot is knocked unconscious and the ground control has to instruct an ordinary passenger on how to land the plane. And judging by the panicked look in Collin’s eyes, I thought we were all going to crash.

I have to give him props though, he did eventually release her from the shoe. And somehow she pulled her shit together enough to walk out of the ‘revolving door of death’. The mother of the little boy apologized but the kid gave Ana a crappy look for holding him up. Nice. By the way, this all happened as we were leaving the exhibit, Australia: Dangerous Extremes. The irony was not lost on me.

After the aquarium we walked over to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch/dinner (it was 3:30pm). Of course they had a revolving door so Ana was trembling. As we were sitting there looking at the memorabilia, Collin sees this picture…

and an Abbott and Costello routine unfolded:

Him: Is that a famous football team?

Me: No, The Who

Him: Those guys right there.

Me: I know, that’s The Who

Him: I don’t know who it is. If I did I wouldn’t ask you.

Me: It’s a band called The Who

Him (getting really pissed): I. DON’T. KNOW!

Me: I can’t take this. Just read it.

Him (reads it): ohhh! The Who is a band.

I ordered a margarita on the rocks with salt.

I would like to take a moment here to praise my son. Before we left the restaurant he decided he wanted to donate $5.00 of his allowance to WhyHunger.org, a charity that seeks to end poverty and hunger (Hard Rock is a long-time partner of this organization). I didn’t prompt this at all! He’s such a sweet boy. Frustrating but sweet.

Once in the hotel room, I got in my PJ’s and attempted to relax. Unfortunately the “Mom, look I’m flying” yell unsettled me.  This is what I saw…

Ana takes a gymnastics class that incorporates the rings, so the fact that she thought these curtain pulls were made for swinging made horrific sense.

Again, back to relaxing.

“Mom! Ana is looking at her pee in the toilet and her hair is dipping in it!” Jesus!

Everyone eventually fell asleep but I stayed up way too late so I could soak in the quiet. We head home tomorrow. And while we had a great time, I’m ready to get back to a place where doors separate rooms and children go to school.

(Free Adivce Friday will return next week)