Happy Halloween and a dead cat.

October 31, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

I have some very sad news…I just came back from putting our 19 year old cat to sleep. I have never had to do that before and it broke my heart.

I was very concerned about how Collin would handle the news.  I even thought about hiding it from him until tomorrow so that it wouldn’t damper his Halloween excitement.  Unfortunately, when I walked in the door, my red eyes gave it away. So I took a deep breath and delivered the most comforting speech I could.

Well, um, he handled it pretty damn well.  In fact, he was more upset the day his hermit crab died, and he only knew him for 3 days.  I kinda get it though- while I loved Chloe dearly, I have to admit she wasn’t the most emotionally stable animal…only the good die young, right? And she was old…so very old.

Anyway, I’m in mourning.  No one else, just me.

In the meantime, I thought I’d entertain you with a few pics of the very much alive, Mr. Bojangles, getting his Luau costume on…

I am NOT wearing the matching shirt.

what did I just say?!. Back the hell up with that palm tree lookin’ shit!

I SWEAR I’LL EAT YOUR FIRST BORN!

Bitch. I can’t even look at you right now.

Happy Halloween!  Stay safe, warm, and check your apples for razor blades!

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Tips for Tuesday – my home after the hurricane

October 30, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Last night, we were in Hurricane Sandy’s direct path yet somehow we were fortunate enough to awake this morning with power and without damage to our home. Notice I said “without damage to our home”, because 36 hours in the basement with my family has damaged my mental state.

I’m going to keep today’s tips short because I’m eager to head into the woods and wander aimlessly for hours.

Today’s tips are quite personal. This is what I recommend if you live in my area:

1. Tell anyone and everyone how thankful you are to have escaped this storm relatively unscathed. Sends kind thoughts, words, and/or prays to those that have been affected by Sandy.

2. Spend about a minute quietly bitching about all the time and preparation that went into getting ready for this storm, only to not need any of it. Then realize you’re going to hell for having such stupid thoughts. Would you rather have had tragedy strike? God, Kim, what the hell is wrong with you?

3. Get on the internet, read about all the destruction in nearby cities, then feel extremely grateful that the worst things you have to clean up are Reese’s wrappers and empty chip bags.

4. Stop eating all the junk food you bought. The storm is over. You can stop eating now.

5. Get away from one another. Divide the house into sections and assign each family member their own area. If you have young children, I find that visual boundaries made from sidewalk chalk, duct tape, or sofa pillows makes it easier for them to define where they can and can’t go. The cat chose to make her perimeter out of vomit.

We gave her the room with the most toys. Tell me I’m not a good mom!

6. Make it clear to all family members that there should be minimal interactions today. All communication should be via text, email, handwritten note, or drawings (for the little ones).

7. Because you ate all of your Halloween candy last night, tomorrow is the perfect opportunity to get rid of all the unused hurricane supplies you stocked up on. A roll of toilet paper will last way longer than that Kit Kat.

Trick or treat, give me something good to wipe my ass with

8. Take a deep breath. I’m happy your day is uneventful enough that you have time to read this silly little blog! And I’m certainly thankful that I can write it!

Off to the woods…

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Preparing to Lose My Mind- Hurricane Sandy

October 29, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Mental and physical preparations for this storm have been extremely stressful for our family. At first we said “screw it all” and considered leaving the area. But because I insisted that we take the dog with us, we had to find a dog friendly hotel. After calling around, the only affordable hotel with availability, that would accept a big dog, was The Red Roof Inn. Um, no thanks. If we can’t ride out the storm in a 4 star suite we’d rather stay home and risk death. That’s how we roll.

Once we officially announced that we were going to hunker down, I decided that we just had to have a camp stove. So my hunt began late Sunday morning. That was stupid. Apparently everyone else wanted a camp stove too, but they were smart enough to buy one in advance. At every store I walked in, the salesmen laughed at me like I was a pregnant woman looking to buy condoms “too late lady, too late”.

On my way out of one store, I heard the salesman say “Remember, camp stoves are designed for outdoor use. Make sure you’re in a well ventilated area because carbon monoxide..blah blah blah” That’s all I needed to hear. Right there I knew that a camp stove was not for us. I’m that OCD person that checks that their curling iron is turned off before leaving the house, at least 5 times – never mind worrying about carbon monoxide “the silent killer” (or is that hypertension?)

*NOTE- OH MY GOD, GUYS…as I’m writing this, the kids are constantly fighting and interrupting me…and we’re not even in the basement yet!!! Is there such a thing as an inappropriate time to drink on a day like this?

Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah…

So over the past 24 hours, I told everyone that they were responsible for gathering what they thought were important items to take to the basement. We agreed on many things: flashlights, water, batteries, snacks, etc. But some of our priorities were not in alignment and that’s where the bickering began.

Our basement was getting filled to the gill and we had to make some cuts (the violin) and tough choices. It’s like that game: if you were going to be stranded on an island and could only take 1 thing, what would it be? In the end, I chose wine, Brian picked chocolate, Collin took 1,000 tiny Lego pieces that will wedge up our asses in the darkness, and Ana grabbed as many stuffed animals as her little arms would hold. (And Mr.Bojangles took his bacon flavored bone- if you care).

And get a look at our non-perishable food stash that is meant to sustain us in the event that we are stranded for a week or more…

No need for a can opener.

I’m guessing we’ve made some poor choices.

I can’t even imagine the evening that we’re in for. Wait, yes I can- the power will go out, the kids will wrestle, the dog will crap on the floor (in the dark), and there’ll be plenty of yelling and crying (both emanating from me).

When we emerge from this storm, I can almost guarantee you’ll see marks on the basement door where I tried to claw my way out.

I have to go now because everyone is in a tizzy and driving me craaazy! It’s getting increasingly hard to string sentences together.

If you’re in the Northeast too, stay safe, stay dry, stay sane! I’ll catch up with everyone when the power returns.

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Free Advice Friday – WTF Greeting Cards

October 26, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I’m terrible at remembering to buy greeting cards, so I always end up sending them late. Do you think that’s really rude? If so, any suggestions to help me remember?

Sincerely,

Valerie in Nocardforu, AZ

 

Dear Valerie,

I understand- we all get busy and remembering to buy cards for holidays and special occasions can be difficult. However, because friends and family really do treasure our thoughtfulness, we should always make an effort to send cards in a timely fashion.

You’ve really come to the right place for advice, Valerie. Did you know that, from March 2009-September 2009, I owned a greeting card company? That’s right, it was the brainchild of six glasses of wine, a carton of unfiltered Marlboro’s, and some really really bad advice.

My company specialized in niche greeting cards, creating cards for those special moments that most mainstream companies overlook. My company was called With Tender Feelings, or WTF cards.

The company logo was a picture of 2 hills with 1 tall mountain in the center, it represented our superiority in the card industry. It was my idea to add a window at the top of our mountain to let our customers know that we are always watching them and considering their needs.

Brilliant, right?!

Maybe you’ve seen or even purchased some of our greetings?

Perhaps this one for vasectomies:

We wanted a kid

now we’re done

I popped out six

instead of one

 

There’s no more sex

between us, thanks

unless you’re snipped

and shooting blanks

 

For the love of god, please get a vasectomy!

 

Or for a Polygamist wedding:

Congratulations on your marriage

you’ve found “the one” again

your wives are lucky ladies

to welcome sister-wife #10

 

I think you’ve made a awesome choice

and all my wives concur

as we Polygamist say

“the more the marry- her!”

 

Unfortunately Valerie, we didn’t survive our first year in business.

I had just outsourced the production of my cards to a little factory in NY, called No.1 Factory. A few weeks into production, I was notified that the factory was operating under “sweat shop” conditions. Before I knew it, I was contacted by our local newspaper requesting a comment from our public relations department. Unfortunately, I was the PR department.

I spoke frankly, saying “I really don’t care if it is a sweat shop! Who am I to tell them how to run their business? Don’t we all want to save a buck?”

My comments were met with a huge backlash- stock plummeted, sales dropped, and we were forced to close our basement doors forever. And all because someone was too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.

I still don’t get why anyone cared. I,for one, prefer to work in the heat. I once had a boss that kept the office ridiculously cold. Most of my paychecks went towards buying plaster lined bras just to keep my nipples from showing! Though, to be fair, my nipples are super sensitive. I swear they can tell you which way the wind is blowing.

So Valerie, Here’s my advice based on months of experience…buy a stack of construction paper and some markers (not crayons, crayons are so unprofessional) and make your own cards. You’ll always have a card when you need it AND it will be super personal.

example:.

Remember yesterday

when you cried “I’m getting fat!”?

Well, I bought you a birthday cake

just don’t have ice cream with that.

 

Happy Birthday Lisa!

 

Trust me, this is a win-win solution!

Kim S.

previous CEO of now defunct WTF inc.

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