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Tips for Tuesday! Paci Addiction

Today’s post is about a very serious topic, paci addiction.  Last year, paci addiction claimed the sanity of over 50 billion mothers worldwide and, according to my nail salon lady, the numbers continue to rise. Science can put a Rover on Mars but they can’t solve this problem?  Who cares about putting a dog on Mars anyway? Ridiculous!

Lucky for us, we have the smart, funny, and cutie patootie Amanda from Questionable Choices in Parenting here to help us!

After reading about her brilliant scientific development, you have to head over to Questionable Choices in Parenting and read her stuff, it’ll have you laughing your ass off!  My favorite… The Professional Playground Inspector where she bitches about The Bridge of Death, The Tunnel of Terror, and The Drop of Doom. I loathe The Drop of Doom!

 

 

When my daughter turned two it was clear to the entire family that she had a problem. A very serious problem: a pacifier problem. Since I’ve watched a lot of interventions on tv, I felt completely comfortable staging a paci intervention in our home. We sat my unsuspecting girl down in her “big girl chair” for a “big girl” talk.

Just like an addict, she was angry and even in denial. She placed the blame on others, mainly me. She even called me her “paci pusher.” And that, friends, is the sad but honest truth.


When she was a baby, I would shove a pacifier her way any time I heard a little whimper or cry. Silence was golden, but it was also a slippery slope and a gateway to addiction. In the past, when we tried to get her to kick her habit, she would throw epic tantrums, and I would throw pacifiers at her by the handful just to get her to stop.

We thought she was doing better, but then we found her secret stash. Some places were obvious: in her doll house, shoved in the couch. But some were stealthy hidden: in her shoes, in her shopping cart of play food. One day I witnessed her pull a paci out of the dog food bin and start sucking away. She had hit rock bottom.

We tried to get her to quit before, but this time was different. I would no longer enable her addiction. It was time to quit the pacifier cold turkey. OK, she could still have the paci at night, but that’s it!

So we started on the journey of clean living and life without the paci, and let me tell you, it was rough. The normal daily tantrums of a two year old doubled, tripled, quadrupled! Anything and everything set her off, and we all walked around the house on tiptoe not to disturb the beast. It was like she couldn’t function without a little help from her friend the paci.

Since I couldn’t go back on my vow to break her of the paci, I decided to turn into my secret mommy laboratory and create something to help her and all pacifier addicts get over the hump while kicking their habit.

Introducing The Paci Patch, part of the PRT (Pacifier Replacement Therapy). Much like the patch that helps smokers kick their nasty habit, The Paci Patch helps take the edge off of mom induced pacifier weaning.


The Paci Patch is easy to apply: just peel and stick to their arm. Voila!

The Paci Patch has a super scientific, timed therapeutic sensation that will ease your little one’s cravings for the paci and help them successfully wean from the pacifier.

The Paci Patch even comes in your child’s favorite television characters!

So if you have a pacifier addict, you are not alone. And now you have help, The Paci Patch. And if this thing doesn’t work, you can totally give the kid the pacifier when no one is looking. I totally won’t judge you.

 

Amanda Mushro is a mommy of two who blogs at Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that really makes her question her own parenting abilities. Find her atQuestionable Choices in ParentingFacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

 

 

 

 

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Tips for Tuesday! Try it before you buy it!

Today marks the first day of our family’s stay-cation! We’ve never actually taken a “vacation” where you drive around your house looking for interesting things to do. All of our car trips usually land us in the Costco parking lot, so I’m not sure if I’m capable of planning this right. Here’s what I have so far:

Day 1: Car shopping for Brian.

Day 2: We’ll strip the kids of all electronics, watch the detox set in, then send them on an 8 hr. tour of a working Amish farm.

Day 3: Visit local pet shops instead of the zoo because the zoo is too far and I have an eyelash extension appointment at 6:30 pm.

Day 4: Hershey Park. We’ll eat our weight in chocolate then blissfully throw it up on various rides.

Day 5: Pitch a tent and camp in our yard…specifically in the part of our yard occupied by the family room. And by “tent” I mean pillow fort.

Day 6: Clean up the yard day. This is where they can really show off some of those awesome agricultural skills they learned on Day 2!

 

I’m still finalizing our matching stay-cation outfits which are totally necessary, they make it easier to find one another in a crowd, like at the car dealership’s “Fall Back Into Savings” sale event.

As Brian and I were preparing for Day 1 (car shopping), my “Try It Before You Buy It” tip came to mind. So today, I’m re-sharing it with you! Oh, and please leave me some stay-cation ideas of your own as we don’t have Day 7 planned yet. Trust me, my kids would be ever so grateful.

 

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I’m a firm believer of the old adage “try it before you buy it”, and I don’t care what it is. Ice cream shop, ask for a spoon. A wine bar, ask for a sip. A book store, read a chapter while sitting in their bathroom stall. A restaurant,…well, you can’t really ask the chef to prepare a bite for you (that would be weird), but what you can do is look around the restaurant for someone eating what you’re thinking of ordering, and ask for a taste. However, DO NOT take more than 1 bite, people get all possessive about their food.

Yesterday, I decided to head out to research some of our upcoming household purchases. We’re currently in need of a stainless steel refrigerator, some outdoor furniture, and a new toilet for the upstairs bathroom. By the way, Brian won’t agree with any of this. His motto is: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, learn to live without it.

So I bribed Ana with the promise of purchasing a “cooperation” toy, and we drove out toward Lowes. On our way there, I called Dominoes and ordered a pizza for delivery.

Pizza Guy: Your address?

Me: Lowes, the Outdoor Living department. Second table on your left.

That’s right, I ordered a pizza. Why, you ask? Because we love to spend our summer evenings eating outdoors, I rarely cook, and TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

Ana and I both loved the look and feel of the tiles, however, I found that the uneven surface made my wine glass wobble a little bit, making me extremely uncomfortable. Granted, the customers gawking at us didn’t help. I bet this is how celebrities feel when they’re eating out.

After lunch we walked over to the appliance section to see if the leftover pizza and wine would fit in the stainless steel refrigerator that I had my eye on.

Damn it, the wine won’t fit. I guess it’s not meant to be GE.

 

HOLY SHIT! A dedicated wine holder! Wrap it up!

 

After eating and storing our food (and my wine) in our new fridge, it was time to check out the toilets.

Ana says “Urine for a real treat with this toilet seat! It’s Craptastic!”

 

It took her 5 toilets before she finally settled on this one- So remember, TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!

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Tips for Tuesday! Recycle your Kuerig K-cups!

Do you remember two weeks ago, when I admitted to not having the answers to all of life’s problems? You should, that was a pretty big deal. In fact, I could hear the collective gasp.

And do you remember me telling you that I reached out to some of the smartest & funniest bloggers on the web to offer up some of their own questionable tips? Well, I got another one!!!

My girl Alyson, over at The Shitastrophy (gotta love that name!), has graciously offered to help us figure out what to do with all of our used K-cups! Coffee addict that I am, I could use that tip!

After reading this brilliant tip, you have to go check out her blog! She’s hilariously honest, and the header picture alone will make you wanna pour a drink!

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I like coffee – who the hell doesn’t? If you have kids, you need some sort of boost. Since alcohol is frowned upon first thing in the morning, I reach for my trusty Kuerig coffee machine.

Every morning I have 2 cups of coffee, so 2 of those little plastic K-cups are used. What the hell am I supposed to do with all those little plastic cups? I really do hate to just throw them out – I’m very green you know, ok fine, more of a lime green, fine f%@kers, I think about the environment, are you happy now?

So what can you do with those little white plastic cups that are the castoff from your morning drug?

 

1) Use them for Jello shots later in the evening.

Just wash them out, fill with a lovely Jello/alcohol mix and voila! From morning to night – the K-cup is like the little black dress to help get you through the day.

 

Even better, my kids school does a Monte Carlo night where I sell shots, reincarnating my college job as Shot Girl. Sure my ass is bigger, but so are my boobs! Perfection. I’m sorry where was I going, oh yea – tax benefits! Turn that coffee habit into a couple hundred dollar tax write off when you claim your services at the local school fundraiser!

 

(Disclaimer, I am not an authorized tax attorney or accountant, and by no means providing real advice. If you are following my advice you are an idiot and will be most likely audited.)

 

2) Crush them on your forehead when you get drunk so you look really cool and strong!

I was never really able (or wanted to) crush an actual beer can on my forehead during my major drinking years. But now, it’s the hit of the party! Who doesn’t want to crush a cup into their perfectly made up face? Good times people! Just be sure you don’t get your eye by mistake, cause that’s gonna look like you got the shit kicked out of you.

Or pretend to be the Hulk’s wife! My kids like it when I pick up the cups and smash them. They really love when I do it while standing on a chair screaming about how awesome I am. I try not to fall off the chair, but shit happens.

 

3) Use them to dispense meds, just like in the hospital!

How fun is that! I put my happy pills in them, and the kids get their vitamins this way. They always know which ones are theirs and which are mine because I have clearly labeled them; I am very crafty. This is also early training for them for when I get old and senile and have to live with them. They’ll know how to dispense my meds daily, and how can you put a price on that?

I hope you enjoy these tips! I’d love to know any other uses you might have for those magical little plastic k-cups.

Thanks!

The Shitastrophy

About The Shitastrophy– Originally from NJ, I now live in the Midwest but have kept my sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. I have to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. I am the mother to two kids that provide constant fodder for this blog. My husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in my next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. I love my two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month.

You can find me on: TheShitastrophy.com / Facebook / Twitter / Pinterest
 
 
 

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Tips for Tuesday! Baby Wipe Bins: Not just for butt wiping!

You know I love and care about you guys deeply, right? You also know that my Tips for Tuesday, while dysfunctional and at times totally inappropriate, are meant to make your life easier and/or more interesting, right? Well, I decided that I’d bring you even more awesome tips by reaching out to some of my favorite bloggers on the web! Together, we can solve any problem! It’s like Hillary Rodham Clinton said, “It take the Village People.” I’m not really sure what she meant by that but I’ll be the construction worker.

Today’s tip is brought to you by Stephanie from When Crazy Meets Exhaustion! I just love this chick! She’s funny, smart, and disgustingly adorable. Hmm…maybe I hate her sometimes?

I first met Steph when she asked me if I’d like to guest post on her hilarious Oversharing blog series. I jumped at the opportunity, and we all know I had no trouble writing THAT post! After all, almost all my posts are oversharing. My poor husband. Anyway, after reading her tip, you MUST check her site out- you’ll laugh your ass off!

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Do you love Pinterest? Shut up.

Pinterest makes me feel inferior. All those assholes showing off their homemade birthday party decorations and treat bags can bite me. We don’t have three Dollar Generals within a four mile radius ‘round these parts for nothin’!

When I change a light bulb, I don’t hollow it out and add water to create a dainty hanging planter complete with blooms from my luscious garden. I throw that shit away because, hellooooo?!, it’s a burned out light bulb. And my garden? It’s my dogs’ toilet.

Who has the time to do this stuff?! Can anyone give me tips that will actually make my life easier and infinitely more entertaining?!

Oh, yeah; Kim can. And that’s why I love her. I love her so much that I’m sharing one of my best bad ideas with you fine folk. So sit back, relax, take off your bra if that’s what does it for ya, and behold:

 

 

I had two kids in 22 months. That added up to a lot of love and a lot of butt wiping. I started buying baby wipes in bulk to avoid losing a child beneath a heap of plastic bins, but despite my efforts, I was up to my eyeballs in blue plastic. Talk about waste!

Or not…

First up is what I have affectionately dubbed “Awww Hell Naw I Ain’t Watching Caillou Again:”

 

It was bad enough when I only had to share the remote with my husband, but now these little people are in my house and demanding I turn off HGTV so they can catch the latest episode of The Wiggles. Simply close the lid and conceal your lie: “I have no idea where the remote is. Sorry kids!”

 

I know we all have our own vices, and mine is sugar. I’ll share my uterus, but I will NOT share my chocolate.

 

And from what I understand, it’s frowned upon to share these with the kids:

Additional tip: these little puppies make the perfect stowaways in your diaper bag when headed to a family reunion, amusement park, or doctor appointment. Don’t judge.

 

My daughter is constantly approaching me with open hands and a sweet smile. Because she wants money. I used to try and distract her with a kiss or a coloring book, but she pushes away from me like I’m the old perv uncle of the family. Now she just helps herself into my purse. (Author’s note: as I was writing this, my daughter legit swallowed a penny. I had to call the pediatrician whereupon I learned that consuming coins is “normal.” As today is my seventh wedding anniversary and the traditional gift is copper, I feel like this is also “thoughtful.” Thanks, kid.)

 

And while we’re on the topic of my little princess, she has been increasingly difficult to feed. If it’s not Pap-Pap’s pasta or pizza or these…

…the child will not eat. I’ve enshrouded the deliciousness in here in an effort to force-feed her some vegetables, but since we are now waiting 5-7 days for the penny to pass, she can eat whatever the hell she wants.

 

And finally, have you any Legos or other annoying toys that tempt you to start a house fire just to be rid of them? If you answered no to that question, you’re a liar. My kids have a room filled with stuff. So much of it that I can’t wrap my brain around why they insist on playing with these creepy things:

For one thing, I step on these little effers ten times a day. For another, they don’t blink; therefore they are Satan’s playthings. Let’s close Pandora’s Box once and for all, shall we?

 

I’d love to hear what you do with your empty wipe bins. Unless, of course, you’ve fashioned them into a transistor radio or papier mâchéd that shit into a Christmas gift. Seriously, how do you have friends?

 

Stephanie, wife of one, mother of two, English teacher of many, rants about parenting, education, and stupid people over at her place, WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion. She would like to thank her husband for not leaving her, and her entire family for providing enough writing fodder to last a lifetime. Follow her crazy on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and, if you’re really bored, Instagram.

 

 
 
Make sure to vote for Steph when visiting her site!
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