Our gym offers a wonderful program called “Kids Night Out”, which is an evening that allows parents to drop their kids off from 6-9pm so that they (the parents) can spend 3 hours actually talking to one another without interruption or wiping an ass.
Prior to this past Friday, we had only done this once before. We sold our 8 year old on the idea by convincing him that it was an opportunity to go swimming, to play soccer, and to meet new and exciting friends. But when we picked him up and asked him to tell us about the cool things he did, he shoved this in our faces…
Make a wish! What? You wish your parents didn’t suck?
Unfortunately, he was an 8 year old among 4 year olds and as such, he was pressured into coloring fairy wands with broken and chewed crayons. I responded with “that stinks, but hey- you did a great job staying in the lines”. I think this only agitated him further because he walked away, leaving my high five hanging.
So it came as no surprise that we needed to do little bribing to get him into “Kids Night Out” again with minimum bitching. Ana, on the other hand, was happy to go. Here she is on the way to the gym…
An eye for an eye mom, an eye for an eye…
Yes, she’s reading the New Testament again. Though maybe “reading” is the wrong word, it’s really more like staring at me while turning the pages. I’ll be honest, it scares me a little. I keep waiting for her head to spin around and pop tarts to start spewing out.
So we dropped the kids off and headed to a nice wine bar/restaurant. We engaged in real conversations, composed of complete sentences and the occasional bad word. It was lovely. Then I happened to offhandedly mention a change in our weekend plans.
Brian: “What?! You’re dropping this on me now, while we’re out at dinner?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”
Me: “My god, I’m sooorry, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Jeez, it’s not like I’m saying ‘I have crabs!’ ugh.”
Well, my retort wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t of raised my voice on the second half of that last sentence.
This is what the other diners witnessed…
Me- “I HAVE CRABS!” (while doing jazz hands, no less).
I think our friends (oh did I mention we were out with another couple?) were a little uncomfortable. I’m not sure if it was the sudden tension between Brian and I or the crabs announcement. The husband gave a nervous laugh and his wife opened her menu to hide her face, muttering something about trying the Schnitzel. What the hell is Schnitzel?
The meal concluded with my friend and I going to the bathroom. Instead of the usual stall set up, it was one of those big single bathrooms that’s decorated like a mini family room with the toilet in the center. This bathroom was clearly meant for entertaining, so she did what any good hostess would do, she invited me in to relax on the chaise while she peed. And then we traded places. I admit, it was a little weird. I mean the whole chaise thing was weird, not the peeing in front of each other. In fact, once you’re a mom, peeing in front of other people is the norm, it’s almost lonely otherwise.
After dinner, we picked up the kids. I breathed a sigh of relief that Collin wasn’t as pissed as last time. Apparently, the teachers took pity on him and let him kick a ball in the gym in lieu of macaroni art.
So, despite my crabs announcement, I consider it a successful date night…but maybe not for the couple that came with us, they probably have higher standards.
