As I lay there dreaming of puppies and kittens, I was awakened by something being shoved up my nose and a voice saying “Eww, smell my finger, it stinks!”

Needless to say, I snapped my head away so quickly that I pulled a muscle in my neck. Thanks Ana, I now require warm up exercises to check my side view mirrors when driving.

I yelled “beat it, kid!” and pulled the covers over my head.  I had to get back to my flowery meadow where kittens play soccer with balls made of yarn and puppies work the concession stand selling hot dogs…hot dogs.  Hahaha, dogs selling dogs!Subconscious, you’re a freakin genius!

But moments later Collin came into my bedroom complaining of how hungry he was.  He was getting on my damn nerves with cries of  “I’m seriously starving”, “I’m going to die if I don’t eat”, and my favorite “My body is starting to shut down”. This went on for hours- it was sooo annoying!

I eventually went downstairs and found him sitting at the kitchen table holding a fork and sucking in his stomach so that his ribs were showing. I firmly (bitchingly) told him I wasn’t his slave and he could have fed himself if he was so damn hungry (though I didn’t say “damn” because I don’t curse in front of my kids…not that they can hear anyway).

Collin- “But we don’t have anything to eat”

Me- “Oh really, is that right? We only have a whole refrigerator full of stuff you could feed yourself with.”

Collin – “Like what?”

Me- (opening the refrigerator and looking in) “you could have had…umm

(tip: a mother must never lose a battle of wits no matter how much BS you to need to pull out of your ass to win)

…umm.. pickles, salami, mayo, limes…no wait, those limes are for my margaritas, don’t touch them. But everything else is totally edible.”

We both knew I was full of crap…what we really had was a refrigerator full of condiments, expired lunch meats, and bacterial yogurt that makes you poop 10x a day.

Mental notes:

go to the grocery store

clean out the fridge

tell Ana to keep her hands out of her pants

After he ate he must of felt bad about the whole thing because he offered to feed the dog.

 Me- “No thanks,Mr.Bojangles already ate.”

Collin- “What? When?” looking confused

Me- “Earlier. He seemed hungry so I jumped out bed, fed him, and made your sister a 3 egg omelet with toast. Then I went back to sleep. Why do you think I was so tired?”

Of course It wasn’t true, but it had the desired effect of pissing him off.

Passive-Aggressive Tactics

Me- 1

Collin- 0

Around 10:30am I met a couple of the girls down at the lake for a 5 mile run. Hahaha, I know, right! No way in hell was I able to do a 5 mile run- but as my family always says, I’d go to a shit eating contest if I could go alone. It’s one of my mottos along with “Half-assed is better than no ass” and “There’s no “i” in team but there is an “m” and an “e”” (I think you heard me use that last motto here.)

These girls were no joke, wearing their running gear, complete with multiple distance tracker thingies and an iPhone velcroed to their arm. I assumed we would slowly warm up by walking for the first 2 miles while discussing hairstyles, boys, and our periods. Nope, I got a “let’s go!” and they started running. WTF? STARTED freakin running! I threw my iPhone in my cleavage and prayed I had enough boobage to keep it there.

I managed to keep up with them for what felt like hours but what was actually a half mile. Then I got side tracked when I saw the cows at the nearby farm lined up at the fence. I waved to them like I usually do when I pass, but I didn’t get much of an acknowledgement. They didn’t recognize me without my car.

Is that you Kim? Did your car break down?

Sometime during the first mile I lost sight of the girls. Good riddance. They were only a reminder of how much I sucked. So I texted them the following message:

And that’s what I did. They invited me to go running with them again next weekend. I laughed and slipped each one a $20 and said “if my husband asks, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And there’s another $20 in it for you if you stop by the lake afterwards to give me believable details of our run “.

There are a lot of things I can do…

1. Give a cat CPR and bring him back from the dead. (And he still hated me.)

2. Open a wine bottle with only a screw and pliers.

MacGyver with a drinking problem.

3. Roller skate backwards after 3 beers (but not before).

We have it on video if anyone needs proof.

but I cannot run 3 2 1 mile to save my life! That’s ok, I’ll just pretend I did and continue to sit by the lake.

Please take a moment to acknowledge my shaved ankles.