Here’s an excerpt from an email I recently received:
FINALLY! Someone has finally recognized the panache with which I dress my children! About time.
Just another Saturday on the asphalt catwalk.
Encouraged by Valerie’s belief in my god-like sense of style, I immediately began work on a kids’ fashion-backward clothing line.
Knowing that I wanted it to be eco-friendly and knowing that I wasn’t about to put a bra on to leave the house, I was able to source most of my materials from the recycling bin located in the back of our garage, next to the chemical fertilizer and under the “Monsanto for President!” signs. I then constructed a few sample dresses from the “non-wine stained” pile, and Trash 2 Sass was born!
After a frustrating photo shoot with Ana, I sent the pics to my friend’s Well-Dressed Imaginary Daughter, Quinoa, for feedback.
If you don’t know who Quinoa is then you’ve obviously been living under a pile of laundry with limited internet access. Seriously. Quinoa is only the most fashionable toddler ever, first taking Pinterest by storm…then the world, in her new book “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”.
“Based on the wildly popular Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter,How to Quinoa will take you on a tour of high fashion hilarity with snapshots and stories from the life of the world’s most influential toddler, plus tips and best practices to transform your own life and wardrobe from snore to roar. Quinoa will show you how to do every thing from raising a superior child to securing a compatible BFF. And from finding your own path to designer happiness to practicing on-trend hobbies like drinking flavored lemonades from mason jars. So, ask yourself this: Are you ready to Quinoa?” Amazon.com
*FYI – Do your kegels before reading this or you may just piss your pants.
Quinoa is the brain child (literally) of my friend and author, Tiffany Beveridge. Like really, Tiffany is my friend. Ok, maybe we’re not “our periods are in sync” friends, but we frequently hang out bra-less, and that requires a certain level of comfort, at least on my part.
Anywhoo, I sent her my fashion pics and crossed my fingers. This was Quinoa’s response:
It’s not uncommon for people to seek Quinoa’s advice for their back-to-school wardrobe. In fact, it shows a certain level of acumen, so Quinoa applauds you for reaching out.
News You Can Use:
Quinoa loves this nod to the struggling newspaper industry with a simple newsprint shift dress. The cerulean belt is a nice touch. However, Quinoa recommends moving away from the obituary and crossword sections and more towards front page news (a financial scandal story, if possible). The Pop Tart shoes are an interesting choice. And by interesting, Quinoa means wrong. Paper should never be paired with cardboard.
It’s In the Bag: 
As someone who is continually surrounded by a staff of stunningly beautiful mannies and au pairs, Quinoa understands developing innocent crushes on the help but these feelings should be trapped inside. What good could come from splaying your feelings across your chest? This completely gives away the upper hand and before you know it, that “babysitter” you “love” will be asking for things like minimum wage and holidays off. This simply can’t happen. Quinoa recommends destroying the dress and all evidence of its existence.
Oh, Quinoa, your advice never lets me down! It never quite builds me up either…
Now here’s the exciting part for you, dear reader…I’m giving away a copy of “How to Quinoa: Life Lessons from My Imaginary Well-Dressed Daughter”!
But wait, there’s more! Because Tiffany is my BFF (Bra-less Friend Forever), she’s offered to sign the book with a personal message to the winner! I shit you not.
To enter the giveaway, all you need to do is leave a comment with a bit of fashion advice, like this, “If you have saggy boobs, always check their alignment, making sure both nipple are pointing forward.” Honestly though, nothing’s worse than a booby version of lazy eye.
Once I have your name, I’ll write it on a tiny piece of paper, stick it down Elefun’s trunk, and have my daughter catch the winner with her butterfly net on Wednesday, August 20th. Yes, it’ll be videoed for authenticity.
Sadly, how I make all my life choices.
Ready, dress, go!
