پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Free Advice Friday! Are your kids spoiled?

Dear Kim,

I feel like I spoil my kids (ages 14 & 16) too much, they’re always “What about me, me, me?!” They think everything we do should contribute to their happiness, and if it doesn’t then it’s not worth doing. How can I turn this boat around and get them thinking about other people’s needs?

Thank you!

Selfless Sally

 

 

Dear Sally,

That sucks.

Sally, what you need to do is to get your family into some type of community volunteer activity. Oh sure, they’ll kick and scream at first but the trick is to keep trying different programs until they find the volunteer position that really speaks to them.

Having tried several hundred organizations myself, here’s a heads up on a few: the SPCA will want you to change litter boxes and clean up hairballs, Hospice meetings are usually held on Friday afternoons putting a damper on Happy Hour, and the Big Sister/Big Brother program will most likely involve Saturday mornings and not being hung over. Oh, and none of them pay, so going in with a well rehearsed salary negotiation speech isn’t necessary. That was embarrassing.

After spending months looking for something that was rewarding, yet requiring little effort on my part, I decided to create my own volunteer organization, NewsPooper Tails. I reunite lost pets with their owners merely by reading the lost & found section of various local newspapers. For example, if I see person A lost a yellow lab in the Blake Park area, and person B found a yellow lab in the Blake Park area, BINGO! I make the call to both! I’m like a match maker for the common-sense challenged.

Of course, this type of work does have its risks. I remember this one time, I saw an ad for a missing black dachshund and another for a found black dachshund. I thought to myself, “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), how many black weiner dogs are actually roaming the streets? This must be a match!”

So I called the owner and she was so estatic! She said that the dachshund had been sitting in front of her house when her neighbors saw her ex-boyfriend come by and take it. “Why would he do that?” I asked. “Who knows. But I’m just so worried. The last time this happened, he banged it in the rear.”

“What? That’s horrible!” I screamed “I’ll be right over!”

So I picked up the dog from the lady who found it and headed over to the owner’s home. The moment she opened the door, the dog jumped out of my arms, ran over to an ugly ass recliner, lifted his leg and peed. She glared at me, “What’s up with your dog peeing on my chair?” MY DOG?

Turns out her ex-boyfriend banged the rear of her 1982 black Datsun…not Dachshund. I guess mistakes like that are one reason not to place your ads over the phone.

Sally, rest assure, this good deed has a somewhat happy ending.

Her neighbor’s ended up keeping the dachshund and naming him Rusty (after the condition of the car). They loved him dearly. And would you believe that a year later, Rusty saved their lives by barking when their dried out Christmas tree caught on fire! Granted, it only caught on fire because his doggie diabetes caused him to drink the tree stand water every night. However, the newspapers were kind enough to leave that part out, believing that every dog should have his day.

Sally, I hope I was able to inspire you and your children to seek out altruistic endeavors by giving back to your community. I must go now, it’s cocktail hour and I’m “donating” margaritas to myself and my husband. After all, charity starts at home!

Voluntarily yours,

Kim

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Free Advice Friday! From Frumpy to Fabulous!

Dear Kim,

The summer season will be here next week and I look like crap. I dread taking my kids to the pool! Do you have any tips or advice to get me in shape quick? Ok, maybe not in shape, but maybe feeling better about myself?

Sincerely,

Frumpy in Frampton

 

 

Dear Frumpy,

Obviously you haven’t seen my body lately. In fact, just before reading your letter I was trying to determine if I prefer my chocolate chips to be milk chocolate or dark chocolate. I tried doing a blind taste test with my industrial sized Costco bags, but no one was there to tell me which one I selected. So tomorrow I’m setting up a scoring system and creating elimination rounds based on flavor, texture, swimwear, and raw talent. I hear milk Chocolate will perform a fire swallowing act- clearly a bad decision. But I digress…

Frumpy, despite my recent weight gain, I do have some advice for you (and trust me, I’d look a lot worse if I didn’t follow it).

 

Diet

Eat healthier! Avoid sugars, simple carbs, and alcohol on weekdays, between the hours of 9am – 9:15am. If you slip up, don’t be too hard on yourself, fifteen minutes is a long time to abstain.

Also, consider replacing the unhealthy snacks in your house with healthy ones, something you’d never eat in a million years. For example, try replacing Doritos with Mexican Spice flavored worms,
20130524-002233.jpg

or substituting potato chips with salt & vinegar crickets,
20130524-002538.jpg

or chocolate bars with laxatives.

 

Water

Drink water, tons and tons of water! If you hate the taste of plain water, you can always add lemon or filter it through ground coffee beans and fermented grapes from the Napa region.

 

Fitness

Making small changes, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, choosing a stand up tanning booth instead of a lay down one, mixing cake batter by hand, and riding your bike to the Dairy Queen in one of those reflective sweatsuits, can make tiny differences in your overall health. And those tiny differences, my friend, will add up to make small differences that you can almost maybe see!

If you’re feeling really motivated, consider joining a gym that offers free childcare. You can use that hour to have some coffee and think about ways to get in shape.

 

Motivation

There are a lot of different ways to motivate yourself, but I’m only familiar with the unhealthy ones, like self-shaming. This can be anything from squeezing a thigh into your size 4 wedding dress to lining the inside of your sunglasses with fat pics of yourself. The sky’s the limit.

Also, know your weaknesses, anticipate the ways in which you’ll sabatoge yourself, and have an action plan to circumvent them. For example, I know that if it’s storming I won’t get out of my car and walk from the gym parking lot to the gym. So now, when it rains, I arrive in the parking lot an hour early and call AAA to tell them that my car broke down. When they arrive, I ask them for a ride to the front door. Don’t worry, it’s all covered under my insurance.

Frumpy, I hope I’ve given you some advice you can use. I’m almost certain that if you follow my suggestions, you’ll be in shape in no time…(really…there’s no time in which you’ll be in shape).

Have a great summer!
Kim

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Free Advice Friday! What NOT to bring on a romantic vacation.

Dear Kim,

My husband and I are going to Mexico on our first “adults only” vacation since our kids were born. I’m so excited! I don’t even know what I should pack to make this a special and romantic trip. Do you have any advice?

Por Favor,

Judy

 

 

Dear Judy,

That’s wonderful! I believe that trips, without the children, are necessary for the preservation of the marital relationship. In fact, I used to advise my clients…wait…did I ever mention that I was a marriage counselor for a few weeks?

It was shortly after my WTF greeting card company folded, and I desperately needed some dough for my cat’s third anal cyst surgery. I thought to myself, “Sugar Lips (positive self talk), how can I get Mr. Bojangles to stop licking her ass?” and more importantly, “How am I going to pay for this surgery?”. Then it occurred to me, “I’m married, I have a Bachelors degree in psychology- why not be a marriage counselor?!”

Having just spent a shitload of money on business cards and letterhead for my greeting card company, I decided to name my practice “WTF Greetings Marriage Counseling”. Admittedly, the name created a bit of a buzz in our small Baptist community. And not the good kind of buzz. But I think it was my philosophy that eventually won over the church ladies: “Husbands, admit you’re wrong and you’ll both get along!”

Unfortunately, I believe it was my hours (MWF 2pm-3:45pm) that really killed my business. But hey, Guiding Light wasn’t going to watch itself.

I’m sorry Judy, I seem to have gone off topic. It happens.

Anyway, I’m not going to give you advice on what to pack, instead I’m going to give you advice on a few things NOT to pack. Trust me, this is going to save you embarrassment, money, and time. But mostly embarrassment.

1. Lavender scented bath salts– I don’t care if your pedicure lady swears it’s a “sexy aphrodisiac” for your hotel jacuzzi. Guess what, Xiaoling, customs thought your “sexy aphrodisiac” was a bag of sweet smelling cocaine and they were way too eager to see if I had more.

Riddle: What do customs and dentists have in common? Cavity searches, Xiaoling, cavity searches.

2. Sex toys & kinky lingerie – Whatever you’re into, keep that shit at home! And if you’re traveling internationally…forget it! They’ll open your suitcase in front of the whole plane and toss that crap around like it’s a damn Caesar salad, using “Judy’s lube” as the dressing. *traveler’s tip: hair conditioner and his electric toothbrush will do in a pinch.

3. Sneakers – Hahaha! Pahleeese! Your ass isn’t working out! Save the luggage space for a sombrero and some maracas.

4. A screwdriver– Don’t ask. just know mine was confiscated.

5. Sweet pics of your kids – Ugh. I guarantee, after 3 margaritas and a Kamikaze chaser, you’ll take one look at those “cherubs” in the photo and call home drunk. And during your drunken “I miz my baaabies” conversation, you’ll say something stupid like “Lawd knows, I didn’t mean to gets knocked up wid you, but I’m soooo glad I did!” Trust me, Judy, that phone call was nothing but a big fat therapy bill.

 

Judy, I hope you take my advice to heart. Remember, you can always buy something you forgot, but you can never forget anything you brought.

 

Adios!

Kim

 

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Free Advice Friday! Pushing up Daisies

Dear Kim,

This is a time sensitive question that I hope you can help me with. My neighbors are currently on a two week vacation, and just last night my dog (Muglie) dug up ALL of their daisies on the side of their house. Normally I wouldn’t be too concerned but they already hate Muglie because he ate their pet bunny last year. Though I really couldn’t blame him, it’s not like Flopsy was wearing a collar or anything. I’m just not sure how to handle the situation because I need to get along with these people.

 

Sincerely,

Flowerless Francine

 

 

Dear Francine,

 

I could simply tell you what to do OR I could rehash a little story, alluding to my advice. I’m going to go ahead and assume you prefer the latter…

About 20 years ago, I was dating this really great guy named Doug. Not only was he sensitive and a great dresser, but he was manager of the Candy Kitchen where I worked and nominated twice for their prestigious “Fudge Packer of the Year” award.

Well one night, after watching one of Doug’s favorite musicals, “Miss Saigon”, he turned to me and said we had to break up. No real explanation and no clues as to why! All I got was a simple “Kim, I’m gay”. But I already knew he was a happy person and I loved him for it…what did that have to do with anything?

Sad and confused, I jumped into my Dodge Daytona and headed home. Through my tears, I didn’t notice the possum crossing the dark road until he became my furry, squishy speed bump. OH NO! Up until that point, I had never hit another living thing…except for Charlotte Morgan…with my fist…on the playgroup – bitch tried jumping in on my double dutch!

I pulled my car over and got out, intending to give it CPR (You laugh, but I saved my cat, Danny, the year before, when we accidentally overdosed him with tranquilizers for traveling purposes).

As I stood over the possum’s body, gathering my wits about me, it occurred to me that he might be playing possum. I mean, that’s how they got their name, right? What if I bent down to give him CPR and he went batshit crazy, wrapping his little paws around my head and chewing my face off?

I ran back to my car for a flashlight, I wanted to see if this tricky little bastard was still breathing. As I was rooting around in my car, this huge truck came barreling down the street and ran right over Pickles (yeah, I gave him a name)! Pickles came spitting out of the rear tires and flipped in the air twice before landing at my feet. I was pretty sure he was definitely dead. Ain’t no CPR bringing him back. Change of plans.

So I started looking around my car again for something I could use to dig a 12″ x 12″ grave. I found a 7-11 Big Gulp cup and started chipping away at the earth. Did I mention it was winter? Yeah, the ground was like a rock and my plastic cup wasn’t making a dent.

Plan B: I went back into my disgusting “Mary Poppins” trunk and pulled out a guy’s XXL Hanes undershirt. WTF? Where did that come from? Anyway, I dragged Pickles into the grass and covered him with the white t-shirt like we were in some outdoor morgue, and I said a few words. Then I wrote a note. For whom? I’m not sure… the sanitation workers, Pickles’ family, my conscious?

 

To Whom it May Concern,

 

Pickles’ last moments were filled with joy and laughter. Just before I struck him with my car, he was dancing in the road without a care in the world. Perhaps if he were paying attention, none of this would have happened. But I digress.

(*in hindsight, I don’t recommend blaming the victim)

I want you to know that his death was quick and he certainly didn’t suffer…unless he was playing possum when was hit again by that Chevy Pick-Up truck with the snow tires, in which case “yikes”.

He was given a proper burial Hanes T-shirt and I spoke words of kindness during a short service (my speech assumed he was a good father and charitable within his community).

Please know that he was cared for in his last moments, and that I kept the foxes from taking his entire carcass away so that you may have some closure.

 

Sincerely,

A concerned and negligent citizen

 

So Francine, I think you know what you have to do….try digging a hole and sticking the daisies back in the ground. If that doesn’t work, then cover them up with a t-shirt and leave an anonymous apology note. And Francine, don’t screw it up, make sure it can’t be traced back to Muglie.

 

Good luck with that,

Kim

 

 

 

 

 

 

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