As some of you know, I have an on-going struggle with wine stains behind my front teeth. In the previous post, “I Should Be Offended“, I mentioned the industrial “Descaler” tool that my OCD hygienist has started using at every visit. In an attempt to avoid a continuous loss of enamel until my teeth are transparent, I’ve devised a Kimvention.

A Kimvention (not to be confused with a Kim Intervention) is defined as:

a ridiculous and completely unmarketable idea that I come up with that people would never buy but one that I would use everyday because I’m the only one with the stupid problem. Kimvention. (a run-on sentence was necessary)

This one is good!

I’ve commissioned an artist (my dentist) to cast a mold of my mouth in order to make BPA-free customized trays that I can wear over my teeth while drinking red wine. I use it with a straw as a second line of defense. Two weeks and $5,000 later…

Patent Pending

Using my molds to show you how it works (because I couldn’t drink the wine and hold the camera):

mmm…my teeth have never felt safer

I call them L.U.S.H.! Teeth Protectors (Lose Ugly Stains Homie!).

My tagline is: Like a condom for your teeth, never get impregnated with stain again!

I wear them while drinking wine in bed, at restaurants, happy hour, etc. They’re clear and hardly noticeable so I can wear them practically everywhere wine is served! Sure, they give my drink the flavor of balloons soaked in ass but my hygienist, and my teeth, will thank me at my next appointment.

Seeing as how Brian’s birthday is coming up, as a surprise I’ve decided to make him customized trays for his stain issue (oh yeah, he’s got a monkey on his back too). I took a mold of his mouth while he was sleeping (It’s easier than it sounds because he sleeps with his mouth open), dropped it off at my dentist, and got them back today. I’m thrilled with the results and I can’t wait to give them to him!

White teeth are so sexy on a man!

Here’s something interesting…his cast is so much smaller than mine. So my mouth is really bigger than his. I would have never guessed.

Mine is on top. I guess I do have the bigger mouth:(

Get your L.U.S.H.! today. Rush shipment available.

*by the way, drop me a line if you need a kimvention idea – I’m really good at it.