Inspiration is happening all up in here!

Over the weekend I attended a craft fair (as a crafter- don’t ask), and I saw something by another crafter that inspired me. It wasn’t so much as what she made, but rather the mechanics behind it. So I’m spending today designing, producing, and documenting my creation so that I can share it with you tomorrow as my “Tip for Tuesday”.

I can’t tell you what it is but I can assure you that it’s totally disgusting and inappropriate for polite company. Intrigued? Thought so.

In the meantime, enjoy this photo. Ana says it’s a picture of “Me and my Christmas honkey”. That was just too funny to correct.

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Free Advice Friday: Mom, is Santa real? crap.

Dear Kim,

My daughter has been asking me if Santa is real. What should I say?

Nancy in North Poleless, TX

 

Dear Nancy,

I’m so sorry that you’re faced with the god awful “Santa” discussion, it’s almost worse than talking about sex.  But here’s my advice, lie.

I’m not suggesting that you lie by telling her Santa exists, I’m suggesting that you say he died. That’s right. Dead. Gone. Over the rainbow and all that shit. And here’s the reason…if you admit that you’ve participated in years and years of deception and all that “Santa won’t bring you anything” crap was just an empty threat, then you’ve lost her. And all the values you’ve worked so hard to instill in her, with lessons like “you can get pregnant just from kissing a boy”, “masturbation will cause blindness”, and “an angel dies every time your curse”  will go right down the toilet.  You must lie to maintain your credibility.

It’s important, however, that you realize your daughter will need time to deal with Santa’s death.  You must be ready to be a supportive parent while she goes through the 5 stages of grief.  Luckily I can help you with that too.

Nancy, did you know that in 1996 I spent 6 months working as a grief counselor?  That’s right, I worked for an fabulous therapist by the name of Wong, Dr. Wut S. Wong.

I was amazed by Dr. Wong’s ability to soothe a grieving widow and to put a smile on her face. And I spent every moment eagerly soaking up all the knowledge he had to offer…until the day the police showed up. It turns out Dr. Wong was a con-man / method actor.  He was just running a scam to meet a wealthy widow to support him in case his callback for the Broadway musical “Rent” never came.  The irony is, his callback did come but he was under house arrest.

This unfortunate turn of events left me unemployed but I was determined to continue counseling.  While looking for a job, I took courses through my local community college.That’s when I realized that Dr. Wong was a complete fraud.  I should have known that the “5 Stages of Grief” weren’t: Sad, Pissed, Throwing Shit Out, and All Better Now. Hell, that’s only 4 steps. I really ignored the red flags.  Not to mention, Dr. Wong had blue eyes and red hair.

After graduating from college, I found another position with a charitable organization. And I’m proud to say, that while I was there, I established a weekly support group for those in mourning called Delivering Empathy & Alliance Through Humanity.  I referred to them as our D.E.A.T.H. meetings.

Nancy, here are the real “5 Stages of Grief” and what you can expect from your daughter in each one.

Denial– She’s going to think you’re totally bullshitting her on this one, after all, you’ve lied before.  To be convincing, you must be ready with details.  For example, you need to know HOW Santa died.  I always say “he died from the stress of your gift demands”. Also, I find that presenting cigarette ashes in a Christmas stocking while saying, “Here, Santa would want you to have his charred remains” is a really nice touch.  And it gives her some tangible proof.

Anger–  She’ll be angry with the possibility that she may be getting fewer gifts.  Kids are greedy bastards.

Bargaining–  Expect a lot of “buy me_____,  or I’ll tell my baby sister he died”.

Depression– She’ll be sad until you buy a really great gift. A pony or an iPhone usually does the trick.

Acceptance– Santa who?

Nancy, I hope I was able to help you.  I also offer advice on how to successfully address other sensitive topics like “Where do babies come from“.  In fact, I’m currently writing an Ebook called, Raising Kids: Their Questions, Your Answers, &  Martini Recipes.  I’ll drop you a line when it becomes available on Amazon.com.

Sincerely,

Kim

Friday at the Vet’s

I know, I know, I usually mention my weekend happenings on Mondays, but I got a little side tracked with my fuzzy feeling, armless, dog story. It was a good one, wasn’t it? You can read it again here.

If you follow me on twitter you may be familiar with this story. And if you don’t follow me on twitter, umm…maybe you should start. My handle is @mothakim – 10-4 little buddy.

Friday

I had to take Buddy, our 3-legged foster dog, to the vets.

Question: Is the fact that he has 3 legs relevant to the story?

Answer: No. But I like saying it – “Buddy, our 3 legged foster dog”

Anyway, the earliest appointment I could get was at 2:15 pm, which meant Ana had to come with me. And wherever Ana goes, a blog post magically writes itself.

We arrived at the vets a few minutes early, so I was a little surprised when they took us into the tiny examination room right away. I can only assume they recognized Ana from the ‘water cooler incident’ and wanted to contain little Miss Liability.

dun dum dun dum dun dun dun dun

I swear we waited in that room for over a half hour while vet techs came in and out, reminding us that the doctor would be in soon. Meanwhile Ana was in full-on bitch mode. “I’m thirsty” “I’m hungry” “I have to go pee pee”. The “pee pee” threat is the one that made me nervous.

I really didn’t want to leave the examination room. I had that deli counter feeling- you know the one, they’d call my number “29…29…29…” but I wouldn’t hear it because I’m making a mad dash to grab my Tampax Tampons (I swear they should sponsor me). Next thing I know the deli guy has moved on to customer 30 and I’m back at that stupid red dispenser pulling number 92.

So I say to Ana, “Can you hold it?”

Her response?

“Uck, ok, but then I have to wash my hands” and she starts pulling her pants down…(???)

Oh. my. god. she’s going to pee in her hands…to literally hold it!

She’s not playing around. So now I have no choice but to abandon the examination room in search of the restroom.

I find the bathroom. It’s one of those overly large single toilet rooms, the kind that can accommodate a wheelchair, or a mariachi band if you want to have company while you shit. So the three of us (oh yeah, Buddy our 3-legged foster dog) head in. I get Ana on the toilet, I’m watching her balance on the edge of this toilet, and I hear a familiar tinkling sound…only it’s not coming from her.

I look over my shoulder and Buddy is urinating on the trashcan! His leg is hitched high over his head, and I gasp as I watch him tip over in mid stream (because he has 3 legs), urine going everywhere. And for a moment, I’m not sure if I’m suppose to be angry or not. I mean, it is a bathroom, Ana is peeing, who knows, maybe Buddy is super smart and was holding it for the bathroom. And if that’s the case, can I really yell at him? I clean it up, think about telling the receptionist, then decide to spare Buddy from the embarrassment of his faux paw (get it? faux paw!).

We head back into the room and the doctor finally comes in. She kicks Buddy’s tires, gives me a laundry list of recommended improvements (including teeth cleaning for $1000) and says “So you’re hoping to find someone to adopt a 6 year old, 3 legged dog? Good luck with that.”

Buddy and I look at each other, and I give him a mental high five for peeing on her floor.

Tips for Tuesday! A fabulous guest post!

As you know, I’m a sucker for tips.  Well, not the “how to better organize your spice rack” kind of tips (although I could really use that)

Well, I know where the onion powder is.

but the kind of tip that makes you laugh and then think “I’m totally trying that crazy shit!”  I found one of those tips over at my friend Dani’s blog, www.cloudywithachanceofwine.com and I had to share it with you…it’s that brilliant! Enjoy and take notes!

Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

Today, I’m sharing my secret recipe for blueberry pancakes, which are sure to put a smile on your kids faces (and make your husband pinch your ass when your kids aren’t looking).

Now, before we start, let’s get one thing straight: I do not enjoy cooking.

At all.

But we can’t eat take-out every night, and The Hubs has turned down all 536 of my requests for a personal chef, so I’ve been forced to suck it up and find easy ways to feed the 3 of us on a daily basis.

I mostly recycle the same meals over and over, but on occasion, when I wake up on the right side of the bed and don’t find myself in a wine-infused haze*, I get the overwhelming urge to try something different.

*This only happens about once every 3-4 months.

Saturday was one of those days.

I made my infamous blueberry pancakes for breakfast, and The Hubs almost dry-humped my leg.

They were that good.

And now, I’m sharing my secret recipe with you:

1. Invest in toys both your child(ren) and your husband enjoy playing with so you’re guaranteed some time alone in the kitchen. Sesame Street DVDs and Bristle Blocks do the trick in our house:

Bristle Blocks2 1024x656 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

2. Gather all of your provisions together. For this recipe, you’ll need fresh blueberries, butter, flour, a frying pan, a spatula, a large bowl, water (tap is fine), and plates.

3. Clean blueberries and set aside.

4. Grab your best frying pan and place it over medium heat.

5. Wait a few minutes, and then place a good chunk of butter in the middle of the frying pan and reduce to low heat.

pancakes melting butter2 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

6. Remove toaster pancakes from the freezer. Do this quickly so no one sees them.

pancakes package1 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

Tip: I like to buy my toaster pancakes during the week so I can remove them from the box and throw the box away before The Hubs gets home.

4. Add 1 pancake to your frying pan. While it is cooking, spread the remaining butter around the pan, letting it burn off a little. This will give the frying pan that “I’ve-just-cooked-6-pancakes” look while also permeating the air with the scent of freshly cooked, buttery goodness.

pancakes cooking 23 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

5. Toast remaining pancakes, 2 at a time, in your toaster.

toaster1 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

6. Bang pots and utensils around so it sounds like you’re slaving away in the kitchen. Be careful not to be too loud – you don’t want anyone to come in and check up on you.

7. Place a large bowl in the sink, fill it with water until it is overflowing, add a fork, and then sprinkle some flour on top.

pancakes sink2 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

7. Bang around some more.

8. When your pancakes are thoroughly toasted, place them on a plate, add a chunk of butter on top, and then microwave them on high heat for approximately 15 seconds (or until the butter is sufficiently starting to melt).

pancakes microwave1 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

9. Add blueberries on top.

10. Bang around some more.

11. Ensure the pancake you are cooking in your frying pan is sufficiently burnt so as to be inedible.

pancakes burnt1 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

12. Bend over and touch your toes. Remain in this position for a few minutes so the blood rushes to your head and makes you look flushed.

13. Rub some flour on your nose and cheeks and haphazardly tie your hair on top of your head so you look sufficiently disheveled.

14. Yell, “BREAKFAST IS READY!” just as you are putting pancakes on the kitchen table.

pancakes breakfast is ready1 Easy blueberry pancakes (and how to get your husband to do the dishes)

15. Feign exhaustion and graciously allow your husband to do the dishes while you go for a well-earned, mid-morning nap.

You’re welcome.

———-For more Tips for Tuesday, go to my home page and find them located under the “Categories” dropbox on my sidebar.

And visit Dani by clicking her button below (sounds dirty, doesn’t it?).

Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
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