Starting diet – cutting back on alcohol. I’m told by the neighbors that the recycle guy thinks I’m away in rehab

I stood in the gym lobby trying to muster up the courage to check-in after 6 looong, fattening months of exercise avoidance and consistent carb consumption.

Slowly approaching the front desk, mostly because the extra 10 pounds in my ass had reduced the speed at which I move,

Up until this point, I always loved the little “Happy Birthday” song the computer played whenever a member’s key card was scanned on their birthday. It’s like some invisible gym entity was cheering,”Welcome back, Friend! Look at you working hard on your birthday! YOU LOOK MARVELOUS!” But now, as I held out my bar code with shaky hands, now I wondered if that electronic son-of-a-bitch was capable of other songs.

Fully expecting to hear crude acoustical version of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A Lot, I

*BEEP*

Nothing. Well, nothing except a “Don’t I know you?” look by the desk guy. I’ll take it.

“Bike to Mat would be a great class to ease your way back in.” my friends said.

“A half hour of spinning and a half hour of hot yoga. How hard can that be?” they said.

And here’s what the instructor said,”OK, LISTEN UP PEOPLE! WE ONLY HAVE A HALF HOUR TO SPIN WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO WORK EXTRA HARD TO PACK A 50 MINUTE WORKOUT INTO 30 MINUTES! LET’S GO!” …or Maybe those werent her exact words, but that’s what I took away from it.

On the bike, I could feel my body rebel “I thought we agreed to just eat nachos and not do this shit anymore” “you wat to increase your heartrate bitch, you got it!”

Yoga, pigeon pose. I thought she said pigeon toes which really upset me bc I had to wear braces as a child to correct my inwardly pointing feet. Unfortunately, they were left on too long and I now walk like a duck.

Drove to the health food store, purchased detox tea, local raw honey, organic rainbow carrots, and radishes. I’m still not sure why I bought radishes.

Before the shower, I decided to weigh myself. Usually this ritual is only preformed, first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, after a bowel movement, when the moon is aligned with earth in such a way to reduce the gravitational effects.