Tips for Tuesday: Tampon Bird Feeders & Scary Mommy!

You guys, today’s tip had the potential of being my best one ever. Had. Here’s what happened…

 

The Tampon Bird Feeder

The premise: This bird feeder just screams “Eco-Friendly”! *I used Tampax Super Plus with the cardboard applicator. Not only are you feeding the birds, but when the seeds are gone they can use the cotton for their nests! Brilliant, right?

The execution: Everything went as planned. I smeared peanut butter on 15 unused tampons (seriously, UNUSED. This is not the time to start recycling), rolled them in birdseed, and tied them all together with their handy dandy strings. I then hung the whole thing in a nearby tree while my neighbor measured for a fence.

The result: The birds loved it! …and then it rained.

I can tell you, with all honesty, I did not anticipate what happened next.

Sadly, the tampons absorbed ALL the rain water –> they swelled to 1,000 times their size & weight –> this caused the tree limb to break off –> which then landed on the poor birdie sitting below. *The worse part…he would’ve moved if it hadn’t been for all the peanut butter stuck in his wings (I used extra-chunky).

Bummer.

 

But guess what? None of this matters because the most awesome thing has happened to me (it’s all about me)! I’m giving another tip today, one with great results, over at Scary Mommy!!!

BOOM!!!

 

As if you didn’t already know, Jill Smokler is the New York Times bestselling author of Confessions of A Scary Mommy (April 2012) and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies) (April 2013), and the creator of ScaryMommy.com, a parenting community for imperfect parents (does me being on there make sense now?).

So go read today’s tip and check out her fabulous site by clicking here or the big ass button above.

 

 

oh, and I’ll love you forever and ever if you click the banner below…you do want my love, right?
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The Weekend through Crappy Pics

About a month ago, I got a “I need to have a hammock” bug up my ass. So I bought one at a yard sale for $10.  It wasn’t until this Saturday that the bug came out of my ass and said, “Listen Bitch, you need to hang that damn hammock!”  So off to the hardware store I went.

After selecting chains, hooks, and those things that mountain climbers use, I took everything to the counter.  The register guy rang it all up (it cost more than the hammock itself) and said “Do you need a bag for that?”  I don’t know about you, but when a cashier says “Do you need a bag for that?” I hear, “You DON”T need a bag for that.  And if you ask for one, you’re a lazy Earth-killer that probably pours Clorox bleach and chemical fertilizer down your kitchen drain.”

“Oh, no.  I have plenty of room in my purse for heavy duty chains.  In fact, I can use them to secure my hemp wallet and eco-friendly tampons.”

Then we went to the grocery store, where I had to put the chains on the conveyor belt to get my wallet out.  And Ana says to the clerk, “We’re going to hang-a-monk”

Ha…ha…ha…kids say the darnest things…that’ll get you arrested.

 

 

Later that night, we went out to a nice dinner (still haven’t hung the hammock).

And I made the mistake of taking Ana to the bathroom with me.

As I’m in the stall, I hear her say, “What’s this do?”  Then this happens…

*This is a reenactment as I’m not in the habit of taking my camera to the bathroom.

 

 

On Sunday, I decided I HAD to hang the hammock

I call this pic “Shit’s About to Get Real”…or “A Badass Lives Here”, I haven’t decided yet.

 

and then I HUNG IT! and it was TOO TAUNT! son of a bitch.

Now Ana uses it as a swing.

Bright side:  I can relax in a lawn chair while she swings on the monk I hung.

 

How was your weekend?

 

Could you throw me a little love by clicking the banner below and voting? You can vote every 24 hours…Thanks! You’re my favorite now (but shhh, don’t tell anyone, they’ll just be jealous and hate you).

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics- At the Beach!

 

First, I need to explain Ana’s new look. Remember when I screwed up her haircut? Well, Brian kept asking me when I was going to take her to a professional. So I did.

So. I. Did…

Anywhoo…moving on.

 

 

I hope everyone had a great Father’s Day weekend, we certainly did! Here are just a handful of crappy pics to highlight our trip to the beach.

 

The first thing we did when we got there was to play the horse racing game, and it’s no surprise that I was in. the. zone. See here as my family watches me in amazement. (click here to learn how you too can be a winner)

 

I still don’t understand why they stood so far away from me. They totally missed out on hearing little Billy’s mom cheer him on:

“C’mon Billy! You can do it! Good job! Ugh! What was that?! Get out of your head, Billy. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD! You’re getting beat by an adult! NOOOO, BILLLYYY!
20130613-110438.jpg

Kiss it, Billy’s mom.

 

The next day we went Putt-Putting on a boardwalk rooftop. Let’s just say that Ana was a little “distracted” by all the fiberglass animals.

 

3…2…1…

It was all cute and funny until I we realized the gorilla wasn’t anchored to the ground. Even the attendant came running from her little “Putt Hut”.

 

About halfway through our game, Ana saw her first rainbow! She was so excited!

It was beautiful!

Then this happened…

Holy hell! A dark cloud literally descended upon us! I thought the world was ending, so I did what any rational person might do in such a dire situation…I let go of my kid’s hand and took off my earrings, because it was windy, and they’re my favorite earrings, and I wanted to have them in the afterlife.

 

Then next day (when the world didn’t end), we went to the beach.

*tomorrow, I’ll detail this beach day in my Tips for Tuesday.

 

Later that afternoon, we walked down to the pier and went fishing. Ugh.

For the record, I’m not a huge fan of fishing, mostly because I hate the idea of putting a hook through a live worm’s body, it just seems so cruel. Luckily, I remembered reading somewhere that the Germans use cheese for fish bait. So I grabbed some cheese, poured myself a glass of wine, and we headed down to the dock.

 

Here I am “fishing”…

…”fishing” for compliments on my new up-do – and wondering where my sunglasses are.

Brian didn’t stay long, he was annoyed that the bait kept falling off his hook. He mumbled something like “I doubt the Germans use deli sliced provolone” and left.

Sadly, the only thing we caught that day was my cell phone from falling in the water.

 

On Father’s day, we pretty much spent that morning cleaning up the beach house, driving 2 hours home, then watching the US Open while Ana bitched about Brian using “her” TV. When he told her to go upstairs to watch her shows, she replied, “Happy Mother’s Day, Baaaby” and stormed off.

 

At the beach house, before Ana turned on her father.
Happy Father’s Day, Brian!

How was your weekend?

 

Would you give me a little love by smacking the banner below?

PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and you’ll be my favorite (but shhh, don’t tell anyone, they’ll just be jealous and hate you).

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

CUPCAKE VINEYARDS SAUVIGNON BLANC 2012 – $11.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: “Sourced from the South Island of New Zealand, the Sauvignon Blanc exhibits complexity and a vibrant zing. Flavors of Meyer lemons and Key limes integrate wiht hints of grapefruit, gooseberry and citrus, culminating in a long, creamy finish.”

Serve chilled with oysters on a half shell or with a rich, creamy lobster risotto.

 

Kim Notes: “Like a Summer’s Eve douche, it left me feeling clean, light, and refreshed.”

To be honest with you, I know very little about Sauvignon Blanc other than it’s made from white grapes and has the appearance of a well hydrated person’s urine. But I know many of you love it and you’re probably sick of reading my Chardonnay reviews.

When asking around about Sauvignon Blanc, I was told that it’s a great daytime wine- so I had it for breakfast with my eggs and One A Day vitamin. And guess what? I quite enjoyed it!

I immediately detected notes of grapefruit, pear, apricot, and lemongrass. It was like a fruit bowl in my mouth! *I can’t say I detected the winemaker’s gooseberry, but that’s probably because I have no clue what gooseberry is.

The winemaker said it pairs well with risotto so I plan on trying it with my Maple & Brown Sugar oatmeal tomorrow. Who knows, it might start replacing my coffee.

 

 

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PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and you’ll be my favorite (but shhh, don’t tell my other readers, they’ll just be jealous and hate you).

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