پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Tips for Tuesday! Learn to run like a motha!

 

Learning to run? I got your kick ass tips right here!

I know what you’re thinking, “Candy Ass, I didn’t know you were a runner.” Well, I am…aaaand I’m sorta not. For those of you keeping score at home, I’m currently on my third attempt to become a runner.

But before you hit your back button with an “I’m outta here, you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about” attitude, let me ask you this: who do you think has more experience as a beginner, someone who’s quit and restarted several times or someone who tried it once and stuck with it? (hint: several is more than once)

Now for my tips:

There’s an App for That

I highly recommend downloading some sort of Couch to 5k app to help guide and track your progress. There are a ton of great ones out there, so selecting one is usually based on personal preference.

I’m currently using an app called Get Running. I like it for its straight forward title and the nice Australian lady who says nicey nice things like “Feel free to slow down”, “You’re almost done” & “Great job!” (even though I’ve almost always slowed down). I find Australian App people to be laid back and accepting. I hope to visit Appstralia one day.

 

Shake Your Booty

Create a great playlist, just make sure you choose songs that match your pace. For example, my playlist has a lot of Sarah McLachlan, Eric Clapton, Celine Dione, and Gerry & The Pacemakers – it’s basically a funeral procession mash-up.

 

Fake it Until You Make It

Buy several awesome running outfits, a sweatband, water hydration thingy,and $200 running shoes. You know what they say, “Dress like a profession, act like a professional.” I’m pretty sure my yoga pants with the holes in the crotch were holding me back all these years.

 

Find a Running Buddy

Running buddies, when used properly, can be a terrific source of motivation.

How to use your running buddy:

Step 1: Simply turn your running buddy around and instruct her to “Hold still, Lois, and stop your bitching!”

Step 2: Secure a bag of Oreos to her back using heavy duty duct tape.

Step 3: Give her a 20 second head start before running after her like a crazy bitch who wants “…MY GOD DAMN OREOS, LOIS!”

 

However, if steps 1-3 are a flop because your running buddy sucks and requires a little motivation of her own, simply attach this sign to her back:

Look at Lois go! In fact, the rowdier your kids are, the faster you’ll both move. Now that’s what I call a win-lose situation!

Now get out there and run your little heart out…and bring me back a pumpkin latte.

 
By the way, do you have any tips for me? Lord knows this delinquent runner could use them!
 
Psst…My real playlist, if you’re interested, is:

Cups, Viva la Vida, Titanium, Thrift Shop, Roar, Gone Gone Gone, Royals, Radioactive, Good Life, My Songs Knows What You Did, It’s Time, Set Fire to the Rain, Trouble. See, I wasn’t exaggerating about the slow pace.

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My sponsor GiftsForYouNow.com has like a BAZILLION gifts that you can personalize for Christmas (or any occasion). I bet they have a tree skirt for my wine glass.

Tips for Tuesday! Jewelry Cleaning on the DL

As you may have guessed by my haphazard posting times, all of my posts are freshly squeezed, straight from the chicken’s ass. I’m aware that’s not a real saying but it should be because it paints an incredible visual. I’m a word artist, people.

Translated into uptight Suburbianism (my native tongue) that means that I pretty much write my blog entries the night before or the day of. That’s because I enjoy sharing things with you as I’m feeling them, it has nothing to do with poor planning. Nothing.

Anyhoo…I’m in the middle of this big laundry room re-do (and I pulled a muscle while removing a nail) so I’ve decided to repost an oldie but an almost goodie.

Tomorrow is floor laying. Wish me luck and send muscle relaxers.

 

Cleaning Your Rings-

I have a great tip for removing dirt, hairspray, saliva, blood, etc., off of your rings. What? You say you don’t have blood on them? HAHAHA! If you have kids then you most definitely have traces of blood (and poop) on your jewelry. If you shined a black-light on your rings I bet it would look like the inside of a Motel 6 and you’d vomit. Trust me.

Step 1.

The first thing you’ll want to do is soak your rings in alcohol to loosen the debris. I like to use Popov vodka. But if you don’t have Popov vodka (and you shouldn’t unless you live in a dorm) you can use Southern Comfort or Black Velvet Whiskey-basically any jagged alcohol capable of eating a hole through your bathtub.

*That was just an expression, you shouldn’t be bathing in any of that shit, you’ll go sterile.

Step 2.

After soaking your rings you’ll want to either rinse or lick them clean, depending on the time of day. I usually ask myself “Is it noon yet?”

*Tip within a tip- Pour the remaining alcohol on your kitchen sponge, countertops, or open wounds to kill nasty germs!

Step 3.

Put a pea-sized amount of toothpaste on a Sonic Care toothbrush. You can really use any vibrating toothbrush but I find my husband’s Sonic Care toothbrush works the best. The keyword here is “husband’s”, don’t use your own, that’s disgusting!

He doesn’t have one? Then get him one for his birthday, Christmas, or Hanukkah. If you’re having trouble justifying the expense then think of it this way, you could either buy a sonic jewelry cleaning machine for $199 or get a Sonic Care toothbrush that will keep your guy’s teeth white and make your diamonds sparkle for under $100. Now that’s a savings! It just makes good economical sense.

Now, I shouldn’t have to say this but…put the toothpaste on BEFORE turning on the toothbrush. Once you have the toothbrush humming make sure to work it into every nook and cranny of your ring. It’s important, however, that you don’t press too hard or the bristles will flatten out and 1) it won’t clean as well and 2) your husband will suspect you’ve done something bad with his toothbrush. He probably won’t suspect jewelry cleaning, but he might assume crevice cleaning (which I’ll address in another post).

Step 4. Rinse the rings under warm running water. But make sure to close the sink drain before doing Step 4, otherwise this might turn into a $500 plumbing bill.

Notice the badly needed manicure.

Voila! A shiny new ring like the day you got it from your sweetheart…or in my case, like the day you got it from the jeweler because you traded your old one in for a bigger one because you suck at sentiment. Sorry Brian.

(Brian, I was kidding about all of this. I totally use my own toothbrush, because that’s the right thing to do.)

A summary of the supplies you’ll need. I highly recommend putting the vodka away after each use.

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Want to read something fresh today? Visit my girl Alyson over at The Shitastrophy, her shit will keep you laughing!

Tips for Tuesday! Repurpose those children’s books!

So the other day I was gathering together a bunch of books that Ana no longer reads (we have waaaay too many) and I got to thinking, “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), there’s got to be another use for these books. You’re smart, resourceful, sexy, and humble, surely you can think of something.”

Not one to waste anything, except time and money, I found a solution…re-edit those books to tell completely new stories! You can do this by simply typing up new text, printing it out, and gluing the paper directly on top of the author’s original words. *selling these “new books” might result in a lawsuit. so don’t.

 

Think about the creative freedom! Now you can create stories to suit the needs of your family, using the warm and familiar characters they know and love. Here are just some of the topics you can cover:

 

Addressing manners…

 

Where our food comes from…

 

The importance of common sense…

 

Awkward and sensitive family situations…

 

 

 

But don’t limit yourself to repurposing books solely for the children. Even adults can find comfort in these characters. What a great way to help a friend through some of life’s tougher moments!

 

I’m off now to repurpose Snow White. It’s mostly the same, except when the heartbroken prince wakes her up with a kiss, she tells him that her mani/pedi was $150 and he says he doesn’t care because he’s just glad that she’s not dead anymore. I’m reading it to Brian tonight.

Do your find my tips helpful? Well, can you please click the banner anyway? Thanks!

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If you haven’t checked out her blog yet, you have to go over to my sponsor The Shitastrophy and read some of her shit! According to her most recent post, she needs to STFU!

Tips for Tuesday! Paci Addiction

Today’s post is about a very serious topic, paci addiction.  Last year, paci addiction claimed the sanity of over 50 billion mothers worldwide and, according to my nail salon lady, the numbers continue to rise. Science can put a Rover on Mars but they can’t solve this problem?  Who cares about putting a dog on Mars anyway? Ridiculous!

Lucky for us, we have the smart, funny, and cutie patootie Amanda from Questionable Choices in Parenting here to help us!

After reading about her brilliant scientific development, you have to head over to Questionable Choices in Parenting and read her stuff, it’ll have you laughing your ass off!  My favorite… The Professional Playground Inspector where she bitches about The Bridge of Death, The Tunnel of Terror, and The Drop of Doom. I loathe The Drop of Doom!

 

 

When my daughter turned two it was clear to the entire family that she had a problem. A very serious problem: a pacifier problem. Since I’ve watched a lot of interventions on tv, I felt completely comfortable staging a paci intervention in our home. We sat my unsuspecting girl down in her “big girl chair” for a “big girl” talk.

Just like an addict, she was angry and even in denial. She placed the blame on others, mainly me. She even called me her “paci pusher.” And that, friends, is the sad but honest truth.


When she was a baby, I would shove a pacifier her way any time I heard a little whimper or cry. Silence was golden, but it was also a slippery slope and a gateway to addiction. In the past, when we tried to get her to kick her habit, she would throw epic tantrums, and I would throw pacifiers at her by the handful just to get her to stop.

We thought she was doing better, but then we found her secret stash. Some places were obvious: in her doll house, shoved in the couch. But some were stealthy hidden: in her shoes, in her shopping cart of play food. One day I witnessed her pull a paci out of the dog food bin and start sucking away. She had hit rock bottom.

We tried to get her to quit before, but this time was different. I would no longer enable her addiction. It was time to quit the pacifier cold turkey. OK, she could still have the paci at night, but that’s it!

So we started on the journey of clean living and life without the paci, and let me tell you, it was rough. The normal daily tantrums of a two year old doubled, tripled, quadrupled! Anything and everything set her off, and we all walked around the house on tiptoe not to disturb the beast. It was like she couldn’t function without a little help from her friend the paci.

Since I couldn’t go back on my vow to break her of the paci, I decided to turn into my secret mommy laboratory and create something to help her and all pacifier addicts get over the hump while kicking their habit.

Introducing The Paci Patch, part of the PRT (Pacifier Replacement Therapy). Much like the patch that helps smokers kick their nasty habit, The Paci Patch helps take the edge off of mom induced pacifier weaning.


The Paci Patch is easy to apply: just peel and stick to their arm. Voila!

The Paci Patch has a super scientific, timed therapeutic sensation that will ease your little one’s cravings for the paci and help them successfully wean from the pacifier.

The Paci Patch even comes in your child’s favorite television characters!

So if you have a pacifier addict, you are not alone. And now you have help, The Paci Patch. And if this thing doesn’t work, you can totally give the kid the pacifier when no one is looking. I totally won’t judge you.

 

Amanda Mushro is a mommy of two who blogs at Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that really makes her question her own parenting abilities. Find her atQuestionable Choices in ParentingFacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

 

 

 

 

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