پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

February 6, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Remember on Monday, when I told you that my “7 things about me” would continue on Wednesday?  Well, I forgot that today is cheap wine review day.  Sorry to those that were hoping to read a story about my menstrual cramps or something just as insightful.

Today’s wine selection was brought to you by my local liquor store owner, Rocco.

The review:

Oracle Shiraz 2011  South Africa Coastal Region $9.99

Wine Makers Notes:  “This ruby-colored red shows delightful aromas of red berries and spice that emerge on the palate with a touch of oak.  A dollop of spice and all things nice.”

toutonselection.com Notes :”The Oracle Shiraz is a brilliant ruby-colored wine. It’s an expressive Shiraz with delightful aromas of red berries and an oriental spice that emerges on the palate with a melding of oak.”

Kim’s Notes:  “WTF, Rocco?”

Seriously.  After acknowledging its beautiful ruby color, I leaned in to take a whiff and holy hell!  I swear I could smell the feet that were used to stomp the grapes.

Rocco, you and your little yellow signs are dead to me.

pic from www.sqlj.org

Ok, now the taste…this is where it gets confusing for me.  Once you put the smell aside, the taste itself wasn’t that bad.  Overall, it was smooth, light, and low in acidity.  But damn, every time my nose went in the glass….Just. Damn.

I imagine it would pair well with other stinky shit, like swiss cheese and cabbage.

While this wine isn’t for everyone, I think it would be most appreciated by mouth breathers and allergy sufferers.  It’s also the perfect wine to take to your next Bingo night, grandma’s 90th birthday, an AARP meeting, or really anywhere with old people as their smell is the first thing to go.

CHEERS!

If you’ve had a great wine under $15, please leave it in the comments so that I can create a large Mommy’s Wine Resource Page.

 

6 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review Tagged With: , , ,

Tips for Tuesday! One classy Motha’s gift ideas!

December 18, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Friday’s tragic events have left me feeling a little bit unfunny and tremendously sad. Needless to say, I’m having trouble getting my humor on. But shopping always perks me up, so for today’s post I thought that I would do a crappy version of “Oprah’s Favorite Things”.

Here’s a list of some great gift ideas (according to me) which Oprah would never endorse, purchase, or use.

Vino2Go – For the person who has everything except a wine glass that doesn’t spill when they’re drunk. This is available through The Product Farm…but damn it, I went to order it and it’s sold out! Son of a bitch!!! I thought I’d tell you about it anyway so you can place your order for Valentine’s day. Though I’m sure some asshole is selling it on ebay right now for $99 if you want to head over there, place your bid, and come back. I’ll wait.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat by Jen of the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

Do you want to read a heartwarming book that fills your soul with all sorts of holiday fuzzies? Well, I can’t help you there. But if you want a great laugh with that “I’m going to hell” feeling then head over to amazon.com and buy this book! It’s also available on kindle.

Beardhead.com I love these hats!!! But not a damn person in my family will wear one, not even to make me a little bit happy. So can you buy one, take a pic of someone in your family wearing it, and send it to me? It’ll give me a laugh AND I’ll show it to my family as a way to say “why can’t you be more like them”.

The company makes several styles. They even make baby ones! LOVE!

Birdcage Umbrella – I cannot wait to get this! Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a pole while holding an umbrella (and without)? Lots. With this umbrella, I’ll not only be able to see where I’m going but I’ll also stay dry from that damn slanted rain. AND this is the umbrella made for the Queen of England. That’s classy enough for me. check it out here. P.S. They make them for kids too!

Wine Rack – Simply brilliant! This is a sports bra that has a bladder insider where you can keep your favorite beverage. The hose allows you to pour drinks or sip directly from it! And good news…they’re on sale right now! This would make a great gift for your flat chested BFF! Going up a boob size has never tasted so good! Get one here.

*I do need to point out that it looks like she had a boob job and the tube is a bloody drainage tube. Did I just kill the sale?

Pull My Finger Santa – Would it surprise you to know that we’ve had a PMF Santa for years? While other famlies kick off their Christmas with the lighting of the tree, ours begins with the pulling of the finger. FAAARRT “Ho Ho Ho, Now that’s a stocking stuffer!” It’s a cherished family tradition. You can start your own PMF Santa tradition buy purchasing one here.

XL Wine Glass – OMG! This wine glass holds a WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE! A whole bottle! Do you know what this means? I can say “I only had one glass of wine last night” with a straight face. I have no more words. Get it here!

Squeezable Boob Creamer – C’mon, tell me you didn’t just spit out your coffee when you saw this! This would make a great gift for…um…um…someone in your mommy’s play group? The company suggests you buy two of them for a more realistic look. Get ’em here.

Time to pitch my own stuff…

Beaver Babies: A vagucational tool – Why explain the miracle of birth when you can simply toss this reversible vagina to your kids and walk away? Let Beaver Babies unravel the mystery for them.

Here’s what people are saying about Beaver Babies…

“Brilliant….but disturbing” Jamie Salvatori, owner of www.vat19.com

“That’s what happens when you cross my creativity with your father’s sick sense of humor” Linda, my mother

“What the hell have you done?!” Brian, my exasperated husband

“Where’s the other slipper?” Ana, age 3

This also makes a great gift for the mother-to-be. Each Beaver Baby can be either a girl or boy, and customized to match your skin tone and hair color (including pubic). Read more about Beaver Babies and enter a giveawayhere.

To place an order or to receive a free crappy tutorial, contact me at kim@oneclassymotha.com.

To Bliss and Back (Life Well Blogged) by Abbey Fatica & Monica Merrill-Mylet

I AM IN THIS BOOK! Isn’t that reason enough to rush out and buy it? no? ok, bitch. Then how about this:

To Bliss And Back explores the hilarity that we all experience when confronted with the ups and downs of relationships and marriage. Join the thousands of readers that enjoy these stories posted by the titans of the blogging industry on a daily basis. What could be better than a personal time-out to read and wrap yourself in laughter this season?

Buy one for you, your mother, your BFF, and the lady that waxes your hooha. You can read more about the book and purchase it here. Or do you want to win one?!!!!

GIVEAWAY – I’ll be giving away an ebook to a lucky lucky reader! All you have to do is leave a comment and you’ll be entered into a random drawing! The drawing will take place on Thursday, because I really don’t have any plans that day.

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In the meantime, if you find any “OMG! I sooo need to get this for someone”, leave a comment below with a link to the site so I can buy it or pimp it out on my pinterest board.

Now go out there and make me proud by buying some crazy shit!

;

6 Comments Filed Under: Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Free Advice Friday – Wine & Whine

October 12, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I’m writing to you because I know that you are a wine lover. My husband and I are having a very special couple over for dinner next week. They said they like Cabernet (like you), but since we don’t drink wine we weren’t sure if we should serve a Cabernet from the Sonoma or Napa region. What do you think?

Penny in Foryourthoughts, ND

Dear Penny,

Let me answer your question with a little story.

When I was 14, I went to my local pet shop to purchase 2 mice. The shop owner, who reeked of Bourbon and Tab, insisted on picking them out for me. He stared at their bits for several minutes and proclaimed them both boys, so I named them Sparky and Morris. Over the next few weeks Morris got fatter and meaner. It wasn’t until we saw Morris bitch slap Sparky and shriek “Don’t touch me, you asshole!” that my mother recognized the symptoms of pregnancy.

I’m embarrassed to say this, but I returned Morris (renamed Judy) to the pet shop like some wayward teen from the 1950’s. I thought for certain Sparky would become despondent and depressed, but instead he seemed relieved that I had dealt with his “little problem”. I could actually see the stress leave his tiny rodent shoulders. Silly mouse.

Penny, I think you know where I’m going with this…get your guests drunk enough and, like the pet shop owner with mouse genitalia, they won’t know the difference.

And stay away from French wines, you won’t know how to pronounce them and you’ll just look stupid.

Your welcome,

Kim

Dear Kim,

Like you, I’ve been a stay at home mom for 9 years now. My question is- how do I keep from losing myself, the person I was before I had children?

Margaret in Kidtopia, KS

Dear Margaret,

Oh Margaret, Margaret, foolish Margaret- you can’t. I’m so lost that I had a vanity plate made for my minivan that reads “WEAR M I”.

Back in the 90’s I did a stint as a Life coach at S.O.S. Counseling (Stop Officially Sucking). I was a young, single professional that had a naive view of life. The Motto on my business cards read “There’s Always a Way”. Years, marriage, and two children later, I realize my business cards should have said “There’s Always Xanax and Tequila Chasers”.

Somehow my life had changed…

My “excuse me, I have to use the restroom” became “I gotta go potty”. My “Screw you!” became “That wasn’t a good choice”. My purse became a suitcase without wheels, holding everything from tampons to harmonicas (in my purse now. i swear). And my boobs went from perky to a place capable of holding promotional pharmaceutical pens and washable markers.

Here’s my advice Margaret, embrace it. Embrace it and cry until the tears dry up.

If you’re really desperate, you could try taking an invigorating pole dancing class. It will give you those familiar inner thigh bruises and knee burns reminiscent of your wild college days. But when you get home you’ll still have to throw your stilettos in the closet and clean up the baby shit. Is it really worth your Better Homes & Garden reading time?

There’s always retirement,

Kim

2 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Tips for Tuesday: Leaf blowers and more. So much more.

October 2, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

I’m not shitting you when I say I have some truly useful tips today!

Tip #1 – Leaf Blowers

My friend Lisa was kind enough to share a great tip with me this past weekend that I’m going to pass on to you. She was tired of cramming herself into the backseat of her car to clean out the trash and dirt that only kids can accumulate. So she decided to make use of her husband’s beloved leaf blower.

Here she is blowing the hell out of her back seat. She says it’s best to do this on a windy day so that the litter is blown away from your home and into a neighbor’s yard, leaving you with very little, to no clean-up.

;

Leaf blowing your car is a brilliant idea but, as a visionary, so many other possibilities entered my mind. My favorite was this…

* not recommended for children under 25 lbs.

Why bother towel drying the children and blow drying their hair after a bath? It can be done in half the time with a 3.5 horsepower leaf blower!

Sure, Ana was a little skittish at first but with the promise of a Kit Kat bar and by shouting encouraging words like “don’t look directly at it!” she made out fine. And we were done in under 30 seconds, just in time for Final Jeopardy (That’s how I get my edumecation for clever cocktail party convo).

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Tip #2 – Wine Safety

This is how I used to secure my wine purchases on my way home from the liquor store so they wouldn’t clank on an abrupt stop:

Mommy’s purse.

This was fine and dandy until I ran into another mother at the preschool pickup, who stuck her head into my passenger window. I believe she was about to ask me to pick up her daughter for the following day until she glanced in my purse. I think this, combined with the unfortunate timing of my hiccups, changed her mind.

So here is my new method of securing my fragile wine babies bottles:

As soon as I came up with this idea I ran right out and bought a Britax, the safest car seat on the market.

But before you judge me, you should know that my wine runs are made only after dropping Ana off at preschool, that way I’m not forced to choose between their safety or hers. And trust me, there are certain days where the outcome might hurt her feelings.

;

Tip #3 – Diaper Safe

This tip stems from my over abundance of diapers. Now this, my friends, is true genius! Store your valuables (jewelry, spare keys, birth control pills,etc) in plain sight! Just roll everything up in a dirty diaper and leave it laying around your car, your kitchen counter, or coffee table. Warning: People might think you’re disgusting and you’d have to agree…disgustingly rich bitches!

Of course, it doesn’t have to be a real dirty diaper. However, I think that putting real poo inside adds authenticity and the smell will definitely make the burglars think twice about going through your crusty underwear drawer.

$8,000 of jewels laying in the hallway. Don’t worry, no one in my family would bother to pick it up and throw it out.

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Tip #5

My last tip of the day. Stop wasting money by buying new yoga pants when your old ones get a hole in the crotch (probably from scratching…damn you Nair!). Simply buy a pair of matching underwear and no one will know the difference…unless you get a vaginal wedgie while in downward dog. By the way, that’s called a Vedgie.

Um, no. That’s my hand in there, you sicko. Please, there’s no way in hell I’d have a Brazilian again! It’s like you don’t even know me 🙁

7 Comments Filed Under: Tips Tagged With: , , , ,
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